Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A compliment

Today I was talking to one of the girls at work. She ended up telling me that she was a Christian and that she doesn't go to church anymore. I asked her why and she told me, in not so few words, that she just ended up drifting away. Not to mention that her boyfriend and none of her friends are Christians.
After talking a little more I told her that I didn't think that she was a Christian. I said I think that most people here know that I am. She said that it was obvious. I don't swear like everyone else or get into the rude jokes or talk about my weekends consisting of being drunk. She thought it was fairly obvious.
Now, to me that was a compliment. To know that I am doing something right around there and standing my ground and remaining true to who I am in Christ and that it shows. Does that mean that I am being Christ like? I hope so but does it ever feel good to know that it shows.

On another note:
You know how you are always told to be honest and Christ like? Well the other day I was. I accidentally hit a parked van. No one was in it and I could have easily drove off. But I didn't. I left my name and number explaining what I did. No phone call or anything so I hoped it was over. Not so. Got a letter in the mail today about someone phoning and making a claim. Darn!! I just need to keep the faith that God will deal with it and that it will work out. Last thing I need is to pay big bucks with the baby on the way and all. Oh well, should have paid more attention.
I did the "right" thing. Sure I wanted to drive away but I didn't. Well, at least I know that I did what Jesus would have done. At least that is what I think. (I may be wrong, have been before on my thinking!!)
Oh well........

So amazing

So, now I am 8 weeks. Some day I will be able to stop talking about me and the pregnancy so much. But it is so amazing.
My little one is growing!! This week the inner and outer ears form. So that means that soon the baby will actually be able to hear the stories that I read to it and learn my voice. How fun is that!! My doctor told me that I can't really be showing yet cause I am so new. And it is the first baby. I just said, Oh ok. But you ask anyone that sees me and you can totally see a little belly coming. I love it. One day it will just pop out too.
God sure is amazing. How he can create this little miracle puts me beside myself. The awesome thing to know is that even though Daddy and I are looking at names God already knows the name the little one will have. He already knows the name before it even takes it's first breath. So COOL!! I am in awe.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I swear it is starting!!!

I know, I am only seven and a half weeks but I swear it is starting! Had to put away a pair of jeans last night. Too tight now. It just seems so sur-real. Can it really be happening this soon? The ones I am wearing now have some stretch in them so we will see how these ones do.
Could it really be????

Monday, August 29, 2005


It is now August and today I found myself reflecting on some moments that had happened this year. I got a weekly verse this morning. It read, "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you." Dt. 31:8
I remembered reading this somewhere before and looking back in my book of verses and promises I saw it. Right there, read for the first time in February. During a moment in my life that I felt I was so alone and that no one cared. It made sense. It started to sink in. Today it seems to ring even more truth in it.
So I reflected on what has happened so far this year. The anger that I felt. The disappointment and the loneliness. Afraid of bearing my soul. Losing who I am and losing the ability to reach to God. Then finding it and feeling like I could fly. Dealing with hurts that I have had since a child that I thought I had succeeded at locking so deep within my heart that it would never come up again. Only to have God to open those doors again. To push, sometimes ever so gently, on the ones that I tried to nail shut over the years. Thinking that it was all done and over with. Only to have Him tell me to trust Him and we started working on it together and are still working. Some days are better then others.
The moments and the tears that have brought me to this point in my life. The embraces, the love and the prayers that helped me to believe that I was loved. Of course at that particular moment in time I didn't feel it but it happened. I have an awesome husband that stood by me every step. Had friends and gained friends that helped along the way as well.
Reflecting back on these last few months has made me feel both sad and happy. Sad that it took a turn of events like I went through for me to believe and for my eyes to be opened. I look at my life today. A baby on the way. A husband that bends over backwards for me and friends that hold me close just to cry. Sitting here just thinking of these moments makes me tear up. Makes my heart beat a little harder. I have had many ups and downs like most people and sometimes it consisted of more downs then ups. During the up moments I felt so free. Learned to hate the down moments and do something about them. Finding God and wanting to stand on the top of the tallest mountain and just yell it out to the world.
So reflecting on this time it goes to show me that God really does have plans for me and has put me on this earth for a reason. A reason I may never know but His reasoning all the same.
I am sure that for the rest of my life I will remember all the journeys that I have been on but this particular one at this point in time seems to just bring me to my knees in utter amazement over God. That He never gave up on me when I gave up on myself. That He sent people into my life to hold me and to love me when I thought that I didn't need it. But He knew. The battles continue, they always will but just remembering the path that I have been on gives me hope and faith that I can get through anything. Any of us can.
Thank God.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

This should be interesting

Daddy is reading the baby names book. Took it from me.
I have total faith in him but still found it interesting.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Feeling like I failed

So today I missed work. Too sick and nauseous. My heart was telling me to go to the doctors because it has been getting progressively worse rather then better. Yet I still fought with myself as to wether or not it was my head (whiplash) or my baby that caused the gut wrenching inability to eat.
So I went to the doctor. After my husband and friends convinced me in not so few words to go. So there I stood with the perscription in my trembling hands worried. What if it harms the baby? It has been around for 15 years and proven safe. Many women use it during their pregnancy. After the worry came the doubt. I thought that I had failed. By taking the perscription I not only have failed myself but my husband and the baby too. Mommy can't do it without help from another source.
God told me through some dear friends and an awesome husband that I had not failed. That it is ok to need the pills and there is nothing wrong with it. He is trying to reach through to my head right now to let me believe that it is ok but my stubborness is too strong. I need to let that stubborn nature go as I try to let my heart believe God's words.
I believe but help me with my un-belief.
So here I sit with the pills and a glass of water in front of me. Hesitating to take them knowing full well that they may help. Hearing God and the ones I love tell me that it is ok. So much easier to listen to the little, not so quiet voice, that is telling me "you take those then you have failed".

I am not writing to get sympathy, far from it. I am writing to tell of my pathetic little struggle that I am dealing with as of now.
As they sit in front of me my stomach lurches and I worry about the little one. Perfectly safe for the baby but what about the way that I feel taking them? It's not like I am the only woman to be pregnant and to get "morning sickness" (that lasts all bloody day!!!). So why worry. Other women take it.
I guess just worrying about doing something wrong so that my child doesn't grow strong and healthy will always be on the forefront of my mind. My throat tightens as I stare down at them. Chocking down the pills with tears in my eyes I hope and pray that I am doing what is right for me and the baby. Too late now. It is done. Why don't I feel right about it?

Twinkle, Twinkle little star......

So last night I was lulled to sleep by a child. One of the neighbor's kids was singing
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little star.....
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little star.....
How I wonder what you arrrreeeeeeeee......."

It was so cute. I could picture the little face pressed up against the window screen peering out at the stars.
It is moments like that I need to remember when I am feeling like I am today. Like crap. Can barely move and feel REALLY sick. Staying home today. I know, I am a wimp but it will be all good and I know that it is totally worth it.
Makes me think about my little star growing in me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Is it possible??

To connect my recent fits of sneezing with the baby?
My body is getting rid of the bad stuff and only giving the good to the baby? Just curious. I have been sneezing A LOT lately. Especially in the mornings.
Must be something to do with me and not the baby. Still makes me wonder though.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

God's Special Gift

So yeah..... Like some of you have figured out we are expecting our first baby.
I am almost seven weeks now and am very excited. Scared too.
I am SO tired all the time and lately I have felt a bit sick. But on the weekend my neck was cracked real bad and I haven't quite figured out if the headaches and the sickness is from that. It could be.
It is funny how my thought pattern (what is left of it) is changing. I now have to think about the baby that is growing inside of me.
We had decided to finally try for a family and I guess God agreed with our thoughts. Now I pray for a healthy baby. Worried about that too. It is so special. I love it already and some days I don't even "feel" pregnant. It is developing into a little person more and more each day. How precious a gift. I feel so special to be on the receiving end (I guess you'd call it that) of God's wonderful creation.
So.... Another journey begins and I get to document this one. How fun!!!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Church in the Park

Once again God blessed us with a beautiful day of worship in the park. I love being at the park. To me there is no greater reminder of His beauty and wonder then sitting or standing in the park singing and worshiping Him. So cool.

A friend of mine and I were talking about stuff. When he grew a little bit of a worried look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that the music was too loud and that he bets we won't even be aloud back next year. Sad thought, I know, but the truth.

They can have weddings in the park and parties but when it comes to Sunday morning worshiping with songs and praise to God, people get scared and they complain. Yapping little dogs barking their heads off but yet the music will be too loud and thus would be the complaint.
It is sad really if you think about it. Are people so intimidated by someone greater then them that they fight to push Him away. Are they afraid to admit that someone else is in control of their lives then them? Heck, it's not even BC or AD anymore. It is BCE and ACE. Have to be politically correct you know. But what about our rights as Christians?
It is true. People hate us and fear us. It is true when Jesus says: "all men will hate you because of me....." Mt 10:22. I never fully understood that until the last few months. People fear Jesus and hate Him because they don't understand His glory. They hate because that is the feeling that makes sense to them. (this is all my own opinions and what I see). But this verse goes on... "but he who stands firm to the end will be saved."
How cool is that?
Then there is another verse that says, "there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed or hidden that will not be made known." Mt 10:26. So to me that shows that one day not matter how hard people try to hide it, the truth will come. He will come.

Yeah it makes sense that people are going to complain about the music. It scares them. But we are ready for that and we still stand firm in Christ. As a Christian I enjoy knowing that Jesus is my Saviour and that He is always there for me. I just find it interesting how so many people push Him away. Really makes me want to help some people. Really makes me want to spread his love more fiercely then ever before. So I guess in a way it doesn't work to try to hide it. We will fight harder.
You know with work I feel like I am not well liked. I feel like there are people who just are bothered by me. You know what, that is ok. Cause people will hate me. Because I love Christ. But I will never stop loving or believing. NEVER.

Like I said, I love church in the park. Nothing makes me feel so close to God then being out there. Surrounded totally by His beauty. I just wish that everyone could see what I see.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Always worrying.....

I don't know about any one else but I am my worst critic. I will be the first to run myself down and judge myself so that when someone else does it it won't hurt as bad. I have already done the damage so what will be said can't hurt as bad. What a way to go about things hey?
At work I mess up. Quite a bit. I hate it and I am the toughest on myself. I worry about what they are going to say when I get back to the shop. The looks that they are going to give me. The whispers I will hear. I work myself up thinking about it and trying to prepare for the worst. I always worry about how I look to others and how I act. Would so and so approve? I worry about what work might say and then they don't even say anything or they say something that is completely different. I worry about getting fired for messing up. Worry, worry, worry. Always worried about what others may think. Worried about what their opinions are going to be.
I judge myself to the point where I run myself down and that isn't good. When you are so used to being ran down since you were little it comes so easily. It is darn hard to work that message the other way.
I will admit that I am so no where near perfect. I have caught myself judging others. Now I actually stop and tell myself that it is not my place to do so. That I have no right.

At my work everyone swears even the bosses. It drives me nuts. That is a habit I stopped years ago and it was hard. Now I find that I slip at home. Not good. I was talking to another girl and she agrees that she doesn't like the swearing but yet she gets right in there and does so. I wonder why.
I notice that what others may think of me worries me. One of the guys swore flat out and I was like "whoa" kinda joking around but in my heart knowing that I was bothered by it and taking a timid step forward. The girl that trained me leaned over to him and told him that I don't like swearing. Then I instantly thought, oh boy what is he going to think of me now?
I am tired of worrying. The only opinion that I need to stop and listen to is Jesus'. That is the only one that matters and that is the one that I should be living by. I should be living Christ like but I cower. I get intimidated and intimidation is a nasty little thing. I need to just worry about what God wants of me and how to be more Christ like and not worry about how someone else is going to react. When they don't.

I was listening to praise yesterday and something struck me hard. Still thinking about it. For some reason I think it pertains here to me. Not sure if anyone else would get this or not and I don't know if it is the right context for sure. It is in Mark. 9:24. "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, ' I do believe; help me overcome my disbelief.' "
I do believe that the only opinion that matters and the only one that can judge is God. Yet worrying about it shows that there is an unbelief there.

"Lord help me to believe that only your opinion and your will for me is what is important. Help me to overcome my disbelief and stop worrying about what someone will say or do cause in the long run the only thing that matters is you."

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Some things just drive me NUTS!!

Ok. Here I go. Somewhere in the back of the apartment building behind us there is a annoying dog. Yaps his or her head off. Kinda sounds like a squeaky swing or something. Just sits there whining (kinda like what I am doing).
How don't the owners hear that and tell it to SHUT UP!! Yeah I am being mean. Sorry. I like dogs, really I do. But when you hear this day in and day out it is annoying. Going to bed it does it. Waking up, or at least trying to, it does it. SOmetimes it is still going throughout the night and it still wakes me.
I know, I know you are probably thinking shut the window. Tried but the thing has such a high pitch sound that it pierces right through. AHHHHH!!!!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The hold of fear.

Why is it that fear can hold you so tight. Can play in your head until you let it control your thoughts to the point where you can barely sleep. Restless nights caused by fear.
Some of you may remember my "exciting" trip to the hospital this past March. It was diagnosed as "cluster migraines" and it went away eventually. But the fear was there.
Aneurysms run in my family. Lost many relatives to it. So I tend to get a little creeped out when I get a localized headache. The doctor that I saw in the emergency room realized my fear and thought it genuine. He had the same thoughts. So the testing began and we all know how fun that is. Hooked to machines. Punched full of holes. Something I really don't want to go through again.
Phil doesn't take it lightly when I tell him about it sometimes. It is something he takes seriously. When it happened last I went to bed with a headache and woke up barely able to move. So last night when I had this really bad headache I was scared. I shared my fear with Phil and he told me that it was nothing and that I will be ok. At first I jumped down the poor guys throat. I told him that it was a very real fear for me and that I needed him to know. He apologized and told me that he knows it is, he just didn't want the fear to take over me. He was right.
I let it take over. Hard to sleep. Tossed and turned scared that I may not wake up.
My dads was on his left side behind his temple. This morning I feel fine. Just a dull ache above my left eye. Feels muscular though. So the thought went through my head but instead I am going to reach to God.
Reflecting on last night's events this morning I realize that Phil was trying to help me. In the long run he did. It makes me think though too that God was coming through Phil and telling me that I would be fine and that it is only a headache. Not to worry. But for the life of me last night I did not see that. I saw the fear. The utter fear.
The fear took over and I let it. The hold was so tight on my heart (and head) that I wouldn't let it go. Time to stop fearing every time I get a headache or I will just drive myself nuts!!
Terrible how much fear can just grab hold of you and hold so tight until it is all you think of.

How true is this....

The will of God is never exactly what you expect it to be. It may seem to be much worse, but in the end it's going to be a lot better and a lot bigger.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Our trip on the Ocean

Today we went out in the boat up the ocean to Indian Arm. It was beautiful. Saw seals, otters, bald Eagles and our Canadian Military ship. Went under the Second Narrows and Lions Gate bridges. I have a few photos up under "My Fotos". Check them out.
It was a beautiful day.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I can only imagine

Everytime I hear this song tears come to my eyes. Everytime. Never fails. I love this song.

I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, yeah, yeah, yeah

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, yeah

I can only imagine, yeah, yeah
I can only imagine, Yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine, Ohh yeah
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when all I will do
is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine

Friday, August 12, 2005

Small prayer request

A girl at work was in an accident today. It looks like the truck she was driving was a right off. I don't know exactly how she is but there was no blood and she didn't lose consciousness. She was alert at the scene too.
I drove past there later and I am sure that God was watching over her. The telephone pole she hit is what saved her from going fully over the twenty foot drop. I am sure of it.
I am not sure as to whether or not she is a Christian or believes in God but that is not what it is about. I still would like to ask for prayer for her.
Her name is Candace can I please get some support in praying for her.

Something I sure could use to remember

We have to pray with our eyes on God, not on the difficulties.

-Oswald Chambers

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I have learned...

In the past few months I have been on an amazing journey. With many ups and downs. Many lows, sometimes more than anything else, but also many highs. I have been on the top of a mountain and I have been in the depths of despair. I have learned some things though. I feel like I get told these over and over again sometimes and sometimes it slips my mind. But in the depth of my soul I know that it is true.

1. Jesus Loves you
2. Your sins have been forgiven
3. God is 100% pleased with you
4. Jesus will not leave you alone
5. You are strong in the lord, when you are weak He is strong
6. Satan and evil really thrive to push us under. But with God on our side we can fight and be victorious.
7. You are never alone
8. You are loved.

Months ago when I was told these I would scof at them. Think yeah whatever. But today at this very moment they make me smile.
There is more but these are the ones that are jumping to the forefront of my mind right now. I find that it is so easy to forget or push aside these truths. The closer we become one with God the harder Satan fights. He is losing the battle for another soul and it is almost like you can watch him squirm.
Sure, I know there will be days that I will feel like none of this is true. There are days when I will feel like I am all alone. Then I just need to work on praying and turning to God.
There is nothing wrong with bad days. There is nothing wrong with failing in your own eyes. Cause even though you may fail in your own eyes in God's you may have succeded the way He wanted you to.
Reaching for Him in your moments of despair can be hard and that is why He puts others into our lives to do it for us. When we can't speak someone can for us. Humans let one another down. It is inevitable. The only one who won't let us down is Jesus. Is our Savior.
How cool is that?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


I went from blogging at least once a day, sometimes more, to barely anything. Sometimes I start to wonder why. What can I talk to people about? My life really isn't all that interesting.
When I am going through tough times I can sit here and write forever. Yet during the good times I just want to let it all sink in.
Honestly, I have been struggling lately. Just some spiritual battles that seem to be showing their face in my life. It is alright though. I have been learning to cope. I have been learning how to handle myself better.
My job makes me angry; the way there is so much swearing and talking behind others backs. I am not stupid, I know they are talking about me. I guess we never really grow up do we? Well, some of us at least.

So on Sunday was Payton's birthday party. It was fun. I got there and saw the kids playing in the pool. So, what did I do? Put on my bathing suit and got right in there with them. It was so fun. Some of the babies liked the water and some of them didn't.
The older boys played with a box. Payton got a pretty cool wagon from her grandparents and the box that it came in became somewhat of a game. I don't know who came up with the idea but all of a sudden the older boys were inside the box rolling down the hill. When they were done with that they put it at the bottom of the slide and all took turns sliding into it. Ah... Boys will be boys.
It was a really fun party.

So, I am just babbling here so I think it is time for me to go. Wish I had something more insightful or interesting to write about but right now I feel content with my life and what is happening. Yes I stress out and I worry about stupid things still but that is who I am. Working on reaching to God and just giving it over to Him. Sometimes I feel it work and others not so much. It will come. It will come.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Stranger Danger

As children that is one of the first lessons we are taught. Don't talk to any strangers and be very cautious of them. Some of them are dangerous. So we listen to what we are taught. Then it even leads over into our adult life. I thank God that Jesus was willing to talk to some of these strangers that we instinctively turn our backs on.

Today on my way back home from Mission to Abbotsford we were on the Horne street on ramp that takes you up to the bridge. The traffic was backed up and my friend and I were wondering why. As we approached we saw an older man wandering in the middle of the street. Out in the hot sun. No shoes. A limp. Long sleeved shirt and pants. Sweating.

My societal instinct told me to keep going but an overwhelming urge of feeling for this man over took me. Just behind him was someone following to make sure he didn't get hit by any cars. She had her blinkers on. So, I called 911 and followed as well. I felt compelled to pray. So I asked my passenger if it was alright. I was told of course it was. We prayed. We felt for him. We said amen. Followed him a little more and then he stopped. Looked ahead and turned and sat down. Now that was God!! If he would have kept going he would have definitely been onto the bridge. God stopped him and turned him around.

Nothing about the man looked threatening. I asked if I should go over to him and was told that it is up to me. I felt that I needed to. I reached into the back seat of my car and grabbed the bottle of unopened water that I was saving for work. It was slightly warm, but I was going to offer it anyway. What Would Jesus Do right?

So as I pulled over my car and got out I hesitantly looked at him. Stranger danger I thought. But then I thought, it is ok. God wants me to do this. So slowly I walked over to him and asked him if he would like some water. He did. I gave him the bottle and he kept thanking me. I sat next to him and talked. Got him up and over the barrier into the little amount of shade that was cast by the lamp post. I sat with him while we waited for the ambulance. The other lady that pulled over waited too.

I asked his name and asked him if I could pray for him. He told me his name and told me I could pray for him. I asked for help to pray from someone with a wonderful gift of the ability to pray fiercely. Now I am asking you. I am not going to give his name. Just asking that we pray for the man that seemed so lost. That seemed so lonely.

I am not telling this to look for a pat on the back. Far from it. I am telling this because I feel like I need to. Debating on posting it is running through my head.

I really got to thinking that Jesus took the chance on all those other strangers and it made all the difference. I took a chance to be nice to a stranger and show God's love just by being there. He may never remember it but it will be something that I will never forget.

Thank you God for opening the eyes of my heart. Thank You for helping that man today and for stopping him. Thank You Lord for Your ever faithful presence. I lift him to You and ask You to heal whatever may be troubling him. In Your name. Amen.