Monday, January 23, 2006

Since I was little

I always loved nature. The sounds. The sights. The beauty. The birds singing, the lakes trickling and the sun hitting the clouds just right. I have also been teased. Told I wasn't good enough. That I never would be. Some of those thoughts have stayed with me. I still love nature and would rather be outside anytime then in the most expensive building. I still tend to believe the lies that were thrown my way about me.
I have learned something. That since I was little God was there.
I didn't believe growing up. It wasn't something we discussed in our home. It was shrugged away. I adapted the same belief that people were crazy when they talked about this God person. How could One make all this? Now I know the truth. I know how God created the Earth. How He created me and everyone else for that matter. I learned that from the beginning I was being Romanced. Although I didn't believe in Him He believed in me. He loved me. Unfortunately Satan knew of my existence as well. He knew what to use to hurt me. To give me pain.
Those moments that I enjoyed in His great outdoors were times when God was romancing me. Calling me to His arms. To be held close to His heart because He loved me. He wanted me. He chose me. I didn't choose Him until later in life. But like a romantic He kept pursuing me.
So did Satan. He threw the arrows into my heart. Into my soul. With me believing all the time that it was me. It was all my fault. That I would never be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough or worth it for someone. The arrows that shot into my being hurt me so deep. I would break off the ends and then just keep going. With the head of it buried in my side. In my heart but I didn't fight it. Why bother? I would just lose. They were right. How wrong was I!
The thing that blows me away is that even though I didn't have an interest or a desire in God or knowing Him, He wanted me to come to Him. That even though I was not aware there was a battle for my heart going on. A secret battle that was being won with the arrows. The lies and the deceit. That since I was a child I was worth it to Him. That He would continue to fight for me. He would continue to romance me and never would give up on me.
The arrows that I had just broke off would soon start to fester and become infected. Thankfully I found the One who was searching for me before it was too late for my heart.
From day one He was in my life. He was showing me how much He loved me and I didn't even know. I didn't know that these beautiful things were created by my Father in Heaven for me.
I now have looked at things differently the last year. I remember a young child that I was watching look up to me and say, look at those beautiful trees. God made those. Wow. From the mouth of babes. Such innocent purity that knew why those trees were there. Why they reached for us. I looked down at that little boy and a smile came across my face and I thanked God for him. For the eyes of a child that helped to open my eyes a little more that day.
I had spent many days by the river. It became my new spot to sit and be with God. I would have a bad day and I would go running to the river. The arrow protruding from my side and dripping with hurt, pain and oozing with hate. I would sit on my blanket and listen to worship. Enjoy the nature. Look out across the water. He would nurse that wound and heal me.
I remember one day the emotion of it all took over. I found myself thanking God. That He made this for me. That He loved me enough to show me that love. That desire to want to have me close to Him.
So I guess what I am saying is that since I was little I have been in a battle for my heart. It still continues, and will continue, to this day. Now though I know which way to run. I know the surgeon that will pull these arrows from within me and slowly start the healing process with a gentle hand. I am worth it. I have been since I was little. Since the day that He created me. He knew when I would come to Him. He knew that I would love Him so much that it hurt. He knew. Makes me kinda giddy and blows me away. So amazing.

1 comment:

Sue said...

amen! amazing post misty.