Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Frequent battle with Prayer

I know I may be nuts but why is it almost every time I try to pray there is a little voice within my head that says why bother? He isn't gonna answer it anyway. Who cares about the problems you are in right now. He isn't gonna answer them.
I know this is a lie. I know that He answers them in His timing and not mine. That is what can be frustrating most of the time.
This may all sound pathetic to you but here goes. I pray for Cooper to have a better nights sleep. And he doesn't. He is waking up like he is a few months old. I just don't get it. I will be sitting on the floor of his room praying for strength to get through this again. I will get through then I will thank Him. However, while I am praying it there is a battle ensuing. (I am sure I spelled that wrong!)
Why is it that I feel like there is no point. Why do I bother? I am not hearing the answers. I don't hear His voice. I used to think I did but lately I am not sure I am.
Last night I asked Phil to get up with Cooper and to do the crying round. I did the mistake of asking if he wanted to. You know what he said? Not really. Not really was his answer. What if I decided that I don't really want to do something around the house or for Cooper. Must be nice to make that comment. I talked to him about it this morning and he said he didn't even remember that. Either it is selective amnesia or he was really asleep. Which wouldn't surprise me because when I went into Cooper's room Daddy was instantly snoring. I don't blame him.
It got me wondering. Is God asking me if I want to do something and I am replying with "not really". I am gonna assume that it is totally non intentional on my part. I then start to wonder if my idea of not hearing God is just me ignoring him. Is He saying something and I am saying, "No God, not really. I don't want to right now." Ouch.
To think I am doing that hurts. Know what I have been discovering? It is easy to walk away. It is easy to stop doing the devotions or reading the blogs or showing a bit of myself out there for the world to see. It is a hell of a lot harder to come back. So then I go back to not doing it. It is so much easier to walk away. It is so much easier to believe that I have justifiable reasons not to read the devotions. To not read blogs. And that reason......they make me think. They make me examine myself and I don't want to go there.
I am a Christian. That means the road is easy now. Doesn't it? HA!!! Or am I? In my heart I know I am but am I showing it? I don't think so. I am letting myself be distracted. But it is SO much easier for me to do that. Then it is for me to sit here and fight the spiritual battle that ensues when I read His word. His message. I get dizzy.
When I pray I get lost. I forget what I was saying and I trail off. I know that He has the power to do anything in my life. That He has pulled me through countless times. What do I show for it? I walk away from the hard stuff.
I would say that I am going back there TODAY. I am trying. But to be honest it sure as heck ain't easy. What kind of example am I setting for my son? Sigh.....
So the battle of praying continues. I just pray that I will be stronger and get through this. I pray that I will be who I am supposed to be. I will pray that I will be a better person of God and to be a better example.
It starts with me, doesn't it??

1 comment:

So I Go said...

these are all understandable; you're totally and completely human and if any one of us say we haven't felt this way at one time or another (especially when parenting young children), we'd be stretching the truth.

you're going through a trying time at home, probably not getting the sleep you should (not your fault).. and without it, the world just seems set in grey.

keep praying.. don't stop. somehow i know you won't. He is there, and He will answer. Maybe not the way you think He should, or when He should.. but He's promised over and over again that He is listening and will respond in His time and His way.

peace my friend.. be encouraged, Spring will come soon and hopefully with it.. a great sleep schedule too. :-)