Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Feeling Blessed

and loved.

that is all.

this is a hard journey but one I am really truly ready to make and complete each step as I can. I am blessed during this journey. I am so thankful.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Uprooted and exposed

Went to a place to get some pictures today. While taking a couple pictures I looked down. To my surprise I saw a little bundle of small daffodils thrown in amongst some thorny bushes. The roots, bulbs and flowers were all exposed. It was like it was just chucked in there like a piece of garbage.

The beauty amongst the thorns.

you know the irony and the symbolism of this really got me. I have been uprooting memories and hurts to try to heal. My inmost life cells to the elements. To the thorns, cold and dark. Yet even though these little daffodils were exposed to the elements they kept growing. They were blooming against all odds. Just thrown in there like garbage.
Kind of gave me some hope that although my roots are being exposed and thrown about God will in turn help me to blossom through this.

I picked these guys up in my hands and carefully put them in the car. I brought them home and planted them in secure ground. Kind of makes me think that our Father God is picking me up in His safe hands. He is going to plant me and root me to grow in Him and prosper.
Even though I am kicking and screaming and scared, I am sure He MUST have a plan in all of this.

So we will see if the daffodils survive. We will see if I survive.

Monday, March 15, 2010


You know I have more then likely talked about this before but bear with me here because it is on my mind once again.

Surgery is painful. It hurts. It scars and sometimes takes a while to heal. I believe God is performing surgery right now. Trying to heal my heart of the bitterness I hold, the unforgiving parts of me, the hatred. The hurt, pain and tears. I have cried so many tears in the last few days that it is absolutely pathetic.

I find myself longing to be held when I cry. Longing to be held and told that it will be ok. Some of you may have had that as children. Some of you may be like me and not remember having any of that. So not remembering any of that, how can I imagine or feel God doing just that?

I want to do this surgery because I know it is good for my heart and my soul and my being. But I am so scared. So alone. So hurt. It is hard to be cut open. Wide open to bleed and be vulnerable. It needs to be closed and stitched to heal but I think right now God is slowly opening it up to reveal the muscles, the arteries and the blood. He poured the blood for us first. But to have my insides stretched out and raw is just painful.

Surgery sucks.

It has to be for the good - right?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

the truth is hard to hear

but then you start to wonder what is truth.

I have always been told I was stupid, ugly, dumb, and idiot and not worthy. Always. I am being told that it is not the truth. But that is so easy to believe. It has been ingrained in my mind since I was little.

Tonight I was told that I am a bit obsessive and overwhelming. That really hurt. The truth does hurt. But I was also told that given that information I will be strong enough to take it and make it work for me. Make me understand more. To calm.

So given both these major things it comes to the point where I start to wonder what do you believe? when do you believe it?

It hurts to know that I am overwhelming to people. It hurts to think of myself so stupid all the time. I can't hear what God is saying. I only hear what I have been told growing up. Man, I need to be completely rebuilt. How could God be pleased with THIS. With me?

the truth for me is that I am a failure. Everything I do I fail. Time to step away for a bit. We will see when I post again. I am enjoying posting again but at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm people.

I don't know where this is going. I don't even know where I am going. Maybe to bed. Honestly the thought of isolating just keeps coming strong. It would be so much easier. This battle is hard....

Saturday, March 13, 2010

No one said it would be easy......

but why does it have to be so damn hard!??!

Listening to praise music this morning Mercy Me's Hold Fast comes on. The line that I keep hearing over and over is "please do not let go, I promise you there is hope. Hold fast, help is on the way."
You know it really makes me wonder if God is trying to tell me to keep holding on. To keep fighting.

I have just felt like giving up and walking away from it all. Thinking that the struggle of NOT being a Christian would be "easier" then being one. But I really love Jesus and I don't want to leave Him. But dang it this sucks monkey butt!!

I have known time and time again that God is the greatest surgeon and healer. The hard part is that the memories are coming up. The memories I don't want to resurface. The memories that I have pushed for so long to keep down. The wall I have built up is being chipped away. The dam I have built against His ever flowing love is losing logs each day.

I am doing a conference that talks about soaking in God. Talks about the Father heart of God. I don't have a father that I can compare that to. I mean, they are talking about me not being able to do anything to lose His love. That He loves me. Last night was particularly hard.
The speaker kept saying "Pappa come, Daddy I am here." and "Daddy come". It was just so odd to hear it coming from a strangers lips. To hear someone else whisper Daddy come. I have a few friends that when praying for me they talk to Daddy. They tell me about Daddy and that is ok because I feel like it is safe on their lips and in their prayers. But this was a stranger and I sat there with me mouth clenched trying not to let my jaw drop.

Last night I was so tempted to run. I thought I sat in a good spot so that I could run if I wanted to. The whole time I am thinking, I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The tears fell freely. I was ashamed. Then what did God do? There was a pairs exercise. I thought, "WHEW! I can get out of this one", as I saw people pair up. I was totally ok with that. I didn't want to do it anyway because it was hard. I just wanted to be by myself. I was writing in my book to look up and see a lady standing in front of me. She asked if she could sit with me. I said sure. So she stooped down to sit on the floor with me. It wasn't until this morning that I realize it was God. Because that lady STAYED on the floor with me the whole time. I felt like I could no longer run.

The book that I am reading talks about how a woman had asked a pastor if she could just cry on his shoulder. He said you can but I would like to know why. She said it was because her dad died when she was a child and she missed the arms holding her when she was upset. The arms that held her telling her it would be ok. The safe arms.
Oh how I have longed for that! I have longed to just be held and to cry. To feel like I can do that and be safe. I remember in the hospital I did that to a friend. She came in, saw I was upset. Took her jacket off then sat on my bed and pulled me close. I just cried.

Right now in the midst of this heart surgery I have found myself wanting to lean in to people who have been praying for me. To just put my head down on one of their shoulders and just feel safe enough to cry. I am sure that a few of them would "let" me do that but there is a part of me that is afraid to show that vulnerability. How do you ask someone, "Ok, during this prayer session I feel like I just need to cry. How do you feel about me soaking your shoulder with my tears?" I have been too afraid to ask that. There is a part of me that knows if I start I might not be able to stop.

The memories, the struggles. This just seems too hard. I left the conference last night in tears. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I just can't go back there. But here I sit, dressed and ready to go. Tears already brimming in my eyes. The pastor there caught me on my way out the door last night and said she was seeing the struggles I seemed to be having. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said she could see I wasn't. She asked if we could pray. I was super hesitant. This is NOT in my comfort zone. I don't know this person at all. She put her arm around me tight and prayed. Then she told me to pat myself on the back because although this is hard for me I made it two nights.
I feel like I am failing people if I don't go back. I am failing the person who felt this would be a good thing for me to go to. I am failing my husband because we paid for it. I am failing God and failing myself. I need God's strength.

Why is it that I want to be held and want to cry but I just can't ask to do it. I wish I felt His hands drying my tears. God, this is such a hard heart thing to go through and I really don't think I can do this. But this morning I sit here knowing that God is with me. He has to be right? He must be here right?

This is damn hard and I don't like it. I pray that I can feel the safety of my secret place with Him. I pray that I can get through this. That I can forgive. That I can just be held. This is not easy. But people are telling me that it WILL be for the good. It will work out to God's glory right? Right? It has to. Right?

So this morning I am finding myself just putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure how I will go on. Not wanting to eat because I feel so sick. But choosing to believe that He is here. That He will get me through this. I wish I could just FEEL His arms around me right now. The everlasting Father. There I said it. PLEASE don't leave me. Don't let me down from your safety. Please don't leave. Help me to soften my hard heart and continue to be ever so gentle with this surgery.
I am going to assume the healing has begun. It won't be an easy journey. It won't be painless. HOW am I going to get through this!!!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Father Heart of God

Right now I am starting to read the book called "The Father Heart of God" by Floyd McClung Jr.

I read the introduction and was in tears instantly. Boy did that ever frustrate me. My pastor's wife has loaned me the book and she believes that it will help me to understand the Love of God and that He is the ultimate Father. I don't doubt it in my heart that it WILL help. But why am I afraid of it? Afraid of a BOOK!!!

Over and over again I tell myself that fear is not of God. I know for a fact that is a biblical statement. Although I can't quote you the verse right now. I just KNOW that it is in there. It is a common thing said to me as well. I really admire the strength I see in others. The fact that they can just lean on and trust that God is love. That He is a kind and compassionate Father.

With my experiences of "Father's" in my life I don't know how to believe this. Most adults in my life growing up have let me down in some way or another. Been told I was loved but never felt it. It was like it was said because it had to be said in my life.

I have a conference to go to tonight, tomorrow night and Saturday. It is going to talk about the Father heart of God. I am scared. Right now I am trying to think of ways I can get out of it. Trying to think how I can avoid it. How I can run from it. I know this will be hard to go through and I am not sure my heart can handle it. What if I cry? In front of COMPLETE strangers. At least now when I cry in front of people who pray for me they know why. But I am going in to a place of complete strangers.

Last night while praying and talking to God I was crying. I was mad and asked why I am crying why there are so many tears.
God told me, "Because there is so much healing to be done baby."

"Ok Daddy, but I don't want to cry. I am not ready for this. I can't do this. I am so alone in this."

"But you aren't Baby. I am right here. I am sending people in your life to help you in this rocky journey. I am here to dry your tears. To hold you under my wings."

"But I am so weak. I can't do this. I am scared."

"I am here Baby. I am holding you. Trust me."

ok not sure where that came from but it came to me. I WANT to trust God but am afraid to be let down. To be hurt. I am tired of the memories controlling my life. I want "normal" memories. Memories of going to school and riding my first bike etc. I don't want the ones that haunt me now.

I want to trust God. I want to know and understand His heart. I want to believe that He won't leave me and He is the Daddy I have always wanted. That I am Daddy's girl. But I struggle with it. Not understanding. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing where to turn. This is so hard.

So now I sit here thinking about how to get out of tonight. But I think that is the enemy. I am going to do this because I do think it will help. So why is this so damn hard!! sigh....must not run away! Tired of running.