On the long journey

I have come to some realization in myself the past few weeks. I realized that all my life I have been the one to defend others and to be the strong one in most, if not all, situations. If I wasn't to be that strong person and set the example then who would? How would we be able to get through the situation? I have learned to not rely on anyone. Not even myself. Thus the reason why I find it so hard to trust people at all. Even myself sometimes. Why I find it so hard to trust God. There is a part of me that needs to have that trust and love earned. I don't use those words easily. When I do say them you know I mean it. I have let people walk on me. Let them knock me when I am down. That's just the reality of what being me had been all these years.
I am tired of it. Wanting to just get up and run but at the same time wanting to let someone comfort me and take care of me. But if I show that vulnerability then how can I help anyone else? How can I help to make situations bearable or even be a listening ear when I am the one that needs to be listened to? I am the one that is weak. How can I be strong when all I want to do is collapse and just let my guard down for once?
I am only one person. Tired of running, tired of pulling the damn mask off and on again and again. Not knowing who I really am anymore. He's proud of me. No matter what I do? No matter how weak I become and how vulnerable I allow myself to be.
I have been slowly learning how to accept those vulnerable moments. To embrace them. Let the tears fall. Spent so many years by-passing them that there is just too many to keep holding in anymore. I can help someone by helping myself. By showing that I am human and that it is ok to go through the emotions.
I've been broken. Not once. Not even twice. I always thought that it would be one rock bottom then that was it. But I have found that to be false. There are many situations in which I may feel like I am hitting rock bottom because I need to just come back to Jesus. I need to reach back out to Him. I need to allow the comfort and the healing to begin in my heart. He will break me as many times as He feels He needs to. That is the scary part. Just when I think it is over and done I am drowning again. Only if I were to put my stubborn pride on the shelf and reach out to the loving, caring arms that are being stretched out to me. The ones that have no strings attached. The ones that won't turn around the next minute and be mad at me for letting myself just lose it all. Draining myself of all emotion knowing that I am in a safe place and surrounded by love and that it is ok to hurt.
It is ok for me to accept the love and have the faith that it isn't going to all go south on me. That I can and will actually do something good that I won't get disciplined or judged for.
I have a long way to go before I realize what God is saying to me. Maybe it is just me that needs to listen a little closer.
Knowing that it is human and that it is ok for me to just be me. The sad, the happy or the ugly. That I am loved no matter what. I am loved unconditionally and it totally blows me out of the water.
I am learning to embrace and capture the moments in His presence and learning to understand that this is all a process that He wants me to go through. At this particular point in time this is what He wants from me. No matter how hard it may be for me to accept, He knows it. Yet He patiently waits.
I know I have said it before but I am so glad that we have such a loving, patient Father. On this long journey that I hesitantly agree to take step by step He has my back. That this journey may be different from the next but I always have that love. If I would just learn to embrace it.