Thursday, January 31, 2008


I have been sick for far too long. At LEAST a month now. I am really starting to get very frustrated and discouraged.
Today is one of those days I wish I could call in sick but Cooper is sick too. I was feeling good for ONE day then started having a coughing fit and then it just never went away. Now I sit here with a slight fever, 99.3*F, pressure in my sinuses and waiting for the daycare boy who also has this cold. I cried cause I just want to go to bed. Cooper doesn't have a fever this morning but he had one for most of the day yesterday. The highest it went was 101.7
I just want to be better. I was told that I may have asthma. So now I have to get an inhaler. I am seeing double today. I don't want the daycare boy but at the same time Cooper and him entertain one another. There is a method behind my madness. The daycare boy has the same cold.
Phil can't be home cause then we loose money. Sigh....had to vent. I am just so frustrated. I feel fat, ugly and sick. When is it gonna end!

Plus there is a lot I can't take due to my medical related allergies. Sigh......

Monday, January 28, 2008

Thursday, January 24, 2008


we were just grocery shopping. Cooper was toting around the green box. This lady was oooing and awing at him. Then we were in the same line up and she said, so when is your next one due?


I am so upset. I am still crying. That hurt. I have NEVER been asked that. She felt super bad. I zipped up my coat and she said, you don't have to button up due to my stupidity. I lied and said we were going outside anyway. I fought real hard not to cry in the store. Then once we were in the car and driving away I cried. In the store I was telling her it was ok and that she was fine. Then cried on the way home. Phil just kept his hand on my knee. I am SO upset. Boycotting food now I swear!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Isaiah 40:31

got this from a friend today
"31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."

thanks for the reminder

Monday, January 07, 2008

I can talk the talk

but I sure as heck can't walk the walk.
well so I think anyway.

I have had someone say to me, a couple actually, that I seem to have the right words and that my faith is so strong. I have had people tell me they were jealous of my ability to have the Faith and to believe like I believe.
Yeah sure, I have the faith and I do believe but I really don't think I am walking the walk. I can talk about knowing God and the Godly way to do things but lately walking that way is actually proving difficult and is showing me at a stand still.
I do believe in my heart. I do trust in my heart so why do I feel so lonely. Why do I feel like I don't. Like I just don't get it. I don't feel that joy and that happiness I used to feel.

The sermon on Sunday was about emmersing ourselves in God and His work. I can't repeat it word for word cause I suck at that. What I can tell you is that I had TWO anxiety attacks and the strong urge to get up and run. The head singer was praying and was very vulnerable about God being the only one for us. The only answer out of the situations we were in. I felt very uncomfortable. I don't know if it was cause of her vulnerability or if it was my lack of vulnerability. But I do know that I looked for ways out. Looked for a way to run.
Years ago when I got these anxiety attacks I felt like I had more support. I had someone to pray over me and stand with me and take the attack away. Make the battle less. That person is not there anymore. That breaks me heart. I know I have friends that support me and pray for me. It just doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am longing for that person back in my life or if I need that strength that they showed. I don't have that relationship I thought I once had.
The panic took over me. The legs started to bounce and my arms went and crossed across my chest. That way I was in my own world. No one could get in. If I kept my arms crossed I didn't have to talk to people or get up and great. I did not get up and great. The weakness I felt and the battle that was ripping at me was too strong. Then there was the battle to not allow myself to cry. Cause emotion is weakness. I learned today that emotion in fact is very healthy and does not mean that I am weak. Yep, I can talk the talk with that one too. But I can't walk the walk. I still don't show the emotion. I tell others it is ok to cry but I can't do it. It is different. MISTY can't cry, can't feel, can't be human. I have to be strong.
I don't get how I show my faith. Or how people feel like I have a strong trust cause I don't feel it. I feel very alone and disconnected from God. I have been not allowing people in. I haven't been reaching out. I have not had made the time to get to know other mothers, other people or to make friendship. I just kind of run out of church.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I asked for prayer yet again and got some response but I still feel like my prayer requests and my life are minimal compared to everyone else's.
So what is the talk people are seeing? What is this faith that people see. Cause I can't see it. I can't feel God. I can't see God. I struggle with wanting to get back to Him but at the same time not knowing how to. So I am not walking. I am standing still. Stuck in place once again. Or should I say as usual.
My mind and my heart don't know where to go. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, I believe in Heaven but at the same time I am scared that I won't get a place in Heaven. I am scared I don't know enough or that God may not believe me and there is no place for me. I want His love. I want to feel Him. I want to see Him. I want to learn more about Him. Yet here I stand....unable to walk