Thursday, January 29, 2009

Comfort Zones

I really am starting to think that they are over rated.

If you know me really well you know that to start out I am a shy person. If I don't feel in my element I am very shy and quiet. I know it is hard to believe!

Tonight I went to a course at a local church teaching about the Old Testament. I am really excited to learn about it. Just one problem though. I didn't know anyone. I sat next to people at dinner who I didn't even know. They were all chatting but I was shy and quiet. There was a point where I was almost in tears. TOTALLY felt all alone in a room where I am surrounded by people. It was my own fault for feeling that way I am sure because I didn't step out of my box.

I felt so out of my comfort zone. I felt so uncomfortable. Then I saw someone I knew from church. So I talked with her a bit. Then it was time to go in to the sanctuary for the class. Oh dear. Here we go again. All these people. Feeling too shy to step out. A friendly face smiled and waved, acknowledged that I was there. So that eased me a bit. The tears were right on the edge because I was SOOO uncomfortable.

I looked around knowing my exits. Figuring out my exits that would allow me get out of the room if the panic or anxiety kicked in. I think that is why the tears were there. I really felt like God was stretching me. I was NOT comfortable with it at all. I just kept praying to Him.

I have some things on my mind but I give it over to Him completely with Faith and Trust. I hand things over to Him repeatedly and trust my Father with outcomes and answers and protection. So in this moment I felt wrapped up. I felt scared. I knew that it was not of God. So I kept trying to turn it back to Him.

Then all of a sudden I see the lady that I ran in to at the dinner. I looked up and gave her a shy smile. She told me to come and sit down front with them. So I hesitantly went. So I knew a few people there after all. But because this was all so new to me I was feeling detached and nervous. I went and will continue to go out of excitement to learn more about God.

Then we got in to the lesson. Then the HAND ACTIONS started. Yeah, that is what I said....HAND ACTIONS. WHOA GOD! How far are you going to stretch me here? So I hesitantly did the actions, fearing looking like an idiot (although EVERYONE in that sanctuary was doing the same actions). I started to free up a bit then he asked us to face our neighbour and do the actions to them. Yeah no eye contact there. I have gotten bad at keeping eye contact with people, I think it is because I worry they will see right down in to my soul and how unsure I am. How weak and vulnerable I am. How much my spirit aches inside.

So tonight I was pulled this way and that, so out of my comfort zone. Trapped in a box that I don't really want to be in but am too nervous to fully step out. I guess fear stops me a lot. Fear is NOT of God so I need to work on that. I find it easier to talk to God, it is just a matter of remembering to stop.

Makes me wonder how much God will stretch me. Is He going to stretch me until I break? What if I break? What if the pieces are too small that I can't pick them up, that even God can't put me back together. Comfort zones are good things, they keep you in check but sometimes on days like today they suck. The tears sat on the edge. I warmed up near the end. I am afraid to be broken. I am afraid to be vulnerable. Good thing God isn't afraid. I don't like Him stretching my boundaries but I am needing to try to just lean on Him and trust completely that HE in fact does know what He is doing.....

the tears welling and the feeling I had sucked monkey butt. I hate being shy and feeling vulnerable. But you know what? I am human. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I am NOT strong. But I can be all of these things IN GOD.

So hesitantly I thank God for stretching me and I wait to see what He has in store....

No comments: