Wednesday, March 12, 2008

What God sees

I think it is going to be a usual ocurance for me. Just like depression you have highs and lows when it comes to following Christ. At least that is what I feel sometimes.
For example, tonight I have been wondering if I still look like I am happy. If I still give off that glow that only God provides. I worry that my light has dimmed. I worry that it is going to go out.
Then God interveins....
A lady at Alpha tonight approached me. I have seen her before. I don't remember her name or anything but I do remember her from the retreat and that she came to Christ over that retreat. She approached me and I tell you it was just like God was speaking to me through her!
She told me how she just has to say that she sees a difference in me. She said that when she first saw me at Alpha I seemed very reserved and quiet. (Yeah stop laughing) Not sure of if I should be there or not. She went on to say that lately, since the retreat mainly, she has seen a sparkle. She said I am always smiling. That I always seem so happy. I told her that her timing couldn't have been any more perfect. She said, well there you go an observation from a stranger. I said, no a point from God. I thanked her.
I wonder if I will always have that sense of whether or not I am doing good enough. To be told that I am always smiling is so nice to hear. That is the old me. The me that I actually liked. The me that people mostly remembered. Besides the me that used to also get frustrated too easily. Maybe I am coming back to this smiley person I once was. Maybe all hope isn't lost.
As Alpha comes to a close in a few weeks it kind of breaks my heart. I have made some good friends there. I hate loosing people. I think I take it hard. Sure I barely know these people but we have been through so much. Will it feel like an empty void? Will those relationships still be there? Then I start thinking about all my relationships and friendships and I thank God. Faithful friends. Friends who tell me they love me, that I matter. Friends who make time for me. I guess just cause you may not talk constantly doesn't mean you are gonna lose one another. I believe everything in life happens for a reason. I believe God has brought these people into my life and me into theirs for reasons I have yet to know. But they will be revieled in time. I am sure of it.
God sees the friendships and blesses them. I am so thankful. Friends that have been there for years and let me cry with them. Friends that have been a listening ear no matter how much I feel lost. Thank you, I hope you know who you are.
God sees what I need in my life before even I know what it is. Thank goodness He is in control of my life cause I have no clue what I am doing!
I guess this is a ramble. But to be told I am always smiling makes me feel like I am doing something right and makes me thank God. Makes me realize that yes He is my Father, yes He won't leave me. Yes He loves me and is proud of me. I long to feel proud of. I hear people say that about their children and it makes me smile. There is meaning behind it. I want Cooper to know that. Maybe God is wanting me to know that. He is proud of me. Thank God I must be doing something right.
New chapters are hard to write but God has the pen. Not me. I will be going to the next Alpha. Maybe I can be that light for someone else. If someone sees it now it gives me hope that I am a changed person. That I am in Christ. That I am "fearfully and wonderfully made".
I really hope I made some sense.....going to bed now.....

1 comment:

Radlife said...

Alpha was the defining point for me in myearly walk with Christ. We didn't do the retreat weekend, which I thought took away from the whole thing. Butg in the long run it set up the journey that has been both depressing and fulfilling. As time goes on I am finding the battles moreintense and the victories even sweeter. Go with the Lord Misty because the journey is God's romance to us and the wedding is beautiful. Read the Song of Songs (Solomon)
God Bless