Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Not sure why this bothers me....

my dear Aunt passed away on Christmas Eve. She was a sweet soul. She passed at the age of 56. I know that may sound pretty young but for her it wasn't.

My Aunt had down syndrome and lived 40 years past her expected age. My grandma is the one to credit for that. She never belittled my aunt or treated her differently. She treated her like any of her other kids. She took her on outings and kept her active. She only went into a home 2 years ago. Grandma couldn't deal anymore. Which is amazing because she is well into her 80's if not early 90's. I am not exactly sure.

The funeral is in Chilliwack this Saturday. I was ok with that and I know she led a good life. Then I was told the burial would be in Newton. I didn't even think about that possibility. I should have known. My dad is buried there and so is my Grandpa. There is a plot next to them.
My dad has been dead for 24 years but for some reason just thinking about going to that cemetary made me cry. I am not sure why. I don't remember him and it has been so long. I have probably only been there a handful of times. He didn't want to live past 30 (selfish if you ask me) and he died at 31 of a brain anuerysm.
I have a hard time because I feel unwanted by my family. I am not close to them at all. So going to be at this grave site is bothering me. I don't want to cry or anything but I feel the tears each time I think about it. Phil will come with me though. So that is good. I just am not sure why it bothers me so much. The fact that it bothers me bothers me. LOL!!

I have no idea what to do.
Wait a minute yes I do.

I have been praying to God for strength. Strength to not cry, to not let it bother me and to just move on. I know that I don't have the strength at all but I know God is so much bigger then me and I know He can deal with it. He can hold me strong through all of this.
Although I wonder WHY this bothers me I trust and believe in God. So I will still go even though my soul is saying to stay home. My spirit is telling me to trust God and to lean on Him and Him alone.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

praying that God feels extra close to you at this time!