Monday, December 28, 2009

The World

sure can be a tricky place. So full of sin, thanks Adam and Eve, confussion, people assuming THEY know what is best for YOUR child.

Education comes to mind for me. I have felt like I am not doing enough. I have been made to feel like a horrible mother. I have chosen a Christian based preschool for my child. I can't afford a private school for him but I try my best. I have been told I am damning my child to satan because he would be going to public school. I tend to disagree.

I have chosen to do what I am doing based on what feels right for my family.

Sin is everywhere you look. It is pathetic really. People are afraid of God so they fight what they don't know. Believe in Heaven but not Hell or God. Or they believe in Hell but not Heaven or God. I just find it interesting that some people can be so nieve and believe in one and not the other. To me those places go hand in hand.

I really struggle learning about the bible and trusting in God. Then other people make me feel horrible for the struggles. Did you know even Mother Teresa struggled and had questions. I think if you were to tell me you never struggle and you have always walked the walk with God without ever questioning or without ever having the "Job" moments I would challenge you to really look at yourself. There is not one person in this world that is perfect.

You know life is what you make it. You choose to be in a dark place you will stay there. Lately I have been choosing to TRY to be as positive as I can. Boy does it feel good too. I am leaving things up to God and am trying really hard each day to remember that and to trust Him and keep my faith in Him growing.

The world is a very judgmental place. A cruel place. People afraid of what they don't know. Afraid of not being able to control their own life. Anger at the slightest things. People thinking that THEY know what is best for you and your family. I am guilty of judging but I am working on it. After all there is only One who can and should judge. I think we all forget that sometimes.

I feel like God has gifted me in the way of Photography, although the world (ie. other people) can be negative and knock me down. Some have made me feel like I should not bother. That I should pack the camera away and give up. Yet there is this still small voice that tells me to keep shooting. Guess it is time to tune out the world and to start listening to that "still small voice"

just a ramble of many things today. Hope it makes SOME sense. It has been a while since I last wrote. My bad. lol

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

What it Feels Like -FFH

A friend asked for my help in finding a song that she knew only the chorus to. I found it and I think it is SO fitting and perfect.

What it Feels Like - FFH

So this is what if feels like to walk the wilderness
and this is what if feels like to come undone
So this is what if feels like to loose my confidence
unsure of anything or anyone
So this is what if feels like to walk the desert sand
and this is what if feels like to hear my name
and to be scared to death cause I'm all alone
but feel love and peace just the same
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to have it fall apart
to be totally unglued
and find out if I accept my brokenness
I get more of me, I get all of you
If this is what if feels like to be on shaky ground
Careful of every step I take
Realizing as I stop to look around
I look around and see everything a different way
and this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
cause I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
So this is what if feels like to be led
and this is what if feels like to be led
So this is what if feels like to just walk away
from everything I thought kept me safe
to depend just on you for every meal
and find it's better this way
oh it's better this way
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
like i do right now
And this may not be the road I would choose for me
but it still feels right somehow
And I have never felt you as close to me as I do right now
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like to be led
And this is what if feels like

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


You know, I have always been told during the hard circumstances and situations that one day I would be able to look back and see what God was preparing me for. It really does happen like that every time. In the situation I am frustrated and confused and scared etc. Who wouldn't be? I don't feel like God is there but I know deep down that He is.

I was hospitalized due to a break down at the end of April this year. I was there for 5 weeks. I felt SO much darkness in that ward and in my room and in my own heart. I felt like God wasn't there yet He kept sending me verses over and over.
I had people come to visit me that I didn't think ever would. Phil supported me and brought Cooper to me EVERY SINGLE night. Not missing even one night. Sometimes he would bring him by in the morning as well. It was heart breaking to not be with my family but I knew I had to be there for a season in order to get better.
The nurses and doctors helped me get meds figured out and manage life better. They helped me to get back on me feet. I can tell you now that I am grateful for that time spent there.

A lot of crap has been happening lately. Someone I know and love having their life threatened. Being told they would be killed. I don't know how to help them but just let them know I am here.
Family members feeling sick.
Feeling short on money. (what's new there. lol)

But as I sit here typing all this I can honestly say that I am doing fairly well considering all my circumstances. I know I am being vague but this is the way it has to be for right now.
I can look back now and know that God brought me through one storm so that I could get through the current one. I am not trying to do this on my own. I am trying to lean on God for strength. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, only He has the strength I need.
Getting words of wisdom and prayer from others just emphasizes that yeah He is listening. No matter how I feel like He may not be here. With everything that is happening I am quite surprised that I haven't gone down hill. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I haven't. There is NO other way to explain it.

So I look back seeing that God was preparing me for this stuff. He was preparing me to be able to walk through this storm. Then I think, this storm will prepare me to walk through the next.
I am not usually able to see the Son in the midst of the storm but I have been able to this time around. I can honestly tell you that it feels WONDERFUL to know that God is here. That my Dad won't abandon me. That He is sending others to me in order to help me walk the journey. In order that I am not alone.

Sometimes the trials suck monkey butt but now that I can sit here knowing it was for my own good and it was to prepare me I am happy that God thinks I am worthy enough and strong enough to endure those times. I don't like those times but who rightfully does. But just knowing that the Father will NOT abandon me, hurt me, belittle me, judge me, abuse me, or stop loving me and that He is there provides a peace.
Although I have problems sleeping right now I just know that this too will pass, and I will be able to have the peace again. So while leaning on God I am also sharing with others as I felt lead.

Thankfully He was kind enough to prepare me.

Friday, November 20, 2009

When a fellow Christian stumbles
And he needs some help to stand;
Don’t ignore his circumstances—
Offer him your outstretched hand. —Sper

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. —Charles Dickens

Thursday, November 19, 2009


I received this yesterday morning. The morning after I had decided I want to just shut off from everyone and everything. Then I did notice that yesterday it just seemed so impossible. People talking, emailing, things to do. Funny how God comes through...

Prime Time with God Devotional
Today's Prayer
God, I come to You seeking Your face, searching for answers so I can do something about the problems. There is so much turmoil in the world. There have been so many disasters, many beyond man's control. I pray that You will broaden the minds the people affected by each incident and open their eyes to see what You want them to learn. And I pray that they will respond in the right way. I know that You sometimes allow pressures in my life to bring attention to an issue You want me to take care of too. I pray today, that You as my Loving Father will make known anything that stands in the way of fellowship between You and I. I want to turn from any wrongdoing, and "step up to the plate" to do the right thing, no matter how great or how simple it may seem. I praise You for Who You are, for all You do, and for the fellowship we share through prayer. In Jesus' name, amen.

Come Out of the Stronghold
TGIF Today God Is First Volume 2, by Os Hillman
"...Do not stay in the stronghold. Go into the land of Judah ..." (1 Samuel 22:5).
David and his fighting men had been hiding in the cave of Adullam. He was fleeing Saul. Many of life's down-and-out had come and joined David's army. David was content to stay in the stronghold of safety. Then, God's prophet came to David and told him that he must leave the stronghold and go into the land of Judah. Judah means "praise."
When life beats down on us and we get to the place where we want to hide in a cave, God often places people around us who prod us into moving in the right direction. He does not want us to remain in the place of discouragement. He wants us to move into the land of praise.
I recall when I went through a very difficult time. It seemed to drag on and on with no change until finally I wanted to retreat to a cave and forget pressing on. It was a great time of discouragement. A godly man came to me and said, "You must keep moving! There are too many who are depending on you in the Kingdom."
I didn't totally understand what he meant at the time. Now I know he was saying that God is preparing each of us to be the vessel He wants to use in the life of another person, but we will never be that vessel if we give up and hide in our cave of discouragement. Not only must we keep moving, we must move into a new realm. Our attitude must move from discouragement to praise.
"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).
It is only when we move past discouragement to praise that we begin living above our problems. Make a decision today to go into the land of Judah.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Seven Steps to Freedom

*another view point from the book, "Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian." by Henry Warkentin

So upon reading some more I came across a chapter called, "Seven Steps to Freedom" p.86. Naturally I went in to the chapter as just a read. But then I went back and re-read it deciding I would actually take the time to at least do this for ONE area. I wanted to write it out here.

Henry suggests that the steps to freedom "can show us how to take back the ground we have conceded to Satan. It is not enough to KNOW about our sin, we also need to deal with it." p.86 (emphasis mine)
The steps are as follows:

1. Identify the Lie - "the lie will come through thoughts and feelings." p.87

2. Confess believing the Lie as Sin - "Believing a lie is a sin against God." p.87

3. Ask forgiveness for believing the Lie - "believing the lie must be confessed, and asking for forgiveness is mandatory." p.88

4. Thank God for the Forgiveness - "By thanking Him we are accepting that the sin is gone." p.88

5. Take Authority - "We have to choose to believe that this authority is now ours, just as Jesus said." p.89

6. Confess the Truth in that Area - "ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32)" p.90

7. Ask God to Fill the Released Area with the Holy Spirit - "We don't want that area left with an empty void, so we must ask God to fill the released area with the Holy Spirit." p.91

WHEW!!! Sounds like a LOT of work but here goes nothing.......

1. I am not worthy

2. Lord, I have been believing this lie and thus am sinning.

3. Father please forgive me that I believe this lie. That I feel in my heart that I am not worthy and never will be. Please forgive me that this in turn makes me hesitant to trust. ""I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

4. Thank you Father that You are so forgiving. That you still love me and forgive me with open arms.

5. Satan, PISS OFF. I AM worthy and you are not to bother me or lead me to believe in this lie of not being worthy anymore.

6. The truth is that I am worthy because of You Jesus. Because of Your blood. Thank you.

7. Please Father God, help to fill this area where the lie, the sin, the unbelief sat for so long. Please help me to fill it with Your truth, Your trust and Your love. Because I am worthy through you. YOU believe I am worthy.

ok did it. Now that is just something I will have to make sure I try my hardest to keep remembering over and over.

I have never felt worthy but the truth is that I am in fact worthy because of Jesus. Lately my son has come up with a VERY interesting question. "Mommy, who bought me." At first I told that little three and a half year old boy that no one bought him. That he is ours.

Then it got me thinking and I think I was more prepared for the question when it came later that night.
"Mommy, who bought me."
"Well Cooper, Jesus bought you."
"How Mommy?"
"Remember your book tells you that the blood of Jesus was shed on the cross?"
"well that blood was the price that Jesus paid for us. Because He loves you and cares for you."

yeah it would have been nice if the questions stopped there. But the next day he asked the same thing again and I gave the same answer. Then he threw me for a loop.
"Mommy who bought you?"
pause, silence, small sigh.....
"Jesus did."
"Because Jesus loves me just like He loves you. He bought us so that we can spend eternity with Him in Heaven."
"Because God believes in us and believes that we are worthy."

ummmm..........there it was right there. I was telling my own son that WE were worthy. Not just Cooper was worthy but I was worthy too. We were made worthy through Jesus and I guess writing that on my bathroom mirror and seeing it every day is starting to sink home.
I can tell you it felt good to admit that out loud to my son.
I had someone this past month who had hurt me deeply in my past apologize. They told me they are ready to make a change. WOW! Then I am starting to realize as well that through Jesus I am worthy. I didn't DO anything to BE worthy but that is the point. He loves me just the same.

So Lord, in closing......forgive me. Help me break the lie. Help me be an example. Help me to trust you and know that I am indeed worthy.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

just some things.....

that have been irking me this morning and I figure I better get it off my chest rather then let it get me down. We know how the enemy likes to work. "Oh! She is feeling down about this? Let's just keep it that way and make it a little worse".

ok...bear with me...

I have been put on blood thinners because my doctor had found out I have a case of hyperhomocystine. (Yeah you would have to look up homocystine yourself. lol) However, to give you a basic bit of info basically I clot too much. So now am on a low dose of ASA each day. Now even though it is a low dose I am noticing some little differences. My bruises have been big and nasty. Guess more blood can come to the surface now. Also when I cut myself I bleed. I bleed too much. For example shaving this morning I hit a little tiny pimple. I have been nursing the bleed for 20 minutes. It just keeps coming and as of yet it hasn't stopped! Damn pimples!

Now on to pimples...I am breaking out like a freaking teen aged girl. DUDE! I am 30. I thought by 30 this stuff would STOP. Yeah, I lived in a dream world!

My hair needs to be dyed and we can't afford it right now. Yeah, buy a box people will say but I really would rather leave it to the professionals to do it. I have about three inches of roots! You know it is bad when you try to think of things to do with your hair to hide the roots and the whites. Today it is in a french braid. The problem is when I do that or even a pony tail the braided part and the pony tail itself are different colors then the base of my head. Oh and with the braid you can see the white streaks of hair.

grr...damn pimple STILL bleeding.

I have been on the fence about halloween. Do we take Cooper trick or treating or not?

I have been having dreams about having a second child but my body is evidence that it won't let me! Oh well, only God knows what will happen there.

I need a pair of jeans.

We need to go get some groceries.

I am thankful for my new camera accessory though and am thinking of some things I want to do today. I want to make a backdrop stand in my house. It will involve a curtain rod. lol. I want to organize the storage locker outside.

I just have many things swimming in my head. As I sit here and look out the window though a smile creeps across my face. It is a beautiful sunrise this morning. Mind you it is red and that means we are in for some wicked weather but it made me smile that God reminds me He is listening. I wonder if HE is tired of my complaining yet?

Dang thing still bleeding...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Answers and Hope for the Struggling Christian

by Henry Warkentin

A friend of mine gave me a copy of this book. I am really not too far in to it as it is not a book you can read cover to cover. You have to take it one section at a time. So far I have noticed that it has been opening my eyes to some of the tactics the Devil uses. He is one slippery bugger.

On page 68 it starts to go in to "The Emotions".
"Not only does the devil impose thoughts directly into our intellect, but he often imposes feelings on our emotions as well."

I found that pretty darn interesting. I was thinking that it was me that was a screw up and a mess up. That it was my thoughts that were harming me when all along it is the enemy knowing which buttons to push and knowing how to get in to my thoughts.

"Most often, the Enemy imposes both thoughts and feelings.
Imposed feelings are very convincing because the feelings happen right inside the emotional part of our being. Coupled with the fact that the world tells us to trust our feelings, we are easily fooled." p. 69

Maybe this is why I have been told over and over that feelings are fickle. That I can't fully rely on them. I FEEL stupid. Am I? My school grades never showed it. I FEEL like a failure. Am I? Not so sure, I do have a happy, healthy son and am doing what I have always wanted to do. I feel like God is going to abandon me? Will He? Umm..I am being told no. Then that is evident to me in the fact that no matter where I struggle or what stage I am at He always has a way of showing Himself. Coming through someone or another. I FEEL like I am not good enough. Am I? No. God says I am because of His Mercy.

"...when we believe the devil's lies, no matter how logical they seem, it gives the Enemy power in our lives. It is important to see that in order to believe the devil's lies, we have to reject God's truth." p.71

See the thing for me is that I believe I am not worthy of God. That I am ugly. I am stupid. I am a failure. But God's truth and word tells me other wise. He tells me that I am "Fearfully and wonderfully made." That I am made "in His image" and that God does not make mistakes.
So every lie I believe sounds like the truth to me. It sounds so real and accurate so I choose to believe it. I feel like it is true therefore it must be. However, because Satan is able to get deep in to our intellect and feelings I in turn believe what he is saying and start rejecting the Truth. "The Truth will set you free." From all the enemy's lies and schemes I can be set free if I just choose to remember the truth. Because he can slip right in there though the lies FEEL like truth. Like I can't win. Then I can't feel God. I feel lost to Him. I feel alone. Then there it is again, feelings coming from lies.

Where am I going with this? Not fully sure but I do know I have wanted to share the quotes for quite a while. It gives me a bit of a sense of relief knowing that maybe I am not miss-wired. That I am not a complete screw up and that in fact something greater then my own thoughts is at work here. It is the enemy that has to be driven out of my mind. That is why we have to tell him OUT LOUD to bugger off. To get our of our lives. It was a relief to me to read what I did and realize that I am not alone and am not COMPLETELY insane. A relief that although I FEEL like God is not here it is a lie. That lie is far from the truth.

The truth. God is good. God is mercy. I am not worthy but GOD feels I am. Not being worthy enough but it being the point because I was saved by His Grace. God is real. God is here. I AM NOT ALONE. Just some things I have been trying to process. I am sure more things will come up eventually but this is it for now.
Just amazed me that the enemy can get so deep in to your mind. BUT he can't steal my spirit. No matter how much he masks it God is still there. No matter how dim the light feels it is still lit.

Yes I struggle. Who of us doesn't. If you say you don't I would have to ask you if you are lying to yourself. Or if it is the enemy lying TO you. The struggles make us stronger. This is a good book so far and it really is helping to give me insight in to how the enemy can be so tricky. I recommend it so far and I believe it is in fact giving me the Hope and the Answers I need.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Today is another Thanksgiving day for us here in Canada. I love thanksgiving and it's traditions and TURKEY. But I also love being able to stop and be thankful for things God has given.
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....

in NO particular order:

~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.

~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.

~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.

~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.

~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.

~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".

~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.

~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.

~A roof over my head.

~Clothes on my back.

~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.

~Giving back to God.

~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.

~Hot water.

~Cold milk.

~Wonderful neighbours.

~A running car.


~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.


I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.

So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....

Friday, September 18, 2009

Being walked along with

Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.

Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.

Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.

My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.

I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.

It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.

I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My "baby" started preschool today

so today was the first full day of preschool. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?

This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go

today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.

his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.

He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!

I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Today I find myself extremely thankful.

I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.

I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.

There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.

I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.

Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.

I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".

Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.

I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.

Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


well a lot has been going on lately. We just moved in to a co-op townhome. We love it. So much more space and Cooper has a bit of a backyard to play in.

I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.

Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.

My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.

Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.

So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.

God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.

Friday, August 21, 2009

For some reason this song has struck me lately

More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

Monday, August 17, 2009

"Set Me Free"

So since yesterday I have had a lot on my mind. Actually I usually always have quite a bit on my mind. My mind usually doesn't stop. In fact I honestly didn't realize that following God was "simple".

I prayed for help breaking the strong holds in my life that are keeping me back. Keeping me from loving myself. Keeping me from trusting God. Keeping myself from just having faith in God and realizing that He won't abandon me. Old thought patterns have to go. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough, etc.

This is hard. Really hard. I am so used to it that it comes to my mind first and foremost. Every time. I can't look in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child and wait for Him to leave me. I didn't do a darn thing to deserve God's love and Mercy but He gives it to me anyway. Don't ask me why because I can't even explain it.

I need to break the chains and embrace the fact that God does love me. That I am worthy to be His child. I am tired of the chains holding me back, the chains not allowing me further.

I am not sure it makes any sense. I just know that I need to break the chains that I have been allowing to hold me back. I have to not allow it anymore. I need to ask God to help me. I need His strength. There is just so much to do. I don't know if I can do it. But I know that I am tired of being held down. Of holding MYSELF back.

just so many things in my mind....

this song comes to mind. I want and need to be set free. I need the chains broken.

Fall on me (set me free) by Vineyard Worship

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains
my filthy stains, Jesus

And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free (2x)

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free(4x)

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains,
my filthy stains.

And break these chains
And break these chains (3x)

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free (4x)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Measuring Up

Today's service talked about measuring up. The funny thing though is that after someone shared this morning I found myself thinking, "wow. Why can't I be like them?"

Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."

I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.

But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.

I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.

I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.

I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.

Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.

Seeing Thorns as Blessings

From my devotional this morning:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

Sunday, August 09, 2009

trying to stay focussed

on the good. Trying to remember all the good and not let all the negative slash back at me.

The issues I was told I have was good to receive because those were fixable. A couple days later my family doc called me to come in and go over my blood work. Turns out that my prolactin levels are up again. So that can also cause miscarriages so now we take another step back.

It is like we get answers and a way to solve it then this happens. I am more then double what I should be. Prolactin is a hormone that is released when ovulating or when nursing. It should not be above 23 for a non nursing mother. I was good at an 11 for two months. Now it goes up again. So it is confusing, frustrating and annoying.

There is a BIG part of me that just wants to yell and get mad at God. Yet I am trying not to and to focus on the good. Sometimes it just feels so hard.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Good in every situation

I know that God is working all things out for His good. Even the hard/bad/debilitating situations He will turn it around to work things out for good.

There was a point where I thought there was no possibility that something good would come out of my miscarriages. But I now realize there is. It has given me a more compassionate heart for those that are going through it. It gave me a chance to get some testing done. It gave me answers.

It turns out that I have a protein definciency and a blood clotting issue. Both of which are not elevated enough to cause concern about my health but enough to cause miscarriages. The good thing is that these are both treatable and there is a good chance that I will be able to have that baby one day.

I will have to take 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of Vitamin B6 and a baby aspirin every day for the first few months. Plus prior to the pregnancy. There are also some shots that may or may not need to be done. The thing in the way is money of course but I know we will work it out.

I have also injured my knee and it has required me to be on crutches. I was asking a friend if it was God that did it. My friend said that it was just a mistake and was not God's plan but that God would use it for His good. I think He is. It is teaching me to humble myself. I am starting to think that might have been the theme this past year.
We are trying to pack to move and I can't put weight on my knee yet my neighbours are offering help, friends are offering help and I have had to ask for help from my husband. I don't normally ask for help at all so this is a step for me. So yet another good thing that God is doing in this situation.

God is good and I am trying to focus on the good and thank Him for it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

it just takes one thought

Why is it that it takes just ONE thought to spiral you? ONE negative thought to get you in to the direction that you are not good enough, you will never heal, you are fat, you are ugly and it just keeps going down, down, down.

thankfully this morning I was able to recognise the thought by the time it hit the second negative one. I pushed it down and told myself NO. I worked hard to build it back up and to get it working to the point where I wasn't beating myself up. It was hard.

It started with not wanting to go to group today. Then the thought of not ever being able to heal, then how I am not worthy enough to talk to anyone because I am a bother. So I guess that was three thoughts. It just kept trying to go down. I could physically feel my mood spiraling. Spiraling down into the darkness.

It just takes one thought to get you going down and knock you down but it takes many positive thoughts to keep you afloat. Your old thought patterns are easier to cling to. They are easy for the enemy to push his finger on and keep you where he wants you.

Yet the place where Jesus wants you is so much clearer. Pleasant and loving.

it just takes one. But it is worth the 20 positive thoughts to keep you grounded. Sometimes it is just SO hard.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Devotion this morning

“‘What do you mean, ‘If I can’?’ Jesus asked. ‘Anything is possible if a person believes’” (Mark 9:23 NLT).

God will build your faith by planting a dream within you. But that dream will require a decision of faith, and then God will stretch your faith as you face delays, difficulties, and dead ends.

It is then that God comes in and delivers. God does a miracle. God provides a solution. For instance:

• In Moses’ case, God parts the Red Sea.
• In Abraham’s case, he and Sarah miraculously conceive a child.
• In Joseph’s case, all of a sudden his dream comes true and he finds himself no longer imprisoned in a dungeon; instead, he is the second in command in Egypt.

And Jesus was resurrected! God can even turn a crucifixion into resurrection, and that means He has the power to transform your dead ends into deliverance. He builds your faith through delays, difficulties, and dead ends, so that when He delivers you—God gets all the credit!

When faced with a dead end, the best response is to expect God to act. What are you expecting God to do in your life? Jesus says, “According to your faith will it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV).

When you wait for deliverance, then God gets the credit. And you can look back to see how God led you through a path of faith, expanding and increasing your trust of Him with every step. Your faith is stronger and now you can say with confidence: “I am expecting the Lord to rescue me again, so that once again I will see His goodness to me” (Psalm 27:13 LB).

-From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional

Thursday, July 16, 2009

1 Peter 1:6-7

Got this in a devotional today. hmm...

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


I am really not sure how to post this without offending someone. My intentions are NOT to offend ANYONE. I just need and want to write out what I have been struggling with. It is about loses and pregnancies so stop reading now if you don't want to go any further.

As you may/may not know I have had three miscarriages this past year. Each time one happens it takes a bit more of me with it. Total of three in 9 months was just too much. During that time I knew 9 people in my life who were pregnant.

As their pregnancies progressed I was excited yet wondered, why not me? When will it happen for me? WILL it happen for me again? Don't get me wrong I know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful little boy.

Yet as the time goes on I find myself getting jealous. All those pregnant ladies are now having babies. I LOVE babies. Most people do...but there is a part of me that gets a sharp pain when I feel my own arms aching. I am so blessed to be able to hold these babies and love on them. When I come home and all is quiet that is when the tears fall, when the pain gets me.

I know jealousy is not of God. Yet I find it catching me too. I try to pray it away. I try to push it down but sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I am thankful for people that will listen. People that understand my pain. Even I can't put it in to words some days but just being silent seems to help. Looking at my little boy helps.

I have been told I won't forget but the pain will get less. I have been debating on writing this because I don't want to offend/hurt any pregnant ladies or any of my friends. I am grateful for my friends that understand. That know when I can't talk anymore. I just don't have it in me. Yet they continue to love me and support me.

I guess this is just rambling but I did need to get it out. Don't be surprised if it comes down....

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Prime Time With God - Daily Devotional

from this morning. I swear I have heard this before. As in recently.....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways" (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

2 steps forward, one step back

So lately Phil has told me that I have been doing pretty well. That I have been doing really good actually.

Yet today I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I just can't seem to shake it. I am tired and want to be in bed. I feel sad and lonely. Cooper has had WAY too much TV today. I feel detached as well.

Guess that is the territory that can come with depression. I just can't seem to shake it today. I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning at least. I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.


I got a call from my doctor's office saying the test results were back and my doc wants to see me. I only had blood tests done. So I am thinking he found something and maybe this will give me an answer to things. I don't know. But if you know me well enough, you know that my mind has gone in to over drive. Although I try not to worry or anything it keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind.

time to try to take that step forward back. Or at least go to bed. lol

some days are better then others for sure. I just keep trying each and every day.

Psalm 27:1

I was lead to this Psalm this morning.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? "

There is fear in my heart right now but I am trying each and every day to hand it over to God. He is my stronghold and He has the strength to deal with it. I won't allow myself or the enemy to dwell on the fear. Fear is not of God. I wish this was easier though...

Friday, June 12, 2009

A bit from my devotional this morning

I really feel like God is trying to help me understand His love. I have a hard time with it but I think He keeps trying. Here is a bit from my devotional this morning from "Purpose Driven Connection" by Rick Warren.

"The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of the deep waters" (Psalm 18:16 TEV).

There are times when we all think, "I'm going under for the last time! I'm about to sink!" No matter how deep you are, God's love is there; He can pull you out of the deepest waters.

No matter what problem you have, God's love is deeper than your problem. You may be in deep despair, deep trouble, under deep stress. You may have deep problems - emotional problems, physical problems, financial problems.

Yet, God's love is deeper still.

In the last few months, you may have hit bottom...You're frustrated and you think, "I'm going under."

Where is God when you hit bottom? He's right there underneath you. He is "your refuge, and His everlasting arms are under you" (Deuteronomy 33:27 NLT).

Drop into His arms of love. Let Him catch you and support you when you have nowhere else to go.


I personally believe that I have hit bottom and had it pulled directly out from under me but I KNOW that God was still loving me. People helped to drive that home. I am so thankful that His love is so big. That He will always love me no matter what. I really need to get it fully in to my heart.

I am worth being loved by Him. So are you.

then I just got this too in my email....
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 58:8,9).

talk about timing...

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

It's been a LONG time....

let's just say that lately I have had struggles. I know everyone has. I know my struggles don't amount to what so and so may be going through or they may be worse then the guy next door but that is not the point. The point is not that you have struggles worse or less then the other person. The point is that MY struggles are hard for me. That I have been broken and thrown in to my own little hell.

The past year has been a really hard one for me. I am sure some of you may know or may gather from reading my blog. I just am not ready to go in to full details yet as to what has happened. Just that I was broken and I am hoping to continue the healing God has already started in my heart.

Last night on the way home from a dear friends baby shower I decided to actually listen to the message that was playing on 106.5 Praise FM. Chuck Swindoll was talking on "Unraveling the Mystery of Suffering". Just hearing the title peaked my interest so I decided to listen. Many times my jaw dropped and tears formed because he seemed to know dead on and it was like God was talking to me. Mr. Swindoll was talking on 2 Corinthians chapter 1.

Mr. Swindoll had some great points. I often wondered WHY I was going through what I was going through. Why the loses. Why the other stuff and how I got to where I did. He made a point along these lines.....
"When I climb up out of the grief, the disappointment, and the horror of it all then I get stabilized and wouldn't you know it, someone else goes through a similar experience. I meet them and I am able to understand.
Had I not gone through my loss, my grief, my heartache, my brokenness, I wouldn't have the inner equipment to even understand, say nothing to comfort others."

Wow! If that isn't the truth! That is exactly why I blog what I do. Why I choose to be so real and vulnerable. Why I tell real life people what I have gone through. I just never know if it may help someone or help someone realize that "hey, she went through it or is going through it, maybe I can talk to her." Going through what I have gone through and what I am going through really does allow me to be able to relate to others who may be struggling as well.

He goes on to say, "We suffer so that we may comfort others who go through a similar situation." It is hard to imagine that. The reason I am going through this is because this is where God needs me to be. Then last night just realizing that because of what I have gone through and am going through I can be a comfort to someone else. Someone that may be hurting and broken to the extent I was and am. That I may just be able to help someone else.

I am not writing this for pity or to be acknowledged. I am writing this because last night I came to a realization that God was and is with me in all of this. That if He can use me to help someone else then maybe it was good that it all happened. I haven't yet been able to say thank you but I hope to get there one day. It is still all fresh and new to me and I don't know when I will be able to thank God that this is all happening. I know, this must sound pretty vague and for that I apologize. Just understand I am not ready just yet to share it to the big world of blogging.

When Mr. Swindoll went on to say, "the suffering is of such great intensity that it is designed by God to bring us to the end of our own strength. Without an explanation, without an escape and without strength to go on you find yourself falling before God saying 'help.' 'help me.' 'help me now.' " my jaw hit the floor. That is exactly what happened. I got to the point where I couldn't go on. Although I am not sure if I did drop before God I can look back now and realize that I was in fact crying out for help. All the signs are there. Hindsight. I can see it all. Now. Not then but I can see it now. People were telling me how to go about things and that I needed to reach out for help but I still fought it. I should have listened. I was at the end of my strength. I had nothing left. No where else to turn. Little did I see that God was already offering a way out.

It is at the point where I do realize that "Broken people understand people being broken." I know that I need to keep the faith, I need to keep fighting. That Mr. Swindoll is right when he says, "faith comes when I surrender to the Father and say, 'you take this battle for me'." I am slowly surrendering. I know that I don't have the strength to do this myself. It is God's strength that will help me pull through. "God never wastes tests. They are designed to strengthen the muscle of faith to trust, to cause us to trust Him when the bottom really does drop out."

The bottom has dropped out for me. I realized too that I needed God more then ever. Sometimes when I didn't know what to do I said three simple words, "God help me." Then "God protect me." I didn't have the words or strength to go on but just uttering those simple sentences showed me that God WAS and IS there. That He is rooting for me, fighting for me and pulling me through. I hear His voice more now.

The battle is hell. It has been one hell of a year. I try to see the good of the last year but I can't see it just yet. I know one day though I will look back on it and think "AH! That is why it happened." Just knowing that for now I can be a help to someone else makes the battle a little easier. Just knowing that I was and am loved helped me to pull through a little stronger.

I take things step by step, minute by minute, day by day. I try not to think about a week from now. For now I stop and think about what is going to happen today.

sorry for the mismatched blog. One day it will all make more sense. Right now this is all I have in me.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

From "The Shack"

been re-reading this lately. This paragraph got me. It is "God" talking to Mack. Mack is on the verge of tears and fighting the emotion.

" 'It's okay honey, you can let it all out....I know you've been hurt, and I know you're angry and confused. So, go ahead and let it out. It does a soul good to let the waters run once in a while - the healing waters.'

But while Mack could not stop the tears from filling his eyes, he was not ready to let go - not yet, not with this woman. With every effort he could muster, he kept himself from falling back into the black hole of his emotions. Meanwhile, this woman stood there with her arms outstretched as if they were the very arms of his mother. He felt the presence of love. It was warm, inviting, melting.

'Not ready?' she responded. 'That's okay, we'll do things on your terms and time.' " pg. 83

I am really not sure what else to say right now. Except that I think I can relate...

Friday, April 17, 2009

ups and downs

I have good days and bad days.

I have noticed when I wake up angry with the world and stop to pray it has really helped. I just have to STOP and remember to do it...

Today I held a baby at mom's group. It is the first time I have been to mom's group in a couple months. Just circumstances didn't allow me to go and then the loss made me want to stay away from every one!
This sweet little boy stayed sleeping in my arms. It was hard to listen to people talking about the person being pregnant next to me but I was so happy for her at the same time. I looked down at this perfect baby boy and just smiled while I tried to fight the tears. Feeling like a FOOL the whole time.

I have been hearing and seeing God, just not allowing myself to acknowledge it. The enemy and my own thoughts really throw me for a loop a lot. I LOVE pregnant bellies, I love new babies (babies period).

I have noticed that I have been doing something VERY new to me. I have been taking things day by day. Step by step. Emotion by emotion. I have been re-reading "The Shack" again. Well trying to at least. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about tonight or four months down the road. I try not to think about it at least. I try to just take everything as it comes.

Right now it is a battle, most of life is. I am battling my own thoughts and trying to control a situation, which I am succeeding at because it is the ONE place I can control. Or so *I* think.

I guess there is really not much to say. Just that I have the ups and downs. But I KNOW better and I KNOW God is here. That He will help me through. I realize a little that He does have enough love for me. He must.....Maybe He is trying to tell me He doesn't love me any less or think of me as a failure although I sit beating myself up. There just seems like I have so much I need to do. So many areas to improve. So there is ups and downs. There is good and bad. There are moments. But I keep going day by day. If not for me then for my son and husband. Day by day. Prayer by Prayer.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I can't believe it!

Three years ago today God gave us the MOST AMAZING gift. As of 6:40 this morning my special little boy "officially" turned 3!

wow how time has flown....

seconds after being born

all cozy

this morning opening presents:

"do I have to take a picture?"

half smile

blowing out his candle

the birthday pancake. Which he promptly freaked out at because it wasn't normal. He normally doesn't like sweets. Oops...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Foul Mood

this morning I woke up in an absolutely FOUL mood.

I was pissy and grumpy.

Then before I even left my bedroom I stopped. I don't normally do this but today I did. I stopped and thanked God. Thanked Him that His mercies are new every morning and that it goes for me too. Then I asked Him for help to not be in such a crappy mood and so pissy. I prayed for strength.

Then I felt a little lighter. I didn't feel *as* pissy as I was. Sure things are still frustrating me, making me angry and making me feel over whelmed but this morning I am actually able to stop. To stop and just breathe. I haven't been able to do that yet.

I really hope that I am able to continue this throughout the day. I take things day by day. I am not trying to look too far in to the future. I feel over whelmed at all the stuff I have to clean and do. But then I think I hear God say, "One thing at a time. One thing at a time."

so thankfully God grants us His mercies new every morning. I know He is going to give me the strength to get through the day. Through all this crap. I just KNOW it in my heart. I just have to tell my mind to believe it.

I stopped and prayed. I felt the calm. I just hope I can keep remembering to stop and pray all day. Thank you Lord. You are so good. Thank you that you haven't given up on me.

"I will be calm and no longer angry." Ezekiel 16:42

Monday, April 13, 2009

I realized something this morning

I used to think I WANTED God to break me. I wanted to be broken to the point where I could ONLY rely on God.

The thing is I think I may be there a little. But do I lean on God? I don't think so. I try but the other thoughts are so much louder. So much easier to believe.

I am thankful though that He is still here. Still trying. Still pursuing...

I have seen Him here and there during these times. I just need to lean on that again rather then letting the darkness tell me lies. So much easier to just say "do it" then to be able to actually DO IT. In the moment.

I have had problems turning to God a bit. I try to pray but I fail at that. Yet God keeps coming through and reminding me that He is still here. No matter how I feel like I can't hear Him or that I can't talk to Him. He is still talking to me.

I am pretty dang sure I am broken. Even if it is partially. I wanted it but now that it is here I am calling myself a liar. I am not so sure I really want it anymore.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)

Friday, April 10, 2009

"By Your Side"

This song resonated today.....God is here. Thankfully. I just have to strive to remember....

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go.

~ Tenth Avenue North

(Chorus 2x)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Three Strikes and.............

Yoooooooooooooooooou're OUT!

That is the constant saying that goes over and over in my own mind. This is not going to be a pleasant blog but I am hoping that by writing it I may be able to help myself. Maybe there might be someone else struggling with the same and understand. I still am not sure why I am sitting here writing this.

I FEEL like am a failure. I feel like I have let God down, my husband down, my son down, myself down and the child I could not carry to term. If you caught that, that is right I had another miscarriage. This baby I made it all the way to about 6 weeks 4 days. That is if I count it as when the bleeding first started.

I feel deflated, broken, hurt, angry, confused. Come on, three IN A ROW! What the hell! Then when I told someone about it they immediately started asking what was wrong, what is wrong with my body, why I can't carry another child to term. I said that I didn't know and asked for it to be dropped. I can beat myself up on my own without any help thankyouverymuch. I don't need any more help. I am doing a good enough job and Satan sneaks in there every moment.

I feel so numb that I can't pray. When I try praying I can't find the words. Just when I figured that I was holding it all together enough the tears squeak out. I just can't seem to keep them at bay.

My pastor this weekend was talking about grieving. I can tell you that I cried an awful lot that day. I tried to hide it but it couldn't stay hidden. He said that when he does funeral services he is glad to see those that are openly spilling their grief and tears and anger. He said it is the ones who keep to themselves and try to hold it all together that he worries about the most. But how can you NOT hold it all together. How can you try not to keep it together? I have to. I have a house to run. A house that is falling apart because I am trying to check out. He said that those who try to hold it all together are the ones who will end up having it come out sideways. That is the only thing I worry about.

I even found myself wanting to do something that would take away the pain. That will help me check out. But I can't. I have a toddler. I can't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep angry, I wake up angry and on the verge of tears. I don't want to keep crying but I can't guarantee when they will or will not come. I really don't have an appetite but have forced myself to eat.

Then like a cruel joke my stupid belly stares at me. As I double over in pain my belly still looks swollen a bit. I was already swollen and puffing out in the belly area just prior to the loss. I am blessed to have had and have caring people on my side but I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. I want to just check out. My hope is gone. I wait three months each time in between just to lose another one. Time and time again. I have said sorry so many times. I have been told that it is not my fault. How can it NOT be? It is my body. My body that is failing the baby. I can't seem to be able to bring these little angels to term so I fail God. I feel like I can't even talk to Him because I am so embarrassed. I can't find the words.

I know He has come to me a few times. I know He is there. I still hear Him. He has told me He is carrying me. That He hurts because I am hurting. But I push Him away. What kind of daughter does that? I guess you can say a hurting one.

I feel like I am out of the ball game. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to wait another three months just to lose another one. But then part of me wonders why I even bother trying! I can't do this. I need something to just sleep for a week. You add all the emotions on top of not being able to sleep and you have me. Just on edge. My family is suffering. I don't deserve to be around them. They don't need me as a mother and a wife. I am on edge and I don't know how to come off. Part of me just wants to jump.

I really don't know where this is leading. Just a lot of hurt. Pain. Anger. I wish I could turn to God but I just don't know how right now. I do know that I find myself holding Cooper a little tighter and thanking God a little more for him.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


I really find this a pointless day myself but some people do the jokes and stuff.

I am thinking that God has a sense of humor.

Today we are expecting some snow flurries. It has already hit Maple Ridge and Langley. Come on it is April!

Makes me wonder if God is up there just laughing away. Good one!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Choosing to live

The last few days I have heard a lot about dying to this world and choosing to live in Christ. I don't fully understand it to be honest. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts in this matter. I just can't seem to be able to understand it all.

I am pretty sure that the day I chose to accept Christ in to my heart I was choosing to live. Live in God's world. Live through His word. But lately I have been wondering if I do it.

I try to do the right things. I try to put others first. I am pretty sure I follow the ten commandments but sometimes I really wonder if I am really LIVING in Christ. I am so lost with this that it isn't even funny!

I know that right now I am going through some emotions and things that I am not ready to talk about but I am trying to fight. I am trying to trust God. To have faith in Him. However, I find myself fighting it. Giving in to the worldly thoughts, fears and worries. I go back to my old habits of worrying myself sick. I have to stop myself many times a day to pray. I am trying to get through it. I don't know how many times I have cried out to God. I can't count how many times I keep saying sorry. Sorry that I am not trusting. Sorry that I am trying to hold on. Sorry that I just don't understand. Thank God that He knows my heart. Because my mind gets in the way and muddles everything up. My heart wants all of Him. I want to live in Him, in His word.

I make goals but I don't keep them. I fail time and time again. Does He throw His hands in the air and say, "ah forget it. This one is a lost cause." Nope, He digs His heels in and holds me close as I try to fight it and run away. He digs in for the long haul. He wants me. He wants all of me. He has my heart. I trust Him more then anything in this world but my worldly mind tries to control things. To figure out and think about outcomes that are beyond my control. It needs to be all about Him. It needs to be all Him. I need God and His strength. So is that choosing to live in Him?

I want to live in Christ. I want to teach my son to choose God and to die to this world but how can I teach Him when I feel so lost myself? Guess this needs to be something I have to look up today....

I say I am choosing to live. Am I? Am I really? When I fight and when I worry is that failing? Is that giving in to this world? sigh....

told you my brain was muddled and confused!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Primetime with God - Daily devotional

seems rather fitting YET AGAIN!

by Os Hillman
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

If you've ever been through a major crisis, you probably know what a communications "black hole" feels like. While you are in the pit of adversity, you feel that your world is collapsing, that your life is out of control--and that God is silent. The silence of a black hole is deafening. You feel isolated and alone. You question God's love, His care for you, and even His existence.

But even when it seems that God is distant and silent, your "heat shield" is still there, firm and reliable. In your black hole experience, God is teaching you to go deeper into your relationship with Him. You may think that your life is out of control and burning like a meteor, but in reality God, your heat shield, still protects you from the fiery forces that surround you.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Verse from this morning

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

Sunday, March 22, 2009


So lately the big word that has been reoccurring for me is the word Trust. I don't trust easily unless I feel the right connection and then sometimes I trust too easily. A lot of the time that trust ends up being broken in one way or another. However that is what happens. We are only human after all.

Today I went up to "take the plunge" after church. For prayer to help trust God and to be patient and have the faith. This nice lady came and prayed with me. I think it is great when I get to hear people pray. You get to hear all the different ways God leads people to speak to Him on our behalf.

She had her arm behind me, kind of stopped me from falling backwards a bit as I was feeling dizzy. She asked me to close my eyes and just to picture Jesus. So I did. She asked what I felt or saw, I said that I felt His arms around me and He pulled me close to His chest. She asked me if I could feel His heart beat. I said I was pretty sure that I could. Then she asked me to listen to God. Asked what I heard. I said I heard "trust". She said that it was a big word.

So she continued to pray and talk to God. She asked that He talk to me and that I could hear Him clearly. Then she asked me if I could hear Him. I said yes. She asked what He said.
He told me "I will not abandon". She said that was a big one too. Then we thanked God for His words. She asked me to look in His eyes. She said, can you do that? I said no.

"why?" she asked

"Because He is too big for me to look at His eyes and I just want to keep my head on His chest right now."

Needless to say that was amazing. I loved it. I NEED to trust God. I need to be calm and just relax in Him. I find it hard as my mind takes over and goes in to over drive. I think way too much and have problems over analyzing things. I am taking things day by day. Trying really hard to. My life is in God's hands and it always will be. I am thankful that He pursues me and continues to love me in all my flaws.

I am trying really hard and I know my heart wants to trust but my mind gets in the way. This shouldn't be so hard so I try to hand it over to God. This morning I felt His presence as tears fell during a very powerful song. I felt tingles in my hands and warmth come over me as His wonderfully loving Holy Spirit washed over me. Whispering to trust. Telling me He is there.

I will trust. No matter how hard I have to work to fight off my own brain. A wonderful journey and feeling.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Had this come to my mind last night as I was praying

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

the trip was great!

we have been back for about a week now but I just didn't know what to write. Imagine that!

I needed that break too. I don't feel AS attacked as before I left. It was a great time with all my family. Most of the family seperated to do the bigger rides but Phil and I stayed with Cooper. We had a blast.

Cooper loved the teacups. Well, basically anything that went round and round. Mommy didn't like it so much. But it was all worth it for him. Daddy and I were burned and we arrived at LAX to go home only to find our plane was delayed due to SNOW!

He did great traveling. No major melt downs the whole time. He really liked Mickey. here are a couple pics.

safe in his carseat on the plane

round and round on the tea cups.

hanging on to daddy because it was going so fast. (I just kept my eye in the view finder. lol)

family shots.
with Mickey

with Woody and Jessie

and how can I forget Cooper's FAVORITE! He loves McQueen and Mater. He was hesitant to touch him at first. Like "could this really be real!" but then was super excited when he did touch him. That was a highlight for him as well as Daddy and I.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


in less then 12 hours I will be waiting for our airplane. In 12.5 hours I will be loading the carseat on to the plane and getting ready to fly.

we are packed and ready to go.

Heading to DISNEYLAND! All expenses (except for spending $) are paid. I am so excited. There will be pictures when we get back. I hope Cooper likes it!

BYE BYE Blog world!!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Some words I need to focus on

and it is ME that needs to learn to just hold fast to the scripture.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I really have nothing more to say. My mind is a muddle of mush and I don't even want to be in there! sigh......

Monday, March 02, 2009

You are NOT worthy

that sentence from the enemy rings so loud and true in my own mind right now. Tonight I tried sharing what was on my heart and everyone got up and walked out. I am sure it was unintentional and they must not have realized I was sharing but it hurt me deep. Last night a friend got up and walked out on me because of a disagreement.

I have slowly been letting my walls back down, slowly starting to let people in but it has turned out to just bite me in the ass. It breaks my heart when people walk out on me. It proves to me that I am NOT worthy.

God is fighting for me telling me I am worthy. Yet the actions of others ring loud and feel true. It hurts. It hurts bad. I can't stand being hurt. I am sure no one can really.

So standing up for myself has only caused conflict and made me to feel even more unworthy then before. I feel so hurt and lost that I really don't know what to do. I know the enemy is playing on it and having a hay day with it. I will make sure I try to reach to God but right at this moment I feel so lost that I don't know how to.

I am not worthy.

Yes I AM.

sigh..........what is the truth? God.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Risk - Part two

Sure every day we take risks. You risk getting in to the car when you go to drive some where. You risk that every night you wake up the next morning. Last night I heard some talk on risk. On taking those risks. That in essence risk = faith. So true.

I am not the type that likes to take risks. Depends upon what it is but I am not one who likes confrontation or new things. Yet usually these "new things" end up being good things. Walking with God is a Risk we choose to take. My heart wants it all soooo bad. Yet I can hear myself standing there arguing.

Risk is faith. Having the faith to do something that scares you or you are not comfortable with is sometimes a hard thing to over come. Last night I took the "risk" of going to this place where I knew no one. I knew OF three people. I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I was feeling alone. I had someone pray with me and tell me that I was welcomed and to allow myself to feel His love and feel His arms wrap around me. At the end we were invited up for prayer if we wanted it. I swear she looked RIGHT AT ME and it pierced through to my heart. Like God was telling me, "baby, get up. Go and ask for prayer. You are safe here."

"But I don't want to. I barely know these women. It is out of my comfort zone. It is stretching me too thin and I really, really don't want to be broken."

"I am stretching you so that you can see that I am here to support you. I am here to guide you and give you the peace that your heart so desperately desires. Stop fighting it and trust me baby. Trust me."

"I am scared."

"I know you are but trust me I am that risk that is worth taking. You will never regret it."

So what did I do? I stood up and went up to talk to them. Just to talk, not to ask for prayer, not to let myself be vulnerable. Not to allow the risk of showing my hurts, my pain, my fears. But GOD allowed it. I felt like a complete moron! I barely know these people. They are going to think I am psycho. They are going to think that I belong in a nut house. They are going to hate me and not want to be near me or around me. All lies from the devil. He is a tricky bugger. Makes it so that you BELIEVE his damn lies and you stay in that comfort zone, you don't let people in. You keep up those walls. You knock yourself down. After all he doesn't want you to get close to God because that will defeat him. He wants you to stay stuck. To not feel like YOU are a risk worth taking.

So I took the risk. Was it worth it? I think it might have been. Although I do find myself sitting wondering if I said the wrong words, if I blubbered like an idiot, if I looked stupid for crying. But what is God doing? Telling me to stop. Telling me that He is PROUD of me for taking that risk. I can't believe it. HE IS PROUD OF ME. Really? Why? I may not get a clear answer there but I think all these steps are a part of my journey. My little bit of hell and struggle. He is the light in this hell, the warmth in this cold room, the arms that carry me when I can not walk anymore.

I am scared. I am very scared. Fear stops me. It always has. Unless it is to protect someone else I am not worth taking that time to protect or to grow. But my heart wants to grow. It wants to take the risk. I know that God is worth it. I am slowly starting to understand that He really does love me. His arms pulled me close last night and held me. His words of kindness engulfed me. He made me to feel safe. I am safe in Him. I just have to step out of my box and take this risk. The risk to love. After all He sent His son as a step of Risk to save us. To save me. To save you. So if God really thinks that I am in fact worth it, then I need to know in my heart that God is worth it.

So I gingerly take the risk. I gingerly take the step. I am looking for the window out. I am wanting and needing healing. I can't go on much more the way I am. It can't get much worse in my heart. So as I sit here today I ask God,
help me to please take the risk that you are worth. Help to guide me. To keep me strong, to allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. To know that You are there. You will protect me. Thank you. Help me because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you for taking a risk on me. It is my turn to return the favor.

Risks are scarey.....fear sucks.....God is worth it. I am worth it. I CAN be free in Him.

Friday, February 27, 2009


there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

"The LORD is good, a refuge in time of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." ~Nahum 1:7


there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


The last few days I have been feeling a lot of bitterness and anger. This morning was and is no exception.

I don't know what is going on. I don't know if this is the enemy or not. I do know that today I have to make sure I dive in to the gospel. I have to.

I am ready to make some flipping heads FLY. I haven't been sleeping well. Can't get a nap in either. Last night the last time I remember seeing was 11:30. Only to be WOKEN up at 2:30 by the neighbors above me MOVING FURNITURE. Who the HECK moves furniture at 2:30 in the morning. I am thinking of heading up there today or making Phil. I should have gone storming up there this morning. Phil was woken by it but fell back asleep. I, on the other hand, did not. I fell asleep at 5:30, only to be woken by my GRUMPY child at 5:47 (yes exactly, looked at the clock). Throwing a fit because he didn't want to go back to bed. He didn't want to potty etc. He did go back to bed only to wake up at 6:20. Then up for the day. So I am running on about 4 hours of sleep. I don't know how people do it. I can't do it. Then you add a headache from not getting sleep, a sore neck, being itchy and crankiness. Sure I would ask for some cheese with my whine but the cheese is why I am itchy. Milk products don't like me unless it is organic.

So it is like I am a teapot that is about ready to let the whistle go and boil over. I am sure if you look at me you will see smoke coming out of my ears. You won't have to look hard either.

Then I have been arguing with my son (arguing with an almost 3 year old gets you really far in life, didn't you know). I have been arguing with Phil. I am feeling like I shouldn't be talking to anyone. I have been feeling sensitive and attacked. Right now the anger and frustration is just SEETHING from me. There is more but I am not going to mention it or get in to it here.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where this is coming from. I am really at a loss. I don't know if this is the enemy or if it is just my own fault. Either way I don't know how to kick it. I feel like I am spiraling down. I am looking forward to class tonight because I know there will be worship. I just feel SO DAMN DONE. I don't know what to do! I just want to pull my hair out and run away SCREAMING. I wish I could sleep but I have issues falling asleep and if I get woken up after finally falling asleep forget about it!

What is going on! I was reading "walking with God" and John talked about how his sleep was interrupted and it was an attack from Satan. Is that what is happening here? Guess I need to take these questions to God. I am not sure how to. It is times like this when I wish I had the amazing gift of tongues. I can't find the words at all. Time to go and read some of His word. Oh after I feed my hungry child. I have zero appetite and I know I should eat. I just don't want to!