Friday, January 29, 2010

From a devotional this morning

"Religion is dangerous. Religion would rather debate about healing than see somebody healed. Religion would rather argue about deliverance than see somebody set free.
.......That's the difference between religion and the love of God. Religion argues. Love acts. Choose love today."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

what a night!

Poor Cooper.

Last night we were at a friends house having dinner. When just out of the blue Cooper started to cry and scream. His hand went to his left ear and he said that it hurt. I was skeptical because it came on so fast. He had NO fever. My friend and I decided to give him some advil and put heat on the ear. About forty five minutes later he was FINE. Running around with the kids and playing. This all started at about 5:30. We dosed him at 6:30-ish.

So he seemed fine and continued to be fine when we got home. Bed time came and he said his ear hurt and was whimpering a bit. There was nothing I could do because the last dose was so recent. Phil was out with the car so no clinic. I told him to try to sleep because it would make it feel better.
So about a quarter to 8 he starts to really cry and scream. I bring him to bed with me to see if he would calm down. He fell asleep but barely. He was whimpering again and crying. Then the screaming started and the cries that his ear really hurt.

Phil got home at 9. By this time no clinics are open so we went to the ER just because he was screaming so loud. We wondered if maybe he put something in it, which was NOT like him, because he still had no fever.
We get to the hospital and his O2 stats were 90 then they went up to 95% so the nurse seemed happy that it went up. His pulse was good and in the hundreds. He was still screaming in pain though.

We get in to see the doc. I lay back half reclined on the bed and Cooper FINALLY falls asleep. Still whimpering in his sleep. Then in comes the doc. I knew it wouldn't go over well. He said that he wanted to look in his ear. So I held Cooper's head and body and the doctor just touched his ear lobe. Cooper woke up screaming bloody murder. Phil had to help me hold him down just so the doc could look. VERY inflamed and infected he said. The right ear was totally fine.

Because Cooper was in so much pain he gave my baby tylenol with codeine. That was his first time EVER with something more then just tylenol or motrin. He ended up conking out though.

I am not sure but he was either having wicked dreams or hallucinating. He slept with me because I am allergic to penicillin and codeine and morphine I was concerned about him with the codeine and amoxicillin. Three am he woke up screaming again and thankfully the hospital gave me a couple more doses of the tylenol with codeine. I gave him that and he slept until 8. He woke up saying his ear was fine. Just a little sore. He didn't want to eat though.

Add this on to the fact that I have been lightheaded for a couple days it was all around hard. My house is a disaster but I really can't stand long enough to do anything. I start to feel faint. Last night was hard holding him and rocking him, trying not to lose it on my own end.

He still had no fever and ear aches aren't contagious so off to school he went. He BEGGED to go to school. I feel bad for him because it looks like he has my ear problems. Which only went away AFTER I got my tonsils and adenoids out.

I feel bad for him. The school will call if he starts to complain. He is very pale though but up in spirits. So if you feel so inclined to pray please pray for healing on our household. Poor kiddo.

Monday, January 25, 2010


decisions can be tough to make sometimes.

I am right now in the process of fighting off a rash decision.

Year and a half of trying for another child is bugging me a bit. I have ALL of Cooper's baby clothes, toys, bassinet, high chair etc. I have kept everything. I even moved Cooper out of the crib as a toddler bed in to a big bed. So my SUPER NICE crib is not even being used. I have been thinking about taking it and just doing up a double bed for Cooper.

So there is a part of me that just wants to start selling everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The clothes, the tub, the bassinet, stroller, toys, highchair, cloth diapers etc. I just want to get rid of it all.

The thing is WHAT IF we have another baby. I would like to have all that stuff. But I guess there comes a point where I start to wonder if there is a point. It is the bitterness in my heart I think. There is a part of me that thinks that it is just false hope on my part. I just want to get rid of it all. To not even think or remember it as being in storage because it is just a reminder that I can't seem to have another baby.

Then I start feeling guilty for the way I am thinking. Because there are people out there that don't have kids and want them. Then again in comes the selfish feeling. Where is God in all of this? Where is this Father that I can hope in. I want to talk to Him about it but wonder if He is listening.

ok this is a ramble and the decision is to just get rid of everything. But I know that is a rash choice right now. How do I think through this and get through this? I want it gone but then don't want to admit giving up on the hope.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

A realization

you know, I realize that I am extremely blessed. I have a home and am not worried about where my loved ones are. I am thankful for the health insurance we have here.

We are having issues trying to conceive our second child. We have had three losses and a few months of nothing. My body seems to be going haywire with things. It just doesn't seem to like what is going on.
Yet I am going to try my hardest to be thankful because I know I am blessed. My three and a half year old is a great example of it. Sure he can be a pain but I love him. I realize more and more each day what a blessing and what a gift he is.
God made His presence known to me the day I gave birth to Cooper. Went in to the hospital and it was raining REALLY hard. I push and Cooper came out and in that exact moment the sun came through the smaller windows and flooded the room.

I am so thankful for my life. For a husband that loves me. To have a husband. To have computers, a passion for photography. Learning that God loves me and is the great Father I have ever needed. My earthly fathers are no where near as loving and faithful and gracious or merciful.

For some reason just sitting here today, cleaning my son's room I just realize that I am so blessed. I am free to dance and worship in church. I am free to sing. I am in love with my son and husband. Even MORE in love with Jesus. I am so grateful and blessed. I don't want to change anything in my life. I have been hospitalized due to a breakdown. But I am thankful for that. Because one day I will realize why it happened. I can't get pregnant right now but one day I will see what God's plan is. I hold my son a little tighter. I have people in my life that care. I have doctors that give a crap and sometimes that is a rarity in and of itself! I have a church that helps me out even though we were new to the church. I have a counsellor that puts up with me and cares for me.
I have all I ever need. I need to remember that. I am so blessed and it is a freeing realization.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6)