Friday, September 18, 2009

Being walked along with

Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.

Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.

Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.

My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.

I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.

It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.

I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.

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