Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Jealousy

I am really not sure how to post this without offending someone. My intentions are NOT to offend ANYONE. I just need and want to write out what I have been struggling with. It is about loses and pregnancies so stop reading now if you don't want to go any further.


As you may/may not know I have had three miscarriages this past year. Each time one happens it takes a bit more of me with it. Total of three in 9 months was just too much. During that time I knew 9 people in my life who were pregnant.

As their pregnancies progressed I was excited yet wondered, why not me? When will it happen for me? WILL it happen for me again? Don't get me wrong I know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful little boy.

Yet as the time goes on I find myself getting jealous. All those pregnant ladies are now having babies. I LOVE babies. Most people do...but there is a part of me that gets a sharp pain when I feel my own arms aching. I am so blessed to be able to hold these babies and love on them. When I come home and all is quiet that is when the tears fall, when the pain gets me.

I know jealousy is not of God. Yet I find it catching me too. I try to pray it away. I try to push it down but sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I am thankful for people that will listen. People that understand my pain. Even I can't put it in to words some days but just being silent seems to help. Looking at my little boy helps.

I have been told I won't forget but the pain will get less. I have been debating on writing this because I don't want to offend/hurt any pregnant ladies or any of my friends. I am grateful for my friends that understand. That know when I can't talk anymore. I just don't have it in me. Yet they continue to love me and support me.

I guess this is just rambling but I did need to get it out. Don't be surprised if it comes down....

2 comments:

Judi said...

You are right. The jealousy is not of God. I guess this is your trial now. Patience was the last one. You CAN do this and WILL!

wilsonian said...

Misty, I believe the we have the chance to learn from everything that comes our way. While I agree that jealousy is not God's best for us, I wonder what would happen if you listened to what these emotions are saying. Beyond "why not me?".

Perhaps in listening, you will hear that you are stronger than you know, that you have a deep love for raising children, that you are capable of facing very difficult hurts, that you have a desire to carry and raise more children, that you have deep gratitude for the wonderful son you have, that the process of carrying a child to term has been difficult...etc. These are just examples, as I have no idea what you might hear. But these are all things that are important to honour, I think.

Sometimes we're so quick to label emotions, we don't take the time and space to hear what they are speaking to us.

Just a thought.
Peace to you, friend :)