Wednesday, August 30, 2006

In the Quiet stillness

I am sitting here at my computer. The air around me is so still and so quiet. The rain is pitter pattering outside. My son is asleep. The two sounds I love to hear. The falling rain and my son breathe. The air is heavy with stillness. The fridge buzzes and hums not to be out done by the computer. The darkness of the day requiring me to actually use the electricity. The safeness, the warmth, the security, the dryness of having a roof over my head does not go unnoticed. The provider of this does not go unnoticed either. He silently provides what I need.
My son breaks the stillness with a shrill cry. Going to his aid only to realize that he is still asleep yet he still cries. Picking him up and holding him in my arms I whisper, "'s ok. Mommy is here." He calms down and slips back into that deep sleep again. The warmth of Mommy and the voice provide that security that he needed. The reassurance.
As I lay him back down in the crib and slowly kiss his cheek while covering him back with the blanket to keep him warm I realize something. I just provided what my son needed. I did for him what God has been doing for me. In my scared, lonely, confused moments He comes in to pick me up and hold me close to Him. All the while whispering, "it's alright. I've got you. I Am here." Then calming me enough to gently and gracefully put me back down on my feet. Only to continue whispering to me through verses. Through actions. Through my son.
My son needed me. I needed the Son.
I was there for my Son. The Son was there for me.
Providing the love and security that my little boy needs is what God is doing for me. Step by step, day by day. When I am weak He will carry me.
So back to the quiet stillness. The warmth I feel wash over me as I sit here and close my eyes. Knowing that I am safe. That I am loved. Straining to listen to those silent whispers. Those words He needs me to hear.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin

I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip - he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber not sleep.

The Lord watches over you - the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Monday, August 28, 2006

I surrender

I am sure that I have done a blog like this before but yet here I am again.
We sang this song at church on Sunday. We have done it before and it has hit me before. It has hit me again.
I have been struggling lately. With many things. One of them being my faith, or lack there of it. I have been having problems praying. Problems hearing His voice. I know that it is my own fault. I know that I have chosen to not read devotionals or blogs. I have allowed myself to believe that it is because I am a busy mom. But the time that I spend on the computer doing other things I could have been reading the devotionals, blogs or the bible. I have chosen to allow myself to be distracted. Although a fussing baby is a good excuse.
A friend of mine asked me what are you mad at Him for? I said I wasn't mad. Then in one morning I got like four or five verses given to me. When I read them I knew there was a reason why they were coming to me. I got dizzy. I got confused. I got more dizzy. A spiritual battle in the forefront of my mind. Right there in front of me going on within me. I feel that it was a battle. Then when I was asked this question I fought it. I said I wasn't mad. But then starting to think about it I realized that yes I am mad.
Selfish, mad, frustrated and worried. Worried about all the little day to day things. Worried about losing who I am and who He is. Then in the midst of the pain and the anger I feel it. I feel the whispers. I feel the warmth. I see how He is working. I see that these things are happening because this is where He needs me to be.
As painful as this place is, this is what He needs me to be feeling. This is where He needs me to be. I just need to reach to Him. I need to surrender it all back to Him. Realizing that it is only God that can ease this pain within my heart. That it is only God who can pull us through day to day, month to month. Yes, we may get help but it is only because God has put it on those peoples hearts to help us.
A friend gave me a gift bag full of diapers and on the front of the bag it said, "Prayer changes things". I cried. Yes it does change things and it has been something that I had stopped doing with my heart. I would barely do it cause I felt like I had to. God knew. He could feel the difference. The little saying on the bag made me stop in my tracks and made me smile.
I stress out, I worry. I hold back the tears and fight them. I don't allow myself to cry. I can't. I don't allow myself to feel the pain. The hurt. The anger. While I am busy not allowing myself God is whispering for me to surrender. I heard the song and closed my eyes. I fought the tears. I fought the pain. Although I feel like I did win in the end I knew God captured more of my heart at that moment. The feeling of being able to surrender. Knowing that God will take this all from me and will ease my pain. I want to surrender. I need to surrender it all back to Him. He really is the only one who can take this burden and carry me on His shoulders.
So once again, I feel that I need to surrender. I need to give it all to Him. Although I still fight. Although I am scared. Although I feel alone and abandoned, I know that He is there. Hands held open, arms stretched wide waiting for me to run back to Him. To run into those safe arms and even though I feel the pain and hurt I know this is where I need to be in my heart. Now it is just time to accept it. Time to surrender to it all. Take this from me Lord and help me to come back to You.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Some things I have heard God whispering today

When you see God’s hands in everything, it is easy to leave everything in God’s hands.
-Unknown(working on this one. I am sure I always will be!)

When you look at someone else’s life,
Thinking that it’s better than your own,
Just remember what God’s given you
Was designed for you alone.

There are no more hours in a bad day than in a good one!

I hear them! I hear Him!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


looks like they don't need me! Daddy has done the routine and is feeding him 4 ozs right now. Cooper is actually being realy good. He might actually need me to top him up. I think I need a bigger bottle! He is holding Daddy's finger. Looking up at him. Like this:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

It actually makes me feel kinda teary eyed. He did the bath. Dressed him. Read a book. Warmed the bottle. He really is doing well. It is so cool to see him bonding with his son. A pretty special thing.

Saturday, August 19, 2006


There are a lot of times where I feel like I am just totally lacking it. I have wondered if it is something we lose as we grow older and get too busy with our day to day life. Still not sure on the answer of that one but yesterday something happened that just totally reminded me of what it was all about. Expecting nothing in return and putting aside all your feelings to care for another. You know who reminded me of that? My son. That's right. My 4 month old son. I haven't taught him this compassion as of yet. It is obviously something that we are blessed to be born with.
We were having a rough morning. He was tired. Rubbing his eyes. So I fed him and put him down. But he would have none of that! He started screaming and crying. We do what works for us and it is a 5 minute thing. He fusses for 5 minutes then I go in there for 5 minutes. I don't talk, I just use my body language to let him know that I was there and it will be ok. I never let him get beside himself. It was a very frustrating day. I was becoming more and more discouraged. Why won't he sleep??
At one point, and some of you may think I am a terrible mom and so be it - you are entitled to you opinions, I had to let him scream. The more he screamed the crappier I felt. "You're an awful mom" "why aren't you helping your son" were thoughts that ran through my head like a freight train. I knew he was ok though. So I had to let myself try to relax. It was the best thing for both of us.
I took a deep breath and went into his room. Poor baby. I picked him up and came out to the living room and sat in the recliner with him. Put his soother in his mouth and he cuddled right in. I kept whispering "it's ok, Mommy was here. I love you. It's ok." I look down and he had fallen asleep. Cuddled into his mommy.
That is when I let the tear that I was fighting roll down my cheek. I didn't sob. I just let it come out. I thought it was silent. Silent tears. Then my little boys eyes shot open. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes and he reached up his hand and touched the silent tear that was rolling down my cheek. He went right for it. He left his hand there. Another one fell and he opened and closed his fingers against my cheek. Then I said, "Mommy is ok. I love you." He promptly spat out the soother and looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile. Then he started to just giggle and laugh away. That made me smile. It made me laugh. I thanked him. So much for the nap though. He was too concerned to keep me smiling.
The compassion that my son showed me blew me away. I hadn't taught him that yet. I look back on it and realize that even though I am struggling with who I am, where God is and how to pray He sends me little moments that will forever be etched on my heart. The moment still brings tears to my eyes. I have such an awesome gift. My son loves me and cares about me. What an amazing thing! A moment forever engraved on my heart.

Friday, August 18, 2006

OMG!! Guess what Cooper did!!

He said "HI".
Yesterday I was on the phone with Phil and I leaned over to Cooper and I went "Hiiii Cooper.." and he gave a very distinct and pronounced "HI"! OMG!!! I said, did you hear that, did you hear that? To Phil and he was laughing cause sure enough he did hear him.
Did my baby really say his first word? WOW!!
I know, some of you may think I am crazy but if you would have heard it there would have been no mistaking it!! I am writing it on his calander as his first word!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Lessons learnt from a child's book

I was reading my son a story before his morning nap just now.
"Big Dog...
Little Dog
A bedtime story" by P.D. Eastman

Funny. The last line on the last page hit me. It was a lesson for me. I don't know why I chose this book. I have read it only once to him and that was when I was pregnant still. For some reason I chose this one today. I read the last line and I knew why I had chosen it.

"Why make big problems out of little problems."

Smart little bird. Now he seems to be sleeping so far so I am off to indulge in a hot bath. Let's see if I can get that far.
Yes God...I am listening. Sometimes barely but I am.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I feel....

totally numb.
I may talk about it soon.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

my little angel

We have been very fortunate thus far with Cooper and his sleep. This morning he woke up just cooing away and talking to himself. he even slept until 5 then fed then slept until 7. I went in there and he had his back to me so I poked my head into the crib and put the top of my head on the matress so that I was looking at him upside down. I said...."hi Cooper!" He gave me a full body smile and the hugest grin. Then we just played in his crib for a bit. Making him laugh and stuff so I could associate the crib with happy stuff too not just crying to fall asleep and crying awake. Then I brought him into our room. I layed in bed and put my knees up and he was smiling and laughing away. Just being a ham. What a perfect way to start the day. It is moments like that when I look at him and I see God. The smiles and I see that God gave me this perfect gift and that I am worthy. Even though I feel out of touch with Him and like I can't hear Him and I struggle, I just see this perfect little boy and I can just hear His whispers of I love you.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I have some fears today

Lately I have feared that I am loosing my faith. Loosing it in many things. I know in my heart though I believe it is just a battle within my head. My soul maybe?? It is making me sad.
Also, I think I am sick. My stomach, my head and stuffy nose. I think Cooper has a stuffy nose. Didn't sleep well last night and today I still feel like I am going to throw up. A mommy doesn't have time to be sick! I hope Cooper likes naps today.
My mind is a mile a minute

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

He hates his mobile

I haven't used it in quite a while. I turned it on and he looked up at it and the bottom lip came out and started to quiver. He started to cry. I turned it off and he was fine. Thinking it might be time to remove it! He used to like it too!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Please pray....

Phil has been up all night sick. I am taking him to a clinic sometime today. Please pray for healing for him. Thank you.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I just don't feel like talking

believe it or not.
There are too many things going through my head. Struggles I need to comprehend.
Oh well. Working on not being stressed and I know that the worst thing to do is not talk about it but hey....I don't feel like it. I like my mask today.
Afraid I am losing touch with God as well.
ok. I am done.