Wednesday, January 21, 2009

It's dark in here...

I have felt engulfed by darkness lately. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my voice and no one can hear me. I feel like I am standing in the middle of a thick fog and can't seem to find my Savior's hand. I am wanting to reach but I can't see it. I can't feel Him because the fog is so thick and weighing me down.

Yet He is there. I know in my heart that He is there. He is holding me. God will help me through this. Christ Jesus will be my strength when I am so weak that I can't go on. When I feel like just laying on the floor and letting the fog engulf me He is there holding me up. I just have to believe it. I have to call on Him.

I read this today:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:5-6

God forgive me for my doubt. Forgive me for being a wave tossed back and forth. I am sorry that I am struggling. I am sorry that I am in such a dark place. I am sorry that I feel so lost.

"baby I am right here. You are not lost, you just need to feel My arms wrapped around you. You just need to find the Light. My Light is right here."

I want it Pappa, I really truly do. I want you in my whole being. I want to feel you more then ever.

"The battle will never be easy but I am here. I am here to share the load, to share the burden. Remember my burden is light. I will fight for you. I will always fight for you because you are WORTH fighting for."

I am so grateful for God. I am so thankful that He won't leave me. That He is here even though I am in the dark. Even though I am struggling and hurt You are ok with that because You will help me through every step of the way. I can be very honest and say that in this time I get scared. I get very scared. That I can't feel Him, I can't hear Him. That I will be lost to the darkness forever. Yet He tells us to never give up hope. Although I feel like I have given up I know that I must keep fighting. I must ask God to be my strength, to give me wisdom in this battle. He knows that I am not strong enough or wise enough to do this on my own. I guess there comes a time when you have to reach out of your comfort zone to others that will help to carry you through. Others that you can trust. I can tell you that it is VERY hard for me to let down my guard. When I let down my guard I am weak. However, I don't think I am meant to be strong. I think I am meant to be strong with God. Not apart from Him. Not while doing it on my own.

So although this is dark and thick fog I will try my hardest to keep searching for the Light. To hold the Light within me. To become a light in this world. God help me....

Thankful for His mercies in all this time.
"Because of the LORD'S great love we are not consumed, for his compassionas never fail. They are new every morning..." Lamentations 3:22-23

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