Thursday, December 30, 2010

"Jesus wept"

John 11:35 tells us that Jesus wept. He wept over the anguish of a loss.

Lately there have been a lot of losses around me. People I love suffering through betrayal and hurt. People suffering through losing people they love. Those suffering through debilitating illnesses. Before I would find myself getting angry at God, but I am finding right now that I am weeping. It makes me think, is God weeping along with us?

Friends have lost a child recently. A couple days a go another friend died. A victim of a horrible accident, in a second the family lost their father and their husband. All in the blink of an eye. I always have believed that a parent should NEVER ever have to outlive their children. It is so heart breaking to witness any loss. These recent losses got me thinking further. These are God's children. So our Father is outliving His children. Does it make His heart weep? Does it make His heart ache?

I am thankful that in this time of mourning and uncertainty God is with us. I am thankful that we "do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin." Hebrews 4:15

So this Father, this High Priest, our Jesus is able to sympathize with us. I find myself in this time doing something much different then I have ever done before. Rather then blaming and yelling at and criticizing God I find myself weeping. Imagining that He is along side me weeping along with me.

During this season of weeping my heart is so sore. It is hard to wrap our heads around and understand this side of heaven all the hurt and pain that each of those I love is going through. But in Faith I will walk believing that Jesus is weeping with us. That He will not abandon us during this time.

"Jesus wept", we are free to do the same, knowing that Jesus understands and He will protect us during this time. Pray with me for peace in the lives of all those hurting. Within the church family, blood family and friend family. Only God knows the reason and it is hard to just pray and feel so helpless. But it is times like this that I wonder, what else CAN I do?

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Trusting and Understanding God

Those, for me, are two of the hardest things I can do. I think a lot of people can find that same struggle.
For me it is fear based. Like I can trust myself to take care of me better then the God of the universe! God is so big that I don't think we will ever be able to understand Him. I think to some small points we get the glimpses of Him. Like how much He loves us. Sure I can see a bit of it but it is actually SO much more then that.

I am reading a book called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith. Angie talks about her struggles with God during a time when she has to give birth to her dying child. This book is a hard read for me. As I am sure it would be most people. I would have done the same thing that she did though. Even though the outcome was grim for her daughter she chose to carry her until the time GOD decided to take her home.

As most of you know I have had three early losses. I am telling people that I am fine with only having one child. I am fine that after two and a half years we have not been able to conceive or bring a child to full term and get to love them. I am blessed to have my beautiful 4 year old.
As I watch at a distance I see a family going through the struggle of losing their 4 year old. Watching her die slowly. Then I find myself asking God WHY.

Pregnancy announcements are hard for me. Three in the past two days. Yeah I realize it may sound pathetic to still feel this way but this is me and it DOES matter because it hurts me. It is making me realize that the reason it hurts is because I haven't grieved my babies and the loss of the dreams of a future. But how do I do that?
This morning I found myself just laying in bed crying out to God. Giving Him my hurt, my pain and my tears. Letting my guard down and letting HIM in. He cried with me, He held me and stroked my hair as I fell asleep amongst the tears.

Then when I woke up I could still feel His powerful presence. I went back to the book by Angie Smith. I read a bit then came to the verse that is at the end of her chapter I was on.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I have read this verse before. I have sat and thought about it before. This morning it struck me. "Lean not on your own understanding", hmmm funny because I don't understand why I feel hurt and sorrow and pain. I don't understand WHY we lost three babies. And to us they ARE babies even though the losses were early. I can't wrap my head around the WHY of it all. This morning I am realizing that I am not meant to understand it. I am meant to just trust in Him. That even though my babies went to heaven I will see them one day. That God is good and He has so much more in store for me.
My heart breaks in to a million pieces when I hear about lost pregnancies. Pregnancies that went home too soon. Before we were ready. Children that went home, or are going home, before WE are ready. God is ready for these children, these babies. He holds His hands out to receive them. Knowing that He is with my babies gives me a slight sense of peace. Yes God does "give and take away" but the beauty of it is that even though something is being taken away there is even more beauty that will arise out of the situation.

If I didn't lose my babies, if I didn't end up in the psych ward because of the mental breakdown after the third loss, there is no way I would be on the journey I am on now. I know that I need to let God in and I know that He is waiting for me to open that door, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock." Revelation 3:20. I will sometimes let that door peek open just a crack and test the waters so to speak. But He doesn't push past me to get in. I slam the door shut and He raises His hand again to knock. He doesn't get tired of knocking. He doesn't get tired of waiting. He is gentle and loving. He is a gentleman in every sense of the word.

So as I find myself spinning in the dark, stuck in a valley I can see His light ahead. I feel His hand slip in to my own and guide me out, making the trek to the hilltop again. There is pain along the way but as the bible once again says, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin." So we have someone who can relate to us in every way because He is GOD. He made us, He loves us and hurts with us. So given that we "can approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Notice what it says there. We may receive MERCY and find GRACE. It doesn't say that we will receive understanding as to WHY these things are happening. But we will be given the grace to accept it. As long as we just put our faith and trust in God.

Trusting God can be hard and it is just a matter of walking it out in faith. The world comes and tries to take over. Our own minds wanting answers get caught up in it all and then we just put ourselves in a spiral.
Although I don't understand WHY today I am going to choose to trust Him. That He really does have good planned for my life and will walk me in all the paths I go down. Guiding me and helping me to go straight. I don't understand. My head knows that this happened for a reason and things continue to happen for a reason but my prayer today is that I can get it in my HEART to understand. I will never be able to fully understand God or His reasons but I can learn to understand that He loves me and has the best intentions for me in the pain of this world. I can learn to trust Him. He walks me down this path. It is bumpy and has smooth moments, tear filled moments and anger moments but He stops with me. He sits with me as I stomp my feet in frustration. As I bang my fists on the ground He doesn't stop me from the emotions but He sits with me patiently understanding as I go through them. As I allow myself to experience the emotions and be weak. He cries with me because I am sad. He hurts with me. I will understand that. In all my weakness my Daddy is holding me and I trust that.

Monday, October 04, 2010


It stinks. No one wants to touch it or go near it. It sticks to your shoe. No one wants that on there. Manure is crap. Plain and simple. Crap. No one likes it.

Why am I gone forever and then come back and write about manure?

Because I heard a good point in our sermon yesterday.

"Fruit grows in manure".

Stop and think about that for a second. Farmers use manure to help fruit and other life giving substances to grow. Even cow corn is life giving, for the cows. The manure helps it to grow. Does the food taste like shit? No. It has a wonderful taste. The fruit just bursts with wonderful texture and taste.

Now think about it figuratively.
We all go through shit in our lives. We don't like it. It is hard. It stinks. It is sticky and discouraging. It is a low part and it makes you feel stuck.

As we continue to go through the manure that we are in we grow. We learn to turn to Jesus. The Farmer that will help us grow and strengthen us through the crap. We come out of the other side ripe.

Crap stinks. I, like many others, have been through crap. But I can sit and look at it after and see how God has pulled me through the stink. He pulled me and pruned me and helped me to grow through the situation and got me to the point where I was fruitful to share about Him. It being only Him that could pull me through I can share my experience and show how God works in my life. Through the good, the bad and the ugly.

Life stinks sometimes but God is there. He is pruning us through the crap and walking along side us, stinking along with us so that we grow to be beautiful in Him when it is done.

Keep heart. Even though you are in the middle of the manure God is working. He will help you walk through it and grow. You will come out victorious and beautiful, bursting with the fruit of Him. You WILL come through the growing season, no matter how bleak it is.

So if you are caught in the manure keep walking. Fruit does come from manure.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

devotion from today

Things I Cannot Understand
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 1, by Os Hillman

"Have you ever questioned God's activity in your life? Have you questioned His love for you based on circumstances that came your way? The cross at Calvary answers the love question. He sent His own Son in replacement for your sin. If you were the only person on earth, He would have done the same. His ways cannot always be understood or reconciled in our finite minds. That must be left for a future time when all will be understood. For now, entrust your life to Him completely. Embrace Him in the hard times and the good."

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

What love is.....

I think I have always had a problem knowing what love really is.

Strings attached. Approval needed. A pat on the back rather then a hug.
I have been learning something. My view on love was tainted and wrong. Love has no strings attached. It holds you when you are broken. It doesn't hold blame and give guilt. Love, real love, is beautiful.

God has an amazing love for His children. EVERY one of them. The lost, the found, the weak, the strong, the broken and the pieced together. He wipes your tears and holds you when you cry. He accepts the tears and doesn't tell you to toughen up. He tells you, "Child, let it out. I am holding you." He doesn't condemn you for your mistakes, He helps you to work through them and realize that you can get through them and He still loves you. NO strings attached.

It is hard for me to wrap my head around it. Love really can't be THAT simple can it? Forgiveness given when asked, really is it that simple? But it is. It really is. His love that will fill any void. A void that cannot be filled with any type of drug, drink or numbing. When we try to fill that void with something besides God and His love it just feels even more empty.

He holds His hands out to us, waiting for us to run to Him. Wanting to hold us in our pain, cry with us, laugh with us with no expectations. Love is God. When you read the following verse I challenge you to replace the word love with "God". The word it with "He". THAT is what true love is.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always loves, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1Corinthians 13:4-8

So cling to real love. The REAL love of Christ. I am so grateful for it and find myself having a hard time believing it is that simple. But it is. Praise God.

Friday, June 11, 2010


I have discovered that it is a very dangerous pain drug. I have TMJ on the left side of my jaw. It hurt so bad it sent me to the hospital. I couldn't eat or talk and that is what made Phil say, "That's're going in."

So I went. When it was time to leave they gave me enough percocet for three days. Plus gave me a dose before I left.
That drug is CRAZY! Not only did it take the pain away but it helped me sleep and check out for a while. It made me loopy and everything. But I didn't mind it. I did it at bed time when Phil was home.

But then something started to concern me. I was running out. How can I get more? Can I convince the doctor to give me more? Ummm....HELLO MISTY!!! You are no longer in pain, you don't need it. BUT! I like checking out and the feeling it gives me. Then another knock on the side of the head....HELLO MISTY!! That is addictive behavior.

So I looked it up on the internet and sure enough it can become addictive in as little as one to two doses. WHOA! That scared me.
My family has a history of addictive behavior. I never did drugs or smoked because I was always afraid I would become addicted. Sure enough I was heading down that path. A friend talked me out of it. I fought wanting to get "more" just because. I learned that it is a BIG thing on the street as well.
It is scary that a drug to relieve pain can do that to someone. I won't take it ever again if I can help it. It is scary what our modern medicine can do to people. It got me praying for those that are addicted and in the dark of their addiction. That they feel there is no way out.
I mean I know I wasn't ADDICTED per-say but I think I was catching the warning signs. I am glad I listened. Because I was honestly about to go to the clinic and get more.

Addictions are so hard. I feel for those that have thrown their lives away because of it. That are so webbed in it they don't know how to fight their way out or even if they CAN fight their way out. I have found my heart breaking for addicts lately. I am not sure why as this is a new to me experience. I have found myself wanting to pray for more and more people lately. Which is a good thing.
It just got me thinking how EASILY someone could slip and not even realize it.

Friday, April 16, 2010

4 years old today!!

at 6:40am my little guy will be 4. How the time has flown. God sure has blessed us with this little miracle. Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you Cooper. You are such a sweet, caring, compassionate, smart little boy.

and this is what a tired, excited little boy who got up at 6am looks like!!

Happy Birthday Cooper!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Feeling Blessed

and loved.

that is all.

this is a hard journey but one I am really truly ready to make and complete each step as I can. I am blessed during this journey. I am so thankful.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Uprooted and exposed

Went to a place to get some pictures today. While taking a couple pictures I looked down. To my surprise I saw a little bundle of small daffodils thrown in amongst some thorny bushes. The roots, bulbs and flowers were all exposed. It was like it was just chucked in there like a piece of garbage.

The beauty amongst the thorns.

you know the irony and the symbolism of this really got me. I have been uprooting memories and hurts to try to heal. My inmost life cells to the elements. To the thorns, cold and dark. Yet even though these little daffodils were exposed to the elements they kept growing. They were blooming against all odds. Just thrown in there like garbage.
Kind of gave me some hope that although my roots are being exposed and thrown about God will in turn help me to blossom through this.

I picked these guys up in my hands and carefully put them in the car. I brought them home and planted them in secure ground. Kind of makes me think that our Father God is picking me up in His safe hands. He is going to plant me and root me to grow in Him and prosper.
Even though I am kicking and screaming and scared, I am sure He MUST have a plan in all of this.

So we will see if the daffodils survive. We will see if I survive.

Monday, March 15, 2010


You know I have more then likely talked about this before but bear with me here because it is on my mind once again.

Surgery is painful. It hurts. It scars and sometimes takes a while to heal. I believe God is performing surgery right now. Trying to heal my heart of the bitterness I hold, the unforgiving parts of me, the hatred. The hurt, pain and tears. I have cried so many tears in the last few days that it is absolutely pathetic.

I find myself longing to be held when I cry. Longing to be held and told that it will be ok. Some of you may have had that as children. Some of you may be like me and not remember having any of that. So not remembering any of that, how can I imagine or feel God doing just that?

I want to do this surgery because I know it is good for my heart and my soul and my being. But I am so scared. So alone. So hurt. It is hard to be cut open. Wide open to bleed and be vulnerable. It needs to be closed and stitched to heal but I think right now God is slowly opening it up to reveal the muscles, the arteries and the blood. He poured the blood for us first. But to have my insides stretched out and raw is just painful.

Surgery sucks.

It has to be for the good - right?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

the truth is hard to hear

but then you start to wonder what is truth.

I have always been told I was stupid, ugly, dumb, and idiot and not worthy. Always. I am being told that it is not the truth. But that is so easy to believe. It has been ingrained in my mind since I was little.

Tonight I was told that I am a bit obsessive and overwhelming. That really hurt. The truth does hurt. But I was also told that given that information I will be strong enough to take it and make it work for me. Make me understand more. To calm.

So given both these major things it comes to the point where I start to wonder what do you believe? when do you believe it?

It hurts to know that I am overwhelming to people. It hurts to think of myself so stupid all the time. I can't hear what God is saying. I only hear what I have been told growing up. Man, I need to be completely rebuilt. How could God be pleased with THIS. With me?

the truth for me is that I am a failure. Everything I do I fail. Time to step away for a bit. We will see when I post again. I am enjoying posting again but at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm people.

I don't know where this is going. I don't even know where I am going. Maybe to bed. Honestly the thought of isolating just keeps coming strong. It would be so much easier. This battle is hard....

Saturday, March 13, 2010

No one said it would be easy......

but why does it have to be so damn hard!??!

Listening to praise music this morning Mercy Me's Hold Fast comes on. The line that I keep hearing over and over is "please do not let go, I promise you there is hope. Hold fast, help is on the way."
You know it really makes me wonder if God is trying to tell me to keep holding on. To keep fighting.

I have just felt like giving up and walking away from it all. Thinking that the struggle of NOT being a Christian would be "easier" then being one. But I really love Jesus and I don't want to leave Him. But dang it this sucks monkey butt!!

I have known time and time again that God is the greatest surgeon and healer. The hard part is that the memories are coming up. The memories I don't want to resurface. The memories that I have pushed for so long to keep down. The wall I have built up is being chipped away. The dam I have built against His ever flowing love is losing logs each day.

I am doing a conference that talks about soaking in God. Talks about the Father heart of God. I don't have a father that I can compare that to. I mean, they are talking about me not being able to do anything to lose His love. That He loves me. Last night was particularly hard.
The speaker kept saying "Pappa come, Daddy I am here." and "Daddy come". It was just so odd to hear it coming from a strangers lips. To hear someone else whisper Daddy come. I have a few friends that when praying for me they talk to Daddy. They tell me about Daddy and that is ok because I feel like it is safe on their lips and in their prayers. But this was a stranger and I sat there with me mouth clenched trying not to let my jaw drop.

Last night I was so tempted to run. I thought I sat in a good spot so that I could run if I wanted to. The whole time I am thinking, I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The tears fell freely. I was ashamed. Then what did God do? There was a pairs exercise. I thought, "WHEW! I can get out of this one", as I saw people pair up. I was totally ok with that. I didn't want to do it anyway because it was hard. I just wanted to be by myself. I was writing in my book to look up and see a lady standing in front of me. She asked if she could sit with me. I said sure. So she stooped down to sit on the floor with me. It wasn't until this morning that I realize it was God. Because that lady STAYED on the floor with me the whole time. I felt like I could no longer run.

The book that I am reading talks about how a woman had asked a pastor if she could just cry on his shoulder. He said you can but I would like to know why. She said it was because her dad died when she was a child and she missed the arms holding her when she was upset. The arms that held her telling her it would be ok. The safe arms.
Oh how I have longed for that! I have longed to just be held and to cry. To feel like I can do that and be safe. I remember in the hospital I did that to a friend. She came in, saw I was upset. Took her jacket off then sat on my bed and pulled me close. I just cried.

Right now in the midst of this heart surgery I have found myself wanting to lean in to people who have been praying for me. To just put my head down on one of their shoulders and just feel safe enough to cry. I am sure that a few of them would "let" me do that but there is a part of me that is afraid to show that vulnerability. How do you ask someone, "Ok, during this prayer session I feel like I just need to cry. How do you feel about me soaking your shoulder with my tears?" I have been too afraid to ask that. There is a part of me that knows if I start I might not be able to stop.

The memories, the struggles. This just seems too hard. I left the conference last night in tears. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I just can't go back there. But here I sit, dressed and ready to go. Tears already brimming in my eyes. The pastor there caught me on my way out the door last night and said she was seeing the struggles I seemed to be having. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said she could see I wasn't. She asked if we could pray. I was super hesitant. This is NOT in my comfort zone. I don't know this person at all. She put her arm around me tight and prayed. Then she told me to pat myself on the back because although this is hard for me I made it two nights.
I feel like I am failing people if I don't go back. I am failing the person who felt this would be a good thing for me to go to. I am failing my husband because we paid for it. I am failing God and failing myself. I need God's strength.

Why is it that I want to be held and want to cry but I just can't ask to do it. I wish I felt His hands drying my tears. God, this is such a hard heart thing to go through and I really don't think I can do this. But this morning I sit here knowing that God is with me. He has to be right? He must be here right?

This is damn hard and I don't like it. I pray that I can feel the safety of my secret place with Him. I pray that I can get through this. That I can forgive. That I can just be held. This is not easy. But people are telling me that it WILL be for the good. It will work out to God's glory right? Right? It has to. Right?

So this morning I am finding myself just putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure how I will go on. Not wanting to eat because I feel so sick. But choosing to believe that He is here. That He will get me through this. I wish I could just FEEL His arms around me right now. The everlasting Father. There I said it. PLEASE don't leave me. Don't let me down from your safety. Please don't leave. Help me to soften my hard heart and continue to be ever so gentle with this surgery.
I am going to assume the healing has begun. It won't be an easy journey. It won't be painless. HOW am I going to get through this!!!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Father Heart of God

Right now I am starting to read the book called "The Father Heart of God" by Floyd McClung Jr.

I read the introduction and was in tears instantly. Boy did that ever frustrate me. My pastor's wife has loaned me the book and she believes that it will help me to understand the Love of God and that He is the ultimate Father. I don't doubt it in my heart that it WILL help. But why am I afraid of it? Afraid of a BOOK!!!

Over and over again I tell myself that fear is not of God. I know for a fact that is a biblical statement. Although I can't quote you the verse right now. I just KNOW that it is in there. It is a common thing said to me as well. I really admire the strength I see in others. The fact that they can just lean on and trust that God is love. That He is a kind and compassionate Father.

With my experiences of "Father's" in my life I don't know how to believe this. Most adults in my life growing up have let me down in some way or another. Been told I was loved but never felt it. It was like it was said because it had to be said in my life.

I have a conference to go to tonight, tomorrow night and Saturday. It is going to talk about the Father heart of God. I am scared. Right now I am trying to think of ways I can get out of it. Trying to think how I can avoid it. How I can run from it. I know this will be hard to go through and I am not sure my heart can handle it. What if I cry? In front of COMPLETE strangers. At least now when I cry in front of people who pray for me they know why. But I am going in to a place of complete strangers.

Last night while praying and talking to God I was crying. I was mad and asked why I am crying why there are so many tears.
God told me, "Because there is so much healing to be done baby."

"Ok Daddy, but I don't want to cry. I am not ready for this. I can't do this. I am so alone in this."

"But you aren't Baby. I am right here. I am sending people in your life to help you in this rocky journey. I am here to dry your tears. To hold you under my wings."

"But I am so weak. I can't do this. I am scared."

"I am here Baby. I am holding you. Trust me."

ok not sure where that came from but it came to me. I WANT to trust God but am afraid to be let down. To be hurt. I am tired of the memories controlling my life. I want "normal" memories. Memories of going to school and riding my first bike etc. I don't want the ones that haunt me now.

I want to trust God. I want to know and understand His heart. I want to believe that He won't leave me and He is the Daddy I have always wanted. That I am Daddy's girl. But I struggle with it. Not understanding. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing where to turn. This is so hard.

So now I sit here thinking about how to get out of tonight. But I think that is the enemy. I am going to do this because I do think it will help. So why is this so damn hard!! sigh....must not run away! Tired of running.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Guarded or Hard?

As I was praying last night I was begging God for forgiveness. I had to show tough love to someone and I felt horrible for it.

A couple weeks ago God told me that He was healing my uterus and my heart. While praying I starting thinking about my heart. Wondering if my heart was hard or just guarded. I asked God but didn't get a definite answer.

If you have followed my blog you will know that I don't tell people I love them very easily. I think in that aspect it is because I guard my heart from being hurt. We have all been hurt in the past and mine has always been by people that "loved" me.

When it comes to God I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to just let it go. I don't understand how he could honestly love me. How He is not going to just abandon me like every one else in my past. The "father" figures that "loved" me.

My dad died a month after I turned five. So he left us alone. I can only imagine how my mom managed. Then at 10 I remember hiding behind bushes at a friends house watching my dad (step dad that gave us the option of calling him dad or by his first name) put his things in the car and back out of the driveway. Never to return home. Then the next man my mom married was abusive towards her. How can I trust that any man would not abandon me. I guess the whole point is that God is not man. He is God.

I am scared to freely love Him. Fear is not of God, I know that. But given the track history I see why I would feel like this. I know a lot of people would say to just let it go. It is a little hard to just let go of all of that.

So back to the idea of my heart. I fear I am being hard. Maybe God is chiseling away at it. But I wonder then that I am not a good Daughter. Part of my mind tells me that I am just being guarded. I really do love God. Yet I am afraid that He has His back to me and is angry at me. That He just is going to give up on me. I have been told that He is "so good" so it makes me question why I can't see that.

I am praying on this. I want a soft heart for God. I want to let my guard down with Him. I am so scared. I know He is the ultimate surgeon. He will heal my heart and body. However, I wonder if it is only when I let my guard down. God forgive me. Please don't leave.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I want THAT

I am guilty of it. You probably are too.

Always wanting, not necessarily needing though. I do it. It makes me ashamed but I do it. Wishing I had that beautiful home. Wanting that house. Wanting more then what I have now. Wanting a new car. Wanting a baby.

See a trend here?? Want, want, want. But God tells me He will provide what I NEED. So I am slowly learning to not lean on what I may want but understanding that God will give me what I need.

I found myself wanting again this weekend. I was talking to a friend and I was just in awe. Listening to the way they talked about God, about how He won't leave me. How He loves me SOOO much. I found myself WANTING what my friend had. Love laced every word they spoke. Just utter awe for our Father. You could hear the amazement in their voice. The truth of the love that they spoke of just ripped right in to my heart. I shook my head in disagreement still believing that I will always mess up and do something wrong in order to piss Him off. To make Him say, "Forget it Baby, you are not worth my time."
Just the way my friend talked made me want what they had. The trust and love just radiating through each word. Smiling while they talked saying how good He is. "Oh Misty, He is SO good, so faithful." Just the trust my friend had.

I WANT that. I came to a realization today that it is ok to want that. It really isn't good to continually want a home like the next person, a nice car, a bigger family. What is important is WANTING more of God. Wanting to ooze the love of God through my speech, my actions, my desires. To be patient and understand that He does love me. My friend reminded me of the way a child talks about their Daddy. How He can do no wrong. How He is the strongest person. Reminded me of how you may talk about your big brother (That you get along with). something like, "MY brother is bigger then you and all of this." My friend showed me this love in just the way they talked about our Father. Our big Brother that took the cross.

I want what my friend has. I want to feel that. I am jealous of that. But I think this might be something that is ok to be jealous of because it is making me want to be a better person. Want to pursue more of Him.

I want what my friend has. I really do. I NEED it.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Is it just me or does it seem like generations are losing the respect of their elders. to an extent I find it odd that Cooper's preschool goes by first names but sticking "Miss" in front of it.

Call me old fashion but I prefer the last name deal. A lot of people don't like being called by their last name. Because they feel like their grandma. I would rather Cooper call someone by their last name. I am also asking his friends to call me, "Mrs. Wishart". Sure it reminds me of my mother in law but she is a great person so I don't mind. But for me there is also an element of pride that I have taken on that last name.

Some teenagers I see now are rude all together. Walking behind them with a stroller they rush through the door and let it close. They don't say thank you or please. Some kids even cross the street like they own the road. Now I am not saying that ALL teenagers or younger kids are rude or disrespectful. I have come across some VERY polite kids in my church and other surroundings. My friends respect my wishes to be called Mrs. Wishart. It is not an easy name for kids to say.

Growing up I would never DREAM of calling someone by their first name, even with the MR. or Mrs. or Miss. in front. However now that is what people want. I have a friend that was adiment I don't use their last name so to respect her I use Mrs ________.

I think personally it is a matter of respect to put the prefix in front of names. I think it is a matter of authority to the child to use last names. I have seen so many disrespectful people. I have also seen people give me the odd eye when I ask Cooper to say "thank you sir" or miss or ma'am. It just seems like it is not an accepted thing now. I got in trouble if I didn't address someone by their last name when I was a kid.

I just almost feel like as each generation comes and grows the respect for authorities and elders seems to get a little less. Yes it is not ALL of the generation as you see some that are very polite. I remember it was a rare thing to NOT be polite when I was growing up. Now it is rare TO be polite. What is happening with our world? We are losing the respect. It makes me sad.

You know, even though I am now 30 I STILL prefer to call those older then me, like parents or grandparents by their last names. One time I called a wonderful lady by her last name and she looked at me in shock then smiled.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I WANT to know more of the bible. I want to be able to put it in to practice and live by it's principles. I want to be able to understand Jesus' love. What Jesus was like. Yet I get overwhelmed. It takes dedication. Dedication that I fear I would fail at.

Sometimes I look at the bible and think "AHHHHH where do I START!" Then I get frustrated and think there is no point because I will never get it all or be able to understand it. I don't know where to start.

Sometimes I feel like Jesus is TOO big and that He just won't ever have the time for me. Sometimes it is like He won't stoop down to love me.

I know that these are all lies. Lies from the enemy. Jesus is love. Jesus will stoop to care for me. I WILL learn the bible. It is just a matter of asking God to help me. To help me to remain dedicated, to understand the word. Asking God for His guidance as to where I need to go in His book. The best book out there. The ONLY important book.

I want to feel His love and understand completely and fully that He does love me. It takes faith and dedication to remember it every moment of the day. It takes faith to believe the bible and His words. I need help to have the faith and to stay strong.

I have been dedicating myself to a Prayer Group on Wednesday's. I just hope and pray that I keep finding people willing to watch Cooper. I am glad I have been invited to join this group. It has taught me a lot. I am silent and watch. I listen. I feel God move. Looking out the window today it was like I could SEE Him on top of the mountain. Watching over all of my hometown. Watching over us as we prayed. Dedicating His time to us.

The day Jesus outstretched those precious arms on the cross was the day He dedicated to love me, to love you. To give His life; sinless, faultless and pure, for ours; sinful, self centered and full of faults. God dedicated Himself to love us even though we don't deserve it. He hurts when we hurt, He laughs when we laugh. He loves us no matter what. THAT is pure dedication to me.

I feel like I owe it to Him to show Him at least a portion of the dedication that He shows to me. How can I dedicate myself? How can I remain true? I just have to ask for His help. I have to believe. I have to not give up. I have to have the faith.

Jesus gave the biggest dedication of all to all of us. Why? Because He loves us. I am told He will never STOP loving us. How cool is that.

Friday, January 29, 2010

From a devotional this morning

"Religion is dangerous. Religion would rather debate about healing than see somebody healed. Religion would rather argue about deliverance than see somebody set free.
.......That's the difference between religion and the love of God. Religion argues. Love acts. Choose love today."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

what a night!

Poor Cooper.

Last night we were at a friends house having dinner. When just out of the blue Cooper started to cry and scream. His hand went to his left ear and he said that it hurt. I was skeptical because it came on so fast. He had NO fever. My friend and I decided to give him some advil and put heat on the ear. About forty five minutes later he was FINE. Running around with the kids and playing. This all started at about 5:30. We dosed him at 6:30-ish.

So he seemed fine and continued to be fine when we got home. Bed time came and he said his ear hurt and was whimpering a bit. There was nothing I could do because the last dose was so recent. Phil was out with the car so no clinic. I told him to try to sleep because it would make it feel better.
So about a quarter to 8 he starts to really cry and scream. I bring him to bed with me to see if he would calm down. He fell asleep but barely. He was whimpering again and crying. Then the screaming started and the cries that his ear really hurt.

Phil got home at 9. By this time no clinics are open so we went to the ER just because he was screaming so loud. We wondered if maybe he put something in it, which was NOT like him, because he still had no fever.
We get to the hospital and his O2 stats were 90 then they went up to 95% so the nurse seemed happy that it went up. His pulse was good and in the hundreds. He was still screaming in pain though.

We get in to see the doc. I lay back half reclined on the bed and Cooper FINALLY falls asleep. Still whimpering in his sleep. Then in comes the doc. I knew it wouldn't go over well. He said that he wanted to look in his ear. So I held Cooper's head and body and the doctor just touched his ear lobe. Cooper woke up screaming bloody murder. Phil had to help me hold him down just so the doc could look. VERY inflamed and infected he said. The right ear was totally fine.

Because Cooper was in so much pain he gave my baby tylenol with codeine. That was his first time EVER with something more then just tylenol or motrin. He ended up conking out though.

I am not sure but he was either having wicked dreams or hallucinating. He slept with me because I am allergic to penicillin and codeine and morphine I was concerned about him with the codeine and amoxicillin. Three am he woke up screaming again and thankfully the hospital gave me a couple more doses of the tylenol with codeine. I gave him that and he slept until 8. He woke up saying his ear was fine. Just a little sore. He didn't want to eat though.

Add this on to the fact that I have been lightheaded for a couple days it was all around hard. My house is a disaster but I really can't stand long enough to do anything. I start to feel faint. Last night was hard holding him and rocking him, trying not to lose it on my own end.

He still had no fever and ear aches aren't contagious so off to school he went. He BEGGED to go to school. I feel bad for him because it looks like he has my ear problems. Which only went away AFTER I got my tonsils and adenoids out.

I feel bad for him. The school will call if he starts to complain. He is very pale though but up in spirits. So if you feel so inclined to pray please pray for healing on our household. Poor kiddo.

Monday, January 25, 2010


decisions can be tough to make sometimes.

I am right now in the process of fighting off a rash decision.

Year and a half of trying for another child is bugging me a bit. I have ALL of Cooper's baby clothes, toys, bassinet, high chair etc. I have kept everything. I even moved Cooper out of the crib as a toddler bed in to a big bed. So my SUPER NICE crib is not even being used. I have been thinking about taking it and just doing up a double bed for Cooper.

So there is a part of me that just wants to start selling everything. I mean EVERYTHING. The clothes, the tub, the bassinet, stroller, toys, highchair, cloth diapers etc. I just want to get rid of it all.

The thing is WHAT IF we have another baby. I would like to have all that stuff. But I guess there comes a point where I start to wonder if there is a point. It is the bitterness in my heart I think. There is a part of me that thinks that it is just false hope on my part. I just want to get rid of it all. To not even think or remember it as being in storage because it is just a reminder that I can't seem to have another baby.

Then I start feeling guilty for the way I am thinking. Because there are people out there that don't have kids and want them. Then again in comes the selfish feeling. Where is God in all of this? Where is this Father that I can hope in. I want to talk to Him about it but wonder if He is listening.

ok this is a ramble and the decision is to just get rid of everything. But I know that is a rash choice right now. How do I think through this and get through this? I want it gone but then don't want to admit giving up on the hope.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

A realization

you know, I realize that I am extremely blessed. I have a home and am not worried about where my loved ones are. I am thankful for the health insurance we have here.

We are having issues trying to conceive our second child. We have had three losses and a few months of nothing. My body seems to be going haywire with things. It just doesn't seem to like what is going on.
Yet I am going to try my hardest to be thankful because I know I am blessed. My three and a half year old is a great example of it. Sure he can be a pain but I love him. I realize more and more each day what a blessing and what a gift he is.
God made His presence known to me the day I gave birth to Cooper. Went in to the hospital and it was raining REALLY hard. I push and Cooper came out and in that exact moment the sun came through the smaller windows and flooded the room.

I am so thankful for my life. For a husband that loves me. To have a husband. To have computers, a passion for photography. Learning that God loves me and is the great Father I have ever needed. My earthly fathers are no where near as loving and faithful and gracious or merciful.

For some reason just sitting here today, cleaning my son's room I just realize that I am so blessed. I am free to dance and worship in church. I am free to sing. I am in love with my son and husband. Even MORE in love with Jesus. I am so grateful and blessed. I don't want to change anything in my life. I have been hospitalized due to a breakdown. But I am thankful for that. Because one day I will realize why it happened. I can't get pregnant right now but one day I will see what God's plan is. I hold my son a little tighter. I have people in my life that care. I have doctors that give a crap and sometimes that is a rarity in and of itself! I have a church that helps me out even though we were new to the church. I have a counsellor that puts up with me and cares for me.
I have all I ever need. I need to remember that. I am so blessed and it is a freeing realization.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:5-6)