Sunday, March 02, 2008

Hard Hearts

It wasn't until the Alpha retreat that I realized that I really, truly had a hard heart. I asked people for prayer. Prayer to get back to God, to get closer to God. I am thankful for my dear friends that were so consistent in prayer for me. I would share that I felt separated by God at the Alpha meetings. Little did I know how separated.
I knew that I "stepped" away from God and there was no one to blame but myself. But what I didn't know and didn't realize was that I had actually built a wall around my heart. One that had to be torn down.
In reading John I found myself getting frustrated at those people that Jesus were trying to teach. How many times did He have to explain who He was? How many times did He have to say "I am." How many times did those people have to question. Then I realized I was one of those people. I may not have questioned who He was. But I wasn't letting him in.
In a painting I saw it depicted Christ standing on the outside of a home, outside a door. There was no handle on the door. Christ was waiting for someone from the inside to let Him in. He says, "I Knock and wait for you to answer" or something along those lines, I am not great at remembering versus. "seek and you shall find". Sure you can find but you really have to be the one to open that door. I was seeking, I was looking but yet I was standing there with my hand over the door knob, hesitant to let Him in. Yet He kept knocking. How many times did He have to knock? Were His knuckles sore and bleeding from banging on the door? Was He tired and ready to give up? Was He cold and wet standing on the outside?
All I know is that when I finally allowed that door to open He came flooding in and weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt lighter. I felt free. I felt joyful. He kept knocking. Why? Why not give up on me? Cause He put down his life for me and He was not about to just give up on who He loves.
Unlike an earthly Father. He is not going to leave me. I have a hard time telling people that I love them. It has been a process but I have started to let people in, tell them how I feel. That I do in fact love them. Yes, I know I may end up getting hurt but it doesn't matter. For as long as they are in my life they will know that they are loved.
I had a very hard heart. A solid oak door. Thank God that He kept knocking. That He kept waiting outside that door for me to just let Him in. He didn't barge in. He waited until I was ready. I would like to say that my heart is no longer hard. I raised my hands in worship today. Can't tell you the last time I did that. I had opened my bible for the first time in almost 2 years to just really read.
Just like those ignorant people that Jesus first tried to teach I kept waiting. Kept wanting the answers. Then realized it was all in front of my face. That HE was there all along. That He was not going to give up and it didn't matter how long it would take but He would keep knocking. Keep longing for my heart. I just hope I don't ever close that door on Him again. The way I feel now is one that I want to treasure. Like skipping down the street wanting to shout it out with Joy. Sure there are questions but rather then let that get me down I realize, there always will be. There is always One willing to sit down and have a coffee with me and just talk. Thank you God.

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