Monday, February 16, 2009


I am not the type of person who easily says "I love you". Never have been. Been hurt too often and I have to REALLY feel it. Of course I feel love for some people but in order to say "I love you" it has to be from deep within.
Quite frankly I think it is more of the fact that I am afraid that if I tell someone I love them they will in turn end up leaving me. I have had that a lot this past year. It sucks. Alot. Then in my hurt I walk away. I put up a wall. Then I end up being alone because I am too afraid to let others in.

That is my downfall. I don't trust easily. Sometimes I jump in to things with both feet and I end up letting my guard down too easily. That is pretty dumb if you ask me. It only ends up with me getting hurt in the end. Only ends up with me building a stronger wall.
So I have pushed people away and people have pushed me away. It hurts. Deep down in my heart I hurt myself. I am lonely but it is my own fault. I don't know HOW to let my guard down and let people in.

I have realized that I am doing the same to God. Ouch. I wonder if His heart aches as much as mine. I don't want to not let Him in. I am told that He won't leave me. He won't stop loving me. After all Jesus died for ME. Yet for some reason I can't seem to get that to sink in.
I am a sinner. I am not trusting God. I need to trust Him. I want to trust Him. I have to do this walk in faith and that is the big key. So by not trusting God and by not fulling allowing His love in to my heart I am hurting the one who should matter the most.
I cut myself down. A lot. If I can learn to just let God in then I am sure I can let go of that. If I can just accept that He is love I can learn to love myself. But it is hard. It is really hard. The old habits of not letting anyone in so I don't get hurt is strong. I am afraid of God giving up on me. I am afraid of Him hurting me. I am afraid.
Fear. Fear is not of God! sigh....
yet I still have it. Part of me wants to be broken and to just fully give it over to Him but I am not sure how. The thing is that I KNOW if I ask Him to break me to the point where I can only rely on Him, He will. So I have faith in that. I also have faith that if He does break me He will be there to support me and encourage me. Yet I have not asked for it out of fear. There it is again fear.
Love is greater then fear, is it not? Yet my fear keeps me grounded and stuck. How do I get out? I read scriptures and everything. I understand what the scriptures, or devotionals are saying to me (most of the time). I can talk to people about God and Jesus, I LOVE to talk about it actually, yet here I sit confused. Confused, scared, alone. If only I can stop being so damn stubborn and trust that God loves me. He loves me no matter how ugly or fat I feel. No matter how blonde I can act. No matter how many times I get confused. Knowing that makes me want to cry. HOW. WHY. I don't deserve it.

"you are right baby, you don't deserve it. YOU think you don't deserve it but I think and feel you do."

"even though I don't give it all to you Daddy? Even though I struggle to hold on? Even though I LOVE you with all my heart I am scared."

"I know you are scared baby. I know your heart. I know you love Me. I know that your heart is true. I feel the struggle that you are going through. I won't give up on you. I will keep fighting for you day in and day out. I won't let go. For when you are weak baby I am strong."

"you won't EVER leave? *tears falling now* No matter how stubborn I am? No matter how scared I am?"


"Help me God. Help me to trust. Help me to let you in. To know that you are not going to hurt me. That all things that happen work out for your good. Help me to not guard so strongly."

"I am baby. I am. Step by step. You are working, you are struggling and that is ok. It is ok because I am right here."

That is hard. I don't like being hurt, who does, and when I let my guard down enough to love I get hurt. I end up alone. But it is all my fault. So I feel stupid. When I love it is fully and with my whole heart. So when I get hurt it is my whole heart breaking time and time again. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. Maybe it is time to just put all my love in to God. Keep my faith in Him. Know that He will guide me.

I am sure this won't make sense as it doesn't make sense to me! Dreams last night made me realize how bad I am aching. But it is ok. I am here in this time and place for a reason. God is with me. I have to have the faith. He will work this all out for good. Because He loves me. He loves me. Time to stop hurting Him. What a bad daughter I am...

1 comment:

rodbot said...

honestly, You get a big part of bible with out actually getting it.

your right you don't deserve it.
I don't deserve it.
no one does.

thats GRACE!!!

thats the point!!!!

God knows we don't deserve it.

he loves us anyways. he is bigger then out doubts/fears/ disobediance

his love is bigger then all that.