Okay, Okay, I get it

I Think....

Sometimes God just isn't very subtle - is He??

I have been getting verses thrown at me, books thrown at me and sermons that are like my pastors are right inside my head. Then the emails too.
First I get the verses. Psalm 139. Jeremiah29:11. Then I get 2Corinthians thrown at me. Then the sermons. The thorns. Yep - You have my attention Lord. What now?

It's not just once that I get these things either. I first got Psalm 139 on the 26th of this month. Then I keep getting messages and thoughts to go back to it. I think that I have been back to that Psalm at least four or five times since that day, which was only two days ago!!! Then Jeremiah. Been back there at least twice since yesterday. Then the sermons. The ones that make you want to get up and run. Then your best friend tells you that you aren't going anywhere. So you think that you are forced to sit and listen but you realize that God is talking through the sermon and this is what you need to hear and that you need to stay there. Then not to forget 2Corinthians. That whole book was speaking to me as well. The emails - some days you get ones that perk you up. You get the verse you need through emails. You get told that you are loved, you are special and that God is doing His work through you. You get those at the times when you doubt and God tells you that this is why you are here and people care about you and think about you. That's reassuring in itself.
A friend of mine told me that I can run, but I can't hide. I responded with try me. She didn't know but God knew. That is just what He is doing. He's trying me and He is not the only one either. I gave a challenge from my heart and although I didn't tell anyone right away it was too late. God already heard it.
It feels like God is tugging me by the ear saying, "Come on. I will show you that I am here and that I am supporting you. No matter where you run." It is almost like a smack upside the head. Smarten up!! Everyone needs one of those once in a while, spiritually of course. They aren't smacks as much as they seem to be wake up calls. God tells me, " I am here. I see all and hear all your thoughts. Try you? Then I will and you will wake up and realize that you can't hide from Me".
Okay, Okay, I get it. I am listening.

Comfort Zones

I like comfort zones. They make me feel just that, comfort. They are mine and no one can take them away.
Until....
Yep. I stepped out of my comfort zone today. Not once, but twice.
First of all I got up in front of my church and read a poem that I had written. My own stuff, being thrown into the crowd for others to hear. Then at the sandwich giveaway I said the prayer before leaving to do our route. I don't know how to pray or how to start.
I did my best in both situations.
I was vulnerable.
I liked my comfort zones but at the same time it felt good to be reaching beyond them and into others lives. Is God trying to tell me something here?? Is He wanting me to reach out of those comfort zones that I have relied on all my life, so that I can prove to myself that I can trust God? Is this His way of telling me that I am okay and that He is my comfort? Not the artificial ones that I have created over my life.
I took two very big steps today that freaked the crap out of me. However, I don't regret it.
Bring it on...

Cookies...

Never bake when you have other things on your mind.
I've had Costa Rica on my mind, and I keep thinking about how I wish it was feasable. Timer went off for the cookies and I put on one oven mit. Reached in to grab the tray, the tray slipped and stupid me - I grabbed it with my left hand that didn't have the mit. Needless to say I went straight for the cold water. After pulling the cookies out of course. Didn't want them to burn!!

I've Found Jesus - Delirious?

Well I hear they're singing in the streets that
Jesus is alive
And all creation shouts aloud that
Jesus is alive
Now surely we can all be changed 'cos
Jesus is alive
And everybody here can know that
Jesus is alive

And I will live for all my days
To raise a banner of truth and light
To sing about my saviours love
And the best thing that happened
It was the day I met you

I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus

Well I feel like dancing in the street 'cos
Jesus is alive
To join with all who celebrate that
Jesus is alive
Well the joy of God is in this town 'cos
Jesus is alive
For everybody's seen the truth that
Jesus is alive

And I will live for all my days
To raise a banner of truth and light
To sing about my saviours love
And the best thing that happened
It was the day I met you

I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus
I've found Jesus

Well you lifted me from where I was
Set my feet upon a rock
Humbled that you even knew about me
Now I have chosen to believe
Believing that you've chosen me
I was lost but now I've found...

This one song in particular jumped out at me. I've found Jesus and it makes me want to dance and shout for Joy. I didn't realize that it would make that much of an impact on my life. I will never turn back!!

I thought I would Never..

This morning I caught myself doing something I thought I would never do.
I wrote in my bible. It may not seem big to some of you but when you grow up being told not to write in books it's a habit to not do so.
Today I read some things where I ended up putting the date on them. Kinda makes me feel like I was being a rebel.... lol
time for detention??
yep - that's about my extent to being a rebel.

So Close...Yet Again.

Darn it!! You ever feel like you are so close, you can taste it - only to have it torn away? Yeah - sucks.
I had a second interview today and I had lots of prayers going out for me. I just got the phone call that I didn't get it. They are going to try someone else, and if they don't work out then they would give me a call. I asked them to keep my resume on file and they said that they may have a spot opening in a month or so. I thanked them for the opportunity and for meeting with me. So that's it.
Funny thing though. I gave it over to God and I told Him that if it is His will then to "let" me get this job. I guess it wasn't His will. I'm not mad at God, or at myself. I am not mad at anyone for that matter. God will put me somewhere that is just right for me when the timing is right. So maybe the timing isn't right yet. I still need to figure some things out, I guess. No matter how deep I try to bury them. I think that I am kinda sitting here in shock. I am sure that I will be upset, who wouldn't? Then at the same time I do realize that this seems to not be something God had in store for me. I just wish that I knew what His plans were. I guess it wouldn't be a very interesting life though if I knew exactly what He wanted. Then we would just be coasting along, maybe not even getting to know God as much as we would.
I know that if it wasn't for the events that have unfolded over the last few months, I truly believe that I wouldn't know God as much as I do today.
So, it wasn't in His book for me, not yet. I guess it is time to just sit back and wait to see what He is going to do next...

Isn't it funny...

Funny how when you decide to run away and not talk to anyone God forces you to see what He is doing in your life.
I got emails that lifted me up. I was told that I was an answer to someone's prayers. Wow. Never thought that I would here that one. I got a phone call for a 2nd interview. I have used the words "I love you" a lot more lately.
I still will hide my feelings about something but if I do, how can I help those that are struggling with the same thoughts and feelings? How can I be honest when all I want to do is hide. Still running from this specific truth. It feels like it is getting hard though, but I keep hiding.
Funny how sometimes it feels like God is saying - "smarten up!!!!"
He knows that deep down I should be talking, but yet again I try to take over.

Run Away

It's ok to cry. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's ok to feel weak.
Those are three things that I have learned to do.
I decided that I don't like them anymore.
I don't want to cry, be vulnerable or weak. So, here goes the mask. Back on. As much as I thought I was doing good...
Today I want to put it back on and no longer talk about anything bothering me. I can talk to God. But why anyone else? Don't like it anymore. Funny how you can go back to hiding so easily.
So all my steps forward to uncover myself and let people see who I am in all my weakness is going out the window.
Time to use the security again....
Darn it....

Taking a risk

I am going to take a risk here and share with all of you a poem that I just wrote.
(bear with me........)

Handing it Over

i pray out to you oh Lord
and i ask you to take it all
into your own hands.
i am handing it over to you
Lord and i will trust you
with any outcome.
as i pray it to you Lord
i believe it deep down in my heart.
i feel a sense of calmness
that wraps its arms around me.
knowing that you already have the
next step in mind gives me peace.
i will trust in you, oh Lord
that i am safe in your arms
and if it should not go
the exact way i want it to
i will be okay.
only you know what is in
store for me next, so here
i am Lord, handing it over to you.
into the arms that i know
will protect and carry me.
bringing you even deeper into my heart.

Interview

Today I had an interview for a secretary position. I will know Friday whether or not I get short-listed and then re-interviewed.
I was nervous.
I found myself doing something I had done before, but never truly believed it within my heart. This time I believed.

Before going to the interview I prayed,
"God I give this all over to you because I know that if it is your will it will happen. Please give me the strength to be the woman that you love and be myself so they can see what You see. I trust you Lord and I am giving it all over to You."
Like I said, I have prayed along these lines before but never believed it. I would say amen and then still worry about what the outcome would be. Today I found myself going into that office with my head held high, knowing that only God knows what will happen and if it is His will I will get the job. If I don't then He has something better in His plans for me. I realized, I am receiving prayer for this, I have prayed for it so there really is no sense worrying about it - right? Little Miss Worry Wart was thrown aside and I let God take it. Something like a calm came across me and I knew that it was in good hands and there truly was no point being scared. I could be scared but I needed to trust God.
I came home and wanted to crawl into bed. Not because the interview went poorly, I thought it went well, but because I am so used to hiding, but I told myself 'no' and will not go back into that room where the nice, comfy bed is calling me....
I can sit here and worry and worry to the point where I make myself sick and want to crawl away and hide. Why though? Tomorrow will still come, today will still continue. I can't change what God has given me and what He has in store for me - right?
It's not the end of the world if I don't get the job because I have other things that will help me out in the long run lined up. It would just be a pleasant beginning.
I always wanted out of my old job and I was angry that I wasn't getting anywhere. I blamed God. Now I am on EI and am working things out. I guess He answered me, just not the way I wanted. I don't blame Him anymore. I love Him more everyday. I am learning what it is like to be His. It feels so awesome.
I gave it over to God today and I feel a sense of calm. Sure the worry is there but I am not alone. He keeps His arms wrapped around me so tight that I know I am in a safe place.
I will continue to pray that this job is what God wants of me and if it is His will I will get it. That is the best thing to do right? The power of prayer is unbeatable. Never give up.
A couple of verses are seeming to speak to me here:

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares about you." 1Pet. 5:7

"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isa. 40:31

"therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Mt. 6:34

So. I hope in the Lord and put all my anxiety and fears into His hands. I don't want to worry and I trust you oh, Lord. It is in your hands Lord and there is nothing I can do except speak with you because you hear me. Lord take me into your arms and come completely into my heart. I give this all over to you.

Street Church

So I have been procrastinating on doing a post. I don't know why, just have.

Sunday was my first time at street church. I want to keep going as well. It was awesome. I met a lot of people. Didn't know their stories but at that time I didn't care. I just tried to treat them how I wanted to be treated. I don't dance. If you know the scared me, you know that I know that I can't dance and I can be stubborn and not want to dance. For some reason that went out the window. Susy and Tysey started it. So I thought, what the heck, and got up. Yeah I was nervous knowing that people were watching us, but I ended up having fun. I was smiling so much that my cheeks were hurting. I haven't smiled or had that much fun in a long time. They were true smiles. I think that I ended up dancing the whole night too. That is something I don't do. For one night my fears and problems all disappeared and I was who I used to be. The fun, way too overly bubbly, person.
I looked around and saw a lot of people sitting. So I went and got people up to dance. Shirley, Uncle Herman, and others. It was fun. Shirley had a big smile on her face. Uncle Herman thanked me. It felt good.
Others I just sat with and talked. It was wonderful. It was a community. No matter what your problems were, people were there with smiles on their faces having fun.
I got to get to know James and Neil as well. They were a lot of fun too.
I want to go again. I will go again. What an awesome thing to be apart of.

Discounting Christ?

Okay I think now I have seen everything. I am reading "The complete idiot's guide to the bible". They must have an "idiot's" book for everything...
I came across something rather interesting.

How many of us out there know what b.c. and a.d. means? Well take all that knowledge and throw it out the window. If you are like me, you knew that b.c. meant before Christ and, that a.d. means anno domini, year of our lord. (although I always referred to it as meaning after death).
Did you know that "they" have changed that? They no longer use b.c. instead they are now using B.C.E. which means before common era and instead of a.d. they are using C.E. which is standing to mean common era.

I am getting somewhere here (I think)....

What I am mainly trying to get at is what is our world coming to? Are we so afraid of the truth that we have to change what had been common ground for centuries, just so we are "politically correct"? We can't even say merry Christmas anymore because it may offend other religions and those that don't believe. Easter holiday... it's still Easter, as far as I know, but it is not celebrating Jesus' death and resurrection, it is celebrating the bunny and the chocolate. (Nothing wrong with celebrating chocolate).
It is becoming a common thing to try to discount the birth of Christ. Why? Fear? I feel that it is a fear that people posses of God because they don't understand and rather than learning the truth, it is dismissed. So let's push it out of our lives and hide the fact. People may say that they don't believe in Jesus or God but yet they believe in Hell. How can you believe in one and not the other? Are they afraid to admit that someone else is actually in control of their lives other than themselves? Little do people realize. No matter how much people may not believe in Christ and discount the fact that Jesus was sent to earth for us, they still cry out to Him when they are in trouble. They blame God when things go wrong but don't praise Him when things are going wonderful. Fear is a big thing in a lot of lives. I must admit that I do have fear for things as well. But not for who controls my life. I have free will but God has the book and the pen.
"In God We Trust" is on the American bills, but we can't say merry Christmas? Our laws and rules are based on the original ten commandments but we no longer refer to the years as B.C. and A.D. ?

What are they going to think of next? This is obviously an ongoing battle but we know who will truly win. God. If we don't back down and let the rules of being "politically correct" control us then we know how blessed our lives will be.
So God bless all of you. Each and everyone. May He open the eyes of the lost. He will wait patiently and provides us with the knowledge of the truth.

It's just funny how society and governments think that changing a few words to remove any fact that Christ exists and that He was born for us and died for us would remove the truth. You can run and hide, erase anything but the "truth will set you free". There is no hiding the truth, it will always comes out one way or another. I am proud to be a Christian and growing in Christ and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.

Your Story

Did you ever stop to wonder just who is writing your story? Are you the only author of that book? Do you have help? The answer may surprise you.

I am reading a wonderful book by Max Lucado called "Come Thirsty". I will admit that I do not know the full meaning of the book but I am learning. One thing that I got from it is about the author of your book. I hope that I am right here in my interpertation but if not I am sure that someone will correct me.

No matter how hard you try you can't re-write what is going into your book. God knows what fills the pages and what is to come - he wrote it. "God views your life with . . . confidence. He's not only read your story . . . he wrote it." (p.120) The struggles that you go through and the hard times that knock you down - He knows. He put them into your book. He put the good in there too. Max goes on to say that "God uses struggles to toughen our spiritual skin." (p120) Gives you a different perspective on that one. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. God knows what you can handle and He knows that things will work out. He knows what is in store for you.

No matter how long, how tough the journey, He wrote it and He knows that you will be able to handle anything He has put in it. So get ready for the long haul. Have faith that it will all work out.

Kids are Funny

Yesterday Michelle and Payton came over. I got the chance to feed Payton squash. It was sooo funny. Everytime I put the spoon in her mouth and then pulled it out she went "mmmmmm". I held the spoon in front of her and said, "mmmm....." and nothin'. But once that spoon went in there and came back out she let out a very proclaimed "mmmmmmmm......"
It was so funny. Didn't matter where she was looking, once that spoon went in she claimed her opinion on the food of choice. It was in the right context everytime. I couldn't stop laughing.
Where do kids get these things???

What a Good Day....

Today is a good day for me. Yeah!!! The sun is shinning and I have been laughing. Smiling too. I get to mold the young minds of our future this Sunday and I am looking forward to it. Most of all I think that my journey in Christ is amazing. More and more each day I understand His love.
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times that I am so confussed but not today! It is amazing what happens when you step back and tell God "here I am, take me and all of me. Make me yours Lord." It's a daily progress and a long journey but it makes me giddy just thinking that I am loved.
I have bad days too but I find that I am not blaming God. It isn't His fault. We all have free will right? It is just a matter of wether or not we conform to our will or if we wait to hear what Jesus has to say about it. If you don't get an answer I guess that is where the "what would Jesus do" comes in.
It's funny how much more I have opened my ears, my eyes and my heart to Him. I want to have all of Him within my spirit and soul. I yearn to discover who I am and who He made me to be. Each day gets me a little closer to understanding.
What a good day.....

Pastor Susan's Commissioning

I know Scott's blog site has Caroline's picture of Susan's commissioning but Susy's web site also has some great pictures of Susan's big day. Check them out here...
Also don't forget about the really powerful one on Caroline's blog here...
Susan was commisioned on February 13, 2005 (Just in case no one knows....)

The Dentist

Don't you just love going to the dentist? I do!!! hmmmm......
I just got back from a two hour appointment to fix a filling. There is nothing more that I wanted to do with my night than sit in the dentist's chair for those two long hours and then walk out of it not able to feel my face. I'm the one that needs a bib!! They had to put extra freezing. Then I got super dizzy and tired. Talk about fun times! The right side of my jaw is swollen from the freezing and all red from the dam they put in. Not to mention I look like I am missing part of my lip.
Really trying not to talk though. I may bite my tongue and not even feel it. Or my lip. I would feel the reprecutions of that tomorrow morning though. I think my pillow might need a plastic covering tonight ;)
Fun times......

You are not alone

I think that this is kind of a follow up to my last blog, but I have had the urge to write it....

Did you know that you are not alone? That God is always there? There are people who care about you?
It's hard to believe......
When you have something so powerful happen that reminds you that you are not alone in your struggle, it stays in your heart for a while. Sometimes it takes one little evil thought to be placed into your head that makes you doubt what you truly know. The thought plays over and over... "ha ha you are all on your own here, don't bother anyone, they don't want to hear it. You are lost and in the dark. God doesn't care."
How wrong are those thoughts!! Although it is hard to stop them and you struggle you must remember that they aren't true. That's not true!! I find myself struggling to say. I am loved and I am not alone. God WILL NOT turn his back on me. Yeah I am sure that I may make him sad and hurt for me but no matter what I do, He won't turn away. He won't throw His hands in the air and say "forget it, I give up!!!"
I had something very powerful happen to me recently and it made me realize that no matter what there are people who are willing to listen. My problems may seem petty to some but it is weighing me down and that is all that matters. If it weighs me down it is enough to pray about and try to solve. People will pray and love you without yelling or judging. Things can't be fixed with the nod of the head or a twitch of the nose but with a little prayer and love it will work itself out.
No matter what I, Misty, an forgiven of all my sins and washed in the blood. (eph 1:7, Heb 9:14, Col 1:14, 1John 2:12, 1John1:9)
Powerful hey??? God is more powerful than anything in this world. More powerful than the hate people throw at you, the lost feeling you have weighing you down, more powerful than money and more powerful than jobs. Most of all God is more powerful than Satan. No matter what may happen I try so hard to remember that I have God on my team. He is helping my team to get bigger and stronger everytime I get knocked down.
You are not alone. You are never alone. It is hard to believe, I know. But together we can try so hard to believe it and God will help us to understand.

I AM loved

I've always been told "i love you" growing up but for some reason there is only so many times that it gets said without any heart when you finally start to disregard it.
I have struggled with wanting to be loved and needing to be loved. Then when I realize that I am, I question it. Why? How could God love me this much when I have done SOOOO many things wrong? Why do people love me? What if they found out about the real me and all the problems I have? What if they found out what I struggle through and decide that there is no hope.
I have discovered that I am loved and that I will not be thrown aside when I am lost and I feel so alone. I am not alone. I am not being given up on. God cares. There are people that care and are praying for me. As "weird" as it may feel, I let them pray. I really have no choice in the matter now do I?
The power of prayer is inmessureable and can't be beat. You feel your spirit start to mend and the burden slowly lift from your heart. Then it's too late. It's all out now, but you aren't judged. If anything you are told how much you are loved and supported.

A friend gave this to me:
"To be loved means to be chosen. The sense of being chosen is one of the very best gifts love bestows on the beloved. Someone has seen me as an unique person, and that someone desires to come closer to me, to be on the same side as I'm on. Someone believes that I have a significant contributaion to make.

Love confers a kind of chosenness on the one who is loved. Love wispers, I choose you. I want to be on your side. And for the ragged people, for people with misshappen spirits and crooked hearts and lopsided souls, this is life.

'to be loved uniquely-- for one's special self-- is to be loved as we need to be loved.'
This is what God does, He loves each of us uniquely.

Remember and feast on the words that give life: 'I am the beloved. I am loved by God'."

Someone sees me as unique. I am chosen. Someone believes that I have a significant contribution. Three things that I never truly believed until now. No matter who I am or what I do, I am loved. I am chosen.I am the beloved. I am loved by God. In my darkest moment I will never froget that I have friends surrounding me, supporting me no matter what. I AM LOVED!!! What a wonderful feeling..........

Masks

Tysey has an interesting blog about being tired of being herself. How many of us can truly say that we have been there? I think that I understand what she is going through. She seems to be struggling with the fact that she can't play the sherade anymore. I too, am usually able to laugh. I can make the girls at my work laugh as well, no matter how sad they may seem. But Tysey is right - who will make us laugh? We went to school together and she was always the one trying to make others laugh no matter what she was going through. She is such a caring person and she worries about others and was always there for us when ever we needed to just sit and cry. That's the kind of person she is. It doesn't take long though before we all get tired and want someone to care but are afraid to let them.
I think to some extent we all wear a mask and try to hide how we truly feel. Those that love us and know us just need to look into our eyes to see that we are not happy. God knows. I was told that God understands what we are going through. Even though you feel like you will never get through what is happening. I was also told that God will help us to get through it. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time. When you feel so lost and think that no one cares you will be surprised at the response.
Sometimes it may mean starting to share your secrets. Letting those secrets out. Cry. Scream. Laugh. God is there if you wait to listen to Him. He will guide you in the right direction. I am struggling with that right now cause when you feel so lost and confussed dark plays a major roll in not letting you to comprehend and understand that God will not leave. It's hard to let yourself be you. You want to help others but aren't willing to let them in to help you. The time has come to trust. Scares the living crap out of me but I know that I can't keep it in anymore and that maybe God is trying to tell me something. Time to trust Him and those He puts in your path.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged" Deuteronomy 31:8
Easier said than done, isn't it?

I Keep Reaching

You ever notice how when things are going well you are finally able to relax? Just when you think that everything just might be going right you get thrown to the ground. So weak, you can't seem to stand on your own two feet anymore. So you stay down. I am knocked down and I don't want to get up. It is too darn hard. I am not blaming God for my own stupid fault. I am not blaming anyone but me.
I may be knocked down but I am still reaching. I am trying SO hard to give it over to God. I am understanding Him more and more. Yet, right now the pride, the shame and every other thought that makes you second guess yourself and doubt everything keeps running through my head. I hold my hand to you Lord and I truly am trying so hard to let You take care of me. Please forgive me for not trusting You and for hindering Your progress. Open my eyes oh Lord. Help me to no longer struggle. Put Your arms around me and pull me into You so that I know I am safe and loved.
I will keep reaching for how ever long it takes. For You Lord, are patient with me and for that I am greatful.

Sandwich Giveaway

What an experience!! Tonight was my first time at the sandwich giveaway. I think that I am going to make it a regular thing. I think that God may have just called me out to do this. It was a nice, chilly night and Terry thought it smelled like snow. We packed up the food in the wagons and off we went. I didn't know what I was doing so I just went with the flow and followed the others.
It made me feel really good handing this out for those less fortunate than myself. It makes me realize that my problems are truly petty. They may not feel that way to me and they weigh me down daily but at the same time I saw that there are more people out there that need help than me and my silly little problems.
It made me feel good and made me feel like we were truly doing God's work. I have had experience with working with the sick and elderly but this was so much different. I really enjoyed it.
Afterwards we went up to Tim Hortons. You know what? Tonight, today and yesterday are truly times filled with blessings for me. For the first time in a really long time I was able to laugh. Real laughter too, not just the fake stuff I have come accustomed to pulling lately. Not the fake smile that I try to pull while saying "I'm fine." No - real smiles. I am putting myself out there and am starting to be vulnerable and letting God take care of me. He is doing it too.
That's what church and God is all about - isn't it? Spreading God's word and helping those that need it. It was an awesome experience and I can't wait to do it again.

Growing

The last week has been a very interesting one for me. I know that it has been stressful for myself, my husband and so many others but at the same time interesting.
I, Misty, am growing in God.
I am wanting to get more involved with New Heights and am longing to make it my home. I am getting better at hiding what I am feeling and thinking but at the same time I am learning to let people in. I hear God. I can understand what people are talking about now. I am starting to feel pride. But not the pride that is keeping me from talking about what is really bothering me, but the pride that I am God's. Sometimes I do truly wonder what makes Him love me so unconditionally and forever. Then I sit and read my bible or talk to my friendwho works so hard at helping me to understand what is going on. To understand that even though I may not think it now, these things are happening for a reason and it will all make sense when it is revealed to me. I am being urged into the best directions. Forgiving some, loving more and growing.

Favorite Places

I think I have found a favorite place to be with God. I sit on the grass, my back against the tree and listen to worship. The sun warms me and wraps around me while the wind whips through my hair and that is when I feel God the most. I draw, I write and sometimes I even just stop and look around. I even took my bible and read. The other day while at my favortie spot I think God was talking to me. Look what I have done. This is why you are here and I choose for you to share in my glory. I want you to enjoy this. I want you to see my love.
I sat there, silent. Listening. Wanting and longing to trust God. I have a problem with trust. Once you have been hurt, no matter how many years ago, you tend not to trust again. Who can you trust? I can trust God and those He is putting into my life.
I love my quiet little spot and I do want to show people and have them experience it with me. No matter how many people walk by, I don't care. I am with God and He is making time for me. Sometimes while I am listening to the songs I just want to get up and sing, stretch my arms out to Him and show that I am opening to Him. I am slowing down. I am trying to stop running. I hope that everyone can find their own spot.
It was only a few months ago that if I were to sit there I don't think it would hit me that this is God and that this is His love. Now as I grow in Jesus and I build my foundation, on rock, I can see. The world doesn't seem as murky. When I am in my spot I don't let myself think about all my stress and all my worries. For a moment, no matter how brief, I am God's and only His. Loved endlessly.

Run, Hide and Seek

So lately I have been running from God. I have been trying to hide from Him and others as well. However, it seems like everytime I think I have found a good hiding spot someone finds me and tries to drag me out of it. I will come out of that spot only to run to another without looking back. So that's it. Run, Hide and Seek. I keep running, I keep hiding, but I keep being found.
"In the time of trouble He shall hide me"
Psalm 27:5
So while I am in trouble He hides me then He sends someone out to find me? Sends someone to bring me back home to Him but yet I keep running. If I run really fast and hide really quickly maybe He won't find me. Yeah right! He always knows where I am. I keep to myself yet He brings people to me to get me to let it all out. He's waiting for me to quite running and so are those that love me. My stubborn will though keeps me going. I am starting to tire now though and am running out of places to hide. The time has come to be found.
Come out, come out, where ever you are.......

Bad start to the day

So I just got a call from my husband. He sounded upset I asked him what was wrong and he sighed. What?? He was getting onto the freeway at Clearbrook and the guy in front of him slowed down and Phil couldn't see because of the sun. Phil started to go and hit the guys bumber. Phil thinks he might have put a dimple in it. But I can see it now. Lawsuits, injuries substained that go on for over a year. Yeah we needed this right now.
I am not blamming anyone, I am not yelling at God or my husband. Accidents happen right? This one of the things that is happening for a reason? I am casuing my husband to go nuts and now this? I am battling with enough and now this? It was the companies car too. Phil is fine and I think the car is fine. I just hope he doesn't have to pay a deductable, something we sure as heck can't afford right now. Here I go again worried about what will happen down the road instead of just taking things hour by hour, day by day. What a way to sart the day. Poor Phil.

Asking God

So you ever notice that when you ask God for something you want that answer right away? Well, I do. I have never had patience as a vertue of mine. Now I see that God does things in His own time. It may seem like forever but maybe when He answers you it is more correct timing than before. I wait for answers and I am struggling with being patient. Maybe that is why He doesn't answer right away. He is waiting for me to be patient and teaching me how to be.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
(Mt. 7:7)

So I am asking, I am seeking and I will keep on knocking until He shows me the way. I may not get the answers I want but I may just get lead into the direction that I need. He will never abandon me and I am believing in it slowly.

Believing

I was reading Jenns' blog today and what she had wrote has made me stop and think. One of the passages that she wrote was:
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me I will answer:
I will be with them in times of trouble
I will rescue them and honor them.
I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation."
Psalm 91:1-2,14-16

So........????? That means that no matter what I may have going on in my life He loves me? He is there for me? No matter that good thoughts or the bad? Makes me want to cry. That no matter what, He is there. In my times of trouble and I feel lost and out of control, He is there, waiting for me to find my way back to Him? Why? What the heck did I do to deserve His unconditional love like that? What if I ever get lost so bad that I feel like I can't find my way back? I bet your answer would be that God wouldn't let that happen. He waits for me to listen and trust in Him but why do I find it so hard? He is there in times of trouble? Sure feels like I'm alone and that is the most frightening experience that I could ever go through. But if I were to just stop and trust I would see that He is wispering in my ear telling me that He loves me? Pride keeps you from wanting to let go of things and to no longer keep secrets. Does God want you to let those go? Does He want you to step aside with the whole pride issue and let yourself be vulnerable? Trust in Him. I know there is a verse I am thinking of here but can't quote it quite yet.
Trust. That's a pretty big word. When you find the right ones to trust it makes all the difference in the world. But how do you know? I need to trust God and those who care about me but my selfish pride and fear of being judged or rejected keeps that in. Another well-kept secret that won't be getting out. The only problem is How long would it go on? I amsure that one day God will give me that extra shove then I will spill over, but when? I do love God and I am learning to love Him more completely and wholey than I ever had before. I am growing. I am rescued? I am protected? I am honored? If so why is it so hard to believe? That whole pride thing? Darn pride.
I just thank God that He is patient with me and my struggles as I try to find myself and who I am. I thank God that; yeah He is there, even though I think He surely isn't and doesn't want to worry about my little problems. I am thankful for being loved. I just need to believe it.

Alone

Alone

A dark, hate filled claw
reaches into your
chest and grabs a hold.
You can't breath and your
heart quickens, you feel
it's going to jump
out of your chest.
You struggle with the darkness
and grab a hold of it
while your tears pour.
You cry out for God to
help you win the
endless battle.
Lord help me.
Lord save me.
Lord embrace me.
The darkness melts away
as you start to
breath again.
The emptiness in your chest
is now filled with
God's unconditional love.
You reach out for help
and another hand pulls you
to your weary feet.
The tears fall and love
embraces you letting you
know that you are
not alone.
The battle is not over,
far from it, but you know
you must go on
for those who
love you.

Good to Me (I Cry Out)

Bear with me here. I heard this song byt Any Given Day and I figured that others might want to read the lyrics. I listened to the song and wrote down the words. I hope I got it right.

I Cry Out

i cry out

for Your hand of mercy to heal me

And i am weak

and i need Your love to free me

OH LORD

You're my rock

and my strength in weakness

come rescue me

oh Lord

(repeat)

You ar my hope

and Your promise never fails me

and my desire

is to follow You forever

for You are good (2x)

for You are good to me

for You are good (2x)

for you are good to me

i cry out

for Your hand of mercy to heal me

and i am weak

and i need your love to free me

oh Lord

You're my rock

and my strength in weakness

come rescue me

oh Lord

You are my hope

and Your promise never fails me

and my desire

is to follow You forever

for You are good (2x)

for You are good to me

for You are good (2x)

for you are good to me

repeat 4x

i cry out for Your hand of mercy to heal me.

Another Weak

So, here we are the beginning of a new week. Yes I do know I spelled it different in the title. That is how I feel. How do I handle this week? Another week where I won't be able to sleep one full night. That would be nice. I know I am complaining and I shouldn't because I know so many others that get less sleep than me. I am just tired of it and I kinda understand how my best friend feels when she can't get any sleep. Another week where I worry to the point where my stomach jumps into my throat and my hands shake uncontrollably. What if the plans that seem to be going on in my head fall through and don't work the way I hope they might. What if my doctor doesn't agree with what I say and judges me? Then I remember "do not be afraid of any man, for judgment belongs to God" Deuteronomy 1:17 (I've gotten to know this verse). Also, my affirmation slip read "I, Misty, am strong in the Lord" Eph. 6:20. I read it aloud so that I hear myself say it yet something tells me that I am not strong, that I am weak. I try to ignore it. I just can't seem to handle anything lately and I don't know what to do. I am trying to surround myself with music and the Bible yet I am still lost. I am searching for the answers, as I am sure most of us are. I am taking as many steps as I think are necessary but yet it doesn't seem enough. I pray but I feel weird praying for myself. I can't give up though, I know. I am afraid of the outcome and what may happen if I do. So as I start this new week I am shaking and scared.
Lord help me to be strong in you and to let you take control. I want you in my life. Lord thank you for those who protect me and those who love me. Please help me to remain calm and trust in you.
I don't know what else to say. Maybe I just need to take it one day at a time, but it is so hard.

Kids

I was just thinking about my neice and how much I love kids. I always have and always will. I pretty well understand them and I love being a Sunday School teacher. Their little faces are so innocent and they are not corrupted yet by todays society. I am scared to bring up kids now and am glad that I am not a mom just yet with everything going on. I watch my best friends raise my little niece and I admire them. I am also scared for her. Scared for the bullies at school and whenever I hear guns outside my apartment in the middle of the night I worry about all the children that end up getting caught in it.
My niece has unconditional love and doesn't know what hate is. She lights me up when she looks at me and gives me a big beautiful smile. When I talk to her she knows my voice and she knows who I am. It makes me feel special. I can be having a bad day and she just smiles at me, not knowing what is going on and for a brief moment I know that all is right in her little world. I can't wait until she can call me aunty and she can talk with me. I really think that we have a special bond already without the words and I can't wait to see how it is when she can talk to me. This is what unconditional love is and it feels wonderful. I know how God feels when He looks at me and that no matter the mistakes I may make, and I do, He still loves me unconditionally. I just need to start remembering moments like this when my world seems to spin upside down. When you are all confussed and flustered you tend to want to hide, and I do. I am so glad to be His child and I hope that I will remember that in my lonliest moments.

Slowly Starting to Understand

I think that over the last few days I am slowly starting to understand what is happening. Is this God speaking to me? I found lately that when I finally get to sleep I end up waking up with something on my brain. Like I did with Deuteronomy. I am coming along with that book - ever so slowly and I think I know what I need to read after I am done. I am getting these things in my head and I don't know why. Sometimes I don't even know where they came from. Like this morning I woke up with part of a song in my head and I wrote it down. I don't even know if I have the words right but these are them:
Freedom reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
Falling on every face
There is freedom.
I wonder what it means? Here I go, getting all technical and must figure out why it was in my head. So do I need to share it? I don't know but I did anyway.
So the way I have figured it these last couple of days is that maybe God does speak to me when I am sleeping because that is the only time I shut up long enough to hear him. It is the only time I won't argue back or second guess what He is saying. There are no other thoughts that are clouding his voice. So yeah I think I amslowly starting to understand.

Calling

I just read James' blog about Every sheep needs the Shepherd. One quote really stood out for me.
"If you are one of His sheep, He knows you by name. He goes ahead of you and calls you to follow Him. He will lead you if you listen to His voice. 'He calls His own sheep by name and leads them out' (John 10:3)"
Hmmmmmmmmmm................
I have been struggling lately wanting to hear God's voice like so many others do. I think I may be starting to understand. Could the events that happened this week have been God talking to me? Could He be the one that is guiding me to people I meet and the steps I am trying to take? I'm not too sure, but I like to think that maybe God is directing me and maybe I am starting to listen. I was expecting some kind of loud beaming voice. But could it be that this is how God comes to me, as a quiet voice instide my head and I just haven't been listening? I seem to have more questions rather than answers but it will come right? I am asking for God to come to me and I am wanting to understand. I want to trust that He has the timing figured out and that everything will work but my stubborn ego gets in the way and then I start to stress out. Lord help me to understand.

I am Fine.

It's funny. Sometimes I can find so much to write about but lately I have been struggling with my personal life, my work life and God. Yet I find myself not wanting to talk about it. I know I need to talk because it will help lift this burden off my chest yet I remain silent and tell everyone that I am fine. It's a good mask and I can hide it pretty well. Yeah that's right - I am fine.
Even though I claim that I am fine those closest to me know that I am not. I have come to realize in these last couple of days that there are people out there that care about me. I do matter. I know I matter to my husband but it is reassuring that he is not the only one that is willing to sit and listen to me and support me through everything I do.
I am struggling. I will admit it. I pray for God to help but yet I don't get that profound feeling that He is talking to me. Deep down I know that He is helping me along yet I am longing to see Him like so many others do and to hear Him tell me that it will all work out. I am struggling with work and person things as well. It's hard. I don't want to talk to people because I feel that what is happening makes me weak. No matter how many people tell me that there is nothing wrong with what I am doing and that maybe everything will turn around and this is just the start of something possibly better. There are people who are going through a lot more than me, that I don't doubt. It is the lack of faith that everything is okay and that I am loved that is really driving me nuts.
I actually wrote some poems the other day. I find it funny that when I am in a good mood and everything seems fine I don't write. But watch out when I am down and upset!!!! Break out the paper and pencil!! Then I hide it all away for no one else to see.
I am finding it tough to blog right now. I wish I didn't because I do enjoy it. Like I said though, I am so grateful for those people, you should know who you are, that support me and love me. I just hope that they all know how thankful I am for them. Thanks for the support and helping me to realize that there are people out there who care for me and love me so much. I am Fine.