Tuesday, September 17, 2013

today is a struggle

I have put on weight because of my poor eating choices lately. So my brain is telling me to not eat. That I NEED to not eat. I know it is distorted thinking and wrong but it is so damn loud.

I have done a workout Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I was thinking of taking the day off today but feel a lot of guilt. Not sure what to do. I hate this part of the journey. But I am sure one day I will look back and never have to deal with it again.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

well today was the day

Did my first 5K run.
The Terry Fox run.

I finished in 31min 15.9sec

I am so proud of myself. Next goal is the Run for the cure. Hoping to get it done in 30 minutes! I am so proud of myself and happy I did it!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

the day before the run

so tomorrow I do the Terry Fox run. It is 5K and it is only a fun run but still WHY am I nervous?

I have a time goal set in my mind. I want to be able to do it in at least 45 minutes. We will see what happens. I have taken the past couple days off of running.

Last night the dreams made me laugh. I was dreaming about riding a street bike. Racing with it. Eventually I would love to get in to running a real race. Riding in a real race.

I kind of feel like the night before Christmas. Restless sleep last night. But off to do spin this morning and weight class. That is one of my favorite combinations. My other favorite combination is when I spin then train after class.

The day starts at 8am tomorrow.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

I need to remember this one

"Hey, you remember that dessert you "shouldn't have eaten last night" or or that piece of bread "you KNOW will go straight to your thighs" or that second drink you had, but "you will regret tomorrow"?

Yeah, you remember....NOW forget about it, move on, nothing to see (or dwell on) here.

Don't replay a "not so ideal" eating choice over and over again in your mind.
Don't try to use regret or guilt as motivation.
Don't dwell. Your past is done! The time is NOW! The only food choice that matters, is your next one, the only one you have complete control of.

Remember your long-term health and weight loss goals, think about your way of eating values, and don't bother about damage control.

YOUR purpose and reasons for creating a sustainable way of eating should always be remembered, even in times of "falling off the wagon."

You will NOT self-sabotage your goals and/or values with one poor choice.

You will GROW and become STRONGER from using every choice as an opportunity to become healthier." -- The Cafe Wellness

Friday, September 06, 2013

Rest days

So yesterday was my rest day from the gym. But I did my run. The trainer and I have talked about lining up a new goal in regards to my running. She has helped guide me with getting better at running. I am now doing a 5 minute run, one minute walk type thing. Doing a total of 15 minutes. I find that I can run further too when we do that.

I am so thankful for my trainer who knows what she is doing. She is more then just a trainer. She has education in nutrition, muscles etc. She knows what is going on and how to take care of me. She knows how to help me reach my goals and do it the safe way.

this morning is a rough morning as Aurora was up for 3 hours in the middle of the night so I am missing the run. But time to go to the gym and do my thing. I really love the gym. My trainer is amazing and although a lot of people have advice I listen to her.

going away this weekend and kind of bummed that I will not be working out. But there is a gym at the hotel so who knows ;)

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

I am in shock

Today was my weigh in. I went in thinking that I didn't make it as last week I was 195lbs. There was no way I was going to make the 190lb healthy goal weight by the end of the month.

I begrudgingly took my shoes off and stepped up on the scale. Of course I went to the bathroom before doing so as well. Must shed as much weight as possible. I came in at 190.5lbs.

Upon starting the training session my trainer asked me how I was doing and if I have weighed myself recently. I told her yes. She asked me the result. I told her. She was very happy for me. Looking at me she said, "and how do you feel about this?" I looked up at her (we were passing the medicine ball while I was doing situps) and said, I don't think you would really want to know. She told me she did. I told her that the old thought pattern goes through my head. That I failed. That I didn't make it. I failed by half a pound. She looked at me and told me that I needed to try to focus on the fact that I have lost a lot of weight that month and that you can see my toning. I told her she was right. In the back of my mind I tried to push the "failure" out of my mind. I tried to tell myself that I really am doing well.

Once the training session ended we went in for the "Official" weigh in. Are you ready for it.......I came in at 190.0lbs. The real scale that we used told me I reached my goal. I stood there looking at it. She said, "look at what that says, you did it!" then gave me a high five. We talked about my food log, about the goal for next month's weigh in (losing another 5lbs, down to 185lbs) and what body fat percent we wanted to see me at.
Then as we were talking it was sinking in. I kept staring down at that number she wrote. 190.0lbs. 190. 190. 190. it was real. I made the goal. Then it started to sink in and I looked at her with a smile on my face and said, "I really did it." She told me I should be proud of myself. I told her it was a struggle but yes I was proud of myself. I lost the 7lbs in the month. I asked her if that was good and she said it absolutely was.

We are our own worst critics and I find myself being over critical. As I was leaving it was sinking in. I accomplished the monthly goal. I am proud of myself. I did it! Now where is the cheesecake???

went over my measurements taken today. So I was down 7lbs since August 7. I am down a total of 5.5" as well. No going up this time.
Right Biceps: -.5"
Right Thigh: -2"
Chest: -.5"
Belly Button: same
Waist: Same
Hips: -2"
Right calf: -.5"

Monday, September 02, 2013

It's been a while...........

Wow, it has been a while. Since January a lot of new things have been happening. I joined the gym in April. This photo from February is me at my heaviest weight of 223lbs. I am 5'9" tall.

all of a sudden I looked at myself and I was repulsed. I don't even know how I let myself get to this stage. My friend Meggin wanted to join a gym. So I went and looked in to it with her. We found Fitwells. That gym has made a complete difference in my life.

I started with not knowing how to use any of the machines. I started by looking like a fool in the classes. After about a month and a half I was paired up with an amazing trainer, whose name I will keep out of here for privacy issues and respect for her. I started working with her once a week. See I have this eating disorder where I don't eat unless I am around other people. It took me a long time to admit that it was an eating disorder. My counsellor was the one to convince me of that and that it is a form of anorexia. I always thought anorexia meant skinny, tiny people. But no. It is having a distorted view on eating. I would eat when I was around others and then not eat when I was alone so I could hide my weight. So I could hide that I was too fat and didn't want to eat. With the work of my trainer I started to eat every two hours.

This is me when I first joined the gym.......

I was 223lbs. This is a takini but I tucked the top up. I had two babies and didn't do anything to lose the weight I had gained. I also was not eating properly.
Once joining the gym I started to lose the weight fast but my brain kept telling me it was not fast enough and I should stop eating as well. But with the guidance and wisdom of my trainer I knew it was not proper thinking and I needed to combat that.

Last month I weighed in at 197.5lbs. That is down 26.5lbs. And I am doing this the healthy way. I weigh in on Wednesday and will post the results then.

The thing is that this is not an easy journey for me. In the beginning I really struggled to get to the gym three times a week. I kept telling myself that it is only 4% of my day. That I can do this. I started with the hour long classes. Then eventually it got to feeling like it was not enough. I moved up to five days a week. 1-2 hours a day. That still felt like it was not enough so I added another day. I was doing six days a week up until this last week.
I started to feel like I couldn't get through my workouts and my trainer advised me that my body was telling me it was too much. So I am going back down to five days a week. The thing is that I have started to run as well in the mornings. The days that I run on I feel SO much more energetic and better. I only do about 2kms right now but am building myself up to 5k. I have signed up for the CIBC run for the cure. Raising funds to help find the cure for breast cancer.
I have also started doing cycling classes at the gym called spin classes. I am addicted. LOVE LOVE spinning. I go three times a week. I also have a desire to do the bike for the cure as well. However, I would need a bike and would need to raise $2500 for the ride. It goes from Vancouver BC, down to Seattle WA. 200miles. How cool would that be!

My very first run is the Terry Fox run this month on the 14th. Going to try to do the 5k portion of it. Going to do my training and just try to get as far as I can the best I can.

This is not an easy journey but I am enjoying the journey to better my health and my body. I want to be sculpted. I want to be fit. I want to be in shape. Just this morning I was able to wear my size 13 clothes. I was a 16, pushing higher, back in April. Some days I don't SEE the difference but then I get confirmations like this. Or my wedding ring spinning on my finger easier. Just the little things. Having people come up to me at the gym and compliment me. I am trying to better myself to be an example for my family. For my children.

This is not easy at all. I struggle daily. This week has been very very poor food wise. I just feel like I can't do it. I just have to keep trying. I think a part of getting fit physically is going to have to include me getting better mentally as well. So that journey will start soon as well.

I am excited for this journey. You are welcome to join me for the ride. But be prewarned. It is not pretty. I do feel like I fail. I do get down on myself but I try to always pick myself back up. Gotta keep taking it day by day and keep pushing through. This will be worth it.

Stay tuned for updates on my runs and on my progress. Weigh in on Wednesday and new pics to come. I am excited! Won't you join me for the ride?

Saturday, January 05, 2013

Talking with God

So last night I was having a restless time trying to fall asleep. I was trying to pray and was having a very very difficult time. So I just lay there trying to listen. Hearing nothing. I feel so out of touch with God.

Then when I finally fell asleep I had a dream. It included the song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia. Now I have not heard that song in a long long time. I know the song is about a guy but it really makes me wonder.

The chorus goes as follows:
"I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn"

Now of course this is not all literal but more so hypothetical. Although yes I feel like I am out of faith. I feel torn in so many ways. Torn in my faith, in not finding the right church or hearing the right sermons. Lying naked on the floor, more alone on the floor, cold and exposed to the world. I feel like I don't know who God is anymore. I feel like I have pushed Him away. Now that I am trying to reach out I feel like I am being ripped apart. Needing Him, wanting Him, but not feeling Him. Not hearing Him.

I am going to include the link to the song because my brain can't even put it all together yet. I just feel so torn inside. Maybe God is trying to tell ME something?


full lyrics:

I thought I saw a man brought to life He was warm, he came around like he was dignified He showed me what it was to cry Well you couldn't be that man I adored You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for But I don't know him anymore There's nothing where he used to lie My conversation has run dry That's what's going on, nothings fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light To crawl beneath my veins and now I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn You're a little late, I'm already torn. torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie My inspiration has run dry That's what's going on, nothings right, 'Im torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Illusion never changed into something real I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel I'm cold and Im ashamed bound and broken on the floor Youre a little late, I'm already torn