Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Choosing to live

The last few days I have heard a lot about dying to this world and choosing to live in Christ. I don't fully understand it to be honest. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts in this matter. I just can't seem to be able to understand it all.

I am pretty sure that the day I chose to accept Christ in to my heart I was choosing to live. Live in God's world. Live through His word. But lately I have been wondering if I do it.

I try to do the right things. I try to put others first. I am pretty sure I follow the ten commandments but sometimes I really wonder if I am really LIVING in Christ. I am so lost with this that it isn't even funny!

I know that right now I am going through some emotions and things that I am not ready to talk about but I am trying to fight. I am trying to trust God. To have faith in Him. However, I find myself fighting it. Giving in to the worldly thoughts, fears and worries. I go back to my old habits of worrying myself sick. I have to stop myself many times a day to pray. I am trying to get through it. I don't know how many times I have cried out to God. I can't count how many times I keep saying sorry. Sorry that I am not trusting. Sorry that I am trying to hold on. Sorry that I just don't understand. Thank God that He knows my heart. Because my mind gets in the way and muddles everything up. My heart wants all of Him. I want to live in Him, in His word.

I make goals but I don't keep them. I fail time and time again. Does He throw His hands in the air and say, "ah forget it. This one is a lost cause." Nope, He digs His heels in and holds me close as I try to fight it and run away. He digs in for the long haul. He wants me. He wants all of me. He has my heart. I trust Him more then anything in this world but my worldly mind tries to control things. To figure out and think about outcomes that are beyond my control. It needs to be all about Him. It needs to be all Him. I need God and His strength. So is that choosing to live in Him?

I want to live in Christ. I want to teach my son to choose God and to die to this world but how can I teach Him when I feel so lost myself? Guess this needs to be something I have to look up today....

I say I am choosing to live. Am I? Am I really? When I fight and when I worry is that failing? Is that giving in to this world? sigh....

told you my brain was muddled and confused!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Primetime with God - Daily devotional

seems rather fitting YET AGAIN!

by Os Hillman
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

If you've ever been through a major crisis, you probably know what a communications "black hole" feels like. While you are in the pit of adversity, you feel that your world is collapsing, that your life is out of control--and that God is silent. The silence of a black hole is deafening. You feel isolated and alone. You question God's love, His care for you, and even His existence.

But even when it seems that God is distant and silent, your "heat shield" is still there, firm and reliable. In your black hole experience, God is teaching you to go deeper into your relationship with Him. You may think that your life is out of control and burning like a meteor, but in reality God, your heat shield, still protects you from the fiery forces that surround you.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Verse from this morning

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

Sunday, March 22, 2009


So lately the big word that has been reoccurring for me is the word Trust. I don't trust easily unless I feel the right connection and then sometimes I trust too easily. A lot of the time that trust ends up being broken in one way or another. However that is what happens. We are only human after all.

Today I went up to "take the plunge" after church. For prayer to help trust God and to be patient and have the faith. This nice lady came and prayed with me. I think it is great when I get to hear people pray. You get to hear all the different ways God leads people to speak to Him on our behalf.

She had her arm behind me, kind of stopped me from falling backwards a bit as I was feeling dizzy. She asked me to close my eyes and just to picture Jesus. So I did. She asked what I felt or saw, I said that I felt His arms around me and He pulled me close to His chest. She asked me if I could feel His heart beat. I said I was pretty sure that I could. Then she asked me to listen to God. Asked what I heard. I said I heard "trust". She said that it was a big word.

So she continued to pray and talk to God. She asked that He talk to me and that I could hear Him clearly. Then she asked me if I could hear Him. I said yes. She asked what He said.
He told me "I will not abandon". She said that was a big one too. Then we thanked God for His words. She asked me to look in His eyes. She said, can you do that? I said no.

"why?" she asked

"Because He is too big for me to look at His eyes and I just want to keep my head on His chest right now."

Needless to say that was amazing. I loved it. I NEED to trust God. I need to be calm and just relax in Him. I find it hard as my mind takes over and goes in to over drive. I think way too much and have problems over analyzing things. I am taking things day by day. Trying really hard to. My life is in God's hands and it always will be. I am thankful that He pursues me and continues to love me in all my flaws.

I am trying really hard and I know my heart wants to trust but my mind gets in the way. This shouldn't be so hard so I try to hand it over to God. This morning I felt His presence as tears fell during a very powerful song. I felt tingles in my hands and warmth come over me as His wonderfully loving Holy Spirit washed over me. Whispering to trust. Telling me He is there.

I will trust. No matter how hard I have to work to fight off my own brain. A wonderful journey and feeling.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Had this come to my mind last night as I was praying

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

the trip was great!

we have been back for about a week now but I just didn't know what to write. Imagine that!

I needed that break too. I don't feel AS attacked as before I left. It was a great time with all my family. Most of the family seperated to do the bigger rides but Phil and I stayed with Cooper. We had a blast.

Cooper loved the teacups. Well, basically anything that went round and round. Mommy didn't like it so much. But it was all worth it for him. Daddy and I were burned and we arrived at LAX to go home only to find our plane was delayed due to SNOW!

He did great traveling. No major melt downs the whole time. He really liked Mickey. here are a couple pics.

safe in his carseat on the plane

round and round on the tea cups.

hanging on to daddy because it was going so fast. (I just kept my eye in the view finder. lol)

family shots.
with Mickey

with Woody and Jessie

and how can I forget Cooper's FAVORITE! He loves McQueen and Mater. He was hesitant to touch him at first. Like "could this really be real!" but then was super excited when he did touch him. That was a highlight for him as well as Daddy and I.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


in less then 12 hours I will be waiting for our airplane. In 12.5 hours I will be loading the carseat on to the plane and getting ready to fly.

we are packed and ready to go.

Heading to DISNEYLAND! All expenses (except for spending $) are paid. I am so excited. There will be pictures when we get back. I hope Cooper likes it!

BYE BYE Blog world!!

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Some words I need to focus on

and it is ME that needs to learn to just hold fast to the scripture.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I really have nothing more to say. My mind is a muddle of mush and I don't even want to be in there! sigh......

Monday, March 02, 2009

You are NOT worthy

that sentence from the enemy rings so loud and true in my own mind right now. Tonight I tried sharing what was on my heart and everyone got up and walked out. I am sure it was unintentional and they must not have realized I was sharing but it hurt me deep. Last night a friend got up and walked out on me because of a disagreement.

I have slowly been letting my walls back down, slowly starting to let people in but it has turned out to just bite me in the ass. It breaks my heart when people walk out on me. It proves to me that I am NOT worthy.

God is fighting for me telling me I am worthy. Yet the actions of others ring loud and feel true. It hurts. It hurts bad. I can't stand being hurt. I am sure no one can really.

So standing up for myself has only caused conflict and made me to feel even more unworthy then before. I feel so hurt and lost that I really don't know what to do. I know the enemy is playing on it and having a hay day with it. I will make sure I try to reach to God but right at this moment I feel so lost that I don't know how to.

I am not worthy.

Yes I AM.

sigh..........what is the truth? God.