Wednesday, November 25, 2009


You know, I have always been told during the hard circumstances and situations that one day I would be able to look back and see what God was preparing me for. It really does happen like that every time. In the situation I am frustrated and confused and scared etc. Who wouldn't be? I don't feel like God is there but I know deep down that He is.

I was hospitalized due to a break down at the end of April this year. I was there for 5 weeks. I felt SO much darkness in that ward and in my room and in my own heart. I felt like God wasn't there yet He kept sending me verses over and over.
I had people come to visit me that I didn't think ever would. Phil supported me and brought Cooper to me EVERY SINGLE night. Not missing even one night. Sometimes he would bring him by in the morning as well. It was heart breaking to not be with my family but I knew I had to be there for a season in order to get better.
The nurses and doctors helped me get meds figured out and manage life better. They helped me to get back on me feet. I can tell you now that I am grateful for that time spent there.

A lot of crap has been happening lately. Someone I know and love having their life threatened. Being told they would be killed. I don't know how to help them but just let them know I am here.
Family members feeling sick.
Feeling short on money. (what's new there. lol)

But as I sit here typing all this I can honestly say that I am doing fairly well considering all my circumstances. I know I am being vague but this is the way it has to be for right now.
I can look back now and know that God brought me through one storm so that I could get through the current one. I am not trying to do this on my own. I am trying to lean on God for strength. I am not strong enough to do it on my own, only He has the strength I need.
Getting words of wisdom and prayer from others just emphasizes that yeah He is listening. No matter how I feel like He may not be here. With everything that is happening I am quite surprised that I haven't gone down hill. I know that it is only by the Grace of God that I haven't. There is NO other way to explain it.

So I look back seeing that God was preparing me for this stuff. He was preparing me to be able to walk through this storm. Then I think, this storm will prepare me to walk through the next.
I am not usually able to see the Son in the midst of the storm but I have been able to this time around. I can honestly tell you that it feels WONDERFUL to know that God is here. That my Dad won't abandon me. That He is sending others to me in order to help me walk the journey. In order that I am not alone.

Sometimes the trials suck monkey butt but now that I can sit here knowing it was for my own good and it was to prepare me I am happy that God thinks I am worthy enough and strong enough to endure those times. I don't like those times but who rightfully does. But just knowing that the Father will NOT abandon me, hurt me, belittle me, judge me, abuse me, or stop loving me and that He is there provides a peace.
Although I have problems sleeping right now I just know that this too will pass, and I will be able to have the peace again. So while leaning on God I am also sharing with others as I felt lead.

Thankfully He was kind enough to prepare me.

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