Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Am I becoming a hermit?

I don't like this. I am usually a pretty active person. I like being out and about. I like to always be on the go. I like to have things to do. To keep busy. But lately something seems to be wrong with me.
I am not sure how to respond in groups anymore. Not sure how to communicate it seems. It also seems like I am stupid. Forget the meaning of words, forget how to do things. What is wrong with me!!
I will be out at mom's group then all of a sudden I feel like I am freezing. I feel like panicking. Like I don't know what to do. I look for a way out. Don't get me wrong I totally love my mom's group. Have been starting to make some good friendships there. But for some reason it eats at me and then I get home and it is like a weight is lifted from my shoulders and I can relax.
Same with Church. All of a sudden I feel like the walls are just way too small. This is another thing too. There all of a sudden seems to be too many people. Too many eyes that can see me and my flaws. No way to hide.
What is wrong with me?
Have been feeling this way for a while. Mostly I can push it aside but lately it has becoming stronger. Like I have no life. Like I am being judged and looked at funny. It is me that doesn't like the way I look but my mind plays games with me and tells me that everyone else can see the same flaws that I do.
You know what? To be honest I am not even liking the phone much anymore. Find the computer easier. I know there are a few of you that are going to argue that but the reason I try to talk longer now is cause I want to be normal. I push myself. I used to love the phone!! LOL!! But now I do it cause it is easy to get a hold of people but I really force myself. Honestly.
So I stay home. I hate staying home. But it almost feels more "safe". I know it's not the truth but I have no idea what to do. Am I becoming a hermit? How do I break this? How do I become who I WAS??

Monday, January 29, 2007

Never too small to help someone else out

"Here Cooper I will help you to stand." Says Payton

"see Cooper..........over there"

Payton is really good with Cooper. Even when he yanked on her hair!! Such a good girl!!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

OK....this is way too cute NOT to share!!!

This morning Cooper got up at 6. But that is ok cause he slept from 7-6am. YAY COOPER!! Anyway.......today is the day that Phil doesn't have ot go into work until later on in the morning.
All of a sudden Cooper was quiet. I thought he was in his room. So I was quickly finishing up my devotion. Then I hear Phil "MMIISTTY" I get to the bedroom and see the door open. I was like oh no, Cooper woke him by playing with the cats dishes. There is gonna be water every where. So I go in there and there is Phil and COOPER on the bed.
Phil said that Cooper woke him up. He said, "I hear Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad and look up and he is standing at the foot of the bed. I can see his little head."
NOW HOW CUTE IS THAT!! (just now it sounded like he said, I got it Dad. He is playing with his monitor)
Phil said it was weird cause he is not used to being woken up by Cooper saying Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. He said it was neat. I think so too!!
Cooper knew where Daddy was and he went all the way in there and stood at the foot of the bed and called for him. Now THAT is pretty special!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

our morning

we went to Adventure Zone with my moms group today. It is an indoor play area for the kids. It is pretty neat. Here are some pics. Cooper wasn't so sure about the ball pit! LOL. And also here are some pics of our walk in the park today.

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

Cooper Update

He sounds better this morning. He still has a bit of a bark but all in all it does sound better then yesterday.
Last night was a little rough. He had some trouble sleeping from 3am on. So he got up at 6 something and then he was playing and his head kept hitting the floor cause he was tired. I have only ever seen him do that once before. So about a hour ago I tried to put him to bed. He fell asleep about 30 minutes ago. I am hoping that he gets some good sleep.
There is just something about your baby being sick that just wretches you inside. Makes fears more hightened and you more alert. I asked God to keep me alert to Cooper's needs. I think He did.
He is really clingy today and tired. I hope he continues to get better. Thanks to anyone that cared and anyone who decided to pray. Means a lot.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

There is a seal in my house

nope it's Cooper!!
I broke down and took him to the doctors. I felt like an ass going in just in case it was nothing but in my gut I thought it was croup.
It all started this morning. Heard him crying mixed with the bark of a seal. Then later in the morning he coughed and still sounded like a seal. I reluctantly went in to his doc. He confirmed my suspicions. My little boy has croup.
Now I have to watch his breathing and cough. If either of them get worse we are supposed to go to the hospital. They gave him the medicine orally minutes after. The doctor called down to the pharmacy and told the perscription and I walked down there and sat for a few minutes. Then it was done. He took the medicine well. It tasted like grape. I tasted the little bit on my finger. The pharmascist was shocked at how well he took it.
So now there is a part of me that is worried. I am hearing the seal even when he breathes. Hope it goes away with the one dose like he said it SHOULD.
I called Phil and told him and he said he thought it sounded weird this morning and he even thought he heard something out of the ordinary last night. Parental instincts. He had croup come to his mind too. We were right. Wonder if God was trying to tell us that. Either way my insticts were correct and even though I was reluctant to go to the doctors I am glad I did.
Good thing though, his lungs sounded clear. That is good. Hoping that he will get better!!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

OK so there is a good side

to Cooper waking up so early and Phil not working today.
We went for our first family swim. It was awesome. Cooper was so tired though. But he thought it was great fun.
Now we are home and Phil has gone out and Cooper is totally crashed with a full belly of warm milk and it is off to bed I go!!
Let's hope for some sleep!


Cooper woke up twice last night then at 10 to 5 this morning. Has not fallen back asleep. This is driving me nuts.
I am sick and have a sore back and in all honestly literally have zero tolerance. What the heck did I do wrong? Nothing. I am sure that it is ok but there is a little voice in the back of my head that says I am a failure.
He has always slept through the night. We have been very fortunate. But all of a sudden these last two weeks have been crappy. He wakes up then one of us is in there on the floor so he can see us until he falls asleep. Well, mainly Phil. Cause I am tired of this stuff that I just walk out after calming him or try to let him cry and fuss it out himself. He is not hungry. He just ate. He just has this wrong assumption that it is time to get up.
I am at a breaking point and am tired of this. Just want my baby back. He slept better for naps yesterday and that was a good thing. It is said that if they nap well they sleep well. Well, Cooper proved that wrong.
Oh the joys of being a mother. Wouldn't trade any of it for the world but come on!! When is my baby coming back. I know just as soon as you have them figured out they go and change again.
So I am sure he is going to be getting up soon. He is SO NOT going to last until 9 for his morning nap. Today is going to suck! Plus I have to go to the hospital and get a x-ray on my shoulder and then go across the street and see the specialist. I am hoping I get some sort of answers. Am tired of the pain and the numbness. Can't lift my arm or anything without the darn thing going numb. Maybe it is my elbow. I don't know anymore.
The only thing that I know is that I am a whiney, over tired, cranky mother. This should be fun!

Monday, January 22, 2007

In a good place

Was listening to our guest pastor yesterday and he was talking about Ruth and Naomi. How Ruth stayed with Naomi even though she didn't have to. She stuck with Naomi through her dark spots and hard spots.
He was talking about the trouble spots you may be in. The hard places that are dragging you down.
I have been in those trouble spots. The ones that feel like you will never come out of them. The darkness surrounds you. You think there is no way out and there is no light. You feel overwhelmed. You feel lost. Alone.
That is when it came to me. I am out of that spot. We are out of that hole. Sure I know that stuff will come our way again and there will always be trouble. Always stresses. Who knows I may sit here writing tomorrow about how I can't take something. Sure I feel at the end of my rope with Cooper's sleeping. But he is getting better (YAY!) and life just seems good.
I sighed. Thought about it. We are good. We are not in a hole. As of now we are good. We are happy. God pulled us out. Each and every time He pulled us through. We were broken and I think that we needed to be. We are learning our lessons but now we can see that there is hope at the end of this tunnel. That life is good.
What a relief. A weight came from my shoulders when I thought about it. We are not in a hole. We are going to be ok. Thank you Lord.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Last night

was fun. Went to a stamp party with a few close friends. I loved the fellowship. It was nice to get away from the baby. I love him whole heartedly but it is the times when I am away from him, even when I know he is sleeping, that make me appreciate him so much more.
The hostess said to me, I remember the first time I met you. You got so frustrated and confused with this whole thing that you got up and walked out.
She has told me this before, almost every time I am at one of those. I feel bad every time. I didn't remember doing that. She is a sweet lady. Michelle proceeded to say, yeah I remember that and I remember saying, ok Misty see you later. Michelle said that she knew that was just me. That is what I did.
Geeee.......great........Nice to be known for that. Walking away when things get tough. Makes me feel about this (pinching fingers close together) big. I never realized I was that bad and I am embarased that I was and am. I don't really walk away as much now. I just try to tough it out and figure it out step by step. In any situation. My defense is to run. You know the saying, flight or fight? Yeah I am the one who takes to flight.
Although now I would like to pretend that I am not that bad. That I have come a long way. In my mind and in my nieve little world I have. I try to stick things out. I try to do the best I can. Yeah I still want to hide sometimes. I still want to run and the fight to stay is hard. I try so hard. I hope that I won't be remembered as the one who ran away cause she got too frustrated. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the one who stuck it through to the best of her ability.
I guess I have a lot of work to do. However, like I said, I would like to think I have come further then that now.
I love when she recalls that memory but inside I am so embarased and ashamed of that person. Maybe one day she will say how much I have changed. LOL. One can hope. She really is a neat and fun person. Just sucks that I gave a terrible first impression. Just goes to show that those first impressions last a life time. That was years and years ago. What are you doing to leave your first impression? Time for me to change.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Frequent battle with Prayer

I know I may be nuts but why is it almost every time I try to pray there is a little voice within my head that says why bother? He isn't gonna answer it anyway. Who cares about the problems you are in right now. He isn't gonna answer them.
I know this is a lie. I know that He answers them in His timing and not mine. That is what can be frustrating most of the time.
This may all sound pathetic to you but here goes. I pray for Cooper to have a better nights sleep. And he doesn't. He is waking up like he is a few months old. I just don't get it. I will be sitting on the floor of his room praying for strength to get through this again. I will get through then I will thank Him. However, while I am praying it there is a battle ensuing. (I am sure I spelled that wrong!)
Why is it that I feel like there is no point. Why do I bother? I am not hearing the answers. I don't hear His voice. I used to think I did but lately I am not sure I am.
Last night I asked Phil to get up with Cooper and to do the crying round. I did the mistake of asking if he wanted to. You know what he said? Not really. Not really was his answer. What if I decided that I don't really want to do something around the house or for Cooper. Must be nice to make that comment. I talked to him about it this morning and he said he didn't even remember that. Either it is selective amnesia or he was really asleep. Which wouldn't surprise me because when I went into Cooper's room Daddy was instantly snoring. I don't blame him.
It got me wondering. Is God asking me if I want to do something and I am replying with "not really". I am gonna assume that it is totally non intentional on my part. I then start to wonder if my idea of not hearing God is just me ignoring him. Is He saying something and I am saying, "No God, not really. I don't want to right now." Ouch.
To think I am doing that hurts. Know what I have been discovering? It is easy to walk away. It is easy to stop doing the devotions or reading the blogs or showing a bit of myself out there for the world to see. It is a hell of a lot harder to come back. So then I go back to not doing it. It is so much easier to walk away. It is so much easier to believe that I have justifiable reasons not to read the devotions. To not read blogs. And that reason......they make me think. They make me examine myself and I don't want to go there.
I am a Christian. That means the road is easy now. Doesn't it? HA!!! Or am I? In my heart I know I am but am I showing it? I don't think so. I am letting myself be distracted. But it is SO much easier for me to do that. Then it is for me to sit here and fight the spiritual battle that ensues when I read His word. His message. I get dizzy.
When I pray I get lost. I forget what I was saying and I trail off. I know that He has the power to do anything in my life. That He has pulled me through countless times. What do I show for it? I walk away from the hard stuff.
I would say that I am going back there TODAY. I am trying. But to be honest it sure as heck ain't easy. What kind of example am I setting for my son? Sigh.....
So the battle of praying continues. I just pray that I will be stronger and get through this. I pray that I will be who I am supposed to be. I will pray that I will be a better person of God and to be a better example.
It starts with me, doesn't it??

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

This is crap!!

My kid has been so out of sorts lately. He cries for naps. I had worked so hard to get him on a routine for nap times and he was doing really well. Now all of a sudden he sucks at falling asleep. He wakes for a hour plus at night.
Yeah, yeah, yeah............I know he is a good baby. Doesn't change or belittle the fact that this is taking a blooming toll on me.
I turned the ringer off on the phone. The stupid phone rang before it got to the turn off setting. Yeah it woke him. 20 minutes is NOT A NAP!! And now he will not go back to sleep.
That's it!! I am becoming a hermit and not coming out of my house! We will get this kid back on schedule. And by we I mean ME. It always is. Sigh.......oh well. Thank God I can be home with him and that Phil is able to provide for us.
Going to get my crank bucket up and deal with an over tired baby. Tonight should be fun!! Grrrrrrrrr

oh and on another note my stupid computer keeps rebooting itself. Need to get it fixed. Don't have any money to do that though. My burner isn't working. What if I lose all of Cooper's baby pictures.
Yeah I have had about enough!!!!!!

9 months

can't believe my baby is nine months today. amazing!!

Sunday, January 14, 2007

We got out and went for a family hike

we went up to Bridal Veil falls. It was a hard hike with the baby in the Snugglie. We think he is too big for it now. Gotta use the hiker backpack now. There are a lot of pictures the falls were half frozen. It was amazing. wanted to share

he found his string on his hat. started to chew on it. I love this pic cause you can see how blue his eyes are!
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Daddy and Cooper on the frozen ice with the stream of water still moving beneath them.
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Cooper was having fun
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The half frozen falls
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Can you see Daddy and Cooper. Bottom near the left.
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Mount Ford on the way back.
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It was a beautiful day. I loved it. One to treasure. Perfect.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

This IS what overalls are for

isn't it?? I can't believe my husbands teeth are that strong!! Cooper loved it! Was laughing the whole time!!

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"I do not understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us."

-Anne Lamott

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Isn't she beautiful

Just like her mommy!!

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Cooper's new car seat came

I called and asked for a replacement cause the tether strap was fraying and they sent me a new one! Cooper and daddy checked out the box

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safe to play in!!
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Just the right size for a Cooper!!
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Thursday, January 04, 2007

My new "addiction"

tinting color onto black and white........Thanks Rod LOL

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My Utmost for His Highest today

Why Can I Not Follow You Now?

Peter said to Him, ’Lord, why can I not follow You now?’ —John 13:37

"There are times when you can’t understand why you cannot do what you want to do. When God brings a time of waiting, and appears to be unresponsive, don’t fill it with busyness, just wait. The time of waiting may come to teach you the meaning of sanctification— to be set apart from sin and made holy— or it may come after the process of sanctification has begun to teach you what service means. Never run before God gives you His direction. If you have the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt— wait."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


To be honest I am not sure I am getting the full meaning of this word. I however can tell you what went through my head at last Sunday's service.
Pastor Susan was talking about Grace. How Christmas was over and done with but she walked out to her living room and saw a present under the tree. She went over to it and looked at the tag. The tag said
"To Susan
Love: God your Father."
She went on to say....."Hmmm...that's intreging let's see what is in it."
Upon opening the gift she saw a note. She picked up that piece of paper and it read:
"To my precious child. I am giving you the gift of my grace. My grace will cover all your sins, everything that has happened in your past. It is sufficient to cover everything you will face in the future. My grace will sustain you. Its a gift for you, its free. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to do anything but just accept it. Even though you may not feel worthy to accept this gift – I am giving it you anyway. I love you."

You know what? While she was talking and reading about this my life was going through my head. A few years ago I was in a really tight spot. A black hole. A place I didn't think I would ever emerge from. And to be honest with you: I wanted to go Home. I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to go and be with my Father in Heaven. But God saw it another way. He brought pastor Susan into my life. He brought a lot of great ladies into my life. I began to realize and see that I was loved. I was wanted and God had better plans for me. That through His Grace this healing journey was begun.
As I sit here writing I feel a tug at my pant legs. I look down and a beautiful little boy smiles back up at me. No cares in the world. Just letting me know that he loves me. I smile back at him and he gets down and goes to play. Thanks Cooper. If I had gone through what I wanted to do back then I would not have my own little angel on Earth. I would have missed out on this wonderful blessing and opportunity. I would have let down my husband. My family. My friends. My Father. I am so thankful for His extended hand of Grace. He graciously reached for me and brought me to the place that He needed me to be.
Just this past year has been EXTREMELY rough. I am not going to get into it cause I feel that what I listed above was enough being real for now. BUT......I know that it is only because of God's grace that we have pulled through those spots and it is only by His grace that we are pulling through them now.
I remember someone once asked me how I knew it was God. I said I just do. No one else knows what I need and then we get the gifts that were given to us at just the right time. How the heck else can you explain it? It had to be God. There was no booming voice. There was no hellelujah moment. There was just all of a sudden what we needed at the time. Battling with this person I had to back away from the conversation cause I seriously felt like it was a spiritual battle. I couldn't put it into words. I couldn't explain it any other way but, It had to be God.
The things we received when we did had no better timing. No one else knew. We were silently going through it step by step but God saw it all. He provided too. With Phil working less hours once again I find that I am really not TOO stressed this time around. God provided last time so I just need to have the Fatih that he will provide for us again. That time and time again His never ending Grace will pull us through. I have to believe. I was there before. I was here before. I am here. He did it once I know He will keep doing it time and time again cause we are His. He loves us and He provides for us.
I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, family that loves me and a Father that lifts us up and holds us tight. A Father that knows what we need when we need it. A Father that will be ever so gracious expecting nothing in return.
"is sufficient to cover everything you will face in the future. My grace will sustain you. Its a gift for you, its free. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to do anything but just accept it. Even though you may not feel worthy to accept this gift – I am giving it you anyway. I love you."
Wow. He loves me even though I don't think I deserve it. He thinks and knows that I am worthy. I open the gift with a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. Thank you Father for your Grace. That even though I am not worthy You give it to me with open arms.
What an awesome gift. I am thankful that I accepted it. I know I wouldn't be where I am today if I turned my back on that present and just walked away. Leaving it to never be opened. I love where my life is. I love being a child of God. I love being a wife, a mother, a friend. There is no where else I would rather be. No matter how tight or hard things are getting. I wouldn't trade any of this gift for the world.
Thank you Lord. I love You. Thank you for loving me.