Tuesday, January 31, 2006

All connected

I had a friend ask me something. "isn't it cool how God meshes our lives together with others?"
Stop. Think about that for a second.
How cool is that hey? How cool is it that God brings us into the lives of people, wether it be through praying for someone, holding their hand in the hospital, sitting and talking or just reading things they write in blogs.
How cool is it that He finds a way for His family to mesh together and be there for one another even though they may be continents away. Even though I may not know you we all have something in common. A Father that sent His son for us. A Father that loves us deeply and without abandon.
That is the best thing to have in common with someone else. No matter where you live in this world there is a special common connection.
Some of these people that He brings into our lives may have helped us start our journey with more force then before. Some may be battling for us and with us currently. Some may have only been in our lives for a short time. For a season but the impact that they may have made would have lasted a life time. Some may just be those that are going to be there for us forever. It all works out for His purposes. For His glory.
We are the body. We connect as one to provide what He gives us. Love, hope, strength. When we are weak and feel like we can't carry on He gives us those that are willing to hold up our hands. (Ex. 17:12)
It just blows me away at how small our world really is. For the simple reason that we are all connected. We are all meshed together in His protective netting. Wow God. You amaze me.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Psalm 46:10

This has come to me today. I did not remember the name of where to find the passage or the number. This particular line came into my head today. "Be still, and know that I am God..." I am sure that I know why. I am sure that I have ignored that specific sentence for a while. However, today God seems to be reiterating that into my head.
Sitting down to think on it I have come to realize that there have been many times, this past year especially, in which God has been telling me to slow down. To be still. To know Him.
I have felt a longing to understand Him more and understand what He loves about me. This time last year I had a wakeup call. A call that told me it was time to slow down. I didn't see it as a sign like that until many months later. In the midst of it all I stood and yelled at Him. I screamed at Him, blamed him. Blamed myself. Then while I was taking the time needed I found myself apologizing to Him and searching for Him. Drinking out of the cup that He held out to me with patience.
The past little while I have heard that whisper again. The shhh... followed by being told to slow down and be still. To trust Him completely. I tell you that it is the hardest thing that I have been learning to do. With each circumstance learning that it is ok and that this is all happening for a reason.
I got a speeding ticket. Yeah, now that will tell you to slow down. I hurt myself at work. Then heard that little voice in my head that whispered, slow down my child. Then as I felt my world around me spiraling out of control I got wrapped up in it all. Panicked. Lost control, that wasn't mine in the first place. Let the noise become so loud that I missed the whisper. Now I hear it. Not just a whisper. The calling to slow down. The calling to relax and be still and know that He is God. Know that He has everything in His control.
I have found with the pregnancy that it is teaching me to be patient. Although some of you may laugh at that specific statement. My body is taken over by an alien! A little bean that needs the time to grow. If I am not patient with that then the end product would not be complete. If I had a way to rush it then it would be too soon. God's magnificent work wouldn't be able to fully come circle the way that He has planned. So once again I am being taught to slow down.
I fight that feeling all the time. I lose. I know I do. Yet the controlling part of me needs to believe that I can do it. Then He whispers. "Stop. Relax. Let me take this burden from your shoulders."
As soon as I let Him take that burden, that stress, it was literally like a load of bricks were taken from my shoulders. His loving arms lifted them from me and carried them away to a place where I didn't have to feel crushed. I put myself through it. I get stuck. I don't realize it until it is pointed out to me. God has His subtle ways of pointing things out for me. So that I get myself unstuck. Pulled out of the mud puddle I sink further into. Once I am still long enough and slow the struggle within me I don't sink as fast. I get pulled from out of that muck.
I have been off of work now for a week. Doctor put me on a medical leave in regards to my back and the pregnancy. I thanked God when that happened. I can now focus on the baby. On preparing my heart and home for a future. Yet, do you think I have? No. To be honest I don't think I have. I don't think that I have taken the time to just stop. I have been looking for a way to make sure that I am in some way bringing some kind of income into the home. I don't need to. There is that control issue again. God has granted me the opportunity to just sit back and enjoy what He has given me. Yet I fight. Fighting a battle that I won't win because it is not what God wants of me right now.
Right now I feel that He needs me to sit back. To be still. To know who He is. My Father. My Savior. My Romancer. My Redeemer. My God. It feels good to be loved. If feels good to be sitting here and making a resolution in my heart to just be still. To let myself not be in control. My control is futile as opposed to what He can do for me. I can't wait to just let Him speak to my soul. To my heart and to be ready and willing to hear it. To accept it. With open arms. With a gracious heart.
Thank you Lord for this reminder this morning. I am opening my heart, my ears and my soul. To be filled more completely with you. To have you to quench this thirst. I am ready to be still.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Today's My Utmost (needed to read that!)


Do not worry about your life . . .
—Matthew 6:25



A warning which needs to be repeated is that "the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches," and the lust for other things, will choke out the life of God in us ( Matthew 13:22 ). We are never free from the recurring waves of this invasion. If the frontline of attack is not about clothes and food, it may be about money or the lack of money; or friends or lack of friends; or the line may be drawn over difficult circumstances. It is one steady invasion, and these things will come in like a flood, unless we allow the Spirit of God to raise up the banner against it.

"I say to you, do not worry about your life . . . ." Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing-our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, "That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink." Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.

"Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" ( Matthew 6:34 ). How much trouble has begun to threaten you today? What kind of mean little demons have been looking into your life and saying, "What are your plans for next month— or next summer?" Jesus tells us not to worry about any of these things. Look again and think. Keep your mind on the "much more" of your heavenly Father ( Matthew 6:30 ).

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Getting closer....

and the closer the day gets the more excited I become.
There is a car seat installed in my car. (I know it is early yet but I want to check with the fire department that it is done correctly) There's a crib in the spare room. There is a dresser with some baby clothes in it. There is a swing. A rocking chair. All little sized. All make me giddy.
All I need now is a baby. I am getting so excited. Looking in my rear view mirror I saw the car seat and smiled.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I uploaded more pregnancy photos

I have them both under the My Flickr link or the My Fotos link. Just in case one is better then the other for you fellow bloggers. Although Flickr seems to move a lot faster then Fotopages. Just a heads up...
I did post the last picture on L.B.'s site too. Thanks for the idea for him Payton.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Monday, January 23, 2006

Since I was little

I always loved nature. The sounds. The sights. The beauty. The birds singing, the lakes trickling and the sun hitting the clouds just right. I have also been teased. Told I wasn't good enough. That I never would be. Some of those thoughts have stayed with me. I still love nature and would rather be outside anytime then in the most expensive building. I still tend to believe the lies that were thrown my way about me.
I have learned something. That since I was little God was there.
I didn't believe growing up. It wasn't something we discussed in our home. It was shrugged away. I adapted the same belief that people were crazy when they talked about this God person. How could One make all this? Now I know the truth. I know how God created the Earth. How He created me and everyone else for that matter. I learned that from the beginning I was being Romanced. Although I didn't believe in Him He believed in me. He loved me. Unfortunately Satan knew of my existence as well. He knew what to use to hurt me. To give me pain.
Those moments that I enjoyed in His great outdoors were times when God was romancing me. Calling me to His arms. To be held close to His heart because He loved me. He wanted me. He chose me. I didn't choose Him until later in life. But like a romantic He kept pursuing me.
So did Satan. He threw the arrows into my heart. Into my soul. With me believing all the time that it was me. It was all my fault. That I would never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worth it for someone. The arrows that shot into my being hurt me so deep. I would break off the ends and then just keep going. With the head of it buried in my side. In my heart but I didn't fight it. Why bother? I would just lose. They were right. How wrong was I!
The thing that blows me away is that even though I didn't have an interest or a desire in God or knowing Him, He wanted me to come to Him. That even though I was not aware there was a battle for my heart going on. A secret battle that was being won with the arrows. The lies and the deceit. That since I was a child I was worth it to Him. That He would continue to fight for me. He would continue to romance me and never would give up on me.
The arrows that I had just broke off would soon start to fester and become infected. Thankfully I found the One who was searching for me before it was too late for my heart.
From day one He was in my life. He was showing me how much He loved me and I didn't even know. I didn't know that these beautiful things were created by my Father in Heaven for me.
I now have looked at things differently the last year. I remember a young child that I was watching look up to me and say, look at those beautiful trees. God made those. Wow. From the mouth of babes. Such innocent purity that knew why those trees were there. Why they reached for us. I looked down at that little boy and a smile came across my face and I thanked God for him. For the eyes of a child that helped to open my eyes a little more that day.
I had spent many days by the river. It became my new spot to sit and be with God. I would have a bad day and I would go running to the river. The arrow protruding from my side and dripping with hurt, pain and oozing with hate. I would sit on my blanket and listen to worship. Enjoy the nature. Look out across the water. He would nurse that wound and heal me.
I remember one day the emotion of it all took over. I found myself thanking God. That He made this for me. That He loved me enough to show me that love. That desire to want to have me close to Him.
So I guess what I am saying is that since I was little I have been in a battle for my heart. It still continues, and will continue, to this day. Now though I know which way to run. I know the surgeon that will pull these arrows from within me and slowly start the healing process with a gentle hand. I am worth it. I have been since I was little. Since the day that He created me. He knew when I would come to Him. He knew that I would love Him so much that it hurt. He knew. Makes me kinda giddy and blows me away. So amazing.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Jesus take the Wheel

(First of all let me start off saying I am not sure if someone had already written about this in their blog or has talked about it but this is really something that I just can't stop thinking of this morning.)

Jesus Take The Wheel. Four simple words. Four words that can change your life and where you are headed.
Heard a song this morning that has totally sent my wheels spinning. The title of that song is those four simple words. How many times have I said those words? Yet I say them but still cling to the wheel white knuckled refusing to let go. Crying out to Him but not seeing Him take the wheel. I realized that in order for Him to take it over for me then I have to let go. I have to drop the need to control the situation. I have to trust Him completely and fully - 100%. After all He is the one that can get me out of any situation. As I peel my fingers away from the wheel that I claim to have so much control over I feel His gentle hands guiding and taking over.

A lot lately I have been uttering words along those lines. I can't do this on my own, help me.
I am tired of it, You take it.
You take this from my hands and guide me back to the safety of Your arms.

Yet all the while still fighting. This time I let go. I can tell you that it is such a freeing, relaxing feeling knowing that I have trusted Him in this area of my life and that He will guide me to where I can stop. Not trying to worry about it I would shrug my shoulders and tell myself, God will do His will. I can't do anything to change it so why bother fighting it?

Has anyone out there been like me? Let go of that wheel of life only to try and grab it again. By the time I throw my hands back on it I see that His are already there. Pulling away my white knuckled fingers and just trusting Him and having the Faith I need to have in Him. I think that I am slowly learning to sit back and let Him take control. My control is only an earthly one that I think I have the power to manage. Where as His is such a higher spiritual control that not even myself can hope to achieve.
I am letting go of this wheel. I am asking You, Jesus, to take control. Take this wheel from my grasp and gently guide me. Bring me to the safety that you already see. That is it. I am done. I throw my hands in the air and ask you Lord, PLEASE, "Take the wheel."

This all came from the song I heard this morning. Yes it is country but bear with me. The message is unbelievable. I just can't shake it this morning. How much I needed to be reminded of this. How much I needed to be reminded of who was really in control. How much I have needed to just let go and quit being so darn stubborn. My wheels are going faster then I can handle. Time to slow down.

Jesus take the wheel
-Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Goin' home to see her Mama & her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So for now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus, take the wheel___
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Isaiah 40:29

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

At a loss for words

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those of you that know me well enough know that this is a rare time for me. To feel lost to words. Enjoy it. It rarely happens. I am sure my poor husband enjoys it. Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe it is the over processing of things on my mind but either way I am at a loss.
Actually I am not sure if it is just a loss for words. I almost feel too that I am lost and not listening when I need to be listening. Make any sense?
Last night during my wakeful period I took the opportunity to talk to God. Asked Him if there was a reason why I was awake specifically. Do You need me to pray Lord? Was a common question. Not sure I heard the answer. Then I even asked what I was doing wrong and why I couldn't get sleep. Right now as I am sitting here typing this I think I got my answer. I didn't do anything wrong persay. My back is keeping me up. So are my thoughts. Then the thoughts go into overdrive so to speak. Then you get frustrated cause you can't fall back asleep or asleep at all. Then that just makes matters worse.
In my heart I know and feel that I long to have more of God in me. Showing through me. To be confident in Him and to have the faith and trust in Him. Cause in actuality that is the safest place I can be. But for some unknown reason to me I fight it. Sometimes I am not even aware that I am doing so. I am pretty sure He knows that point that I fight with. He knows that I love Him and a part of me almost just needs to be broken and just to trust. I have been, and in my eyes am being, broken. With no other choice but to trust Him. To have that faith in Him. Why don't I feel it? Why is this a moment when I feel like I can't hear Him right now. I know He didn't go away. I know that He is still there and it hurts me to know that I am the one that is choosing the decision to not hear Him when I should seek Him in all I do. Maybe I need a hearing aid. Maybe a spiritual increase in volume. How the heck can I achieve that?
I know that not everyday will be spent on the tops of the mountain and a lot of days may just be spent in the valley. I am where He wants me to be. Just not where I thought I would be.
So, I guess I found something to write about. Maybe I am not as lost as I think I am. Scattered, yes, but I blame it on the lack of sleep and the pain when I breathe. I am just a big baby. Sometimes it would be nice just to shut my own thoughts and my brain off. To not need to think. To not have the words. I just find that such a lonely place to be.
Ok. Leaving now as I am sure I made no sense and I bored most of you. Hehehe. Time to not think.

Friday, January 13, 2006

The Battle

Closing my eyes I am lost
in a world of battle.
All around me the arrows
fly past my head and start
to bounce off the ground
in front of me, to
my left, my right and behind me.
I cower, afraid of what
move to make next.
Then I feel a hand in my
own and look to see
a shield being placed upon
my shaky arm.
Then my eyes drift upward as I feel
a helmet placed every so gently on my head
while arms around my waist place the breastplate
around my chest and fashioned with the belt.
Then placing a sword in my hand.
I look beside me and I
am no longer alone.
I have strength, love, wisdom
and compassion helping me
to take a stand that I need to.
The arrows continue to fly
but I am protected now
and forever with the help
of this unfailing armor.
Battle makes me weak but I
can now see that I am not alone.


Not too sure if that is the right word and whether or not it is too strong of while but right now when sleep wants to elude me that is what pops into my head.
Husband sound asleep on one side of me. Cat sound asleep on the other. Then there is me. Wide awake, mind on overload, trying not to toss and turn too much so that I don't wake them.
Sometimes part of me thinks it is "Mother Natures" way of preparing me for when the baby comes. Here, get used to no sleep now because it will be a rude awakening when he is here. When the pain and my mind are quiet enough to allow me to go to sleep it is welcomed. I know that there are people out there who get less sleep then me and I really don't know how they do it. Then of course it is like you keep playing catch up to try and recover those lost hours of sleep. Lying there with my eyes close I try not to think. That is when the thoughts flood in. The worries. The pain. Too afraid to keep moving about because I don't want to wake my husband. Laying there trying to get to sleep and then realizing that it just isn't working I get frustrated and want to fidget even more. Then when you get frustrated you start to think too much. You think too much you start to try to process things. Nothing should be processed at 2 in the morning! So I move to the recliner or the couch in hopes that there would be comfort there. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes not so much.
Ah...It's all good. Just got tired of laying in bed so thought I would write it all out. Time for some sleep. Time to know when to shut my brain up. It's just the beginning...

Thursday, January 12, 2006

So Exciting!

This is me at 27 weeks. Well, a day from. Please excuse the photo quality as my digital camera doesn't like indoor pictures. Now, here is the exciting thing:
A little earlier today I was cleaning in the kitchen when I felt a Braxton Hicks contraction. It was strong enough that I stopped and went "ooohhh..." The belly was as hard as a rock. Didn't last too long though. Got me all excited. I haven't felt this happy or excited in quite a while. I am still grinning. Won't be much longer!

"Your Name is safe"

This was the title of this mornings Our Daily Bread. For some reason this particular daily bread has struck me. Yeah, I get that a lot.

"There's an old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." It isn't true. Words can hurt us most of all. "

This is how the daily bread starts. If you were like me you probably said that little saying over and over in your head. In your heart and once in a while out loud to the "perpetrator". I had grown up saying that over and over. That no matter what their opinion of me didn't matter. While the insults flew, sometimes along with ice balls, and the snickers were heard. It is not until my later years as an adult where I have realized that it wasn't true. All those name calls, those insults, those laughs behind my back hurt. I cried when they were said only to be laughed at and teased more. I believed them. Idiot. I believed it. Stupid. Yep there is another one. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. I guess I am just writing this all out to acknowledge it myself.
To this day I will call myself names. Drives my husband nuts. I can't help it. It is a habit I had formed to protect myself. If I say it first then they don't have the chance to hurt me when they say it. Now that is a habit that sometimes I find way too hard to break. You know what, it hurts even when I say it. No matter your age, no matter what is said it always hurts when those words break our bones. They do.
I know, don't listen to them. They don't know you. What do you do though when that person is yourself. What do you do when you hear someone at work run you down and even though you try to be brave and let it roll it hurts you in your heart. We are all grown ups here. Yet a lot of us act like we are two. "I'm going to laugh at you right in front of your face just to watch you squirm. That is the fun part." Somehow those people always know the exact buttons to push.
I know what buttons to push in myself. Maybe if I keep pushing them then one day they would just wear out? Doesn't seem to be the case. It just hurts those that love me. It hurts them to see and hear me run myself down. How do you get rid of those old tapes? The ones that play over and over telling you that you are no good. That you are worthless even though the people that love you the dearest would never say those things to you.
I guess I am just ranting and rambling on here. However, the daily bread really made me think. My favorite part was the end.

"As a little child once put it, "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. Your name is safe in their mouth."
You and your name are safe with God. - David Roper "

I just think that is the most awesome thing ever. That my name comes out of the lips of people who love me differently. Dripping with compassion, caring and love. That my name is safe. How much cooler is it even that in God my name is safe. That I am safe. You are safe. It is the love that we need to listen to, not the cold heartless whispers and sneers from those that think they are better then you and feel that they have the right to make fun when they don't. I know the truth deep down in my heart but it is so hard to get rid of that tape that plays over and over. I guess it is time to write over that tape with the words of love that are shared with me. With God's help I will be able to. God gives me these wonderful people in my life and I thank Him for them every day. The ones who in the end would do anything for you. That love you no matter how little you make, if anything at all. No matter what you look like in the morning, or how big you get during the pregnancy!! Ones that love you for who God had created you to be. Ones that love you for you. The good, the bad and the ugly. I am glad that there are some my name is safe with.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Today's Prayer

It is really amazing to me how real, how reliable and how awesome God is. Stressing and struggling a bit this morning. Trying so, so very hard to trust and to have faith in God. There is no point in my worrying, it will get me nowhere fast. Got this prayer out of my devotional today. Couldn't help but read it over and then say it out loud. He really does know my heart and as always, has the perfect timing. I am really honestly working on the who faith and trust thing and I am so glad that He is still there while I struggle to pull me through.
Thank you Lord.

"...Stop telling God how big your storm is, instead, start telling your storm how big your God is!
God, I know I'm guilty of thinking about a problem and feeling stress over it...when I should just "give it to you" and not let it bother me. You are my awesome and Almighty God who can calm the storm. I can only do so much, but You can do anything. Lord, please give me victory over the worries of living. I pray that from now on, I'll do the things I can and should do, then leave the rest up to You without stuffing worry in the back of my mind and letting it simmer and cause stress. Thank You for this wonderful reminder today. I love You. You know what I'm facing. You know my heart's desires, my needs, my concerns. I ask You to take it all into Your all-powerful hands, and work it all out to my good, my family's good, and to Your glory. In Jesus' precious name, the One who gave it all to save my soul, I pray. Amen."


Monday, January 09, 2006


I guess like so many others and like some previous posts I am using this as a venue to just speak.
I am frustrated. Feeling like I am failing. I know I am loved. I know this will all pass but yet I want to run and hide and just never come out.
I hurt my back at work and I know, I know, I am just a big baby but since going back it hurts more and more with every 4 hour light duty shift. I push through but when is it too much? Physiotherapist doesn't want me to even work anymore. Oh great, here we go again. Becoming a burden on our family. Phil works so hard and this, in my eyes, would just cause too much stress for him. Oh what to do.
I guess just not worry about it too much. Have faith that what will happen needs to happen. It is just so hard.
Time to go and talk to God.

Our crazy Cat Shelby.

This is Shelby. We think that she might think she is a dog. She will walk into the room, sometimes meow, and flop down onto her side on the floor. Then you reach down to pet her and she rolls onto her back for a belly rub. She stretches right out, like this other picture, and allows it. Then there are other times where you jsut look at her wrong and she runs. I think our cat has some issues. Then again, which cat doesn't??

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Feeling Lost

This morning I was reading Jeff's blog. In it he talks about becoming lost in a grocery store and being separated from his mom. Almost like being too proud to ask for help because he was four and was a big boy. The time came when he asked for help and someone was gracious enough to take him under their wing and help him to find his mom again. Then he reflects about running through his mind trying to find Him.

"I'm a big boy now and I'm not supposed to be lost, definitely not crying, but where are You? You were just here, and now I've let go of Your hand."

How scary is that feeling? You know the one, where you look around and realize that you are all alone. That the person was just there, God was just there, and it seems like all of a sudden in the midst of letting go of His hand we seem to have lost Him.
I lose Him. All the time. At least I think I do. I get caught up in the moment and lost into my own little world that it almost feels like I can't stop and just focus on Him and see Him standing there right beside me. Through the tears and the blurred vision I have lost my way. I am alone. I run from Him. Then I collapse and hide because all I want to do is be back in those arms that are safe. To be back holding the hand of The One who will get me through every situation.
With puffy tear streaked cheeks, a runny nose and a nasty headache I frantically search to find where I am. Only to find that once again I have lost my way. Once again I have lost the focus. However, He hasn't. he knows right where I am. Where are You Lord? I hear myself cry. Nothing. No answer. So I cry harder. Then all of a sudden I stop. Just cease the emotion within me and listen. Hear it? There it is... He's whispering, I am right here. Take my hand.
So, rubbing the tears from my face I reach back for Him yet I almost feel like the energy within me is gone. Then I feel it. A hand in my own. It isn't His hand yet, I have gone too far. I can still see Him in the distance holding it out to me. Then I turn to look and He has sent an Angel to guide me back to Him. An angel in disguise. Someone to hold my hand and lift me up when I need to find the strength back because I have now admitted that I can't do it on my own. The angel is surrounded by others that help me to move back towards my Daddy. To support me and guide me into the direction my heart longs to go.
Slowly we start to move. Together as one. We move to the Father. Who still stands there with His arms stretched out wide encouraging me to come. Then the pace picks up and the next thing I know we are running. I run right into His arms head on. He picks me up and holds me close while drying my tears. The fear runs through me. How many more times will You still hold Your arms out to me? Forever, He whispers. How many times will You bring me back to you? Forever, He whispers. Looking into His eyes I see that He had tears too. How many times will You cry for me when I am lost and searching? How many times will you care? Again, He looks me in the eyes and says, forever. There is no time restriction on the love I have for you.
You know, I ran from Him. I got distracted. I stopped and listened and I heard Him. Right there beside me. Although I was feeling lost He knew where I was all along. He stood with arms wide open, never getting tired, waiting for me to run back into them. It feels so much better when I can just stop and be in His arms. Just be with Him. Know that He has me figured out and that He is there to support me. He has me by the hand. He knows when I may fall, but still stoops to pick me up. He knows I may get angry yet He doesn't get mad, He just waits for me to calm down with my tantrum. I really couldn't ask for a better Father.

Thank you to each person that has been my angel in that dark and lonely place. Those that have been that light and taken my hand to lead me back to His. I hope you all know who you are. For being there when I was feeling lost.

Thank you Jeff for reminding me of that this morning. For reminding me that although I am lost someone is there to lead me home. A message I needed to hear. That He is still there even when I think He is not.

Thank you God for your Love. For your angels that you send into my life every day to keep my arms lifted in praise to You. To keep me from straying too far. Thank you for those special people in my life that love me and support me. The special ones that bring me into focus on You. I just can't thank you enough. I love you more then anything and thank you Jesus for dying for me. For keeping your arms wide open for my love. For not losing me when my gut wrenches in fear that I have lost you.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

"Count your many blessings...

...Name them one by one. And it will surprise you what the Lord has done."

Been thinking about this a little the past while. Actually a lot. Today needing to be one of those moments when it just needs to be written out. When I stop to think about all the blessings God has given me I am in awe. Sometimes I can't even think about them with fear that I would miss a couple. I am sure that I will.
I am so thankful and grateful for all that God has blessed us with. Even more thankful that I have seen it and can acknowledge it. I would like to share some of it with everyone.

My Blessings and things I am grateful for.

God - His wonderful grace and mercy. His love that He pours out to me and His support through all the times I fall on Him. His ever presence.

Phil - A blessing from God that has helped to make my life full. A man that always does his best for us. Works hard and is supportive in all I do. Loves me always.

Our Baby - What better gift could I ask for? Just that God has decided to bless us with a child is an amazement in itself.

Family - Helps through the tough spots. Loves with open arms.

Friends - Supportive. Those that lend ears when we need it and hold up our hands when we feel that we can't go on. They understand what we go through. Love us no matter what.

A Home - a roof over our heads that keeps us dry. A place filled with love and hope for the future.

Food - being able to put food on the table. Never going hungry.

Walks - taking a walk with those I love. Just enjoying one another's company and the beauty of God's work.

Church - a place where I can grow In God and worship Him with arms wide open. The community that I love to be around. My favorite days are Sunday's (Tuesdays also with bible study).

I do realize that there are things that I haven't written out. Some things that may have slipped my mind at this particular moment. It started out as a list. Started with numbers but quickly changed to deleting those numbers. Yes in my heart there may be an order but at the same time I just don't think there is enough ways to convey it all with just a simple number.
I am so grateful. The blessings that God has given us. The way that He provides. The love He has for me, one of His children, that will never fade. Today is definitely a day of reflection for me. Or maybe it is just a matter of the fact that I have made the time to sit and write it out.

Lord, you have blessed us in these times and I am so grateful. More then any of my words can express. The hard times will pass and I know that it will be because of you that I can get through them. I thank you for that Father. Thank you for all Your blessings. You continue to surprise me and blow me away. Still makes me feel giddy inside. I love You and thank You. You are amazing.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I Surrender - Ruban Studdard

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence daily live.

I surrender all, to you Jesus I surrender all, all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All I have I give to You (I'll give it to You)
I surrender all to You (everything I have)
I'll do what you want me to (what you want me do)
I'll give You everything
I surrender all to Jesus I surrender all
I give my self to thee
Fill me with a love and power that your blessing follow me
I surrender all
To you Jesus I (I surrender all)
All to thee, my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All I have I give to You
I surrender all to You
I'll do what you want me to
I'll give You everything
I surrender all to Jesus

All I have I give to You (all to you Lord)
I surrender all to You (I surrender all I have to you)
I'll do what you want me to (whatever you want from me)
I'll give You everything
I surrender all to You
I surrender all to You
I'll do whatever you want me to
Nothing else I'd rather do
With my life, Lord I'll serve you every day
Even when things don't go my way
Lord you can trust me to never straight, oh

Tough words to say. Tougher yet to do. The five hardest words that I would have difficulties with doing with my whole heart are in this song. They are "I surrender all to You". Those are some of the hardest words I find myself choking out. Yet I found myself on my knees crying them out to Him. Reaching to Him and saying it with my whole heart. I surrender all to You, all to You.
Sure, I can hang on but why? I need to keep the hope that things will work out and if I can just honestly start surrendering them all to God then I should be ok. Right? There is no one more powerful or more capable then our Father. No one who can help us through these tough times more when we just allow Him in and we surrender to His will. Surrender to Him.
This was a hard song for me to sing today. It meant so much. It hit me so hard. My knees hit the floor and every word resonated in my head and my heart. This past year has been one full of ups and downs. I am done with it. I give it over to Him. Sure it will not fully end right away. It may take weeks. Maybe months. The one thing that I seemed to grasp onto though today as I sang these words to Him from my heart is that if I can just surrender and hand them over to Christ then He will carry the burden with me. I was not meant to carry it alone. When my arms are tired I cry out to Him and He helps me to continue to hold them high in praise to Him. When I can just sit back and surrender it all to Him then I allow myself to allow Him to work in me and through me in ways that I never thought possible.
So, today I come before you Lord and tell you that I surrender. I ask for the forgiveness of hanging on, cause I know that is what humans do. But in those times I ask that you remind me that I have surrendered to You and that You have it in your control. I am Yours Lord. I give myself to you. I surrender.