Friday, April 17, 2009

ups and downs

I have good days and bad days.

I have noticed when I wake up angry with the world and stop to pray it has really helped. I just have to STOP and remember to do it...

Today I held a baby at mom's group. It is the first time I have been to mom's group in a couple months. Just circumstances didn't allow me to go and then the loss made me want to stay away from every one!
This sweet little boy stayed sleeping in my arms. It was hard to listen to people talking about the person being pregnant next to me but I was so happy for her at the same time. I looked down at this perfect baby boy and just smiled while I tried to fight the tears. Feeling like a FOOL the whole time.

I have been hearing and seeing God, just not allowing myself to acknowledge it. The enemy and my own thoughts really throw me for a loop a lot. I LOVE pregnant bellies, I love new babies (babies period).

I have noticed that I have been doing something VERY new to me. I have been taking things day by day. Step by step. Emotion by emotion. I have been re-reading "The Shack" again. Well trying to at least. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about tonight or four months down the road. I try not to think about it at least. I try to just take everything as it comes.

Right now it is a battle, most of life is. I am battling my own thoughts and trying to control a situation, which I am succeeding at because it is the ONE place I can control. Or so *I* think.

I guess there is really not much to say. Just that I have the ups and downs. But I KNOW better and I KNOW God is here. That He will help me through. I realize a little that He does have enough love for me. He must.....Maybe He is trying to tell me He doesn't love me any less or think of me as a failure although I sit beating myself up. There just seems like I have so much I need to do. So many areas to improve. So there is ups and downs. There is good and bad. There are moments. But I keep going day by day. If not for me then for my son and husband. Day by day. Prayer by Prayer.

1 comment:

wilsonian said...

Taking it a day at a time is the only way. We're only given a day at a time... we lose out so much when we (yes, I'm preaching to myself here) fail to be fully present.