Saturday, February 28, 2009

Risk - Part two

Sure every day we take risks. You risk getting in to the car when you go to drive some where. You risk that every night you wake up the next morning. Last night I heard some talk on risk. On taking those risks. That in essence risk = faith. So true.

I am not the type that likes to take risks. Depends upon what it is but I am not one who likes confrontation or new things. Yet usually these "new things" end up being good things. Walking with God is a Risk we choose to take. My heart wants it all soooo bad. Yet I can hear myself standing there arguing.

Risk is faith. Having the faith to do something that scares you or you are not comfortable with is sometimes a hard thing to over come. Last night I took the "risk" of going to this place where I knew no one. I knew OF three people. I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I was feeling alone. I had someone pray with me and tell me that I was welcomed and to allow myself to feel His love and feel His arms wrap around me. At the end we were invited up for prayer if we wanted it. I swear she looked RIGHT AT ME and it pierced through to my heart. Like God was telling me, "baby, get up. Go and ask for prayer. You are safe here."

"But I don't want to. I barely know these women. It is out of my comfort zone. It is stretching me too thin and I really, really don't want to be broken."

"I am stretching you so that you can see that I am here to support you. I am here to guide you and give you the peace that your heart so desperately desires. Stop fighting it and trust me baby. Trust me."

"I am scared."

"I know you are but trust me I am that risk that is worth taking. You will never regret it."

So what did I do? I stood up and went up to talk to them. Just to talk, not to ask for prayer, not to let myself be vulnerable. Not to allow the risk of showing my hurts, my pain, my fears. But GOD allowed it. I felt like a complete moron! I barely know these people. They are going to think I am psycho. They are going to think that I belong in a nut house. They are going to hate me and not want to be near me or around me. All lies from the devil. He is a tricky bugger. Makes it so that you BELIEVE his damn lies and you stay in that comfort zone, you don't let people in. You keep up those walls. You knock yourself down. After all he doesn't want you to get close to God because that will defeat him. He wants you to stay stuck. To not feel like YOU are a risk worth taking.

So I took the risk. Was it worth it? I think it might have been. Although I do find myself sitting wondering if I said the wrong words, if I blubbered like an idiot, if I looked stupid for crying. But what is God doing? Telling me to stop. Telling me that He is PROUD of me for taking that risk. I can't believe it. HE IS PROUD OF ME. Really? Why? I may not get a clear answer there but I think all these steps are a part of my journey. My little bit of hell and struggle. He is the light in this hell, the warmth in this cold room, the arms that carry me when I can not walk anymore.

I am scared. I am very scared. Fear stops me. It always has. Unless it is to protect someone else I am not worth taking that time to protect or to grow. But my heart wants to grow. It wants to take the risk. I know that God is worth it. I am slowly starting to understand that He really does love me. His arms pulled me close last night and held me. His words of kindness engulfed me. He made me to feel safe. I am safe in Him. I just have to step out of my box and take this risk. The risk to love. After all He sent His son as a step of Risk to save us. To save me. To save you. So if God really thinks that I am in fact worth it, then I need to know in my heart that God is worth it.

So I gingerly take the risk. I gingerly take the step. I am looking for the window out. I am wanting and needing healing. I can't go on much more the way I am. It can't get much worse in my heart. So as I sit here today I ask God,
help me to please take the risk that you are worth. Help to guide me. To keep me strong, to allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. To know that You are there. You will protect me. Thank you. Help me because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you for taking a risk on me. It is my turn to return the favor.

Risks are scarey.....fear sucks.....God is worth it. I am worth it. I CAN be free in Him.

Friday, February 27, 2009


there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

"The LORD is good, a refuge in time of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." ~Nahum 1:7


there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


The last few days I have been feeling a lot of bitterness and anger. This morning was and is no exception.

I don't know what is going on. I don't know if this is the enemy or not. I do know that today I have to make sure I dive in to the gospel. I have to.

I am ready to make some flipping heads FLY. I haven't been sleeping well. Can't get a nap in either. Last night the last time I remember seeing was 11:30. Only to be WOKEN up at 2:30 by the neighbors above me MOVING FURNITURE. Who the HECK moves furniture at 2:30 in the morning. I am thinking of heading up there today or making Phil. I should have gone storming up there this morning. Phil was woken by it but fell back asleep. I, on the other hand, did not. I fell asleep at 5:30, only to be woken by my GRUMPY child at 5:47 (yes exactly, looked at the clock). Throwing a fit because he didn't want to go back to bed. He didn't want to potty etc. He did go back to bed only to wake up at 6:20. Then up for the day. So I am running on about 4 hours of sleep. I don't know how people do it. I can't do it. Then you add a headache from not getting sleep, a sore neck, being itchy and crankiness. Sure I would ask for some cheese with my whine but the cheese is why I am itchy. Milk products don't like me unless it is organic.

So it is like I am a teapot that is about ready to let the whistle go and boil over. I am sure if you look at me you will see smoke coming out of my ears. You won't have to look hard either.

Then I have been arguing with my son (arguing with an almost 3 year old gets you really far in life, didn't you know). I have been arguing with Phil. I am feeling like I shouldn't be talking to anyone. I have been feeling sensitive and attacked. Right now the anger and frustration is just SEETHING from me. There is more but I am not going to mention it or get in to it here.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where this is coming from. I am really at a loss. I don't know if this is the enemy or if it is just my own fault. Either way I don't know how to kick it. I feel like I am spiraling down. I am looking forward to class tonight because I know there will be worship. I just feel SO DAMN DONE. I don't know what to do! I just want to pull my hair out and run away SCREAMING. I wish I could sleep but I have issues falling asleep and if I get woken up after finally falling asleep forget about it!

What is going on! I was reading "walking with God" and John talked about how his sleep was interrupted and it was an attack from Satan. Is that what is happening here? Guess I need to take these questions to God. I am not sure how to. It is times like this when I wish I had the amazing gift of tongues. I can't find the words at all. Time to go and read some of His word. Oh after I feed my hungry child. I have zero appetite and I know I should eat. I just don't want to!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Glory Defined - Building 429

Woke up with the chorus of this song in my head. Seems pretty fitting. Will listen to the radio today rather then CD's. Just in case I get to hear it.

Glory Defined - Building 429

There's always a better way
there's always a bridge that needs crossing
there's always the straight and the narrow
the wide and the shallow
But I know that you're guiding me
and the best is yet to come
You've given me hope for tomorrow
and I know some day

I'll wake up to find
Your glory defined
and I will finally bow at your feet
I will lift up your name in honor and praise
when I cross over Jordan
I know that I'll be running home to you

It's always the simple things
it's always the obvious that crashes over me
It's always in front of me
it helps me to remember
this is what I live for
and I can't wait


there's never a question in your message
never a moment without your presence
there's never a doubt in my mind
that I'll


Monday, February 23, 2009

Who am I?

That is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I have been asking God again and again who I am. Why I am the way I am. Why I look the way I do. I keep hearing over and over that it is because He loves me. "I love you baby. You are perfect." Yet all I see is weakness and flaws. The tears well and want to fall.

Who am I?
The tears brim on the edge
of spilling over into
a heart that can't hold anymore.
Not knowing who I am and
why I am the way I am.
Not knowing what path You are
having me to walk down I
stop out of fear.
I hesitate to take the next step
and fight it as much as
I can but I am now tired.
I can't keep fighting against it.
Against the healing.
Against the pain.
Against the hurt.
Against the tears.
Against the new beginning.

Who am I?
I am weak.
I am human.
I cry, I ache and I break.
Breaking in to pieces I am afraid
I won't be able to be put back together again.
I see one set of footprints
and it is because You are carrying me.

Who am I?
I am a vulnerable daughter.
I am reliant on My Maker.
I have a heart wanting Him more.
I am a daughter saved by Grace.
Engulfed and wrapped in Your
forever loving mercy.

I am yours.
I am loved.
I am free.

I am not sure if that makes sense as the tears fall. I ache but I want to rely and lean on God so badly. I pray it and cry it out over and over and over. I need to let go of the feelings of the world and trust that God will NOT leave me. He will NEVER forsake me. He loves me just the way I am. Hurt, vulnerable, scared, lonely and real. He takes me as I am. He won't leave me. Praise God.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Within a matter of minutes

Yesterday afternoon I had a little nap. Before I fell asleep I asked God to please show me that He is there, to help me to understand His love for me. To understand and to just trust.

So when I woke up I had Isaiah 46:11 ring in my head. I thought maybe it was a verse about a lamb being carried by Christ. I liked that verse. So I went to look it up and read "What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do." ummmm....ok that doesn't make sense and doesn't seem relevant but I will write it down anyway.

So I went back to my concordance trying to find the specific verse I was looking for. I couldn't find it and was getting a bit frustrated. It was at this point I was ready to email a friend and ask where it was. Instead I stopped and asked God to help me find it and I heard the word "carry". So I went to that word. I FOUND IT! I was so excited.

To add to the fact that I found it I realized that I really was not far off. I was 6 chapters off. The verse I found, and was looking for, was found in Isaiah 40:11. "He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart". So I opened my journal and wrote down both verses. I looked at the bottom of the page I was writing on and I saw another verse. "God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'the Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.' " Hebrews 13:5-6

wow! That was three verses all in the matter of minutes. Then on my way home last night Chuck Swindoll, from Insight for living was talking. HIS message even rang true. He was talking about God's love and how He is there for us. I am actually planning on re-listening to the message online. He said something along the lines that we have received God's grace. That we didn't deserve God's grace but were given it anyway because of HIS mercy.

I just really felt God yesterday and heard Him talking to my heart. This morning I am tired and grumpy as all heck but I have tried a new thing. I turned to God. I prayed out loud, even as I puttered, and asked Him to give me the strength to get through the day. To fight this feeling of anger and grumpiness. Then I condemned the enemy and commanded him to leave in Jesus' name. I feel better already! I put down my foot and made the choice to reach to God. It felt good. I just have to remember to KEEP it up!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Spiritual Battles

You know, I really am not sure what they are or even if I go through them. I am sure we all do to a certain extent.

I have noticed lately that I get really dizzy and to the point where I almost pass out. Then I feel like I have to leave the area or the situation. Last night was no exception. I take a class at the local church and I have been really enjoying it. I was standing there worshiping and the songs were great. Felt them in my heart so deeply. Then the tears fell. I was "worried" about someone seeing me cry and the dizziness was getting to me so I turned around, with my head down and left to compose myself.

I had dream after dream last night of fighting this fight. But it is the good fight. Right? The thing is that I know in my heart that this is the Good Fight. So I stand shaking but ready to fight. My suit of armor clad upon me.
I am looking for a certain verse about running the race and fighting the good fight and came across this verse. It seems pretty fitting.

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1Timothy 6:12

I want to be able to be like Paul and say these things. I want to be able to be a witness to Christ, to be able to stand strong and say "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2Timothy 4:7

So with perseverance I stand ready. At least I know I HAVE to stand ready. I can't stay stuck where I am. I have the good days and the bad days. I MUCH prefer the good days of being high on God. The speaker last night made a good point about how when you get in to the word of God the enemy sneaks in and gets you in your weak points. He hits you where he knows that your insecurities lie. Then it ends up getting you so lost and stuck in to the darkness that you become silent. Then the enemy is pleased because he has encouraged you to keep silent. To not talk to God. When you don't talk to God the enemy wins.

Satan sucks and it would just be better that he didn't exist but you really can't have one without the other. Unfortunately he does exist but with God's help we can fight. We can stay strong.

So upon closing I found the verse I was looking for. Today I will chose to let God do the healing. I know it won't be easy. I know it is going to hurt like hell. I know that I may crash BUT I also know that this is the good race and this is the good fight. God IS with me. He will NOT leave me. I have to remember that. Whether I feel Him here or not is irelivant, the fact that I KNOW He is there is what matters the most.
Our struggles on this earth are not against flesh and blood, but against higher things, more worldly things and spiritual forces. So today I will be trying to make a new choice. To stand ready to fight. With the armor of God protecting me. So I "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and [I will] run with perseverance the race marked out for [me]." Hebrews 12:1

I need to let go of the idea that I will do this alone because I won't. God is there, He is fighting with me and for me. He will send merciful peacemakers and people who will guide me and help me along this path. If I stop and think about that I know that it is already true. That He is already doing that. So time to grow up and fight the good fight! At this moment I stand bold (or at least try to anyway)and I will try. I will try to stop and be still in God.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


So last night the smoke alarm went off. Well I thought it was the smoke alarm. I thought how weird it was because we were done dinner and there was no smoke. I didn't even burn dinner! Then the following all happened in a matter of seconds.
I realized, hey that alarm sounds different. I think it is the fire alarm. Then I could hear the alarm out in the hall. These alarms only go off if there is a fire in the building somewhere. The strip on the sprinklers has to break in the area the fire is in for the alarms to go off. So off I go.

Cooper was great. Followed me. I ran to his room, grabbed his hat and bear. Then by the front door I grabbed his coat and shoes. Slipped my shoes on and picked him up. I reached for the front door and stopped. Wait! Have to check for heat. I didn't remember in the moment if it was the palm of my hand or back of my hand so I felt with both. Door was cold. I looked out the peep hole. No smoke or flames. So I opened the door and went out in to the hall. I went straight for the stair well. Telling people to come down the stairs and cross the street. Helped a mom with twins to guide them to the stairs. I got outside and across the street. Sat Cooper down and put his coat, hat and shoes on. THEN I realized I didn't grab my purse or my coat. Oh well not going back in and Cooper is safe.

Then I smelled it. The smoke was sickening. The fire department came, police closed off our street. A couple of lookie loos got in an accident at the end of the street. The firemen had to pull the lady out of her burning suite because she was walking around in the smoke looking for her cat! So she was taken to the hospital with smoke inhalation. So five fire trucks, two ambulances and a handful of police cars were on our street. As we were going outside from the building I told Cooper we get to see fire trucks. I was so proud of him. He listened to me and did really good. Phil was at his mom's. My neighbour let me use her phone and call her then he came home.

I found myself praying and thanking God that we were safe, and that we have house insurance! The fire was the floor below me and two doors over. Thankfully I have no smoke damage and we were allowed back in. My poor neighbour had to leave the building though.

I could have started to blame God because this was just another thing to add to all the crap but I surprised even myself. I didn't blame. I did nothing but praise and thank Him.
"I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm " - Casting Crowns

I chose to look at the positive. It could have been SOOOO much worse. I did make a joke to my neighbour saying, dang I just got those passports. Of course everything was in the house and I would have lost a lot but our place was fine. More importantly WE are fine. God was watching out for us. He had our back. He helped me keep a level head and get outside. My main focus was my child. I am sure if I had an animal I would have left them. Nothing against animals but your priorities change.

It is moments like these that I KNOW He is there. I need to make sure I try really hard to focus on that. Easier said then done. When the darkness and hurt engulf you you struggle. You don't know where to turn. The enemy plays on your insecurities. But as God made it evident last night, He really does care. He does watch out for ME. I don't get it but I guess there are things that just need to have the faith to believe in. THIS Father won't leave me. He loves me. He protects me. Now to let it sink in and try to remember it. To try to shake this darkness.

"Listen, my [daughter], accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many." Prov. 9:10

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


Happy Belated birthday honey!

I can't believe Sam turned 2 on the 15th. I remembered but forgot to post. sigh...At least I hope mom would forgive me for that! Sorry Chel...

Here she is just hours old

her dedication done on June 24. So about 4 months old

mom you can shoot me later but I think it is a nice picture!

Just this past Christmas

Surrender: Let Go and Let God Work

by Rick Warren

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Psalm 37:7 (GWT)

*** *** *** ***

Surrendering your life means:

· Following God’s lead without knowing where he’s sending you;

· Waiting for God’s timing without knowing when it will come;

· Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide;

· Trusting God’s purpose without understanding the circumstances.

You know you’re surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work.You don’t have to always be in charge. Instead of trying harder, you trust more.

You also know you’re surrendered when you don’t react to criticism and rush to defend yourself.

Surrendered hearts show up best in relationships. You are not self-serving, you don’t edge others out, and you don’t demand your rights.

The most difficultthing for many people to surrender is their money. Many have thought, “I want to live for God but I also want to earn enough money to live comfortably and retire someday.”

Retirement is not the goal of a surrender life, because it competes with God for the primary attention of our lives. Jesus said, “You cannot serve both God and money,” (Matthew 6:24 NIV)and “Wherever your treasure is, your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21 NIV).

The supreme example of self-surrender is Jesus. The night before his crucifixion Jesus surrendered himself to God’s plan. He prayed, “Father, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine” (Mark 14:36 NLT).

Jesus didn’t pray, “God, if you’re able to take away this pain, please do so.” He began by affirming that God can do anything! He prayed, “God, if it is in your best interest to remove this suffering, please do so. But if it fulfills your purpose, that’s what I want, too.”

Genuine surrender says, “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!”

This level of maturity doesn’t come easy.In Jesus’ case, he agonized so much over God’s plan that he sweat drops of blood. Surrender is hard work. In our case, it requires intense warfare against our self-centered nature.

Monday, February 16, 2009


I am not the type of person who easily says "I love you". Never have been. Been hurt too often and I have to REALLY feel it. Of course I feel love for some people but in order to say "I love you" it has to be from deep within.
Quite frankly I think it is more of the fact that I am afraid that if I tell someone I love them they will in turn end up leaving me. I have had that a lot this past year. It sucks. Alot. Then in my hurt I walk away. I put up a wall. Then I end up being alone because I am too afraid to let others in.

That is my downfall. I don't trust easily. Sometimes I jump in to things with both feet and I end up letting my guard down too easily. That is pretty dumb if you ask me. It only ends up with me getting hurt in the end. Only ends up with me building a stronger wall.
So I have pushed people away and people have pushed me away. It hurts. Deep down in my heart I hurt myself. I am lonely but it is my own fault. I don't know HOW to let my guard down and let people in.

I have realized that I am doing the same to God. Ouch. I wonder if His heart aches as much as mine. I don't want to not let Him in. I am told that He won't leave me. He won't stop loving me. After all Jesus died for ME. Yet for some reason I can't seem to get that to sink in.
I am a sinner. I am not trusting God. I need to trust Him. I want to trust Him. I have to do this walk in faith and that is the big key. So by not trusting God and by not fulling allowing His love in to my heart I am hurting the one who should matter the most.
I cut myself down. A lot. If I can learn to just let God in then I am sure I can let go of that. If I can just accept that He is love I can learn to love myself. But it is hard. It is really hard. The old habits of not letting anyone in so I don't get hurt is strong. I am afraid of God giving up on me. I am afraid of Him hurting me. I am afraid.
Fear. Fear is not of God! sigh....
yet I still have it. Part of me wants to be broken and to just fully give it over to Him but I am not sure how. The thing is that I KNOW if I ask Him to break me to the point where I can only rely on Him, He will. So I have faith in that. I also have faith that if He does break me He will be there to support me and encourage me. Yet I have not asked for it out of fear. There it is again fear.
Love is greater then fear, is it not? Yet my fear keeps me grounded and stuck. How do I get out? I read scriptures and everything. I understand what the scriptures, or devotionals are saying to me (most of the time). I can talk to people about God and Jesus, I LOVE to talk about it actually, yet here I sit confused. Confused, scared, alone. If only I can stop being so damn stubborn and trust that God loves me. He loves me no matter how ugly or fat I feel. No matter how blonde I can act. No matter how many times I get confused. Knowing that makes me want to cry. HOW. WHY. I don't deserve it.

"you are right baby, you don't deserve it. YOU think you don't deserve it but I think and feel you do."

"even though I don't give it all to you Daddy? Even though I struggle to hold on? Even though I LOVE you with all my heart I am scared."

"I know you are scared baby. I know your heart. I know you love Me. I know that your heart is true. I feel the struggle that you are going through. I won't give up on you. I will keep fighting for you day in and day out. I won't let go. For when you are weak baby I am strong."

"you won't EVER leave? *tears falling now* No matter how stubborn I am? No matter how scared I am?"


"Help me God. Help me to trust. Help me to let you in. To know that you are not going to hurt me. That all things that happen work out for your good. Help me to not guard so strongly."

"I am baby. I am. Step by step. You are working, you are struggling and that is ok. It is ok because I am right here."

That is hard. I don't like being hurt, who does, and when I let my guard down enough to love I get hurt. I end up alone. But it is all my fault. So I feel stupid. When I love it is fully and with my whole heart. So when I get hurt it is my whole heart breaking time and time again. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. Maybe it is time to just put all my love in to God. Keep my faith in Him. Know that He will guide me.

I am sure this won't make sense as it doesn't make sense to me! Dreams last night made me realize how bad I am aching. But it is ok. I am here in this time and place for a reason. God is with me. I have to have the faith. He will work this all out for good. Because He loves me. He loves me. Time to stop hurting Him. What a bad daughter I am...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD" (Ps 139:1-4)

Friday, February 13, 2009


*this is my view and my view only. This is NOT to start a debate. If it does at all the post will be removed. Discussion is fine but no debates, no knocking someone down and no name calling*

I am very fortunate to have been lucky enough to nurse Cooper. I was able to breast feed him until 15 months when I had to go on meds that I didn't feel comfortable taking while nursing. 19 months later I still have milk.
I LOVE pumping and nursing. I found it made me feel like I had a great purpose. I was very lucky that I didn't get breast infections, I didn't have to fight for my supply and Cooper nursed well. To this day when I see people nurse I smile. I love the idea of it.
I was prepared before having Cooper that it would be painful. I didn't know JUST how painful it would actually be. Mind you it was only pain in the beginning as your body got used to clamps. lol! I was determined NOT to use formula. Although I do not find anything wrong with formula and I am glad it is there for those that choose to use it or can't nurse. When I see someone nursing I still feel like I have an infant nursing. It is the best feeling and I still have dreams about it. I do hope it is something everyone gets the opportunity to do!

Now here is why I bring this all up.
There was a video of Selma Hayeck (sorry if I spelt the name wrong) nursing a hungry African baby. Some people have been saying it was selfish, sick, what if she got a disease etc. Umm..the risk of disease transfer while breast feeding is a lot lower then the fact that a child will die from hunger. I think it was a very unselfish thing for her to do. To be honest I think I would have done it as well.

There are mother's out there that freak out if their children see a nursing baby. The breasts were created for milk far before they were seen as sexual. Think about it. Think about how God made it all work, that the milk flows, it is life giving and nurturing. There is nothing better. Oh no! Don't look now there is a child eating their meal! I see a breast. Good gravy people!

I also don't think a mother should have to go in to a bathroom to nurse, or be kicked out of a restaurant or anything just because she is nursing. I don't even think you should have to cover up. I cover up because I am more modest. But who knows if I have another child I may not be so modest! After all do you sit in the bathroom to eat, do you get kicked out of a restaurant, do you eat with a blanket over your head?

This just has been on my mind since seeing the wonderful video. I probably would have nursed until at least 2, or whenever he self weaned. I have not ever blogged about it yet because there is so many opinions on the matter. But this is my blog and my thoughts. This just happens to be one of them! I hope everyone is blessed enough to nurse a child. I think it is a great gift from God.

and THAT is my two cents on the matter.....

Sunday, February 08, 2009

This and that.

It has been a couple days. Lately I have been blogging a lot more. However I have been dealing with some hurt and trying to sort things out. I wasn't too sure I was ready to post.

I started to miscarry back in June of 2008. My due date was on the 2nd of this month. Yes I took it hard. You can roll your eyes or leave the blog, it doesn't matter to me. Because the fact that I was "only 5.5 weeks" is significant to me. Yes it was a life and yes I was and am still grieving. I never allowed myself to grieve in the first place.

So instead of holding a new baby in my arms or anticipating labor on that day I got to go for my very first mammogram. Yes it was GREAT FUN! No sarcasm what-so-ever! LOL! Yeah I have heard those things were painful and people were right. The fact that the date was already bothering me didn't help. Neither did the cold technician.

My doctor is not worried about the lump so neither am I. I obviously trust my doctor with my life and to top it off I trust GOD even more. So that is pretty huge for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing because I sure as heck don't. So I didn't have to worry about nursing or being pregnant to do these tests. I go for an ultrasound on said breast later this month. Wahoo! But I really am not concerned. It helps to have a doctor that listens to you and validates your feelings. That will tell you how it is and be straight to the point. If she isn't worried neither am I.

I have withdrawn from a lot lately. It is no one's fault but my own. I do that even without realizing. I don't really talk to anyone about things going on in my head or in my heart because I don't want to be judged. I will be judged because we are all human and unfortunately that is what human's do. Whether they mean to or not. You can see it in their faces.

So I have been trying to just let the tears fall because I did feel a little better when I allowed myself to cry. If you know me well enough or you have been following this blog long enough, you know that I don't allow myself to cry. For some reason I have to hold a higher standard for myself then anyone else.

Although this may be a storm right now or I may have a battle in my soul I sit here with a thankful and grateful heart. A heart full of thanksgiving to God. Sure I am a bit angry, a bit sad and frustrated but I am thankful. Why? Because I know that in the midst of this storm God is carrying me. When I am no longer strong enough to keep walking He has me in His arms and is carrying me.
The storms that I may go through will be for good. God does not do wrong or bad things. They are all for good. They will work out for His Glory. I may not see it now but years down the road or even months I may look back and go "WELL DANG! That makes sense and that is why I went through that."

I know He has a plan for my life although I do not know what it is. I will choose to be ok with that. I will choose to keep healing, keep stretching and keep feeling. I am with Him in faith. I am so thankful that in this time He is using it all for good. Sure I hurt. Sure I can sound or act strong but I am not. I am hurting inside. I am not ready to let out all the things I am thinking. I am not ready to let anyone in. I am not ready to pour my heart out. BUT I am ready to walk in Faith, to Trust and to keep on keeping on.

Just a bit about me. Don't be surprised if this gets deleted. Just something about telling the world about my mammogram makes it feel a bit personal. Yet you never know who you can help just by telling the story that you are walking. He is right beside me, walking with me hand in hand. Thank You.

Monday, February 02, 2009


One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Taking the Plunge

The service today was on betrayal and trusting God. The pastor at The Bridge talked about Esau and Jacob.

At the end of the service they invite people to "take the plunge". To step up and receive prayer. Today they challenged us to come up, if we wanted, and have our hands anointed with oil. Symbolizing that we were receiving blessing for the work that we make with our hands and finances that we bring in. At the end of Genesis 28 it mentions how Jacob found God and decided that "all that you give me I will give you a tenth." v. 22

Here Jacob was worshiping God and telling Him that he will give back 10%. That has been a real struggle for us. We find it hard to part with that money but as we came in to the new year both Phil and I decided to make that choice. To give back to God what rightfully belongs to Him in the first place. After all it is God who is granting us this money and our jobs. In this time of uncertainty we rely on God and thank Him for what we do have.

So I decided to take the plunge and step up. Have my hands anointed, blessed and prayed over. I asked Phil if he wanted to come with me and he had said no. That he didn't feel the need to come up. So I went up by myself. Then I felt Phil come stand beside me and we took the plunge as a couple.

The lady that came up and put the oil in my hand said a prayer. It was an amazing experience. I couldn't hear her words but what I FELT was mind boggling.

I may lose people here but honestly this happened....

The lady put the oil in my hand. First my right then my left. It was an incredible moment. I FELT like my hand was being pierced. I pictured Christ having His hands nailed to the cross. Felt the piercing through my own hand and wondered how He endured that. How and why He was able to do that for me. Why? Because He loves me. I am still thinking about the how He could do it but I think it may be because He knows His Father, our Father, loves him.

At first I was a skeptic. I thought maybe it was whatever oil they were using. That maybe it was reacting with my skin. But then in that exact moment I decided to believe it was God and to feel His presence. I didn't feel the same sensation in my left hand. Oil was put in both. So if it was from the oil I would have felt it in that one as well. But I didn't. It was only in my right hand and almost made me buckle at the knees. It wasn't painful feeling just pressure and it literally felt like a nail was being driven through my skin, through my hand. Felt about an inch in diameter. It felt so real that I had to close my eyes and when I opened them I even felt I had to look at my hand. There was nothing there. I can still feel the sensation a bit.

It was like Jesus was sharing His pain with me, showing me that He is here. That He is blessing us and will take care of us. That His hands are strong and will help us. Although it may be a tough time and I rebuke Satan when he starts to tell me, well if you didn't tithe you could have.....I am choosing to trust God. I rebuke Satan and tell Him that God has my back and will support me and my family. I am choosing to trust in God.

So I left service thanking God and praising Him for the feeling He gave me. I tried to explain it to Phil as well and I worried he would think I was crazy but he didn't. I try to get the words out now and it just seems like the words don't justify the experience. It was a great experience that I hope to always treasure and remember. I feel blessed by Him. I trust Him and will continue to walk with Him. Whether I FEEL Him or not. I walk in Faith. I believe it was my faith that allowed me to feel a part of Him in the moment. I feel very blessed and am grateful for the experience. I am glad I took the plunge.....