Sunday, March 14, 2010

the truth is hard to hear

but then you start to wonder what is truth.

I have always been told I was stupid, ugly, dumb, and idiot and not worthy. Always. I am being told that it is not the truth. But that is so easy to believe. It has been ingrained in my mind since I was little.

Tonight I was told that I am a bit obsessive and overwhelming. That really hurt. The truth does hurt. But I was also told that given that information I will be strong enough to take it and make it work for me. Make me understand more. To calm.

So given both these major things it comes to the point where I start to wonder what do you believe? when do you believe it?

It hurts to know that I am overwhelming to people. It hurts to think of myself so stupid all the time. I can't hear what God is saying. I only hear what I have been told growing up. Man, I need to be completely rebuilt. How could God be pleased with THIS. With me?

the truth for me is that I am a failure. Everything I do I fail. Time to step away for a bit. We will see when I post again. I am enjoying posting again but at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm people.

I don't know where this is going. I don't even know where I am going. Maybe to bed. Honestly the thought of isolating just keeps coming strong. It would be so much easier. This battle is hard....

4 comments:

Erin Wilson said...

Misty-

God is pleased with you. He is. And it's true... you need to be completely rebuilt. That's part of the deal. We become a new creation in Christ. Wanna know a secret? It's not just you. It's all of human kind. :)

I just erased a pretty huge comment. Because in the end, what I think just doesn't matter. As you keep on this journey with God, you will continue to look more and more like Jesus. It's just the way it works. And you know what? The pharisees thought Jesus was a bit obsessive and overwhelming.

You're on the right path, Misty.
:)

Miss-buggy said...

wow Erin. thank you. There is so much healing and crap that needs to be done. That is another post! I should do that now. I know I may sound repetative but this is helping me to process it all

Taylor said...

we all have a past, my past hurts too. But that is why I am so thankful that every day is a new day. We can not change our past, but we can move on (Although, trust me, that is sooo difficult), and it doesn't help when we are having a bad day.

One day I was talking to my mom. She was thanking me for smiling, simple, but she was saying that she hates never seeing my brother smile, even for all they do for him. I replied, life is not going to throw everything at you. You have to make it a good day, you have to look for the good. Trust me, some days, this seems sooo impossible. Anyway, my point was that life is not going to just give you everything, (although it does for some people) you sometimes just have to make it a good day, and forget in the past, (or just the bad stuff you don't want to remember, as I have forgotten so much... I was told that I was actually suicidal at age 9. I do not remember these things, I have completely blocked this out of my mind, and forgotten.

I am not saying you should forget your past, that is probably impossible, but I am encouraging you to live more in the now and future, then reflect on the past, although maybe you need closure from past, you might have to go back to the past.

Although I may be young, I still have gone through things... and in the end we learn from them.

The only intention in this, is encouragement.

I admire you, and you are beautiful and amazing photographer!

Keep strong! You can do it! You can get through this!

Miss-buggy said...

Thank you Taylor.

the thing is all my life I have pushed the past down. I have worked hard to keep it away and not in my memory. I have now seen that God is bringing these memories slowly to the front of my mind for a reason.

He is bringing me through each painful memory. He is guiding me through it. doesn't mean I will forget but I am working on letting it go. I have pushed it away for so long that I believe God is gently telling me it is time.

yes you are young but it doesn't mean you don't have insight. We all get our wisdom from the lessons we learn. Doesn't matter the age we are. hugs