Monday, March 31, 2008

it's been one of those weeks.....

or should I say months???

Just been feeling really down.
Cooper in and out of the hospital for a week. Then I guess I finally had my breakdown with that. Then I went to do laundry for a friend and wrecked that. I shouldn't do things for other people!!
Then I tried to clean up blueberry stains. I used fantastik but didn't realize it had bleach in it. Now my carpet has bleach stains. Can you say bye bye to the damage deposit.
Went to make dinner last night but went to do it too late and had to do something else. Went to make dessert bought the wrong pears. Then forgot the sugar so had to sprinkle it on top.
Having issues with my self image lately too.
Then this morning I realized that I messed up a receipt for my daycare parents back in December and that has screwed up the rest of the year.
Can I just go back to bed and never come out!!!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Book Meme

I was tagged by Krumply

The Book Meme:
1. Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

1) guess the all about tractors book that my son has doesn't count. LOL. So I grabbed "Alpha: Questions of Life"

2)"All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. (acts 2:2-4)
It had happened. The promise of the Father had been fulfilled.

now to tag 5 people. Not sure if five even read my blog!!! I tag: Lori, Michelle, Sue, Biscotti Brain, and Rod.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Pictures of Cooper in the hospital

it was hard to take pics of him in the hospital and I must admit that it felt weird. Usually it is just happy things that we take pics of. But this too was a part of his little life.

We called this Cooper's cage. Any child 4 and under had to be in one due to insurance issues.

Phil brought him a balloon and a toy car. He was feeling better so he was sitting up watching Blue's Clue's and playing.

Than Auntie Sue and Uncle Dennis stopped by. She played with him and he was excited to be standing to play. He crashed shortly after. I couldn't resist the bum shot. This was the smallest gown they had at a size 6.

Feeling better. Sunday morning getting to eat real food. He was eating all he could.

Then it was discharge time. He got out of there yelling bye as fast as he could. These balloons are from the ladies on my birth board. Really sweet of them. The car balloon is from daddy of course. LOL.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

on high alert!

Phil and I are so antsy. If you happen to read my comments you may have caught that Cooper was back in the hospital. We went back cause he was throwing up again. He was dehydrated again and was readmitted.
He stayed there for another two nights. The pediatrician told us this morning that "IF" he throws up again we are supposed to go straight back to the ER. I have had my fill, as has Cooper and Phil, of poor Cooper getting pinned to have blood drawn. Pinned to have an IV put in.
I spent every night and day with him. That has worn on me too. The nurses came in every two hours to check his vitals and the IV went off every two hours. So there was no sleep.
Cooper's belly right now is ROCK HARD. So then the worry is that is he gonna puke or poop. LOL.
There was a little girl next door to us in the room who would SCREAM bloody murder as her mom stepped out to go to the bathroom or brush her teeth. Well Cooper had enough of it. So here is this little girl YELLING then Cooper at the top of his voice says "NOOO!!!" Then the little girl started up again JUST as Cooper was falling asleep. This made Cooper mad. So he banged his head and arms on his bed and went "grrrrr" and then "NOOOO!!!"
It was so funny. Our kid knows what he does and doesn't like. Haha....
but anyway both Phil and I are hoping that Cooper really does NOT barf. Sigh....

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

we're home!!

from the hospital after 2 nights there and being admitted Monday evening.

There is so much to say......

what an ordeal. So be prepared this will get long.
By 3pm on Monday Cooper had thrown up 6 times and was not holding down ANYTHING. So I took him to the doctor's. Went to a walk in clinic cause I was worried about dehydration. So while at the office he threw up 2 more times. That was 8 times in 11.5 hours. The doc looked at him and said that he wanted us to head to the ER cause he was dehydrated. He called the Pediatrician and she was supposed to meet us there.

So his gives us all the paper work and we head to the hospital. We sign him in then sit down. Remember when the kids were newborns and how floppy they were? This was Cooper. So in walks the ped she smiled at me and said, I will be right back to get you guys. So she came back with our paper work and took us in immediately. She checked him out and did confirm that he was indeed dehydrated and what made her the most nervous was how unresponsive and lethargic he was. So she admitted us. They came to give him an IV. THAT WAS HEEEELLLLLLL!!!! I literally had to lay ON TOP of him to keep him still as they fished in the left hand for a vein. The vein didn't work so we had to do it again in the other hand. The hardest part was seeing our sons blood on the floor from the IV. It wasn't much but it was still enough to make both Phil and I sick. So I am laying on him keeping him still and he is SCREAMING people are walking by and I finally snapped, can SOMEONE close those curtains!!!

So once the IV was in he TOTALLY wiped out. Couldn't wake him for the life of us. He was conked right out. THen the nurse came from upstairs and took us up to peds. I put him in the bed. No movement. Lots of cuddles with mommy this week. I loved it and it really made me feel like I was all he wanted. Cause I was. The ped came back in Yesterday morning and checked him out and we started giving him fluids. She said that they would lower the IV amount and then go from there. So my poor mom was holding him and he coughed. I spun to grab the bucket cause I knew the sound by now! And I missed it. He threw up all over her. I felt so bad. So needless to say we were not going anywhere.

He was good all night last night and held down lots of fluids and 1/2 of a popsicle. (sp?) So we were sent home. He is now sitting on the couch with a HUGE smile on his face watching Cars.

I think I am closer to understanding how parents have to deal with being with a sick child. It was impossible to get sleep with the buzzers going off. The nurses coming and going doing their thing and the other kids crying. I stayed the whole time at the hospital. They had a cot for me. I almost broke down a couple times but had to put up the front and be strong for Cooper. I am sure that it will hit soon but for right now we are glad to be home.

If you read this far, thank you. HUGS

Thursday, March 13, 2008

my first baby is gone

My calico Shelby just went to a new home. Turns out I am allergic to her and my asthma was getting worse. So she had to go to a new home. The guy that picked her up seemed really nice and genuine. Plus she let him near her. If you knew her you would know what a accomplishment that is in itself.
Bye Shelby. I am so sad...

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What God sees

I think it is going to be a usual ocurance for me. Just like depression you have highs and lows when it comes to following Christ. At least that is what I feel sometimes.
For example, tonight I have been wondering if I still look like I am happy. If I still give off that glow that only God provides. I worry that my light has dimmed. I worry that it is going to go out.
Then God interveins....
A lady at Alpha tonight approached me. I have seen her before. I don't remember her name or anything but I do remember her from the retreat and that she came to Christ over that retreat. She approached me and I tell you it was just like God was speaking to me through her!
She told me how she just has to say that she sees a difference in me. She said that when she first saw me at Alpha I seemed very reserved and quiet. (Yeah stop laughing) Not sure of if I should be there or not. She went on to say that lately, since the retreat mainly, she has seen a sparkle. She said I am always smiling. That I always seem so happy. I told her that her timing couldn't have been any more perfect. She said, well there you go an observation from a stranger. I said, no a point from God. I thanked her.
I wonder if I will always have that sense of whether or not I am doing good enough. To be told that I am always smiling is so nice to hear. That is the old me. The me that I actually liked. The me that people mostly remembered. Besides the me that used to also get frustrated too easily. Maybe I am coming back to this smiley person I once was. Maybe all hope isn't lost.
As Alpha comes to a close in a few weeks it kind of breaks my heart. I have made some good friends there. I hate loosing people. I think I take it hard. Sure I barely know these people but we have been through so much. Will it feel like an empty void? Will those relationships still be there? Then I start thinking about all my relationships and friendships and I thank God. Faithful friends. Friends who tell me they love me, that I matter. Friends who make time for me. I guess just cause you may not talk constantly doesn't mean you are gonna lose one another. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I believe God has brought these people into my life and me into theirs for reasons I have yet to know. But they will be revieled in time. I am sure of it.
God sees the friendships and blesses them. I am so thankful. Friends that have been there for years and let me cry with them. Friends that have been a listening ear no matter how much I feel lost. Thank you, I hope you know who you are.
God sees what I need in my life before even I know what it is. Thank goodness He is in control of my life cause I have no clue what I am doing!
I guess this is a ramble. But to be told I am always smiling makes me feel like I am doing something right and makes me thank God. Makes me realize that yes He is my Father, yes He won't leave me. Yes He loves me and is proud of me. I long to feel proud of. I hear people say that about their children and it makes me smile. There is meaning behind it. I want Cooper to know that. Maybe God is wanting me to know that. He is proud of me. Thank God I must be doing something right.
New chapters are hard to write but God has the pen. Not me. I will be going to the next Alpha. Maybe I can be that light for someone else. If someone sees it now it gives me hope that I am a changed person. That I am in Christ. That I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I really hope I made some sense.....going to bed now.....

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

"It looks good on you"

that is what a friend of mine said to me last night after I shared my testimony about receiving the Holy Spirit.
In my stupidness I was like what does? My haircut? My smile? She said, I don't know how to explain it but the light. She said something along those lines. I thought she was talking about something physical to do with me. Turns out she was talking about how I "look" now that I have opened my heart and received the Holy Spirit.
To tell you the truth this moment when she said that it looked good on me was the only time I never thought that 'no it doesn't' or 'I am too ugly to have something look good on me'
I said thank you. I hope to keep this new "look" I feel so much lighter. Some times I am unsure of what to do in the moment where I get lost and just don't know how to pray or what to say.
I just catch myself saying, "God help".
So then if it is the light that my friend sees in me then maybe just maybe I can help to be the light to the world. To those I meet. Maybe just maybe they will want to know what makes me shine. Oh what a day that would be when I get asked and I can answer in one word, "JESUS!!"

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Hard Hearts

It wasn't until the Alpha retreat that I realized that I really, truly had a hard heart. I asked people for prayer. Prayer to get back to God, to get closer to God. I am thankful for my dear friends that were so consistent in prayer for me. I would share that I felt separated by God at the Alpha meetings. Little did I know how separated.
I knew that I "stepped" away from God and there was no one to blame but myself. But what I didn't know and didn't realize was that I had actually built a wall around my heart. One that had to be torn down.
In reading John I found myself getting frustrated at those people that Jesus were trying to teach. How many times did He have to explain who He was? How many times did He have to say "I am." How many times did those people have to question. Then I realized I was one of those people. I may not have questioned who He was. But I wasn't letting him in.
In a painting I saw it depicted Christ standing on the outside of a home, outside a door. There was no handle on the door. Christ was waiting for someone from the inside to let Him in. He says, "I Knock and wait for you to answer" or something along those lines, I am not great at remembering versus. "seek and you shall find". Sure you can find but you really have to be the one to open that door. I was seeking, I was looking but yet I was standing there with my hand over the door knob, hesitant to let Him in. Yet He kept knocking. How many times did He have to knock? Were His knuckles sore and bleeding from banging on the door? Was He tired and ready to give up? Was He cold and wet standing on the outside?
All I know is that when I finally allowed that door to open He came flooding in and weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt free. I felt joyful. He kept knocking. Why? Why not give up on me? Cause He put down his life for me and He was not about to just give up on who He loves.
Unlike an earthly Father. He is not going to leave me. I have a hard time telling people that I love them. It has been a process but I have started to let people in, tell them how I feel. That I do in fact love them. Yes, I know I may end up getting hurt but it doesn't matter. For as long as they are in my life they will know that they are loved.
I had a very hard heart. A solid oak door. Thank God that He kept knocking. That He kept waiting outside that door for me to just let Him in. He didn't barge in. He waited until I was ready. I would like to say that my heart is no longer hard. I raised my hands in worship today. Can't tell you the last time I did that. I had opened my bible for the first time in almost 2 years to just really read.
Just like those ignorant people that Jesus first tried to teach I kept waiting. Kept wanting the answers. Then realized it was all in front of my face. That HE was there all along. That He was not going to give up and it didn't matter how long it would take but He would keep knocking. Keep longing for my heart. I just hope I don't ever close that door on Him again. The way I feel now is one that I want to treasure. Like skipping down the street wanting to shout it out with Joy. Sure there are questions but rather then let that get me down I realize, there always will be. There is always One willing to sit down and have a coffee with me and just talk. Thank you God.