Monday, January 07, 2008

I can talk the talk

but I sure as heck can't walk the walk.
well so I think anyway.

I have had someone say to me, a couple actually, that I seem to have the right words and that my faith is so strong. I have had people tell me they were jealous of my ability to have the Faith and to believe like I believe.
Yeah sure, I have the faith and I do believe but I really don't think I am walking the walk. I can talk about knowing God and the Godly way to do things but lately walking that way is actually proving difficult and is showing me at a stand still.
I do believe in my heart. I do trust in my heart so why do I feel so lonely. Why do I feel like I don't. Like I just don't get it. I don't feel that joy and that happiness I used to feel.

The sermon on Sunday was about emmersing ourselves in God and His work. I can't repeat it word for word cause I suck at that. What I can tell you is that I had TWO anxiety attacks and the strong urge to get up and run. The head singer was praying and was very vulnerable about God being the only one for us. The only answer out of the situations we were in. I felt very uncomfortable. I don't know if it was cause of her vulnerability or if it was my lack of vulnerability. But I do know that I looked for ways out. Looked for a way to run.
Years ago when I got these anxiety attacks I felt like I had more support. I had someone to pray over me and stand with me and take the attack away. Make the battle less. That person is not there anymore. That breaks me heart. I know I have friends that support me and pray for me. It just doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I am longing for that person back in my life or if I need that strength that they showed. I don't have that relationship I thought I once had.
The panic took over me. The legs started to bounce and my arms went and crossed across my chest. That way I was in my own world. No one could get in. If I kept my arms crossed I didn't have to talk to people or get up and great. I did not get up and great. The weakness I felt and the battle that was ripping at me was too strong. Then there was the battle to not allow myself to cry. Cause emotion is weakness. I learned today that emotion in fact is very healthy and does not mean that I am weak. Yep, I can talk the talk with that one too. But I can't walk the walk. I still don't show the emotion. I tell others it is ok to cry but I can't do it. It is different. MISTY can't cry, can't feel, can't be human. I have to be strong.
I don't get how I show my faith. Or how people feel like I have a strong trust cause I don't feel it. I feel very alone and disconnected from God. I have been not allowing people in. I haven't been reaching out. I have not had made the time to get to know other mothers, other people or to make friendship. I just kind of run out of church.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I asked for prayer yet again and got some response but I still feel like my prayer requests and my life are minimal compared to everyone else's.
So what is the talk people are seeing? What is this faith that people see. Cause I can't see it. I can't feel God. I can't see God. I struggle with wanting to get back to Him but at the same time not knowing how to. So I am not walking. I am standing still. Stuck in place once again. Or should I say as usual.
My mind and my heart don't know where to go. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, I believe in Heaven but at the same time I am scared that I won't get a place in Heaven. I am scared I don't know enough or that God may not believe me and there is no place for me. I want His love. I want to feel Him. I want to see Him. I want to learn more about Him. Yet here I stand....unable to walk

1 comment:

wilsonian said...

Wish I were close enough to give you a hug.