Sunday, December 28, 2008

I find it hard...

to fight old thought patterns. They just sneak their way in there. An unwelcome guest. I am grateful for all that God has blessed us with and I am choosing to look at that rather then some of the negative that has been happening. I don't think the enemy likes that too much.

I had a very blessed Christmas. I couldn't help but notice that I had some thoughts sneak in. You may roll your eyes but it was about my first loss. I should have been very pregnant and due in February. February 2 was my due date. I found the bitter thoughts coming back. The thoughts of WHY and NOT FAIR came flooding in. Once I noticed these thoughts I stopped. I gave it over to God. I asked Him to take it away because I know that He has a plan for my life and that I am ok with it. That I am not angry and that I will trust Him.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6

HE began this work in me. HE knows what is going to happen because "All the days ordained for me were written in (His) book before one of them came to be." Ps. 139:16

Stop and think about it for a second. I know when I do it blows me away. He knew that hurts would happen. He knew losses would happen. He knew we would rejoice, we would sing, we would get angry, we would cry and we would feel so alone. Yet He promises that He will not forsake us. "He tends to His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lamb in His arms and carries them close to His heart." Isa. 40:11

Now how cool is all of that. He knows every single day of my life yet He will not abandon me. Even on the days where I feel detached from Him and struggle to talk to Him, He knew. Yet He still chose to love me. To send His son for me, for us, as sinners. He is never too big to stop, pick me up in His strong and safe arms. Never too busy to stop and hold me against His heart. To hold me so close that I can hear His heart beat, I can feel His chest rise and fall as He gently breaths and calms me.

In my moments it is hard to stop. Hard to not think about the "what if's", the "why me's", the "it's not fair's". No, life is not fair yet it is a life we walk in His love. When we choose to walk in His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness, His love, His patience, His greatness we choose to feel Him in every situation. We choose to lean on Him.

So right now I am choosing to lean on God.

"Daddy I need your arms to wrap around me. I need to feel your heart beat, I need to feel YOU."

"I am right here baby. I have not left you. I understand your hurt, your pain, your confusion and your desire to want me. I am glad you want me. I have been there. I have felt the pain, the hurt, the confusion but I have also felt the Love of my Father. We graciously extend that to you."

"I am so not worthy of this Love Daddy. I did nothing to deserve it."

"that is the point baby. I did something because you deserve it."

"Help me to battle these feelings Daddy. Help me to acknowledge them, accept them and move on."

"All you need to do is turn to me. I will help you through. I promise I will never leave you. I will hold you close to me, you just have to let me."

"Here I am Daddy. I am running to Your arms. I am trusting in You. I am leaning on You, help me Daddy."

"I will baby. I will. I love you more then anything. I am here....."

He is here. I can't push away the feelings, I acknowledge them then hand them over to God. He is so much bigger then me. He can take this, I can't. I can't take this on my own. I apparently do have stress even though I don't fully realize it. Or maybe it is just that I am not acknowledging it. Yet He is big enough, yet gentle enough, to take this all away. To help me through step by step. Yes this may be hard, but I just have to trust God. I just have to hand it over to Him. I just have to be still and slow down into His arms. He can do this. I can't. I can with Him.

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