Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Three Strikes and.............

Yoooooooooooooooooou're OUT!

That is the constant saying that goes over and over in my own mind. This is not going to be a pleasant blog but I am hoping that by writing it I may be able to help myself. Maybe there might be someone else struggling with the same and understand. I still am not sure why I am sitting here writing this.

I FEEL like am a failure. I feel like I have let God down, my husband down, my son down, myself down and the child I could not carry to term. If you caught that, that is right I had another miscarriage. This baby I made it all the way to about 6 weeks 4 days. That is if I count it as when the bleeding first started.

I feel deflated, broken, hurt, angry, confused. Come on, three IN A ROW! What the hell! Then when I told someone about it they immediately started asking what was wrong, what is wrong with my body, why I can't carry another child to term. I said that I didn't know and asked for it to be dropped. I can beat myself up on my own without any help thankyouverymuch. I don't need any more help. I am doing a good enough job and Satan sneaks in there every moment.

I feel so numb that I can't pray. When I try praying I can't find the words. Just when I figured that I was holding it all together enough the tears squeak out. I just can't seem to keep them at bay.

My pastor this weekend was talking about grieving. I can tell you that I cried an awful lot that day. I tried to hide it but it couldn't stay hidden. He said that when he does funeral services he is glad to see those that are openly spilling their grief and tears and anger. He said it is the ones who keep to themselves and try to hold it all together that he worries about the most. But how can you NOT hold it all together. How can you try not to keep it together? I have to. I have a house to run. A house that is falling apart because I am trying to check out. He said that those who try to hold it all together are the ones who will end up having it come out sideways. That is the only thing I worry about.

I even found myself wanting to do something that would take away the pain. That will help me check out. But I can't. I have a toddler. I can't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep angry, I wake up angry and on the verge of tears. I don't want to keep crying but I can't guarantee when they will or will not come. I really don't have an appetite but have forced myself to eat.

Then like a cruel joke my stupid belly stares at me. As I double over in pain my belly still looks swollen a bit. I was already swollen and puffing out in the belly area just prior to the loss. I am blessed to have had and have caring people on my side but I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. I want to just check out. My hope is gone. I wait three months each time in between just to lose another one. Time and time again. I have said sorry so many times. I have been told that it is not my fault. How can it NOT be? It is my body. My body that is failing the baby. I can't seem to be able to bring these little angels to term so I fail God. I feel like I can't even talk to Him because I am so embarrassed. I can't find the words.

I know He has come to me a few times. I know He is there. I still hear Him. He has told me He is carrying me. That He hurts because I am hurting. But I push Him away. What kind of daughter does that? I guess you can say a hurting one.

I feel like I am out of the ball game. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to wait another three months just to lose another one. But then part of me wonders why I even bother trying! I can't do this. I need something to just sleep for a week. You add all the emotions on top of not being able to sleep and you have me. Just on edge. My family is suffering. I don't deserve to be around them. They don't need me as a mother and a wife. I am on edge and I don't know how to come off. Part of me just wants to jump.

I really don't know where this is leading. Just a lot of hurt. Pain. Anger. I wish I could turn to God but I just don't know how right now. I do know that I find myself holding Cooper a little tighter and thanking God a little more for him.

1 comment:

wilsonian said...

I'm so sorry, Misty.
There really aren't words for this.
It's not your fault. It's not your body's fault.

I look forward to meeting each of them one day.
You didn't get the chance to raise them,
but you made children who get to spend eternity with the King.