Sunday, February 08, 2009

This and that.

It has been a couple days. Lately I have been blogging a lot more. However I have been dealing with some hurt and trying to sort things out. I wasn't too sure I was ready to post.

I started to miscarry back in June of 2008. My due date was on the 2nd of this month. Yes I took it hard. You can roll your eyes or leave the blog, it doesn't matter to me. Because the fact that I was "only 5.5 weeks" is significant to me. Yes it was a life and yes I was and am still grieving. I never allowed myself to grieve in the first place.

So instead of holding a new baby in my arms or anticipating labor on that day I got to go for my very first mammogram. Yes it was GREAT FUN! No sarcasm what-so-ever! LOL! Yeah I have heard those things were painful and people were right. The fact that the date was already bothering me didn't help. Neither did the cold technician.

My doctor is not worried about the lump so neither am I. I obviously trust my doctor with my life and to top it off I trust GOD even more. So that is pretty huge for me. I trust that He knows what He is doing because I sure as heck don't. So I didn't have to worry about nursing or being pregnant to do these tests. I go for an ultrasound on said breast later this month. Wahoo! But I really am not concerned. It helps to have a doctor that listens to you and validates your feelings. That will tell you how it is and be straight to the point. If she isn't worried neither am I.

I have withdrawn from a lot lately. It is no one's fault but my own. I do that even without realizing. I don't really talk to anyone about things going on in my head or in my heart because I don't want to be judged. I will be judged because we are all human and unfortunately that is what human's do. Whether they mean to or not. You can see it in their faces.

So I have been trying to just let the tears fall because I did feel a little better when I allowed myself to cry. If you know me well enough or you have been following this blog long enough, you know that I don't allow myself to cry. For some reason I have to hold a higher standard for myself then anyone else.

Although this may be a storm right now or I may have a battle in my soul I sit here with a thankful and grateful heart. A heart full of thanksgiving to God. Sure I am a bit angry, a bit sad and frustrated but I am thankful. Why? Because I know that in the midst of this storm God is carrying me. When I am no longer strong enough to keep walking He has me in His arms and is carrying me.
The storms that I may go through will be for good. God does not do wrong or bad things. They are all for good. They will work out for His Glory. I may not see it now but years down the road or even months I may look back and go "WELL DANG! That makes sense and that is why I went through that."

I know He has a plan for my life although I do not know what it is. I will choose to be ok with that. I will choose to keep healing, keep stretching and keep feeling. I am with Him in faith. I am so thankful that in this time He is using it all for good. Sure I hurt. Sure I can sound or act strong but I am not. I am hurting inside. I am not ready to let out all the things I am thinking. I am not ready to let anyone in. I am not ready to pour my heart out. BUT I am ready to walk in Faith, to Trust and to keep on keeping on.

Just a bit about me. Don't be surprised if this gets deleted. Just something about telling the world about my mammogram makes it feel a bit personal. Yet you never know who you can help just by telling the story that you are walking. He is right beside me, walking with me hand in hand. Thank You.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Remember to let yourself grieve. Cut yourself some slack.