Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Post Pardum Depression

yep. I have it. Nothing new some of you may be saying.
I have been wondering what the significance of blog writing is lately. No one seems to visit or comment anymore. I remember when everyone used to comment. Now it is facebook or some other sort of new "thing". I miss the blogging. I miss reading blogs and I miss comments.

My doctor diagnosed me with PPD on the seventh. I should have known it was coming. I have been moody, rarely smile, tired, I hate everything about my appearance and really hard on myself. As much as I don't want to, and didn't want to, admit it I have to admit it. It is a reality in my life right now. I have a few friends that have helped me to see that it is ok to be on the meds and it is ok to feel the way I do. That it is normal. I know some people think of PPD as a mother that harms herself or her child. Let me tell you right here and right now that it is NOT true. I had never, and will never, harm Cooper or myself.
I was just a very grumpy and angry person. I am still having difficulties being the Misty I used to be. The one that was so bubbly and happy all the time. I do feel though that the meds are starting to work. Cooper is no longer nursing and that killed me and just added to the crap I was already feeling. I belittled myself even more and knocked myself down even more. I miss the nursing but Cooper and Phil and I need the old me back.
I would put my keys down then like 10 minutes later TOTALLY forget where I put them. Me of all people would forget to take my camera to events. Such as weddings. I never went without my camera! I knew something was up at that point.
I am taking the pills and am slowly getting better. I am not as tired as I once was. I feel like I am coming back. Which is a good thing. Slowly but surely. I am more open to talking about it now and willing to help others. Willing to take that wall down, even just a wee bit, to allow others that are going through the same thing to see that it is ok. I am even thinking about looking into a group of some sort that could help. I have to get better. For Cooper, for Phil, for myself.

So there is a bit of me, if anyone cares. Risking it and putting it out there cause there may be someone else out there that needs to know that they are not alone. Scarey to put yourself out there though!

and just because.......

Friday, July 13, 2007

First bloom

My mom got me a rose bush when Cooper was born. It is a pink one, I think cause pink is my favorite color. I got it planted at my mother in law's cause we are in an apartment and knowing me I would just kill it. So I go over there and it was blooming. On Wednesday it was full bloom and I brought some home. This last year sure has been a blur.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Hillarious way to wake up this morning

Phil goes and gets Cooper in the morning right now to help with the weaning. So from the next room I hear, let's go show Mommy. I am thinking, "oh great, what happened?" So in come's Phil and Cooper. What do I see? A COMPLETELY nude baby! He took his diaper off last night. I didn't get any pictures though[:(]
So I go and check his crib and he must have had it off for a long time. The sheet was SOAKED, the bumper pad was wet on the side right up to the top and the bed skirt was wet too. I can honestly say this is the first time he has peed the bed. LOL. He must have been REALLY hot last night!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I am totally dying inside

I have to stop nursing due to medical reasons that I am not ready to talk about yet. I feel like I am dying inside. That I just can't do it. But I can't push it aside and keep nursing. It has to be done.
I just feel like I am punishing Cooper in a way. I nursed this morning, I am starting by cutting out the bedtime nursing session, and I told him over and over that he did nothing wrong and that I am stopping nursing cause I have to. He totally doesn't understand and I am sure in a month he won't even miss it. But it is so hard cause he doesn't seem to want to stop nursing at this point.
Please pray that he surprises me and chooses to stop. LOL. Or pray that I can get through this and I can see that it will in fact be ok. sigh...
I am totally dying inside. I love nursing. I made it 14.5 months. I wish it could be longer.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

we're home!!

and I am off to unpack and clean
Cooper is happily playing with his toys. I am sneaking the computer and Phil is asleep with his head on Cooper's foam chair. The first thing Cooper went gor was his books. He seems so happy to be home. We still have Phil home for a week!!
Cooper did alright. Nights were tough. Unfamiliar place. He even started nursing in the night again. Sigh...oh well....back to routine. I gave him what he needed when he needed while camping. Including night time cuddles[;)]
He was exploring EVERY where. He LOVED IT!! He is a severe daddy suck right now. We did LOTS of hiking. Picutres will come. Trying to think of the best way to do it cause there may be lots.
We were just tired and done with camping. We just wanted to come home. [:P] BUT it was a great experience. Now off to clean. I wish I could go lay down though. LOL. Why is it when you go camping you come back MORE tired!!