Thursday, December 30, 2004

My Petty Little Problems

Sure I complain alot and that won't change no matter how hard I try. If I am in pain I need to voice that so I have a way to try and get it off my chest. Latley, even though I still complain, my problems are so petty. I feel so sorry for those in Asia. My heart truly bleeds for them as I feel my tears stream down my face watching a child getting washed into the sea but then slammed back towards the shore just in time to be able to cling to a fence for their lives. Then seeing another set of footages that includes hearing the warning sirens go off for another tsunami attack and watch people scrammble for their loved ones then grab their hands and run. Tripping and scrambling to get to their feet so that they have enough time to scrammble for higher ground. Tears in anyone else's eyes? Mine are full of them. It really breaks my heart. It gives me one more reason to be proud of where I live and feel safe in my home and country. The only thing that is left for us to do is pray for the survivors and weep and pray for the dead.
When I first heard about the tragedy it never affected me, until I saw the footage. Then I couldn't bring myself to watch anymore. Kinda makes my fears, my pain and my problems tiny compared to what they are enduring on a day to day basis.
This is a Mother Nature Tragedy.
I only hope that disease outbreaks don't occur and that people are able to get the supplies that they need. I hope that mother nature will not strike again.
I pray:
"God, please help those less fortunate than us in these times of need. Let them turn to you Lord and know that this act of nature will pass and that it will make people strong. I pray that it opens our eyes to how good we have got it and that we are not that bad off. I pray that You help them in their time of need and keep their hands upon them."
I know that it may not be "right" to voice what I want to pray and what I feel needs to be done. But I don't think that it would hurt anyone and if it did hurt or offend anyone, I appologize. I just felt that what I need to say might want to be heard and someone may feel the same way. There is something I am in the midst of doing, but I am not going to voice it here. Let not the right hand know what the left one is doing - right? Some of you may hear in the days to follow, but I am not doing it to be reconized.
I hope that we can all say some sort of little prayer for these unfortunate people. Prayer works and I believe that it is the strongest possible cure available.
God help us.

Monday, December 27, 2004


Your eyes grow
Your stomach
Your tears
start to
Your heart
tells you to
But you stand
waiting for
fear to strike.
You look into
fears eyes
and realize
that you've
seen them

Did I get anyones attention out there?
I have let fear rule a certain part of my life and I am not proud of it. I know that if the worst were to happen I would have many regrets but yet I can't bring myself to do the right thing.
Why is it that we let fear control us? I know mine is because I am too scared and I don't want to go through the same thing I went through before. I know I am being pretty vauge (sp?) here but that is what the fear does to me. I don't want to write out exactly what I am affraid of. I don't want to show my vulnerability and I don't want to be pittied, I just need to hear myself say this all. The whole fact that I am reconizing this fear scares the living crap out of me. I don't want to see this particular fear again. It is something I think no one should go through and I am trying to stand back so that I don't go though it again. But will I regret it? Probably. I just don't know what to do.
So here I am, actually wondering if I should post this or not. If I should let the fear win. I know that if I don't post something I will kick myself and if I do post it I may regret it. A loose, loose situation. Oh well, here goes.......

Sunday, December 26, 2004

The Day After

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Ours was very blessed. We went from not being able to having one to being able to spoil ourselves a bit after all. We were adventurous today and decided to brave the traffic and head down to Langley for a little shopping. It actually wasn't too bad, except for the parking. My husband actually came up with a good idea. We drive around on the 23rd, 24th and 26th and find the best parking spot then pu up a sign that reads "need a spot? $10 bucks and it's yours". I thought that was a great idea and I am sure that he would have made some extra cash. We didn't do it though. While leaving willowbrook we were being stalked to our car. So we went to the front of our car and stopped to look around, like we were lost. The lady scowled at us then kept driving. The whole aspect of here following us kinda cheesed us. So when she left we went to the doors and while getting into our car we saw an older lady who looked so frantic that we pointed to the spot and said we were leaving. She was so happy and smiled at us and thanked us. First impressions do make a difference.
Then we headed into the Office Depot, Jacob, Micheals strip mall off of Fraser Highway and while walking up to Office Depot, bypassing the line ups at Mexx and Jacob Connextions we saw one of those brand new old style Mustangs. Looked nice but sounded terrible. The guy was riding the clutch, his first time driving standard maybe???? They will be replacing that in no time. A girl in the line up at Mexx announced that it was her boyfriend and that she had just bought him the car. People were ranting and raving wow!!! Can't believe you got that for him. Yeah but how long will she be paying it off for? OR did she just do a down payment........ I know the green envy thing but I don't get it, sure I can go out and get my dream car but at the same toime I think I would rather get into debt over a house. Yes I am jealous but I am happy. I just thought it was funny that everyone was announcing how lucky he is, and I am sure he is, but......
On our way out of Langley the cars were lined up from A&B sound all the way to where we were leaving. Crazy line ups!! But what do you expect for boxing day right? I think that our little adventure out was kinda fun though just because of how crazy it all gets. Then of course there were accidents because people weren't paying attention. AHHHHHHHHHHH.................. After Christmas rush. That was the first, and probably the last, time we ever went shopping on boxing day. It's a day I'll remember though.
"There is no sound, no voice, no cry, in all the world that can be heard until someone listens."

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

God Gives Us Grace

"Each day God gives us the grae for that day alone. You can make it, one day at a time."
Barbara Johnson

I have noticed myself repeating this phrase alot lately. I was given a little card with the phrase on it and I put it on my fridge. It hasn't been until recently that it is no longer just a decoration. It used to just sit there, but now every day I try to remember to take the time to read it to myself. I may just be about the biggest hypocriate (sp?) there is to be repeating this to other people. I am always worrying about a month from now, two months from now and even years from now. What am I going to do with my life? When to have kids? Will I be a good mom? Will I ever get a job that I am proud to go to everyday? There is that worry thing again. I drive those closest to me nuts and they let me know. That's why I love them so much.
God Gives us Grace.
God please help me to remember this verse and know that what you are doing for me today is meant to happen and that you will catch me if I fall. Thank you for being there for me always.
I wish everyone luck with being patient with the day before them and that alone. I wish that I would remember this verse eveytime I start to worry about things out of my control.

Friday, December 10, 2004

My adventure with Payton

So, if you read Michelle's blogs you would see that I took away her little girl, hahaha, Just for the day of course. It sure was interesting, I give Michelle alot of credit. I've been around alot of children, I even helped raise my baby brother, but this was different. I changed her and then attempted to feed her but by the time you get that darn bottle warmed up, and then cooled down enough for her to be able to eat without it ripping her insides out because it's too hot, she was beside herself. Must - calm - down - in - order - to - get - that - bottle - in - there. It just took a little walking around then she was pretty content and took the bottle eventually. However in her crying prcess she tired herself out so much that she kept dosing as I was feeding, then she would wake; drink more, then dose, until eventually she woke up long enough to drink the whole thing and then zonked for a hour or so.
We went for a couple of walks, in the snow, which she really enjoyed and then we even went for a car ride, which zonked her out again.
I had a really fun day with her. I love that kid so much, but it really opens your eyes as to how hard being a mom really is. Makes me realize that I am not even ready yet. We will just keep taking her out here and there and that would be good enough for me. Maybe we'll have kids in 3 - 5 years or so, but what's the rush right?
Michelle and Payton were dropped off here yesterday morning too. It was a fun day as well. I let mommy crash in my bed for a couple hours. Payton woke up and was all smiles. So we ran a bath and put her in it. It was starting to cool down too much for her but she let me know. Then we added more warm water and she was all smiles again. So I dressed her up and we played in the bouncy chair for a bit while "Auntie" loaded the dishwasher. Then we got bored, and she had enough of the bouncy chair, so we went for a walk in the sunny weather, then back to bed. Phil had her laughing when he got home. She likes her "Uncle" Phil. She has the cutest little laugh too. Payton & Uncle Phil invented a new little game. Uncle Phil blows gently into her face and she huffs back at him with a big smile. I am loving all the giggles and smiles. I can't wait until she can communicate with us.
I've loved that little girl from the moment she was born, even before, because of the friendship Michelle, Rod, Phil & I all have. It is amamzing how this little girl makes that bond between friends so much stronger. I love the days I get to spend with her and I am sure that mommy must be used to it by now. Michelle, I give you alot of credit. You are awesome. Thanks for letting me take your baby away....hehehe...........

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Just needing to Vent

I just got word that my real car is finished being repaired and that I have to turn in the car I have now. The car I have now is a courtesy car, it's a Mazda Protege 5. It is my dream car. Is it wrong that I don't want to take it back? My car was stolen as you may know and I am afraid of how it will run when I get it back, if it runs at all. I have so much stuff to do and what if it doesn't run? What if I have to get a courtesy car? One day at a time - I know but it was so nice having a dependable car. Now I get mine back, she is a good car though. It is just the feeling that I have of being violated. THe theives used my car for a joy ride and trashed it. I just am worried of how I will feel sitting in that drivers seat knowing that some jerk who didn't give a crap (sorry) took my car and treated her like dirt. Embedded chocolate in teh seats, left the window down to get rain water in and took things of minw that I worked hard for and payed for out of my own pocket. It makes me so mad.
So yes I know it is wrong to not want to take the courtesy car back, but I just feel so violated and I haven't even sat in the car yet. Just thinking about it makes me angry that someone can do this top people and think they are so smug because they are getting away with it. I just don't want to feel like a stranger in my own car and feel grossed out and creeped out because they touched stuff in my car last and smoked in my car (I am a non-smoker) and just bagged on my poor baby. I guess it's true though - you always want what you can't have.
Just needed to vent once again.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Small World

I found out yesterday that one of the girls I work with actually knows my brother. She said that she thought he was an only child then she was even more surprised when she found out I was the oldest and that we still had a younger brother. Then I found out that her boyfriend actually went to the same school as me and that his parents actually attend New Heights. It just got crazier and crazier the more we talked. The more we continued with our conversation, the more we realized how close we actually came to meeting outside of work a few times.

It really makes me realize how small our world really is and how some how some way we are all connected. I told her she should come and see New Heights. She said she would try. Right now they go to a bigger church but I kinda like the fact that at NH we are close to so many people and there are a lot of people that know your name. Small World we live in.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

David's Stone

Yes I am refering to David and Goliath again, it does seem to be a good analigy (sp?) for what I am wanting to say. David and his stone. Today I picked up that stone. Just like in the sermon last week. I was filling out something that could have remained annonymous, but for some reason I put my name on it. Maybe it is habit, just to fill in your name where it reads: name (optional):__________. Yeah I did see the optional part yet I still found myself sitting there writing my first and last name. It was stupid I am sure of it, yet I did it. I can't change that now, I am David and this is my stone. I am starting the scary and seemingly endless task of confronting Goliath.

After filling out the form I actually sat there and debated on the fact as to wether or not I should have placed my name on that little line. I brought my pen up to my name and placed it at the front of it preparing to scribble it out so that it was so unreconizable that no one would know that it was me. I silently said a prayer. What would Jesus want me to do? I am not sure exactly. So I sat there pen poised and ready to scribble. Next thing I know I was folding the paper and placing it into the envelope then proceding to seal it tightly shut. No I didn't scratch out my name and now it scares me silly. Sitting there before handing over the envelope to forever be lost I thought about that sermon. I thought about that white rock that I have placed in my purse so that it is with me always. I let the envelope go. The rock is in flight.

Almost immediatly I regretted my decision. What if......... But that was MY rock right? My chance to defeat Goliath or at least bring him down a peg or two. It is too late to go back now. I took the chance and I am standing up for myself and for what I believe needs to be said. Is this what Jesus would have done? Is this what He would have wanted me to do? Is He proud of the decision I hummed and hawed over for so long? I am not too sure, but I really hope that the answer is yes.

Do I regret letting that rock start to depart from my grasp? Yes, but at the same time I think that I am feeling pretty good about myself for finally standing up for what I believe. For saying what I needed to say. It may sound crazy but I wish that little piece of paper luck and I hope that I am not walking around on glass for believing in myself.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Always the Right Timing....

I find that whenever I am stuck and confused I always get a message that relates to what I am thinking. Scott's message today was one that hit the spot for me. I took that rock and I will hang onto it. Just when I think Goliath is going to win I get a sign to keep fighting and for sticking up for myself. I was told though to pick my battles carefully and learn how to play the politics game. I am getting it now. Breaking Goliath down. I don't really think that I am sinning or anything but I do have my Goliath.

Also I was reading another blog sight and in it there was a message that I think was meant for me to read. It read as it was God speaking to you saying "I love you. I'm so glad you're my child. I'm so glad to be your God. I love the way you look. I love the way you think. I'm also glad you're in the world". Thank you God. I am glad to be God's child. I am glad that He loves the way I llok even though I don't. I am thankful that He loves the way I think even though I second guess it sometimes because I am being influenced in some way.

It just seems to work out that whenever I am struggling with something my pastor just happens to be saying the right words on that Sunday. It just happens that all the songs are the ones that I need to hear, that I need to sing and that God needs to hear me praise. I am so thankful for everything in my life and I say so all the time. Even though everything may be going to the dogs I always get what I need. It always seems to be the right timing.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

"Isn't it Ironic"?

Does anyone out there know the song by Alanis Morisette entitled "Ironic"? Well it sure does apply to me right now.

Yesterdays blog was about Murphy's Law (somewhat) and how it seems to be pertaining to my life in the past little while. Well........ at ten to four today I go to leave work for a doctor's appointment. I went out to where I parked my car. It wasn't there. Yep STOLEN!!! Now that is IRONIC! I stoof there for a few minutes like an imbecile(sp?) trying to wonder if I had actually parked my car in that specific spot. It must have looked pretty darn funny - I tell you. I was standing there in the pouring rain with a dumb look on my face. I went inside and called my husband Phil. Did you come and pick up the car? He responded no why? I said then it was stolen. My boss saw it out there when she came in today at 8:30 am and one of the other girls that started at 2 saw it out there where I left it. But when I went out there it was gone. I started laughing. It was all I could do to stop from crying. The adreniline was taking over. I was delerious. Now the tears came just because I was SO frustrated. Needless to say that I didn't make my doctors appointment and I have to get off early tomorrow to try and make it again. Wait a minute, I can't! No car. Yes we do have a second vehicle but it is in Phil's name and when he insured his truck he wasn't even thinking. He put on that special insurance where if you haven't had your liscence for ten years or more you can't drive the vehicle. Yep you guessed it. I have only had it for nine! I can't even back the darn thing out of the driveway. Murphy again!!!

Darn that Murphy?

Anyone else up there getting a kick out of this???????????

Monday, November 22, 2004

Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law:
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
I learnt that from my photography teacher in highschool. Lately I have tended to add two words: to Misty. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself but it just happens that way sometimes.
I have been looking for a new job for a while now but not wanting to settle for a fast-food job, I apply anywhere but. And I haven't found a job why........... Yep high standards. It is so hard not to have them about yourself and your life. I am the type of person that has to have all the answers right away and will "jump the gun" even before it has gone off. A few people at work are fortunate enough to be getting out of there but nope- not me. My husband says that God has a reason for me to be there still. Yeah it's all a game to Him I said, just because I am so frustrated. People are able to afford a new house, mine costs over $700 dollars a month towards someone else's morgage. Some get a new car, mine has a mind of it's own with a list of things that need to be fixed way too long to post. Oh and to top it off it doesn't look the best either. Someone I know is going to Mexico again, second time in a year and a half, which seems like a lot to me, with my idea of going to Mexico consists of going to white rock on a day that is actually warm enough that you won't have to wear a jacket.
Maybe I am supposed to be at my job for a little longer. My latest thing has been doing some soul searching. It took a while but I think that I am finding it. maybe if I wasn't there still I wouldn't even be thinking about soul searching. I love kids and want to be able to work with them. Become a nanny? I still want to go to school too. But can I afford to be a nanny and take a pay cut to do something that I love to do that won't stress me out and have me cry over almost everyday? The fact that I can't afford a house yet - I have a roof over my head, family and friends that love me and a relationship with Jesus that I am struggling to develope stronger with each chance that I can. I have Jesus in my heart. The car - it gets me from point A to point B (barely) and it fits my "niece" nicely. It is also totally paid off too so no worries about a lease payment or a loan payment there. Mexico - I may get there one day but memories can be made anywhere.
I know that there are worse things that could happen in regards to Murphy's Law but I am thankful that it hasn't.
I am reading a book by Phil Callaway called "Making Life Rich Without Any Money". When I first got the book I thought - yeah right, bring it on, I want to know this secret. The secret - Letting Jesus into your heart and knowing that He will take care of you. I am working on that. Why bother stressing out? I will still be here tomorrow and the specific probelm that has ailed me today may or may not still exist but why bother stressing myself out to the point that I am so sick I can't move? Probably cause I am only human and the little fact of doubt and uncertainty still lingers in the back of my mind. It is so hard to let it up and trust that what is happening may be happening all for a reason.
A teenagers suicide note to his parents said this "You gave me everything to live with, and nothing to live for" (Phill Callaway - Making life rich without money). Makes you think doesn't it? I have so much to live for that I can't even begin to list it all without boring each and everyone of you (if I haven't done so already).
I thank God that I have so much to live for and so many people in my life that love me and care about me. So I guess what I am trying to babble about here is that "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" - if you let it.

Friday, November 19, 2004

T'is the Season

Now this may make me sound like I am a real scrooge; but contrary to what follows, I really do love Christmas. Except for:
1) the long line ups
2) grumpy shoppers that push past you in such a hurry you think Christmas is tomorrow
3) busy parking lots
4) long line ups
5) kids screming so loud because they want to be there as much as they want a tooth pulled
6) christmas inflation of prices
7) the pressure of finding the "perfect" girft
8) thinking you are all done then remembering that one person you saw last Christmas
9) arguing over who gets to go to moms for christmas this year

When did Christmas get so out of hand? What ever happened to the story of Christmas? What about just getting together for the company rather than the fact that it is Christmas and you should have so and so over at least once this year. I do wish that it could just be about watching a child's eyes light up at the sight of a christmas tree or seeing santa and wanting to make sure they get to sit on that ever popular knee. I am looking forward to watching my best friend's little girl grow up and showing her what christmas is supposed to be about for real. I can't wait to see her eyes sparkle when she looks up at the christmas tree or when I can see the smile on her little face as she is all bundled from the bitter cold waiting for the end of the parade so she can see santa. I can't wait for her to know about the meaning of christmas and why it is so celebrated even though it may have been lost over the centuries.
I think that christmas is really starting to get out of hand. I like to do it for the kids. Having dinner with family and being around those that help to retell the story of Christ.
So I say BAH HUMBUNG to all the hustle and bustle that seems to be Christmas, although I am a part of that crazy crowd. I know that my eyes still sparkle and dance at the sight of the bright lights and yes I still do get so excited that I can't sleep and I am sick to my stomach, but I think it is all due to the fact that I am going to be with those that I care about. (and you still have to have the heart in your throat that there just might be snow when you wake up christmas morning.)
So be brave and go into the abyss we call the mall this year and remember something that I almost forgot. It isn't about how great the gift may or may not be, it's the thought. Remember that love is all you really need and don't forget the real reason we celebrate.
So Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


Lately it seems that I have had a new outlook on things. I DO NOT CARE!! No one else really cares so why should I? I give my all yet no one notices and it isn't appreciated. It used to really bug me and I let it. Yet when I start thinking that no one acknowledges me and what I do I am reminded of Matthew 6:5-8. Also I am reminded that doing good deeds without the recongnition(sp?) from fellow men is better than getting a pat on the back. For when "your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." (Matthew 6:4). I know I am quoting phrases and verses but when I read these specific ones they really stuck in my head. I don't know the bible - far from it - but I am learning. So technically I should be thinking of these thoughts when I start getting down and letting things control my life and the way that they make me feel. I am not trying to preach here because I am not the right person to be doing so at all. Just what is on my mind. So I guess what I am trying to figure out is how in the world do I remember these these thoughts when it really seems to matter. When I have the time to sit down and think I remember simple things like this, but at the specific time that I need to remember them it skips my thought. This may make me seem like a hypocrite but I don't believe I am. I am slowly starting to learn not to care what others think of me and wether or not the things that I am doing will be acknowledged by someone. The only judgment that matters is our Father's right?? I have a family and friends that love me no matter how "fat" I feel or how lost I am. I have a roof over my head and God in my heart. So to everything else: I DO NOT CARE. I don't want to be the kind of person who becomes a robot and conforms to what society wants me to be like and act like but it is so hard not to get trapped in those ugly long talons. With each day it feels like I am becoming a shell of my past self. No spark is left in my eyes and my ambition is gone. Okay now I care. How is it possible to let myself be sucked dry and empty? God help me to be strong and not to become who I am not.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

David VS Goliath

You may have grown up hearing about David and Goliath but for myself I finally heard that wonderful story about four years ago (maybe more). Just recenlty I have begun to see what and who Goliath actually is. Everyone has their own Gloiath. There may be one of them or there may be more. I only seem to be facing one of them right now. However, unlike David I am not as brave. I feel like going into a corner and hiding from Goliath and letting him tower over me and keep looking down on me. Letting Goliath win. I guess my battle has only started.

I think that just recently I have picked up that stone. I am so nervous and scared, but one thing I can say is that I am trying to stand up for myself against this giant.

I can't help thinking what if..........

I loose my job
Things get worse
People start disrespecting me

My husband told me not to worry about it and that we will handle whatever may come our way. Let God take care of it. There is that Pawn again. It's my move. I wish that I could have the bravery like David showed but I realize that I can only ask that God may help me to be strong and know that things will work out. I just wish that God could give me some kind of a hint that I am doing what is best for me and that I am not messing anything up. (too severly) It is so hard to let Him take it under control. The whole uncertainty thing is tending to weigh a little more. I just need to let my trust in Him take over.

So, with a shaky hand and a loose grip I still hold onto this rock. Saying a little pray. Goliath is so much stronger and bigger than me but I can't let him win anymore.

Monday, November 08, 2004

God's Pawn?

I have heard good things about this whole blogging experience yet I am still unsure. I always figured that no one needs to read about my problems because they are so petty compared to what others are going through. However, I need someone to talk to so here I am. I know, I know, I have my husband and my best freind who are always there to listen and provide advice, but they have to right? It's in the contract? Well, here goes........
You ever notice that when you are happy and everything is going well you don't have the time to sit and think aboout yourself? You don't want to waste those good feeling moments? Yet here I am. So you guessed it! Everything is going GREAT and I have nothing wrong in my little world. (can you say SARCASM???)
I've been noticing that I am having a really hard time at work lately. I know I shouldn't let myself get stressed out and have it rule my life, but even though I know better, it does. I just feel like I can't take the stress and I am going crazy. I don't like what this stress is doing to me and the thoughts that flutter around in my head. Albeit they are small useless thoughts but they are still there to scare you and make you think. I really need to get out of my job yet I can pray and pray but still know that tomorrow I will be waking up going to the same job that makes me feel so useless. I know that tomorrow could be the day I get a phone call for an interview but I still don't believe it. Ever feel like you are just one of God's pawns in a little game that He is enjoying playing with you? I do. I know I shouldn't because He doesn't give us anything we can't handle right? Yet I can't handle it anymore! God wants me there for a reason still right? I just wish I really knew what that reason was. Enough is Enough. No more games. I know - patience right? It is so hard when it keeps running so thin. Now I think I need to just sit here and wait and pray that the next move isn't a check mate that will trap me for so much longer.
Well, thanks for listening and I hope I make some sense. Sorry for boring anyone and making myself sound so hard-done-by. But you know what? I think I do feel a little better!!