Saturday, March 13, 2010

No one said it would be easy......

but why does it have to be so damn hard!??!

Listening to praise music this morning Mercy Me's Hold Fast comes on. The line that I keep hearing over and over is "please do not let go, I promise you there is hope. Hold fast, help is on the way."
You know it really makes me wonder if God is trying to tell me to keep holding on. To keep fighting.

I have just felt like giving up and walking away from it all. Thinking that the struggle of NOT being a Christian would be "easier" then being one. But I really love Jesus and I don't want to leave Him. But dang it this sucks monkey butt!!

I have known time and time again that God is the greatest surgeon and healer. The hard part is that the memories are coming up. The memories I don't want to resurface. The memories that I have pushed for so long to keep down. The wall I have built up is being chipped away. The dam I have built against His ever flowing love is losing logs each day.

I am doing a conference that talks about soaking in God. Talks about the Father heart of God. I don't have a father that I can compare that to. I mean, they are talking about me not being able to do anything to lose His love. That He loves me. Last night was particularly hard.
The speaker kept saying "Pappa come, Daddy I am here." and "Daddy come". It was just so odd to hear it coming from a strangers lips. To hear someone else whisper Daddy come. I have a few friends that when praying for me they talk to Daddy. They tell me about Daddy and that is ok because I feel like it is safe on their lips and in their prayers. But this was a stranger and I sat there with me mouth clenched trying not to let my jaw drop.

Last night I was so tempted to run. I thought I sat in a good spot so that I could run if I wanted to. The whole time I am thinking, I have to get out of here. I have to leave. I just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The tears fell freely. I was ashamed. Then what did God do? There was a pairs exercise. I thought, "WHEW! I can get out of this one", as I saw people pair up. I was totally ok with that. I didn't want to do it anyway because it was hard. I just wanted to be by myself. I was writing in my book to look up and see a lady standing in front of me. She asked if she could sit with me. I said sure. So she stooped down to sit on the floor with me. It wasn't until this morning that I realize it was God. Because that lady STAYED on the floor with me the whole time. I felt like I could no longer run.

The book that I am reading talks about how a woman had asked a pastor if she could just cry on his shoulder. He said you can but I would like to know why. She said it was because her dad died when she was a child and she missed the arms holding her when she was upset. The arms that held her telling her it would be ok. The safe arms.
Oh how I have longed for that! I have longed to just be held and to cry. To feel like I can do that and be safe. I remember in the hospital I did that to a friend. She came in, saw I was upset. Took her jacket off then sat on my bed and pulled me close. I just cried.

Right now in the midst of this heart surgery I have found myself wanting to lean in to people who have been praying for me. To just put my head down on one of their shoulders and just feel safe enough to cry. I am sure that a few of them would "let" me do that but there is a part of me that is afraid to show that vulnerability. How do you ask someone, "Ok, during this prayer session I feel like I just need to cry. How do you feel about me soaking your shoulder with my tears?" I have been too afraid to ask that. There is a part of me that knows if I start I might not be able to stop.

The memories, the struggles. This just seems too hard. I left the conference last night in tears. I couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I just can't go back there. But here I sit, dressed and ready to go. Tears already brimming in my eyes. The pastor there caught me on my way out the door last night and said she was seeing the struggles I seemed to be having. Asked if I was ok. I said yes. She said she could see I wasn't. She asked if we could pray. I was super hesitant. This is NOT in my comfort zone. I don't know this person at all. She put her arm around me tight and prayed. Then she told me to pat myself on the back because although this is hard for me I made it two nights.
I feel like I am failing people if I don't go back. I am failing the person who felt this would be a good thing for me to go to. I am failing my husband because we paid for it. I am failing God and failing myself. I need God's strength.

Why is it that I want to be held and want to cry but I just can't ask to do it. I wish I felt His hands drying my tears. God, this is such a hard heart thing to go through and I really don't think I can do this. But this morning I sit here knowing that God is with me. He has to be right? He must be here right?

This is damn hard and I don't like it. I pray that I can feel the safety of my secret place with Him. I pray that I can get through this. That I can forgive. That I can just be held. This is not easy. But people are telling me that it WILL be for the good. It will work out to God's glory right? Right? It has to. Right?

So this morning I am finding myself just putting one foot in front of the other. Not sure how I will go on. Not wanting to eat because I feel so sick. But choosing to believe that He is here. That He will get me through this. I wish I could just FEEL His arms around me right now. The everlasting Father. There I said it. PLEASE don't leave me. Don't let me down from your safety. Please don't leave. Help me to soften my hard heart and continue to be ever so gentle with this surgery.
I am going to assume the healing has begun. It won't be an easy journey. It won't be painless. HOW am I going to get through this!!!

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