Sunday, December 28, 2008

I find it hard...

to fight old thought patterns. They just sneak their way in there. An unwelcome guest. I am grateful for all that God has blessed us with and I am choosing to look at that rather then some of the negative that has been happening. I don't think the enemy likes that too much.

I had a very blessed Christmas. I couldn't help but notice that I had some thoughts sneak in. You may roll your eyes but it was about my first loss. I should have been very pregnant and due in February. February 2 was my due date. I found the bitter thoughts coming back. The thoughts of WHY and NOT FAIR came flooding in. Once I noticed these thoughts I stopped. I gave it over to God. I asked Him to take it away because I know that He has a plan for my life and that I am ok with it. That I am not angry and that I will trust Him.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6

HE began this work in me. HE knows what is going to happen because "All the days ordained for me were written in (His) book before one of them came to be." Ps. 139:16

Stop and think about it for a second. I know when I do it blows me away. He knew that hurts would happen. He knew losses would happen. He knew we would rejoice, we would sing, we would get angry, we would cry and we would feel so alone. Yet He promises that He will not forsake us. "He tends to His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lamb in His arms and carries them close to His heart." Isa. 40:11

Now how cool is all of that. He knows every single day of my life yet He will not abandon me. Even on the days where I feel detached from Him and struggle to talk to Him, He knew. Yet He still chose to love me. To send His son for me, for us, as sinners. He is never too big to stop, pick me up in His strong and safe arms. Never too busy to stop and hold me against His heart. To hold me so close that I can hear His heart beat, I can feel His chest rise and fall as He gently breaths and calms me.

In my moments it is hard to stop. Hard to not think about the "what if's", the "why me's", the "it's not fair's". No, life is not fair yet it is a life we walk in His love. When we choose to walk in His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, His love, His patience, His greatness we choose to feel Him in every situation. We choose to lean on Him.

So right now I am choosing to lean on God.

"Daddy I need your arms to wrap around me. I need to feel your heart beat, I need to feel YOU."

"I am right here baby. I have not left you. I understand your hurt, your pain, your confusion and your desire to want me. I am glad you want me. I have been there. I have felt the pain, the hurt, the confusion but I have also felt the Love of my Father. We graciously extend that to you."

"I am so not worthy of this Love Daddy. I did nothing to deserve it."

"that is the point baby. I did something because you deserve it."

"Help me to battle these feelings Daddy. Help me to acknowledge them, accept them and move on."

"All you need to do is turn to me. I will help you through. I promise I will never leave you. I will hold you close to me, you just have to let me."

"Here I am Daddy. I am running to Your arms. I am trusting in You. I am leaning on You, help me Daddy."

"I will baby. I will. I love you more then anything. I am here....."

He is here. I can't push away the feelings, I acknowledge them then hand them over to God. He is so much bigger then me. He can take this, I can't. I can't take this on my own. I apparently do have stress even though I don't fully realize it. Or maybe it is just that I am not acknowledging it. Yet He is big enough, yet gentle enough, to take this all away. To help me through step by step. Yes this may be hard, but I just have to trust God. I just have to hand it over to Him. I just have to be still and slow down into His arms. He can do this. I can't. I can with Him.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Ever so patient....

You ever notice how God just doesn't give up? He will NEVER give up?

Sometimes I wonder why He hasn't given up on me. Others would have by now. Yet I realize that He is not like other people. He is not like PEOPLE period. He is a gracious and compassionate God. He keeps coming after me with love. How cool!

So reading my Wallflower book and came across something. Always the right timing...

"God has great patience with new believers. He understands the weakness by which we begin. Just learning about grace. Only beginning to walk by faith and battle our old sin patterns. The very good news is that there is hope for those of us who struggle in earnest to become women of great faith.

Thankfully, non are ever turned away from the grace of God. All of us have a certain hope because of God's patient mercy and love.

Jesus promised the disciples that the Holy Spirit would come after Him to live inside of them and give them power. That same promise holds for every believer today." p. 108-109

ok. Did you catch that? He understands. Has great patience. There is HOPE. NONE are ever turned away from His Grace. Did I mention there is HOPE. We have the promise of the Holy Spirit.

Now is that not the coolest! Now THAT is a Papa!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Look at the devotion I got today......

Christmas Brings the Peace of God
by Rick Warren

You will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

*** *** *** ***

Once you make peace with God, that’s spiritual peace, then you get the peace of God in your heart and that’s emotional peace.

This is the one you really need for daily living. The peace of God happens in your heart when you’ve made peace with God. All of a sudden, the stress in your life goes down. You’re not as angry as you used to be. Things don’t bother you as much. You’re a lot more patient. You’re filled with a lot more love and peace.

Why? Because once you have peace with God, you have the peace of God in your heart.

The Bible says, “Don’t worry about anything. Instead pray about everything” (Philippians 4:6 NLT). You have two choices in life: You can pray or panic, worship or worry. Those are your choices. Worry has never solved a single one of your problems. If you prayed as much as you worry, you would have a lot less to worry about! Prayer can change things. That’s why the Bible says, “Don’t worry. Pray!”

“Pray about everything. Tell God what you need. Thank him for all that he’s done. [And if you do this] You will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6 NLT).


Monday, December 22, 2008

Feeling lonely

But I know it must be my own fault. I feel like I don't have many people around me. I am at home all the time. I feel alone.

The newest thing I have been doing lately is just hanging out with God. It is great. When the boys (my son and my daycare boy) nap I lay on my stomach in front of the fireplace and just read my bible. Read a book and just hang out with God.

Just He and me in front of the fireplace. I really have started to enjoy this time with Him. To look forward to the quiet, to His voice and His love wrapping around me. I have been learning a bunch of things. Been learning how to make and keep boundaries. Learning why I am the way I am. Learning that sometimes I need to just wait my turn to dance.

Reading a book called "When Wallflowers Dance" by Angela Thomas. I am sure I have shared on it before. Came across a few interesting things today.

"Prayer is the means by which we continually place ourselves into God's arms. When you meet a woman who is full of joy and confidence no matter what her circumstances, you have most likely encountered a woman of prayer." p. 99

"Prayer is the discipline by which God gives us the ability to wait. To persevere. To dream again. To trust." p. 100

"Whatever battle you face today, remember that it cannot have you. You belong to GOD." p. 101 (emphasis mine)

I am learning a lot about this. Learning to just trust God. Learning to be able to dream and to pray. To just talk to God. Just to let it all go and give it over to Him. So really I should be leaning on Him. I shouldn't feel lonely but I do. Some days it is more then others. But it is ok. God has a plan for my life and right now it may just mean being lonely. It may mean waiting.

It is hard to let go of the lonely feeling but I know God is right here, pulling me through.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Choosing to not worry

As everything in life, worrying is a choice we make. We can choose to worry or we can choose to just sit back in God's love and trust Him.

I can't say that I trust Him without question. I trust Him but WITH question. Yet when I sit here and type it out I just feel like that isn't right. That really isn't how I feel.

I trust God. I have to trust God because He can do a better job at this life then I can. Yet I have so many questions. They are getting less here and there as I start to understand a bit more each day.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil. 4:6

I find that lately when I start to get frazzled, when I start to worry and panic, when I start to see the negative and lose site of the positive I lean on God. I will stop, sometimes it takes longer then others, but I will stop. I will beg God to take it away from me. I will say, "away from me, Satan!" Matt. 4:10 or I will think and say "Get behind me, Satan!" Matt. 16:23

It is getting easier to tell Satan to bug off. To get a life and to leave mine alone. It amazes me at how hard he keeps trying, no matter how many times you tell him to frig off. He will keep coming at you from every side, attacking at every angle. Yet God tells us not to worry. That just by praying to God, by living in His truth, reading His Word we can have the tools to battle the enemy. We can choose not to worry because of God's Grace.

"thank you Lord for Your amazing grace. Thank you for Your Son. Thank you that I am not worthy yet You stoop to me. You lift me out of my sorrow, my self pity, my pain and my worry. You tell me that You love me and You have me in your arms. That I don't need to worry because You are with me."

"I care more about you baby then the birds of the air. I take care of them and I will take care of you. I love you because you are my child. I always have."

"that amazes me God. That you gave your Son to us. That by your grace we can choose to not worry. Wow."

***I just picture Him smiling***

I am going to try to make it a conscious decision, every day, to not worry. He has me covered. He cares about me more then He cares about the birds, and the flowers. He loves all His creation. That is me. That is YOU. Pretty dang cool hey?

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Can we just get a break!!!

So this afternoon/evening around 5 Cooper turned on a dime yet again. I was just thinking how great it was he had no fever today. He was playing fine today even walking all bundled up out in the snow with my friend.

He woke up from his nap all happy and was acting totally fine all day. Then at 5ish pm he put his left ear to his shoulder and started to whine. Didn't want to play and poked at his ear. I asked him if he had owies and he said yes. I asked where and he said, right here. Pointing to his ear. So my red flag went up that it was an ear infection.
Then closer to 7 he was whiney, clingy and basically hitting his jaw where the ear meets the jaw line. So we took him to the clinic. Then while in there he became agitated, restless and almost like he was dillusional. Didn't make any sense, couldn't get comfortable or anything.

The doctor came in and Cooper stayed laying on my lap. The doc looked at his left ear and said, "WHOA! That is Baaaad" then looked at his right and was about to say it was ok then he got a better look at it and said that it was getting just as bad. Not quite there but pretty close.

So we have antibiotics now. I feel bad for it but I think it was past the point of being an early ear infection. So we had to give a double dose per docs orders to get it rolling faster because they were so bad. Then had to give 1.5tsp tylenol to try to help knock out the pain.

He was so not himself. It was awful. He even went to his room and crawled into bed saying he wanted to go to sleep!

Of course it gets me thinking about all the crap that has happened within the last month. Miscarriage, migraines, late period, cold for Cooper and me, Cooper having croup and the week long fever etc etc etc but then I stop myself and won't allow it. I think about the blessings of last month.

Can this just all stop now PLEEEEASE!! sigh...

thanks if you read this far.

I know God has blessed us and although this stuff is happening it is ok. Because God has my back. I just have to remember the good times. I won't let the enemy play with all the feeling sorry for myself. I will praise Him in this storm!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My little guy's third Christmas

Wow time flies. He looks so different now!!

Dec. 16 033edit3 THIS ONE

Last year

First Christmas

Friday, December 12, 2008

You love me......

without fail everyday You stoop low
enough to wrap Your arms around
me and lift me into Your embrace.
You love me no matter what I may
or may not do.
Your love for me is so huge that I can't
even explain how it blows my mind
yet You still wait patiently and You
know that I am wanting to
love You more deeply.
No matter what You have the patience
to persevere after me and to hold
onto me and help me understand
Your amazing grace and love.
I don't deserve it but You
believe I do and You believe I am
worth it.
As I reach to grab onto Your
love and hold onto Your Hope
You hold me tight and whisper that
You are there.
You remind me that You have not
left me and You are an
ever present truth in this crazy world.
You hold me tight.
You love me every day.
You are patient.
You are kind.
You are love.
Thank you.
I love You and thank You that You
love me in all my weakness, all
my anger, all my strength and joy.
No matter what You love me.

oh dear.....

so Cooper is feeling MUCH better.

me on the other hand.......

plugged RIGHT UP! Nothing I can take. Of course because I am not feeling well everything is hitting my nerves the wrong way.

You know I started to think a bit and I am sure I am feeling a wee bit bitter. When the children are sick the mommy takes care of them. When the husband is sick the wife takes care of them.

WHO takes care of the wife and mother? Oh she does.....

that's ok though. I am just grateful to be a stay at home mom. But with feeling this crappy you kind of get a bit bitter. I just need to pray. He will take care of me. LOL!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Here we go....

so I have a head cold. No big deal. I can handle it. I am taking GSE (grapefruit Seed extract) in cranberry juice. It is Cooper that is bugging me.

5am it started. I heard "the cough". For those that have been there I think you know what I mean. The cough just before throwing up! then I hear MOM! MOM!! So I ran in there knowing what to expect and I was right. He had thrown up. So Phil and I gave him some gravol (anti-nausea med) and I sat down with him. I sat and cuddled him while Phil cleaned up the bed.

Cooper was wiped out, probably from the meds as well. So he went back to bed and slept until just after 7. Which is a sleep in for him. Came to my room and I just had this feeling I needed to grab the bucket. The bucket was beside my bed because I have been nauseous for almost a week. So I grab it, grab the back of his head, he says "NO!" and then up it came. He is now sitting on the couch watching The Grinch by Jim Carrey. He loves that show!

I am kind of debating on calling the nurses hot line though ONLY because last night he went to play and "slam" his head onto his pillow. He lunged at it but missed the pillow and SMOKED the front of his head on his headboard. It was so hard that I went running in there turning on the lights because I expected to see blood. But there was none. He was pretty quiet afterwards but we thought he was fine and checked on him quite a bit. I feel so bad for him.

can I just sigh........

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

God loves us.....

I got this in my email this morning.....

From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional.

"God loves you so much that he sent Jesus on a mission of love with a message of love. Christmas is a yearly reminder that God loves you. The Bible says God is love. It doesn’t say God has love; it says God is love. Love is his nature – God is love."

He loves us THAT MUCH. He IS love. That no matter what He will always love us. He will always love ME! I am ashamed to admit that I struggle with this a lot. I find it hard to believe sometimes.
You know, growing up you did things to make parents love you more. Make teachers and other kids "love" you enough that you were worthy to be in that group, worthy to be listened to etc.
Yet what have I done for God in order for Him to love me? NOTHING! I am not a perfect person. Far from it. I am a sinner. I struggle with the only thing that is true and that is Him and His word. So with God being so perfect why do I struggle with it?

"God’s good news is that he loves you on your good days as much as he loves you on your bad days. He loves you when you can feel his love, and he loves you when you can’t seem to feel his love. He loves you regardless of whether or not you think you deserve his love.

There is nothing you can do that will make God stop loving you. You could try, but you simply can’t do it – because his love for you is based upon his character and not on anything you do or say or feel."

Well now that is good to know as well. On my bad days I am not a pleasant person. I can be very cranky and quite the bitch *ahem, excuse me for the swear*. I lose track of God some days. But like the devotion said I can not do anything to make God stop loving me. NOTHING?? Really? Why? Why is that so? Why can't His love just be taken away like everyone else's seemed to have been in the past.

BECAUSE HE LOVES ME and He gave up His ONLY Son for me. The reason we celebrate Christmas is because God gave us His son. We celebrate the greatest gift of all. Jesus was born only to die. God knew all of this too. He knew the torment, the anguish, the pain and the hurt yet he LET it all happen. He didn't stop it. Jesus obeyed. God LET His son die on that cross. Did He turn His back while He watched His son take his last breaths? While He watched His son in pain? I like to imagine that He didn't. I believe He sat there beside Jesus, held Him and loved Him all the way through.

He let it happen because He loved a sinful world so much. He wanted us to be with Him, yet we still turn away from Him. We turn our backs on Him but no matter what He keeps with us. He keeps loving us. I did nothing to deserve it. You did nothing to deserve it and that is the point.

God really amazes me. He really truly does. I just hope that someday soon I can get this truth into my head and sunk into my heart. I believe I am almost there. I want to believe that He won't take it away. Like the rest of us though I only have the earthly people experience and I worry every time I may do something wrong to loose His love. I won't though. I won't. He loves us that much. No matter what.


Sunday, December 07, 2008

Heard this this morning.

it is so perfect. I raised my hands in praise. In agreement. I really don't need anything but HIM.

I Don't Need Anything But You
-Brian Doerksen

I don't need anything, this world says I do
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything, that I can't afford
I don't need anything but You

I don't need anything, this world says I do
I don't need anything but You
I just need your presence, Your life-giving love
I don't need anything but You

You are my ever present help
You are salvation from myself
You are my comfort and my joy
I don't need anything but You

I don't need anything that You won't supply
I don't need anything but You
I just need to trust that You will always provide
I don't need anything but You

You are my ever present help
You are salvation from myself
You are my comfort and my joy
I don't need anything but You

You are my ever present help
You are salvation from myself
You are my comfort and my joy
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything but You

I don't need anything
I don't need anything but You
I don't need anything but You, but You.

Friday, December 05, 2008

How DOES He do that!

you know what? No matter what it is God STILL continues to amaze me.

I had written about how I worry I lost site of God. A friend of mine told me that He was still there. Then I told my friend about a dream I had last night and they said that maybe I was too busy to still myself and listen for God during the day. That I don't take that time so He comes to me at night through my dreams!


So anyway.....

I was telling a friend about a dream I had last night. I was asked to give my testimony, which is odd in the first place because I never really thought I had a "testimony" worth giving. Know what I mean. So anyway, in the dream it turned into a question and answer period about the bible. Someone in my dream asked me if "Greetings, I come to you in peace and with open arms" was one of the five fruits of the spirit. Now in my dream I figured no but wouldn't say anything for fear of being ridiculed. I let that fear stop me a lot. Anyway in the dream our pastors wife looked at me and told me to answer the question. I looked around the room and someone smiled and nodded at me to continue. So I told them no. Then the pastors wife said I was right.

When I woke up I asked Phil what the fruits of the spirit were. He said "I don't know, cantelope?" I am sure he knew but what a question to wake up to. So it got me to thinking. I looked up in my concordance. To my surprise I found fruit and spirit in the same sentence.
There it was. Staring me in the face. "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control." Gal 5:22-23

Yeah my jaw dropped. I shared with Phil and he said, maybe God needs you to work on some of the fruits. I agree. Definatly the one of self control and patience. LOL! So anyway I was sharing with said friend and emailing about the dream. I wasn't even into my devotions yet. So then I finished emailing then got to the devotions. You would NEVER guess what the devotion was today! That's was on the fruits of the spirit. Geee.....You trying to tell me something God!!!

This is a part of the devotional:
"The question is: How do we develop these character qualities? Obviously, God doesn’t just zap us one day and suddenly these qualities materialize in our lives. He uses a process that involves a partnership with us and also the time to grow.

It requires partnership. The apostle Paul describes this partnership in Philippians 2:12-13 (NIV), where he says “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,” but then he also says, “for it is God who works in you ….”

It’s important to note that Paul doesn’t say, “Work for your salvation.” The Bible clearly teaches we don’t have to work for our salvation. It is a free gift of God’s grace.

It requires time. It takes time for fruit to ripen, and in the same way, there’s no such thing as instant spiritual maturity. When you try to rush fruit, it doesn’t taste as good. If you’ve ever eaten tomatoes that have been artificially ripened to speed up the process, then you know there’s no comparing them to the wonderful taste of naturally, vine-ripened tomatoes. It takes time for fruit to ripen, and it takes time for spiritual fruit to ripen in your life.

You can begin by telling God right now that you want to be a productive, fruitful disciple, one who cooperates with his plan."

So yeah...There it is. Coming to me time and time again in ONE morning. I can tell you that I was trembling. Not out of fear but out of excitment. That He was using me, that He was talking to me. That I was hearing it!

God you totally and absolutely amaze me!

"when your heart is open to me child you will hear me more. You will know and understand what I am trying to tell you, how I am trying to guide you."

but I am not worthy. I am not smart.

"I think you are baby. I think you are and that is all that matters."

I just LOVE how God works. It makes me want to dance on top of the mountain. It makes me want to sing!!

"Where the spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom.
Where the spirit of the Lord is,
there is freedom."

Free me Lord. Fill me with your spirit. I guess I said bring it on and you are! Thank you that I am receptive and willing to hear You.

"No thank you baby. That is what you were created for."

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Lost site of what matters

oh dear....

Today I have lost sight of what matters. I lost sight of Love, of Truth and Mercy. I lost site of God. I broke down. I had a melt down. I didn't know how to cope. I just have so much on my mind and plate.

here we go:

~ in the hospital yesterday for a head pain, worried about a brain anurysm, but everything came back clear
~ House is a disaster
~ Loosing my cool on Cooper
~ Need stamps and envelopes for Christmas cards.
~ Need pictures to put in the cards but wait! I don't have a camera! It is being fixed...
~ getting over a cold
~ not WANTING to have to wait for a child
~ still have a headache
~ 4.5 hours of sleep last night....
~ having to make the Christmas gifts

I totally snapped. I lost it. I lost Him. The enemy pulled me into my own worries and fears and anxieties. He pulled me further down faster then I could do it myself. I broke down. Tears, anger and frustration.

I lost God. In the heat of the moment I lost Him. He was still there the whole time but I got so wrapped up that I couldn't find Him. It just seems like I have so much building up but who doesn't?

So I feel like a complete moron venting and complaining. A dork asking for prayer. Weak....alone and scared....

I need to learn coping skills and I don't know how. I don't know where to turn, which way to go except in my heart I know that I need to go down. Down to my knees. He was waiting for me. I couldn't find the words so I asked some friends to pray. I cried and was vulnerable. I feel a little lighter and am feeling Him more.

I was told the closer you get to God the more of a spiritual battle that ensues. I need to de-clutter. I need to get rid of things. Both physically in my home and mentally. So many things are weighing on me. My weight. The house. House needs to be painted. Christmas deadlines. Need sitters. Need to save money. Need to pay back money.

ok I need to breathe. I need to find Him again. I need my eyes back on the prize. I need to just drop to my knees and cry. I need help.....