Saturday, December 31, 2005

Surfing the blogs

This morning I was doing my usual blog surfing when Erin's blog struck me. In a good way though.
Each section of her post got me to thinking and pondering. There really are some good stories mixed in. The one part that I am here to write about is the last section of her blog.

"My pastor laid out a very interesting plan for the men's group at church for the coming year.
1. Where would you like to be at the end of next year?
2. What do you need to learn to get there?
3. Together, let's go there."

Like most people would do, she has started to think about it and started with question number one. Now I know this question will probably be one that I ponder off and on for a long time.
Usually my first response would be, to own my own home. This time it was different. If it sounds silly to you then so be it but to me it sounds like a good plan.
I have decided that at the end of 2006 I would like to see myself at home with my son. Providing the love and experiences that he would need to grow. To help him learn about God. Yes, I do realize that he will still be less then a year old but still, learning starts off early. I would also like to see myself grow in Christ. To display the light to the world. To be an example of His patience, His love and His grace. To be more whole in Him.
Sure, purchasing my own home would be awesome but at the same time I know that will come when God is ready for me to have that. I may not have a house but I have a home. That is what matters the most. A home filled with love. Sure it has it's stressful times but what home doesn't? I would take a warm home over an empty house any day. One day I will own a house and make it into a loving, inviting home with God at its center, but right now just isn't the time. So it weighs on me but then at a time like this my husband comes into the room and kisses me on top of the head and walks away. Now that is what makes a home. God's love. Husbands love. Love.
Ok, so I trailed off the topic. My point is that in a year I want to be where God wants me to be. Albeit I don't know where that is but I will find it. He will show me. The main one I see is being a mom. Nothing can be better then that in my eyes.
So, as we start into this New Year I guess my resolution would be to stay open to what God desires of me. To be the woman He loves. To be the best I can.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Our Daily Bread

"God has a purpose in our heartache,
The Savior always knows what's best;
We learn so many precious lessons
In each sorrow, trial, and test." —Jarvis

(and dang it - heartache always hurts!)

Monday, December 26, 2005

Blessings from God

You know, this past year has had many ups and downs. Feeling the wilderness and experiencing it with a sad heart. I had come to the realization that God will pull me out of it. Have been asking for my eyes to be opened to Him and my heart more accepting to what He has planned for my life. Even though it is not what I may be hoping for that I need to trust in Him.
Yesterday I was thinking about all our blessings. Especially in the past few days. The love of family and friends. A roof over our head. A happy marriage. A baby on the way. In all reality it is really feeling like an awesome amount of blessings.
I found that this is when Satan will choose to attack. Last night I was sitting at my mom's house. Just reflecting over the last couple of days. How much God has blessed us with. The things that we didn't even think would happen. How happy I felt just sitting there and thinking about His wonders. About His Son. Then it happened. The ever famous attack that has been occurring since the beginning of time. Satan vs God.
My thoughts were solely focused on God. I was happy. Then it was crazy. All of a sudden I caught a few words out of the conversations that were happening around me. I got pulled into and sucked down by the distractions. The distraction of not being good enough. Not having the things that would make my life seem so much more full. Feeling jealous and down cause I didn't have those things. Satan threw those distractions my way. He won for a while. I let myself get sucked into the lies. That I wasn't good enough and that I should be doing this and doing that.
Upon reflection of it this morning I can almost see that battle that occurred on the night of our Savior's birth. The battle in the stars. The stars being thrown to Earth. The battle that still ensues today.
I didn't let myself focus on it long. I fought. I won. I had God. On the way home I was discussing it with my husband. The one thing that keeps playing over and over in my head and on my heart is the fact that I could be making more money. If only I had a better career. Then a feeling washed over me that was so strong I couldn't help but cry. Thinking about it now almost brings me to tears. (it could very well be the extra hormones). We were talking it out. We were praising God. Thanking God. Telling Satan to leave us alone. Then with tears in my eyes I turned to my husband and apologized. Apologized that I am not providing more for us. I said, sorry if this sounds selfish but really all I want to do is be a mom. I don't want someone else raising my child. I can think of no other job that could fulfill my heart and soul as much as being a mom would. The pull towards it is so strong that I can't ignore it. I don't care if I don't make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I just want to be at home with my children. Shaping them and being there always for them. I could see no better job then that.
Phil just looked at me and said and that is what I believe too. He told me that he will do whatever he can possibly do to keep me at home. I felt like it would burden him. He said that being a mom is a great job.
You know, I have an amazing husband. Supports me in my decisions. Trusts God. Loves God. Loves me and this little baby.
In the midst of feeling selfish for wanting more I praised God more then ever with my whole heart. Learning to have that faith and trust in Him and knowing that He will only do what He feels is right for me. Sure I might not have all the bells and whistles that some have but I have His love. That is the greatest thing I can ever ask for.
I have come to open my eyes to all the blessings and it is like the song says, "Count your many blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done." Yeah it it sure did surprise me and there is no one else in this world that could have given me all these blessings then God. Blessings through my family. Through my friends. Blessings in disguise. I am so blessed. Thank you so much Father. That is all I can say. Thank you. I will never forget these blessings. This is where I needed to be right now. That is ok. I am blessed. I am loved.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Reflecting on Christmas

Growing up I was always aware of the Christmas story. Actually I knew that a baby was born on that day. It wasn't really until my adult years that I have learned the full extent of the story. I plan on changing that for my child, but that is besides the point.
This year I have stopped to think about it many times. That God sent His only Son to earth just so that He will end up dying for us. That He would not lead a full life but would instead die for the sins of those that were yet to be born. He would die for those exact people who persecuted Him. Who threw stones at Him and spat on Him. Wow. Now that is the most amazing gift I can ever think of receiving. Receiving the gift of Jesus.
This year with my son on the way I tend to try to imagine how Mary felt. That she was given this awesome responsibility to have a child that came straight from the Heavens. With the purpose of Him becoming our Savior. What went through her head when she sat there holding the new baby in her arms? Knowing that He was sent here for all man kind. Did she know? I almost feel like I wouldn't be worthy. But she was chosen. Out of everyone God chose her. Joseph stuck beside her. Man the ridicule from others. The snares and the rumors that flew! I bet there were more then a few of those. What a blessing it would be to sit there and know that you are holding the Son of God. The Chosen One. What a heartache at the same time.
As I picture them being turned away at the inn and settling for the manger my heart breaks. God knew that would happen. Why did He chose for it to happen that way? The battle that ensued in Heaven. The same kind of battle that still exists to this day. Imagine being one of those that saw the baby Jesus for the first time. Saw this baby face to face and knew that he would be King. What an act of Faith this day would hold for many. The whole journey in fact. Right from the start.
I don't know if I am trailing off as my mind seems to get so flustered and crowded when I start to think of the wonderful and beautiful blessing of Jesus being given to us. Being given to me. To you. Sinners. Imperfect people. Beggars. Tax collectors. Prostitutes. All one in the same. All saved by that precious little baby. What a job to have. A perfect man that did not sin hung from a tree. Cried out to His Father and knew in His heart that what He was going through was necessary for the future of all man kind.
Wow. What a gift. All of this amazing man wrapped up in swaddling clothes lying in a feed trough born on Christmas day. Not knowing His future. Not knowing His fate.
Our lives saved by this tiny baby in a manger.
I pray that as I go about this Christmas season I don't lose that image. The image of the baby sent for us. That blessed night.
On this eve of Christmas I would like to say Merry Christmas to all. I also pray that more then ever this season would be one where His presence is ever so dominant. Ever so obvious. I know He is in mine. Although I may still struggle to understand things there is one thing I know for sure. I am not worthy. I am a sinner saved by Grace and I am not worthy. To God I am. Jesus gave His life for mine. I am not worthy. To God I am.

Thank you Lord that I am worthy to be saved by your Son. Our Savior. Thank you for that precious gift so many years ago. The gift that I have accepted into my heart and soul. The gift that you found me worthy for. Thank you Lord.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

What a message to hear...

... about LOVE. check it out.

The baby ate my brain!!

Or you can just call me blonde.
I layed out all Phil's stuff for him by his lunch this morning. His phone, his keys and his wallet so he will take it all at once. However, me and my usual forgetfulness asked him as he was going out the door if he had his phone. He didn't hear me, or so I thought.
The house phone rings and I see it is his cell number. I pick up and ask why he is calling the house phone rather then my phone. He says to me, can you bring me down my phone I left it on the counter. (I bet you have caught on but I sure as heck didn't). I said, I thought I put it by your lunch. It isn't here. Then in my moment of stupidity I said HEY!! That's not fair! You are calling me from your phone! He just started laughing his head off. I was laughing too.
I said that wasn't very nice and he said yeah but the funny thing is you fell for it.
Man!! I can be so brain dead. Oh boy. I think our son might be in trouble!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Heard Something Interesting

Phil heard a good quite, well I htought it was good, on the TV show house last night. It goes like this:

"You can't hate God without believing in Him."

I found that interesting. Yes there are some that hate Him but in essence they are believing in Him and probably aren't even aware. You need to believe in something if it is going to be hated. Hmmm....

Monday, December 19, 2005

More about our baby boy

This little man sure is moving lots lately. Daddy has been feeling him move and it is so cool to see. It is like LB plays a little game with us. I can tell Daddy that baby is moving and he comes over to feel him. As soon as the hand goes on the belly he stops. Daddy gets tired so he goes away and, yep you guessed it, there he goes again. It is cute.
I almost feel like he has a very layed back personality.
This Christmas I have been thinking more and more about Jesus. Just being pregnant with a son gets me to thinking all the time but is so hard to put into words. Maybe one day I will be able to blog it. Just such a feeling of awe.
I totally can't wait to hold this baby in my arms. Even though things are tough, and they will get harder but more manageable, I still can't wait. I can't wait to see his little face. Hold him in my arms. Just looking into the face of another baby makes me filled with joy. Anticipation. Awe. I just can't wait until he is here and he is in our arms. Our LB. Sigh...

Friday, December 16, 2005

Those Desert Places

We all have them. We have all been through them. Right now you might be like me and feel smack dab right in the center of them.
Looking around me I see nothing. No shade, maybe that is a little tree off in the distance. The ground is parched and dry. Cracked all around me like it is ready to open up and swallow me whole. Maybe that is a creek I am hearing. A vast sky all around with the light beating down. Could that be a cloud? I sense the little moments of hope. I know they are there but sometimes it is just so hard not to get wrapped up in the dry land. The wasted land. The hopeless feeling that comes with the lost.
I stand in the center looking around trying to find my way out. I get frustrated and in my eyes I see no way out in this near future. So I stand crying. The tears fall from my face and get sucked immediately into the ground. Pulled into the land that is thirsting for so much more. I thirst for so much more. I know that only Jesus can fill me fully. So I continue to look. Then I see Him. Like a tear streaked, snotty nosed, puffy faced child I reach up for Him. Daddy pick me up. Hold me. He does.
I look into His face and I sob for Him to just carry me right out of there at that exact moment. That I have had enough and I want it over.
I feel Him tell me, it is not time my child.


Patient little one; only I know what I have in store for you right now and trust me that it will be ok and this will all work out.

I get agitated now. It won't work out. This is nuts. This hurts so much and I am tired.

I know child, I know. It hurts me to see you this way. I need you here at this moment in time. You need to understand that this too will pass. That this desert we are walking through will end and on the other side is exactly what I want for you.

I look back and I can see that we have taken some steps. Together. Little ones. Just keep going I think to myself. Just keep going. I can't do it on my own.
I let my Father hold me as I lay my head upon His shoulder. I tell Him that I am angry and confused as to why I have to go through this. I am sorry that I am mad and forgive me.

It is ok that you are mad. I understand your thoughts and your fears. I have been there too. Just know that you need to call to me and I will come running. I am right here. Never to leave. I send my angels to lift you up on their wings to guide you through. This too will end. It may not feel like it right now but trust me it will. You are not alone. You never will be.

I want to trust you so bad. Help me to open to the light you shine on me. Thank you that you are there.

We continue on together. He still holds me in His arms like it requires no effort at all. Like I am as light as a feather. I calm and the tears stop. Knowing that they may fall again I keep my head against Him. In the safety of His arms I look around. I can see the hope. I can feel the hope. I WILL have the faith. I may not see the end right now but the thing is that the One that is holding me so close to His heart knows that it is coming. That this desert will become a thing of my past. One that makes me stronger and continues to bring me close to Him. I will again walk through the green pastures. I shut my eyes and know that deep, deep down it will be ok. I start to drift off knowing that I am safe. Feeling His breath upon my hair and His arms so tightly around me. Being careful to hold to that Faith. To hold to that Hope. To hold to Him.
The desert sucks. It can feel so lonely. It is where I need to be and I need to be ok with that. Although that too seems like a struggle in itself, I think I almost am.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


Stopping at the crossroads
of life,
I look behind
and see colors;
painted with love,
joy and
I look ahead
and see black.
No colors,
no white.
I look into my hands
and see the paintbrush.
I hold
a new beginning.
A brush that will age,
that will color
and paint
the roads to come.
But remembering all
my friends,
parents and
God who helped
me paint the previous
I wonder;
"what color
should I
start with?"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Once again His timing is perfect

I got this devotinal from Purpose Driven Life today. Just moments ago. Some of the statements I needed to hear again. He knew it. Perfect, as usual.
Thank you Lord for the reminders.

"What time is Christmas this year? You find the answer in four statements the angel said to the shepherds at the first Christmas (Luke 2:10-14).

1. It’s time to release your fears! The first thing the angel said was, “Do not be afraid!” Fear is your greatest barrier to knowing God and fulfilling his purposes for your life. Fear is a self-imposed prison that keeps you from living the life God intends for you. So whatever you are afraid of - Christmas is the time to let it go. The Bible contains 365 "Fear nots” - one for every day of the year! It’s time to stop worrying and start worshiping. Stop tensing up and start trusting God.

2. It’s time to renew your faith! Next, the angel said “I bring you good news with great joy, and it is for everyone!” The Good News of Jesus keeps getting better because the bad news of the world keeps getting worse. The Good News is that God loves you, he created you for a purpose, you can know God personally by trusting in Jesus, and he wants you to spend eternity with him. God has really long range plans for your life! Christmas is time to come back to God.

3. It’s time to receive forgiveness! Next the angel said, “Today a Savior has been born for you; He is Christ the Lord!” If our greatest need was education, God would have sent a teacher. If our greatest need was health, he would have sent a doctor. If our greatest need was financial, he would have sent an economist. But our greatest need is forgiveness, so God sent a Savior. It doesn’t matter what wrong you’ve done, Jesus paid for it on the cross. Accept his forgiveness.

4. It’s time to rebuild relationships! Finally the angel said, “Peace on earth, and goodwill to all people.” Once you’ve accepted God’s forgiveness, He wants you to forgive everyone else. Who do you need to offer forgiveness to this Christmas? It’s time to make peace!

Monday, December 12, 2005

I am?

I knew I should have continued with School. Well: could've, should've, would've....

You Should Get a MD (Doctor of Medicine)

You're both compassionate and brilliant - a rare combination.
You were born to be a doctor.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Phil, me and baby at 22 weeks pregnant

Last Christmas before we become first time parents!! Isn't Sue's tree pretty?

My first gingerbread house

Originally uploaded by Miss-Buggy.
In all my years I never made a gingerbread house until today. It was fun.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

When I worship, I would rather my heart be without words than my words be without heart.

-Lamar Boschman

Thursday, December 08, 2005

God's Pure Light

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all." 1Jn 1:5

So being followers of Christ we are in the light. We are not in darkness. In Our Journey they talked about how the most common verse used at funerals is the "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Ps. 23:4
Although this is used, says the devotional, at funerals it can be related to many aspects of our life. The valley that you may be walking through right now may seem dark and endless. The battles you are fighting may feel dark. The pain in your heart seems to engulf you and drag you into further darkness. Yet even in this darkness is the light. The light of God.
I see the light as a very bright one. Pure. Warm. Not hurting to the eyes. Bright, but not to the point where you want to turn away from it. On the contrary, you want to go to it. As you look into the light you are surrounded and engulfed by the warmth of His touch. The feeling of safety. The light grows and you know that it is ok. The light is everlasting. A gentle touch.
I have had this feeling before. The feeling of warmth on my skin. It feels like this is how God lets me know that He is right there. In those moments that I need it the most. Like a gift sent down from Heaven it touches me. It pulls me into Him.
We have the light. We are the light. We have Jesus.
As I battle things in my life I feel like I am all alone in the darkness. That there is no way out. But then there is the light. My way out. God. The only real way out. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I choose not to look for the light. If I get wrapped up in my self-pity and my hurt to even stop and look right in front of me and see that He is the light guiding me.
The verse out of Psalm 23 seems to strike me a little more now. The fact that it was put into terms that I could relate with. That I can understand. That even though these times are dark it is ok because I have the best protector there ever is. We have the best protector.
As the light surrounds me and reminds me of His beauty I am awed. The strength. The power. The gentleness. The love. So many other emotions wrapped up in the gift that He chose to open my eyes to. The gift that warms me to my soul. That makes me praise Him now more then ever. Even in the dark times learning to praise Him can be hard. You wonder what the heck you did to deserve it. It is not what I did or didn't do to "deserve" the valley. It is the way closer to Him. To remember His light and know that I will never be fully engulfed in the darkness. I will use the light to battle the darkness and to come through the valley. So will you.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Man I suck

Ok. This is just a little way for me to get this all off my chest.
Monday at work I hurt my back around 2:15 in the afternoon. Told the boss right away. I know the muscles are a little more sensitive. The box wasn't even heavy. I just lifted it wrong. That night it was tough sleeping and the next morning was my day off so I got in the bath. Felt alright. Most of the day it hurt. It hurt the worst though when I got in and out of the car or drove from Abbotsford to Mission. I am a delivery driver. How is this going to work.
Last night it started to spasm. All the way up my back. Shoot. I thought it might be doing better. Last night was a terrible night sleep. Couldn't get comfortable. Can't lay on my back being pregnant and when I layed on my sides it hurt the back. So I retired to the recliner and finally fell asleep for a few hours. Woke up and tried the bed again.
This morning it hurts to sit at the computer here. It hurts to stand and even bend over to put on pants! My husband had to help me. He wants me to go to work and tell them that I can't work today. Then to go to the doctors. I can't help but feel this immense sense of guilt. Letting Phil down. Work down. I asked Phil if I should just bite it and push through but he doesn't want me to further hurt myself. In and out of the car. But what if work makes me work? He said they can't. What if I get in trouble. He says I can't. It was a work related injury.
So I am dreading going into work to ask to fill out forms. To say I can't work we are short enough on drivers. But if I can't do it I can't do it. Why hurt myself further right?
I just can't help but feel though that once again I am being the burden in our lives. I hope that this doesn't mess up anything for my maternity leave. I need to go pray now...

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

About our little man

This morning I got the "privilege" of sitting in the dentist chair for an hour to get my teeth clean and a new set of impressions made for my night guard. I have been feeling little man more and more. Well, I am not too sure that he likes the dentist. The water pick thingy started and I guess the hum of it startled him cause I got a pretty definite kick. He seems a little quieter now but makes me wonder if these things are really passed down through the gene pool.
It was kinda fun and exciting though.
So much character already.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Endless Battles

I can't help but see how many battles there are going on right now in so many places. Within so many souls and with a variety of people. Whether they are Christian or not in some way or another Satan has really been having a "hay-day", so to speak, with so many of us. There was a moment in time when you could totally feel God moving through us and churches. As with many things there needs to be a battle for us to stay tight to the Savior that will save us all.
The closer we get to God the harder Satan pushes to pull us away. The thoughts to make us feel unworthy. The diseases. The hurt. The anger. Bitterness. Judgment. Hate. You name it he is trying to bring us away from God by using it.
We physically start to feel the strain. Feel the pressure and the weakness in our hearts. "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." It is the flesh that Satan chooses to play with. To pull at in any which direction in hopes that we will just give up with it all. Sometimes it almost feels like he succeeds. He doesn't though if we think about it.
Just as we may start to feel tired of fighting God shows us that we are not alone. The people that He puts in our lives are there to remind us of where we are and that they believe and that they will fight for us. We feel weak and tired of praying even. With a sense of quilt we catch ourselves stopping. Battling with doing what we know needs to be done. To drop to our knees and cry out to our Father. When we are knocked down so low it seems hard to drag ourselves up to that holy position. That is when we find out that even though we may have stopped God has put it on someone else's heart to start. To continue or to go more fiercely at it.
With everything going on it is hard to not see that it is a battle for our hearts right now. A battle that we know we must win. We know we will win. When we are wounded and down for the count God sends us someone to pick us up and to help us start putting the pieces back together one by one with the delicate tape of love and compassion.
When we feel like we can no longer go on He puts it on our hearts to reach out and ask for help. No matter how vulnerable we may feel at the moment He knows that it is in our best interest and it will work out. As we feel weak and ask for the help we see we are not alone. We see that others have been where we are. Or are even there right now going through the same thing. Our loving Father shows us how we need to lean on others for that support we were created to have. That we were created to need.
The battle seems endless and unforgiving. Painful. Hurtful. The closer we fall onto Jesus the more Satan fights. "GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!"
I feel that there really is nothing wrong when we need to call out for that help. When we need to be vulnerable. Satan wants us to do it all on our own. He wants us to blame God and I can just see him squirm when we all of a sudden utter our thanks to our Father. Weak and tired from the fight and just not wanting to go on we thank God for Him. For His love and His blessings. I can just imagine the squirming. The scream of defeat. Although we may not yet feel the strength to continue to battle we cry out to God. We defeat Satan. God uses others to love us and pray for us.
So each of us sit going through our own sets of turmoil and troubles. We are not alone. Although we may not know it somewhere someone is fighting for us. With gentle words and love. In the end God will prevail. He always does. Keep the Hope alive in Him and we will travel through this. Together. As a family. Supporting each other without even knowing how to say the right words.
God sure is amazing. Blows me away so often at just how precisely He works out the details. He won't wear out or get tired from any of this. He is our strength and reassurance when we are weak.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I was reading Erin's blog and I guess you can say that I got sucked in. She is having a contest to see what stories best catch her. I am not writing to "win" I am writing because once again she got me to thinking. And the fact that it sounds fun.
She says that she is "particularly interested in the concept of "waiting" and "anticipation" and how it all ties in to Christ, and the season." This is what has gotten me into a mode where I try to remember past events at Christmas. I have heard a lot about traditions lately and what they mean to you. Unfortunately I never grew up in a Christian home so the meaning of what Christmas was didn't exist for me. Sure I heard the stories but it rolled off me with no significant meaning. These past few years it seems almost as if it gets more and more understandable to me.
Some of my memories consist of getting a tree. Getting one for just us kids to decorate. It may have been a Charlie Brown tree sometimes but I always opted for the big full ones. Mom doing her own tree upstairs. Perfectly trimmed out upstairs and then when you go downstairs you knew us kids did that one. Waking mom up Christmas morning. She had to have her coffee before we could open anything but while she got her coffee ready we got to attack the stockings. We had stockings that were added to every year. Each year another inch or so was put on to represent the past year. Sometimes those stockings were bigger then us. Then we opened the presents. Played and went back to bed.
I used to get so excited when I was little that I couldn't sleep and would feel sick to my stomach. Every Christmas morning I would excitedly jump out of my bed to see if over night snow had fallen. Most of the time my heart had sunk. To this day I still get the excitement over Christmas. One year I even prayed to God asking if we could have snow for Christmas and sure enough it started on Christmas Eve. I still have trouble sleeping. Each year has meant a little more to me. Sitting staring at the Christmas lights. I can still sit there for hours and just be taken away by the twinkling that they do in between the branches. Or the lights on the houses. Absolutely beautiful.
This year is no exception, I am sure. This year I have continued to be in awe. Continued to think more and more about the Son that was given to us on that special day. The Son that eventually died for us. The more I think about God and Jesus the more I want to make sure that is a special tradition in my child's life. That this little man can be proud of what Christmas is and what it represents to it's truest sense of the meaning. That my kids would know the Christmas story and love it with all their little hearts. I am longing to make more traditions with my kids. Making cookies. Sitting together and reading the Christmas story. Not only for them to learn but for me to continue to grow. This Christmas is one where we sit closer to God then any before. This year the true meaning of Christmas is coming through for us. It's all about Jesus. All about our Savior. This year I am trying to embrace it as fully as I can and learn to hold Him as much as I can.
I love good memories. I can't wait to provide those for my child. For my child to know Jesus. To love Him and know the real meaning behind Christmas.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Little by little...still

Ever feel like you hear something just at the right time? Mine today has been little by little. I have heard it before. Have tried it before and compared to where I have been I think that I have succeded.
Then all of a sudden out of no where - BAM! It hits you. Kinda feels like a 5-ton flat bed has plowed into you. Trust me, I remember what that feels like.
If you look at it so many things in life need to be done little by little. The baby needs to grow to be strong, little by little. Healing from an injury needs to be taken slowly. When you hear something you don't want to but you know it is right it too needs to be done little by little.
The trust needs to be there. As hard as it is.
We will pull out of the spiral we are in with those baby steps. It is just so hard to remember to take those when you get so frustrated and confussed. You think, here we go again, but knowing that it is the right thing and it needs to be done.
I am really feeling somewhat lost. I need to just trust God and let Him lead my husband and I the way He wants us to go. I need to trust my husband. He is doing what is right and what needs to be done for the family. He is being the provider that so many men long to be and I need to let go of that part of me that wants to control that. I need to let him. Little by little I have to know that I don't need to be the one to control all things. I need to be the one to lovinly support him in these times.
I need to hand it over to God. Trusting that He is working on it little by little. I need to remember the scripture: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Mt. 6:34. How true is that and each day He gives us the strength to get through that day. Just read about it this morning. Sure I can worry about tomorrow or yesterday but it really won't get me very far. What about just dealing with today?
So, little by little I am taking the steps and learning. It is a long road but God has our best interest in mind and I need to just trust that. I need to take it little by little.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I talked to my doctor...

about the ultrasound. She said there is no abnormalities. His little heart and His little brain are looking good. He looks healthy. Yeah!! Keep growing baby.


This is what I read at church yesterday.

It is by faith that we believe in God and His son Jesus Christ.

Today we light this candle to represent Faith. I, myself am learning the full extent of it's meaning but it you were to go to the dictionary you would find it described as "a believing without proof; trust or confidence." That is what we have in God. That we may not see Him we still have the trust and the confidence in Him to lead us the way He desires. In our darkest, hardest times having Faith in Christ is what makes us strong.
We live in a society where it is hard to keep the Faith alive and prominent in our lives. In Matthew 17:20-21 Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." As hard as it is to just hand it over and let it be, we do it by Faith knowing that God has control. That the outcome He will provide us with will be so much greater then what we can ever do for ourselves.
I can stand here and tell you that it isn't easy but having that Faith in God is so worth it.

In Light of Advent

I am learning what Advent means. Not growing up in the church it hasn't really been until this year that I have been wanting to surround myself with information.
At church yesterday my husband and I got to light the first advent candle on Faith.
I heard this quote a while ago and came across it this morning. How appropriate. In so many ways then just the fact of it being advent.

"Faith is the refusal to panic."

I am slowly, ever so slowly getting better at the whole not panicking thing. So does that mean that I am getting better at having the Faith? I sure hope so. Cause God is really the only one I can really rely on. He comes through my life. Through my husband or my family or friends. But when I start seeing that it was Him things really do start to make more sense.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Guess what!!

It's snowing in Aldergrove. HEAVY too. I LOVE SNOW!
Yes I do drive for a living but I still love it. Come on snow!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

God's touch

The rain poured down so thick that I could barely see in front of my face. Had to stop for a light and thinking I could make it slammed on the brakes. Wheels locked and I just missed going through the intersection by ICBC. NEVER slam on your brakes in the rain. I knew that but in a moment of panic I did it anyway.
Yesterday felt like a particularly stressful day at work. Driving in that weather can be hard. Extra attention payed to other people running red lights or inches away from my back end. The radio decided to quit working as well. So if the weather wasn't bad enough I didn't even get to listen to my favorite thing. God's word. Spent a lot of time talking to Him though. My back was even extra sore that day and all around it felt crappy. I tried to make the best of it.
Then it happened. God's hand came through and marveled me with His magnificent beauty. For the first time the rain had stopped towards the end of my shift. The stress was easing a bit. Still no music though. Then as I came up to the top of an overpass my breath was taken away. There in front of me in amidst the dark clouds was a break. At about horizon level there was a thick line of clear sky. The sun still hiding behind the dark clouds it's light shone on underneath it. The light bounced into the clearing and rolled under the clouds above. Causing it to look like God had just taken a paint brush and stroked away to His hears content. Rolling over the clouds were whispers of red, purple and yellow. The sky was blue. Bright with His light. My breath caught in my chest. For that brief moment I saw His beauty once again and once again it took me away. Away from the stress and anxiousness.
Unable to stop and enjoy it I sat there raising Him. Looking towards the horizon as much as I could. Wishing I could pull over and take a picture with my camera phone. I got to a clearing and took a chance. Pulled over. But, you know it just wasn't the same. The colors, although beautiful were different. The sun sank lower in the sky. The clouds were parted more. The magical moment of that split second was gone. Only to be forever etched into my mind.
Of course, being the way I am I thought that it was meant for me to see. In that particular moment at that particular time He came to me. In my business and worries of the morning I remember and a smile is brought to my face. He is so amazing. So beautiful. There just aren't enough words for me to be able to describe what I feel. Loved.

Friday, November 25, 2005


I think I might have startled our little LB this morning. I have been thinking that I have been feeling the baby move but have not been 100% sure yet. Although this morning I bet it was little one. I was scooping applesauce into a container fo rmy lunch and I smacked the spoon on the container a few times to get all the sauce off. Right when I did it I felt a little "bump". Right above my button for my jeans. I got all excited. That had to of been LB. It was the coolest feeling. I can't wait until it is more prominent. hehehe

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Do good to everyone

1Brothers and sisters, what if someone is caught in a sin? Then you who are guided by the Spirit should correct that person. Do it in a gentle way. But be careful. You could be tempted too. 2Carry each other's heavy loads. If you do, you will give the law of Christ its full meaning.
3If you think you are somebody when you are nobody, you are fooling yourselves.

Galations 6:1-3

Sometimes this can be the hardest part of being family.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A gift from God

I was going to wait to blog any pictures until we knew if it was a boy or girl but I just couldn't wait!
This is our little one. Our LB. A special gift from God.
When it was just me and the ultrasound technician baby just calmly layed there while I talked away. Then I went to go and get Daddy. That changed everything. Daddy leaned in and said two words and the baby went nuts!! Started squirming and hamming it up for him. Rolling. Looking right at us. The perfect little angel looked so awesome. The spine looked great as did the heart. It's spine looked like a train track. The heart beating in front of our very eyes. It totally amazes me how this is such a little person right now.
From about grown to rump it measures about 15cm's. That isn't including the long legs and feet that we saw.
Thank you God for such an amazing gift. Such a blessing in our lives. Our LB. Posted by Picasa

Posted by Picasa LB's long legs

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Are we really that afraid?

I have been listening to a lot of radio when I drive at work. Some things are really starting to bug me.
On the radio a while back I heard about a group of people that got together and rewrote the bible. Quite literally actually. I think it was called the TNIV. Today's New International Version. They explained how a group of people had taken it upon themselves to rewrite the bible to make it more politically correct. Canceling out words such as He, Him, Father and His. Making it more "gender friendly". Now, I am not an expert, even a little bit, on the knowledge of the bible. But it seems to me that God has commanded us not to change His word and whoever should do so should suffer the consequences. I think there is something somewhere about it but am not sure. I think it is in revelations. So why are they so focused on making it more gender friendly when they, as Christians, are ignoring one of the plain and simple facts that God stated.
Then I heard about another man in the states that is an atheist. He even has his own following. He is actually trying to remove "In God We Trust" from coins and the back of bills. Stating that it is not right for those that chose not to follow any religion. What about those that do have a religion? What about their freedom? Why change things that have been solid forever?
Then there is the whole not aloud to say merry Christmas thing. It is happy holidays instead. What happened to the meaning behind Christmas. Also the whole Ad and BC issue. AD, After Death is now ACE After Common Era and BC is now BCE Before Common Era. We acknowledge the era as common but yet we cannot acknowledge the fact that what makes that era common is Christ?
What makes me wonder is are they really that scared? That scared to admit the fact that someone else is in control of their life? That someone higher then themselves created us and died for us. Kinda makes me agitated. Is Satan having that much of a pull today that things really need to change?
This has been in my mind for a while. Still trying to process it all. I guess for me the way to life seems like such a simple answer. God. The way to God seems even simpler, Jesus. In my little naive mind it makes sense. Even though I tend to not trust or I tend to question I find myself believing that there is no possible way that I can imagine any other being greater then God in my life. Sure some might say science. But who created that science? Who created those people to figure things out?
Just my little rambling for a while. It is sad really. Are we really that afraid?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

God's Love

"for his steadfast love endures forever." Ps. 136

This sentence occurs in this particular Psalm about 26 times. In the NIV version it is recorded as "His love endures forever".
Nothing like reading something you needed to first thing in the morning. I know that in my heart. I have been told that. It was like God was reconfirming that in me this morning in the devotional by Soul Journey.
Last night I had my moments. Had some frustrating moments of feeling purely overwhelmed. Exhausted and worried about the fact of whether or not He will be able to provide what we need in this moment. It is really coming down to the trust issues for me. Like I have said before, that issue is so hard for me to accept completely.
By reading this passage this morning it occurred to me that He will provide what we need for right now. Not what we want. Not what I want. But exactly enough of what I NEED. He will provide this for me because "His love endures forever."
Human love is one thing. The article tells of how even "Though the love that others extend may be lavish—only God’s love is unfailing." It really is sad but true if you think about it. No matter how hard you try there will come a moment in which we hurt those that we love. A moment in which we can tear one another apart and destroy that special relationship because we are human. We will hurt others no matter how hard we try not to because only God is perfect. That hurts me to my soul. That there may be a time when I let those that I love down. That I may hurt them. That they may hurt me. That in that particular moment it can all be done and over with and end.
With the enduring love of God we don't have to worry about whetherer or not He will stop loving us. He always will. We are His. His children. His love. Our earthly parents may stop loving us. We may constantlyly battle with them. We may never get to feel that unconditional love from them. However, in some way there is always someone out there that is providing that unconditional love. We just need to see who that person God has provided for us in our lives is. We need to open to them and understand that they are loving us with all their heart.
I can almost imagine it. God loves us. He loves us so much that He hurts for us. I can almost see the pain in His precious face when we turn to Him asking Him why we are going through this wilderness. Why we have to go through the hurt and the pain. I can almost see His eyes and the sorrow He feels when He tells us that we need to go through this so that we can see that we are able to handle it. That He needs us here right now at this point in time so that we can learn to rely fully on Him. I can see His eyes as they long to pull me into Him while He holds me and tells me that He is doing this because He loves me. Because it is another road to my healing and my Journey closer to Him.
Love hurts. It hurts bad sometimes. He hurts when we do. I can see it. I feel it. No matter what though His love is one that won't fail us. That won't let us down. He brings it to us individually or through others. Gives me a sense of peace knowing that no matter what I do I can still come to Him. That He won't leave me. Something I need to remember when I have those moments of doubt and am scared out of my pants. I need to just picture Him holding His arms out to me telling me to come into Him. To let Him hold me. To let Him love me. I need to let Him. Do you?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Rea had her baby!

Just the other day my friend Rea had her baby. A baby boy. I am not going to list the details cause Uncle Mitch has it all listed. So check it out here.
I am just so thankful that he has arrived safe and mom and him are doing well. Thank you Lord for the blessing of Tyson and for the health of Rea.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

On the long journey

I have come to some realization in myself the past few weeks. I realized that all my life I have been the one to defend others and to be the strong one in most, if not all, situations. If I wasn't to be that strong person and set the example then who would? How would we be able to get through the situation? I have learned to not rely on anyone. Not even myself. Thus the reason why I find it so hard to trust people at all. Even myself sometimes. Why I find it so hard to trust God. There is a part of me that needs to have that trust and love earned. I don't use those words easily. When I do say them you know I mean it. I have let people walk on me. Let them knock me when I am down. That's just the reality of what being me had been all these years.
I am tired of it. Wanting to just get up and run but at the same time wanting to let someone comfort me and take care of me. But if I show that vulnerability then how can I help anyone else? How can I help to make situations bearable or even be a listening ear when I am the one that needs to be listened to? I am the one that is weak. How can I be strong when all I want to do is collapse and just let my guard down for once?
I am only one person. Tired of running, tired of pulling the damn mask off and on again and again. Not knowing who I really am anymore. He's proud of me. No matter what I do? No matter how weak I become and how vulnerable I allow myself to be.
I have been slowly learning how to accept those vulnerable moments. To embrace them. Let the tears fall. Spent so many years by-passing them that there is just too many to keep holding in anymore. I can help someone by helping myself. By showing that I am human and that it is ok to go through the emotions.
I've been broken. Not once. Not even twice. I always thought that it would be one rock bottom then that was it. But I have found that to be false. There are many situations in which I may feel like I am hitting rock bottom because I need to just come back to Jesus. I need to reach back out to Him. I need to allow the comfort and the healing to begin in my heart. He will break me as many times as He feels He needs to. That is the scary part. Just when I think it is over and done I am drowning again. Only if I were to put my stubborn pride on the shelf and reach out to the loving, caring arms that are being stretched out to me. The ones that have no strings attached. The ones that won't turn around the next minute and be mad at me for letting myself just lose it all. Draining myself of all emotion knowing that I am in a safe place and surrounded by love and that it is ok to hurt.
It is ok for me to accept the love and have the faith that it isn't going to all go south on me. That I can and will actually do something good that I won't get disciplined or judged for.
I have a long way to go before I realize what God is saying to me. Maybe it is just me that needs to listen a little closer.
Knowing that it is human and that it is ok for me to just be me. The sad, the happy or the ugly. That I am loved no matter what. I am loved unconditionally and it totally blows me out of the water.
I am learning to embrace and capture the moments in His presence and learning to understand that this is all a process that He wants me to go through. At this particular point in time this is what He wants from me. No matter how hard it may be for me to accept, He knows it. Yet He patiently waits.
I know I have said it before but I am so glad that we have such a loving, patient Father. On this long journey that I hesitantly agree to take step by step He has my back. That this journey may be different from the next but I always have that love. If I would just learn to embrace it.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Sometimes I hate dreams

Sometimes dreams come true or are a look at what you need to do in your life or what needs to be done to help others. Other times the dreams are just way too far fetched to the point where we realize that they are only from our over active imagination.
Well, this morning I am having difficulty distinguishing what needs to be done about a dream I had. Not going to get into the specifics but in it there were at least ten people. You know how sometimes you can't really see the faces? You just know who they are? Well not in this case. I can name every single person in that dream. I can tell you what they were feeling even. When I woke I thought nothing of it. It was just a dream.
Yet I couldn't help but feel an emense sadness. A cry out for help. Now the thing that bothers me is who is it for? So I layed there talking to God and didn't really hear and audible answer about who needed the prayer and what needed to be said so I prayed for everyone in that dream. Lifted each person to God. The thing that disturbs me is that it is still on my mind. Many hours later. Why? Am I over thinking it or is God trying to tell me something?
So here I sit thinking it over and talking it out with God. Relifting those individuals. Deep down hoping that I am over thinking this and that everyone is ok. Just can't shake the sad feeling. The lost feeling. Feelings I can't even put my fingers on yet. The cry for help I heard but knew it wasn't said word for word. In the dream we prayed for someone. That someone fought it every step of the way. The only thing I can do is pray. What a crappy way to feel this morning. I can feel the sadness, the hurt and the pain within my heart. Ouch.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Yeah, I had to do it too....

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.

At Your Lowest:

You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.

In Love:

You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.

How You're Attractive:

You are very affectionate and inspire trust.

Your Eternal Question:

"Am I Respected?"

Sunday, November 06, 2005

My Inner Child

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

There goes my "brilliant" theory

Since I first found out I was pregnant I had boy dreams. Very vivid boy dreams Very real feeling. So I came to the conclusion that I must be having a boy. Well, my dream last night blew that out of the water! I dreamed I had a little girl. Blonde hair. I remember seeing her little face and her little hand clenched around the index finger of an adult. Now maybe, just maybe it could be a girl.
I guess God will tell me if He wants me to know before hand. I just want a healthy baby.
Ahhhh.... dreams. Sometimes they can mean absolutely nothing of the sort.
The heart rate is also 150 bpm. I am sure some of you are saying that means nothing. But still makes me think.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

There's no turning back now....

The door that God has worked so hard at opening has been one that I have been fighting stepping through. With a lot of prayer and trust that step has now been taken. As I look over my shoulder I can see the door lingering, taunting me with the false reality of the safety on the other side. Step back through this way and you won't need to be vulnerable. You can put on that mask again. I had enough. Looking away from the door I see black in front of me but beside me I see the Master Artist with a paint brush in His hand and a smile on His face. Knowing that I did the right thing I take a hold of His hand as we paint the steps to come and the future that lies before me. The future that only our Creator knows what will look like. Only He knows the colors. So I leave it in the Masters hands. I trust Him. I have taken that step and there is no turning back now.
From behind me I hear the door slowly inch closed. Day by day it inches a little further until one day I will feel it slam shut and look into the hands of my Father and see the key. The key that He used to open the door will be the same one that He will use to shut it behind us.
Stepping out of my comfort zone. Hands shake, heart quickens and head spins. Feeling His hands on my shoulders knowing that He is there to catch me when I fall. Because I will fall, I am only human. But thankfully with Him my landing will feel much softer and a little more bearable then before.
It feels good knowing that in my heart and soul I have stepped into the light that He was waiting for me to feel. The warmth that He knew was there but I was too chicken to allow myself to trust. To allow myself to let go. My grasp is getting looser. My fingers are no longer digging into the door frame. But are hanging onto God's arms for dear life. Knowing that together we will get through this and that it is ok.
There is no turning back now. As I step further and further from the door, closer to my Fathers arms into the trust and the love that have always been there but I had just been too scared to accept it. So the journey has begun yet again. Another journey with the same trusting guide at my side. A journey that may take a while. One that I may feel like I get lost in. One where I may feel alone yet I know that the One that is capable of leading me has control of the map and knows the destination in which we venture to.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Giving it up

And handing it over are two things that I have really been trying to do. To just leave it in God's hands. I don't know what it is with those two things that I find so hard to do.
I thought that with each situation I would have to do it just once. Once when it came up and that would be final. I have found that to be false. Well in my world anyway.
These things keep coming up over and over. I find myself thinking about it. Tossing and turning. Should have done this. Shouldn't have done that. If only this and if only that. You know it is true, hindsight is really 20/20.
So I have found myself giving over the same situation many times. Many times trying to pass it over to God. There really is nothing I can do to fix any of it. It is not in my control and I think that is what bothers me the most and makes it so hard. Every time it comes up I now try to stop and tell God, "I know I am asking again but please take this worry, this hurt and this stress from me." Man He must be getting tired of hearing from me by now.
The stupid thing is that I hope that others can help me to come up with answers. When in actuality it is not their problem. It is mine and I can really only expect God to come up with the answers that I need. Then I need to trust that I have given it to Him and it is in His hands and there is no safer place for it to be.
When I hurt I run to people. Have tried to do that all my life. Most of the time though they can't do anything for me. But I still run to them. In the midst of taking that first step I need to stop and turn to God. It is a lot tougher for me to do then I ever thought. I need to do it over and over again until I get it right. One day that will happen. I am just glad that He won't give up on me in the process.
So as I lay wide awake yet again this morning with the worry going through my head I turned to God. (then I came and did a blog). I asked Him if He is getting tired of me handing the same thing to Him over and over again. I got a "of course not." I guess that if I need to give it to Him time and time again I will. Until I can trust fully deep within my heart that He has a safe hold on it. I can say that I trust He's got it all but then would I still worry? I guess that is the human part of me. I am a worrier. But like I have heard before: "worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you no where." So true. Tired of rocking back and forth. So here I sit giving it over yet again. Afraid still that He might get mad. That He will get tired of hearing it. But the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that He isn't like my Earthly parents. He is slow to anger. Quick to love. That I am grateful for.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Being Watched

Last night during my restlessness I was remembering some of my childhood. I remembered the feeling of being watched growing up. Not just by parents but by someone unseen to my human eye. I never grew up in a Christian home. My mom didn't agree with religion I guess. She didn't like it when we talked about going to church with one of the kids she babysat. Wasn't sure about the idea.
Funny thing is that even though I did not become a Christian until my late teens, early twenties, I grew up always feeling like I was being watched. I even referred to a God that I didn't know existed.
I remember at one point when I was younger I had this sense come over me that I was being watched all the time. To the point that I thought I needed to get changed in my closet so that what ever was watching me didn't see me change. Funny hey? I remember when it rained I thought God was crying or watering His garden. When it snowed I thought He was sweeping His home in the clouds. When it was sunny He was just purely happy. When it was dark and the moon was shining He had a light on. Sounds pretty pathetic hey? I thought angels came down to Earth on the sunbeams that I watched dance through the clouds.
I guess you could say that I had a vivid imagination as a child. Now I see it as the fact that I knew God was there. Even though I didn't know who He was. I believed someone else was watching over me and I knew nothing of the gospel or of the Savior that was sent to die for us. But my childish heart believed.
Made me see that He really was there all my life. Even though it was forced to not be thought of He was there. Even though any of my questions were ignored He stayed by my side. Even though I wasn't aloud to go to church I found Him in my own ways. Found the Father that I didn't even know existed. Lost Him for a while. He was still there but no longer was I. I was too busy. Came to Him again when I was older and while lying in my bed last night talking to Him, with my husband practically in a comma beside me, I was given the reminder that in my heart I knew that He was there.
In my heart I knew I was being watched by Him and protected. That gave me such a peaceful feeling. Opened my eyes to the fact that He was always pursuing me even when I pushed Him away and that He will still find me. Gave me a warm feeling that this same God that I knew was there when I was small was watching over us now and will be the one that my child believes in. That my child knows who it is that is watching over them. What an awesome feeling to know that when I can't be there someone else is that is able to watch and protect every step of the way. Thankful that I am being watched.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Don't Leave

Tonight is one of my now common restless nights. Tossing and turning. Not able to sleep. Usually takes me an hour or so to get back to sleep. Sometimes just in time to wake up to the alarm.
In the midst of my tossing and turning my mind has been reeling back and forth. For some reason two simple words came to my head, "Don't leave".
I was reminding myself of when I was in the hospital. In my weakest moment wanting nothing more then to just cry I said those two words. To the people beside my bed in between the boughts of pain and tears I whispered to them "don't leave." They didn't. With the tears falling down my face and not able to open my eyes because of the pain they sat closer to me. Grew so close that I obviously felt their presence. Hands on my head or my back just assuring me that they were there and they weren't about to leave anytime soon. Wiping the tears and holding me close whispering to me that it was ok and they were there.
So of course that got me thinking even more and thus here I am.
I realized that I have said those two words a few times in my life. Who hasn't. I have whispered them. Thought them and said them right out loud. But it didn't matter how much I asked at those times those people left. They had to. So I was scared to ask in the hospital for my companions not to leave. What if they were to leave me like the others?
Parting or leaving someone is hard. It makes a mark on the soul that is hard to ever forget. Once I started thinking about those that have left me I started to think about God.
I have whispered those words to Him. I have screamed them to Him. Every time He tells me, "I am going no where. I am right here." When I allow myself to hear it. When I allow myself to accept that He is not leaving I feel His arms wrap around me and His hands dry my tears. The whole time wanting to run away from it all I would keep whispering, "don't leave."
I almost picture the scene as a small child crying out for their daddy not to leave. Here we sit with our arms outstreched to God with tears streaming down our puffy cheeks begging Him not to leave. But unlike our earthly fathers He won't leave. He is there for the long haul. Does He ever do this to us? Stretching out His arms to us wanting to pull us back in? Wanting to hold us and never let us go no matter how hard we try to fight it.
I wonder if God ever feels this way. He knows our hearts right? So when someone is so mad, upset or confused He knows. He knows when we are debating on leaving Him. As hard as it is to imagine we do it. We just want to leave and run away to not look back. Because we feel that we are done and that there is nothing being answered anyway. What is the point? So some have turned their backs on Jesus. Sad but true. Made me start wondering. When He knows what we are feeling in our hearts does He cry out to us? With tears falling down His precious cheeks reaching His arms out to us whispering, "don't leave."
Does this make any sense? In my head I get what I mean.
I think He does cry out for us to not leave. But more often then not I think we cry out to Him. I am starting to realize that when I cry out to Him He is crying back telling me that He is not going anywhere. Sitting closer to me drawing me into His arms and holding me. Stroking my hair, rubbing my forehead and just letting me know that His presence is real. I cry out to Him and He tells me that He is there.
How cool is it knowing that there is someone we can cry, "don't leave" to and He will listen and wrap His arms around us so tight that we know He is going no where. In my mind there are going to be the times when He cries out for us not to leave Him. So what are we going to do? Hold Him closer or run away? I plan on always pulling Him closer. The closer He gets to my heart the more at home I feel.

Friday, October 28, 2005

I just couldn't wait

The baby's crib came in on Tuesday. I was just itching to set it up. So tonight I was humored. Thanks to daddy, Aunty Sue and I the crib is now assembled and the bedding all put into place. Just waiting on the mattress. Then we even ge tto do some paiting one day soon.
I can't wait to see this little one and I have so much time to go still. It amazes me that although we are trying to come up with names and wondering what L.B. looks like God already knows.
Our room has been rearranged to fit the computer so the baby can have it's own room. The computer just needs to make it there. One day we will have a house so it won't feel so cramped. But for right now we have a home and that is what matters.
I am so tired!! Time for bed.

Giving it to God

Why is it that I give it to God with my heart yet my brain keeps me worrying and fretting?
Right now I believe that I am in a bit of my own wilderness. I am not going to get into it here right now, maybe one day but the time isn't right.
Yesterday I felt so at the end of my rope and felt the anxiety spiking and getting higher and higher. Now that isn't good for me so it definitely can't be good for the baby. So there I was driving my little Lordco car - praying out loud to God. I had turned down the music and just prayed out loud to Him. Telling Him that I am tired of the worry and the stress and that I know He will walk me through this wilderness so take the worry from me. Help me to be strong and remember that He was right by my side.
You know, I felt better. I made it a goal to work on giving it completely over to Him. Yet this morning my mind is just racing. Why don't I just leave it at His feet? Leave it outside? I feel like in essence I am almost slapping Him in the face saying, I take it back. But I don't. Not in my heart. In my heart it is now His.
I don't want to take it back. I want Him to handle it cause he does a much better job then I could. I guess it is the old tapes that I am struggling with. Time to disregard them and go on. I wish it were that easy.
I give it to God. The wilderness may be short, it may be long but thankfully He is the water that will quench my thirst and the food that will fill me to the fullest. Thankfully He won't abandon me.
Now, how do I get rid of my brain and its tendency to worry? How can I make that stop? Just stop myself and pray? Man I have a lot of learning to do.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Yeah! She's home!

Found out today that our friend Jordanna got to come home last night. What an answer to prayers. Keep her in your prayers that she continues to grow strong and healthy. You know, being home can be a big boost in that area too. After 40 plus days one tends to never want to visit a hospital again!
So glad you are home Jordanna!!
Thank you God.

Growing in Grace

Read something interesting in this book by Bob George.

"The Christian is being duped into the incredible deception of psychology because we have either forgotten or never learned that Christ "Knew what was in a man."
We read one Christian book aafter another explaining how to know Him, but we seldom read a book explaining how to walk by faith in the fact that He also knows us. We therefore end up saying, "God, I admit that You are more familiar with the things of heaven then I am. But you just don't understand what I am going through here in the 'real world'."
The fact of the matter is that Christ is the "real world," and all the other things that we are enamored with will soon disappear. Remember: Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)"." p.34

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

We are the Body - Casting Crowns

Every time I hear this song I need to stop and think. It rings so true. If we are the body, why aren't we.....
Makes me ponder every time.

We are the Body

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ

Jesus is the way

Monday, October 24, 2005

Pastor Appreciation

You know what the month of October is? It is actually Pastor/Clergy appreciation month. I have been guilty of not telling the important pastors in my life how grateful I am for them. Each one of them.
Now, this is all my own opinion so don't anyone go getting their panties in a bunch.
I have been seeing, hearing and reading a lot of things over the last month. Negative things about being a pastor and positive. I do not know what it is like to be a pastor because I have not been priveledged enough to feel that God has called me to do that. One day He may call me. But for now the ones that I have grown to love and appreciate amaze me enough. They were called by God to do His work. I feel like it is just that. That God is using them in a way that only He will understand.
I have a lot of admiration for pastors. Mind you I will never place them above God. Cause only God is first. The sad thing is that I have seen many do just that. It becomes an individuals chruch rather then God's church. When did we go so wrong?
I was listening to Praise one day and they were talking about this. That unfortunately a church will place the leaders on high pedistals. When they fall the church falls. They were saying what would it be like if we didn't do that and we placed God up there where He needs to be. Realizing that it is His church and these are the people that He calls to help Him do the work He wants to be done. They may be there for a season or a life time. But ultimately it is God's decision.
From my point of view being a pastor is tough. Expected to be there for someone 24/7. Called to the side of someone's death bed. Sitting to have a coffee with a confussed believer. Offering a couch up to someone that is so lost in the moment. Clearing their schedule to be there in the time of need for someone. They are there in the good moments and the bad. I can only imagine what kind of stuff they help to battle. I have had help with battling from someone dear to me. It meant all the difference. Just being there can be the best thing they can do for anyone. It doesn't pay enough. But the rewards do not go unnoticed. You can see it in the eyes of those they have helped to understand Jesus. That they have guided through tough spots and fought the battle with and won.
I appreciate my pastors. Probably more then they will ever know. While I appreciate them I know that God has them here for the reason. They are willing to do the dirty work. The behind the scenes crap that most of us couldn't even imagine getting into.
Thanks to my pastors. Thank you God for calling them into the position that you have designed for them.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Time of Testing

"Often, even today, we seek Jesus for the wrong reasons. We unknowingly use Him. He is reduced to a resource in time of need."

Victory in the Wilderness p. 19

Ouch that hurt! But you know, unfortunately it is true.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Phil starts his new job.

Just send a little prayer out for him. We believe that God has directed him to this job. Just wanting to send him out prayers of encouragement.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Following Jesus

"To follow Jesus means paying the price, and that price is incremental. He takes us to deeper levels of commitment and each time there’s a cost. So, when the time comes to do the hard—but right—thing, don’t procrastinate. Take the next step and trust Jesus." —Crawford W. Loritts

It really is some messy work. Darn it. But I am striving so hard to do that messy work so that I can live in Christ fully.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Fake it 'til you make it

If you are like me most of you have heard this saying almost all your life in some way or another. Either on TV, movies, parents or the such. I grew up hearing that statement.
I remember if I was sick or had a headache I was asked if I was sure. Are you faking it? No. I wasn't. To this day you will catch me saying "I'm not faking it." In fact I remember in the hospital I would say that to a few people. "I am not faking it. You believe me right?" I would ask in between the tears cause I was in so much pain. Those that loved me so deeply and unconditionally never doubted it. I would make sure that they believed me while fighting to ask for more pain killers. Fighting the pride. There was no way I was faking that.
However, there have been many times and instances where I would try my hardest to fake it. I thought I was doing good. Saying I am fine when I am hurting inside. Saying that it was all good when it wasn't. Saying ah don't worry about it when all I wanted to do was say something. To be held. Fighting the tears and hiding it when they wanted to fall. Faking the smiles. Faking the laughter. Only to find out that those who are close to me and know me well knew all along. They knew that I would keep fighting it but when the time was right I would let them in. When I could no longer fake it. Cause I just couldn't make it.
Thinking I could do it all on my own. Finding out that was a lie. Fighting hard only to discover that God knows that I am faking it. Then for myself to realize that without God I won't make it. Without myself letting Him in I wouldn't be able to go on. I could no longer do it on my own. I never could.
It has been recently when I have started to realize that He knows I am faking it but He knows the truth. He sends me things to think about it. Just as I thought I had succeeded at winning the battle. The battle that I thought was over. Only to realize that it is just the beginning. That I may be in the middle of my wilderness journey and that I need the help that God provides. That I can't do it anymore and I am tired. Tired of faking it. Sometimes I think that is what He was waiting for me to say. Waiting for me to admit the truth that He already knew.
I know that I can't make it without Him. I can't make it on my own. I can't even fake it as well as I thought I used to do. He created me the way I am. I need to be that woman of God. No matter how wrong it may feel due to the upbringing and societal ways that I have grown accustomed to thinking and believing.
As I journey through the wilderness that He guides me through I believe He is there. He knows my heart. I get mad. I yell. I cry. I shut right up. But He knows and He understands. He won't leave me. He keeps me going through that door. The doors that open because He feels I am ready. He brings me through them cause even though I feel like I have faked it well enough for it to be done and over with that it still needs to be completed.
I can't fake it. He knows me too well. The more I try to fake it the more I realize that I really am not going to make it. That I need Him to lean on to. That I don't need to fake it. I just need to learn to be the person He created me to be.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

In God's arms

The other night I was having on of my usual "moments". Still don't know if it is the extra hormones that surge through my body at any given moment or if it was a time for me to just reflect. Haven't let myself just cry. You know just sit and cry when I feel like it all just needs to come out. Being the stubborn person I am I always held it in.
Lately it is like it has been harder to hold that in. So I climbed into bed and lay there by myself. Caught myself spending time with God. I wasn't alone.
My tears soaking the pillow. Curled into a ball with the covers pulled to my chin. It was actually a very real and relaxing moment for me. My imagination and my heart took off. All of a sudden I envisioned myself in His arms. My head was laying against His chest. My tears soaking His robe. The blanket was his arms that pulled the robe around me to protect me and keep me safe. Felt the strength in His embrace. Almost like He was running His hands through my hair calming me. Whispering, "it's ok My child. That's right, let me hold you. Let it go."
I immediately wanted to stop. Didn't want to cry against His chest. Didn't want to show my vulnerability. He knew. He held me tighter. He told me that He knows my vulnerability. He created me. His chest was there for me to cry against. That He was there for me to just collapse and feel totally safe in His arms. You know what? That was the first night in a long time that I actually slept all the way through. Woke up in a good mood. Totally conscience of His presence. What a gift He gave me that night.
I have been learning to engulf those gifts He gives me. Either it be crying in His arms and feeling His presence. Feeling the love of community and family. Feeling the joy or pain of that same family.
I am a very emotional and protective person. To some it may be annoying but that is my way. Those closest to me know that it can't be changed. I believe that is a gift from God. A gift designed out the specific way He wants it to be. When someone hurts I hurt. When they are happy I share in the joy. I now embrace it wholeheartedly. I used to think I was just nuts but now I believe that I am meant to feel it so I can relate. To be the support someone needs or to know how the person feels. To know when to just jump in and not accept no for an answer or to just sit and listen. To know when to hold people or when to let them go. Some I haven't let go. Must hang on. But I feel it is time. I will protect any of my friends to the end of the Earth. I will walk on the outside so the cars hit me before they hit them. I will stand up for them in a heartbeat. No questions asked. You hurt my friend you hurt me. That is just the way I am.
The more I learn to embrace it the more I understand. I am not saying I am like God but is that not what He does? Protects His children. Jesus puts Himself on the cross to fight for us before we are even born. A perfect follower of God gives up His life so that we can have life in Him. Holding us and letting us cry. Lifting us onto His shoulders and dancing with us. Embracing us. Going through the cess pool every step of the way. Fighting for us.
If we are truly the body of Christ then we need to be just like God's arms. We need to embrace. To love. How much better would it be just to be in His arms all the time?

Monday, October 17, 2005

Tough moments

Been in a few of those over my years. Moments that make me stop and remember things that I had thought I had buried so deep that I threw away the key. Only to come to the realization that it is not true. It is all still there.
Tested on a daily basis. I can't test God but He sure as heck can test me. In the tough moments learning what to lean on. Crawled into His lap and layed my head against His chest and felt His robe wrap around me and keep me safe. Keep me warm. He lets me cry. Lets me scream. Lets me get it out.
Put into situations and circumstances in which I am not comfortable only to discover that I have God beside me and I just need to focus on Him.
The tough moments are always the hardest to get through. But He did say that He would not leave us. The tough moments when you feel like all is lost He is there whispering in your ear to tell you to keep taking those baby steps. To deal with the past and the hurt because He is the great surgeon that will help to make my heart new and whole in Him. The surgery always hurts. Makes me bleed. Makes me weak. But deep, deep down I know that it is ok. Cause He is the only one with a steady enough hand to do the delicate work. The intricate details that only His hands know how to perfect.
The tough moments come in spurts. Some can all come at once and bombard me to the point where I drop to my knees. Too weak to move. Then in the moments of clarity I wonder if that was the point. If that was where He needed and wanted me to be all along. To bring myself to Him. To be held in His arms. To trust that it will pass.
Moments and things I am not willing to get into with anyone. Just turning to God or at least learning to. Maybe once we figure it out it will be time to let others in. Just being patient right now knowing that God has His plans and things come up now because He thinks I am ready. Even if I don't think I am. Carrying me through the moments.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Last weekend was an interesting one for me. Phil's mom bought us a crib and my mom bought us the bedding we had chosen.
After the shopping was done Phil, Sue and I were all hungry so we went to the local McDonalds in Langley. The one off of 200th and Willowbrook Drive. Across from Staples. While there I saw something and vowed to never go back there.
There was this gentleman sitting kiddie corner to us. He looked homeless. Had a huge back pack with miscelleneous things attached to it. He had come in from outside and gotten a refill on a coffee. From what I saw from my vantage point I didn't see him doing anything wrong. I could tell that some people were actually disturbed and uncomfortable with his presence. There he was quietly sitting stiring his honey into his coffee. Bothering no one.
Now I didn't catch the full conversation and I may be judging, but I am judging upon the actions that I saw carried out before me.
The manager had walked over to him and asked the gentleman for his receipt for his coffee. Now who the heck keeps a receipt for the coffee? I am not sure if the manager was also uncomfortable with his presence or not. The man inside couldn't produce a receipt. So the manager thought that he had scammed it. You know it is SO expensive for a McDonalds cup of coffee. It probably cost him a whole 10 cents. I know some of you may be saying that it wasn't the point. But to me I was appaled.
The manger kicked the guy out and even took away his cup of coffee. My heart felt for him. I had no cash so I couldn't offer to buy him a cup. I wish I could have. I was just taken aback at the managers treatment of a guy that was doing no wrong that any of us could see.
The manager even followed the guy out the store to make sure that he definately left the property. When he went outside he saw two other homeless people sitting on the curb in front of his store. He then proceeded to ask those guys to leave.
I understand that it sets an image for the company but why not create a softer image rather then a strict one that has no room for lines to be crossed. What about one that opened their arms to people that needed it.
Got me to really start thinking. What IF God was one of us?

Got this yesterday

been in my mind still to this moment.

Dt. 3:22

"Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you."

I took this rather to heart. That I need not be afraid of anything cause no matter what God will always be the one fighting for me. Always. How cool is that? What an awesome God to have on our side.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Christmas Cocoa

The other day I was craving chocolate. So I went into the kitchen to make myself some hot chocolate cause I was also cold. I had a childhood memory come back to me.
It's grandma's house. We would get there and she would always have some hot water boiled and waiting for my brother and I to help ourselves to it. Adding chocolate mix to make our favorite drink. Grandma would give us some of those little colored marshmallows to put on top. My brother and I always fought over who had more so it came down to mom setting a specific number that we could put in. So let's say that number was 10. Grandma would always sneak in a few more, whispering for us not to tell. That was Grandma's Christmas Cocoa. No matter what time of the year it was it was always called the same thing.
It got exciting to go over to Grandma's for the special Grandma treat. To this day, about 17 years later, she still asks me if I would like some Christmas Cocoa.
While I was remembering this childhood moment I started to think. This is what I want for my child. Happy memories like this. Memories of doing things with mommy or daddy. Or both. Or grandma. I really do long to be a stay at home mom. I just pray that it will be God's will and that it will work out financially for us. There is nothing more that I want then to be at home with my child. (remind me of this when I blog about pulling out my hair months from now)
It is awesome cause Phil wants the same thing for me. I leave it in God's hands and pray that it is what He wants too.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

ok, ok... Intrest peaked

I am Sally.

You are Sally!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Daily Christian Wisdom

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

-Helen Keller

Something I am learning. And only through God can the success be achieved.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Ok, ok... So I was tagged

twice. so I found my 23rd post.
Here is the fifth line:

So I got out and told my husband that I was going to go for a run.

I was talking about going out for a run. Just needed to get some things off my chest. You know, either figuratively or physically I have spent a lot of time running. It has only been recently when I think I have slowed down enough to be caught up to.

I am not going to tag anyone cause I think most people have been. That is the thing with being slowest to respond. Oh well...

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Being Thankful

Todays church service seemed to tug at my heart strings and my tear ducts a little more then usual. I still am trying to figure out if it was just the hormones. I don't think so.
Greg went around with the wireless mic and asked some people to volunteer to say what they were thankful for this Thanksgiving. I wanted to speak but was already crying so didn't even bother. But did tell him afterwards.
For some reason this Thanksgiving seems to pull me a little more then usual. In a good direction.
As weird as this may sound I am thankful for my last week in the hospital. I know, sounds pretty stupid hey? My week in the hospital seemed to open my eyes and heart a little more to God. Something I was searching to have happen. It may not have been obvious on the outside but I felt it on the inside. I am thankful for growing in Christ and that He is always there for me.
I am thankful for:
Friends that love me
An awesome husband
To be proveledged enough to carry this miracle God has blessed us with

I am thankful for more but that is what has been on my heart the most lately. The moments in which God came so much closer to me were sometimes in my weakest moments. In the loving touch of someone who cared. That wouldn't leave my side no matter how foolish I felt or how long they had already been there. In the eyes of my soul mate. In the moment of silence when the tears poured and my heart cried to God. I realize that I may be repeating myself here but I just can't seem to state the point enough.
As I dropped to my knees just to let him wash over me the tears fell. Feeling the eyes of people possibly on me I got scared and wanted to stand. But then I didn't care. I shook and I cried but it wasn't for me. It wasn't for anyone to judge. It was in total admiration of my Father. Of our Saviour.
Thank you God for moments like today and those in the hospital. Thank you for your Son so that I may live a new life in You. Thank you Lord for your mercy and your grace. The two things that I have struggled to understand but I think I may be getting it now.
So this Thanksgiving remember our Father as we do everyday. I am glad I am able to express myself in ways that only He may understand. I am so Thankful that I am here today. At this moment. In this life. And that I have such an awesome Father who is always there for me.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Getting more and more excited

I know, I know. I am only just past three months but I am excited! Daddy and I are talking about how to lay out the baby's room. I get my ultrasound in November. We did a gift registry at Sears yesterday. It just seems so much more exciting right now for some reason.
Could it be that I am out of my first trimester so I feel a little more at ease? I know the baby is developing and growing strong. I saw it on the ultrasound when I was in the hospital. The only good thing about that whole "trip".
So at only 13 weeks my excitment is growing. It is going to be such a long time yet but it will come. I am so excited to meet the little miracle that God has blessed this family with.
Funny thing with babies on the way. Tattered, torn, hard relatinships that you thought were meant to stay the way they are are tending to start working themselves out. Funny how God works. With the baby on the way I am actually seeing a difference in one of my relationships. I got to hear something, sorry, that I was waiting for for ever. Amazing how precious babies really are. I am so in love with this little bean already that I can't imagine how I would be able to love it more.
Thank you God for the blessing.

Friday, October 07, 2005


As some of you may or may not know one of the youths from our church, Jordanna, is in the hospital. Mitch is one of her friends and he keeps us up to date on her progress whenever he can. Last I heard she was going to be transferred to Children's hospital for more care. It looks like her galbladder may need to be removed. She has been in the hospital for 20 plus days now.
I have been thinking a lot about her lately.
There I was laying in my bed barely able to move when I look up and she had made her way to my room from the other end of the hospital. Complete with IV pole and all. She is barely well herself and here she was worried about me and asking me how I was doing. Giving me that warm smile all the time. I was shocked.
Jordanna is an amazing young woman that has had to go through so much growing up and, to put it plainly, crap for someone her age in the past month.
She is someone I can look up to. I really admire her. Her faith in Christ never seemed to falter. She always would have a smile on her face no matter how much pain she may have been in at that moment. Lost her dignity. Has thrown up in front of her friends, her family. Meanwhile I was afraid to throw up in front of the nurses. She has been poked and prodded like a piece of raw meat. Has lost nearly 20 pounds and yet still smiles.
She is in the same boat I was in. Unable to keep anything down. Even water. Yet she laughs in between the pain and the tests. Frustrating answers. Lack there of. Yet she still keeps her awesome disposition. A woman God can really be proud of.
In her state she is in a way ministering to the fellow patients and the nurses. Telling them all about Thailand and never hesitating to talk about God with whoever will listen. She absolutely amazes me and is a good example for me. As I ventured down to her room one day to visit I could hear the worship songs she was playing filling the halls and walking into her room knowing and feeling how much she loved God.
She has kept her faith strong. She even said she was praying for ME. I couldn't believe it. Admidst all her pain and agony she was still thinking about others. Makes me proud to call her a sister in Christ. Proud to call her family. Proud to look up to her even though she is younger.
I am growing and learning and have come a long way. But just like anything in this life being a Christian and following Christ ever so faithfully takes a lot of work. Hard work that you must be willing to do that others may not want to. Requires getting your hands dirty for Christ. I am so glad that I can see this in Jordanna and that amazes me. She truly is an inspiration.
So I am going to end here by asking for continued prayer for her healing and the doctors wisdom. Keep her in your prayers.
If you are like me getting to know this young woman would change your life forever.