Monday, March 15, 2010


You know I have more then likely talked about this before but bear with me here because it is on my mind once again.

Surgery is painful. It hurts. It scars and sometimes takes a while to heal. I believe God is performing surgery right now. Trying to heal my heart of the bitterness I hold, the unforgiving parts of me, the hatred. The hurt, pain and tears. I have cried so many tears in the last few days that it is absolutely pathetic.

I find myself longing to be held when I cry. Longing to be held and told that it will be ok. Some of you may have had that as children. Some of you may be like me and not remember having any of that. So not remembering any of that, how can I imagine or feel God doing just that?

I want to do this surgery because I know it is good for my heart and my soul and my being. But I am so scared. So alone. So hurt. It is hard to be cut open. Wide open to bleed and be vulnerable. It needs to be closed and stitched to heal but I think right now God is slowly opening it up to reveal the muscles, the arteries and the blood. He poured the blood for us first. But to have my insides stretched out and raw is just painful.

Surgery sucks.

It has to be for the good - right?

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