Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Am I becoming a hermit?

I don't like this. I am usually a pretty active person. I like being out and about. I like to always be on the go. I like to have things to do. To keep busy. But lately something seems to be wrong with me.
I am not sure how to respond in groups anymore. Not sure how to communicate it seems. It also seems like I am stupid. Forget the meaning of words, forget how to do things. What is wrong with me!!
I will be out at mom's group then all of a sudden I feel like I am freezing. I feel like panicking. Like I don't know what to do. I look for a way out. Don't get me wrong I totally love my mom's group. Have been starting to make some good friendships there. But for some reason it eats at me and then I get home and it is like a weight is lifted from my shoulders and I can relax.
Same with Church. All of a sudden I feel like the walls are just way too small. This is another thing too. There all of a sudden seems to be too many people. Too many eyes that can see me and my flaws. No way to hide.
What is wrong with me?
Have been feeling this way for a while. Mostly I can push it aside but lately it has becoming stronger. Like I have no life. Like I am being judged and looked at funny. It is me that doesn't like the way I look but my mind plays games with me and tells me that everyone else can see the same flaws that I do.
You know what? To be honest I am not even liking the phone much anymore. Find the computer easier. I know there are a few of you that are going to argue that but the reason I try to talk longer now is cause I want to be normal. I push myself. I used to love the phone!! LOL!! But now I do it cause it is easy to get a hold of people but I really force myself. Honestly.
So I stay home. I hate staying home. But it almost feels more "safe". I know it's not the truth but I have no idea what to do. Am I becoming a hermit? How do I break this? How do I become who I WAS??

1 comment:

deadly_wmn said...

I know how you feel.... at times I've gone out into public, shopping or whatever, and I feel completely socially retarded. We are alone with our thoughts and a baby all day....
There have been days I don't know how to speak to other adults in society.... I continue to amaze myself! hahahaha