Saturday, August 19, 2006

Compassion

There are a lot of times where I feel like I am just totally lacking it. I have wondered if it is something we lose as we grow older and get too busy with our day to day life. Still not sure on the answer of that one but yesterday something happened that just totally reminded me of what it was all about. Expecting nothing in return and putting aside all your feelings to care for another. You know who reminded me of that? My son. That's right. My 4 month old son. I haven't taught him this compassion as of yet. It is obviously something that we are blessed to be born with.
We were having a rough morning. He was tired. Rubbing his eyes. So I fed him and put him down. But he would have none of that! He started screaming and crying. We do what works for us and it is a 5 minute thing. He fusses for 5 minutes then I go in there for 5 minutes. I don't talk, I just use my body language to let him know that I was there and it will be ok. I never let him get beside himself. It was a very frustrating day. I was becoming more and more discouraged. Why won't he sleep??
At one point, and some of you may think I am a terrible mom and so be it - you are entitled to you opinions, I had to let him scream. The more he screamed the crappier I felt. "You're an awful mom" "why aren't you helping your son" were thoughts that ran through my head like a freight train. I knew he was ok though. So I had to let myself try to relax. It was the best thing for both of us.
I took a deep breath and went into his room. Poor baby. I picked him up and came out to the living room and sat in the recliner with him. Put his soother in his mouth and he cuddled right in. I kept whispering "it's ok, Mommy was here. I love you. It's ok." I look down and he had fallen asleep. Cuddled into his mommy.
That is when I let the tear that I was fighting roll down my cheek. I didn't sob. I just let it come out. I thought it was silent. Silent tears. Then my little boys eyes shot open. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes and he reached up his hand and touched the silent tear that was rolling down my cheek. He went right for it. He left his hand there. Another one fell and he opened and closed his fingers against my cheek. Then I said, "Mommy is ok. I love you." He promptly spat out the soother and looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile. Then he started to just giggle and laugh away. That made me smile. It made me laugh. I thanked him. So much for the nap though. He was too concerned to keep me smiling.
The compassion that my son showed me blew me away. I hadn't taught him that yet. I look back on it and realize that even though I am struggling with who I am, where God is and how to pray He sends me little moments that will forever be etched on my heart. The moment still brings tears to my eyes. I have such an awesome gift. My son loves me and cares about me. What an amazing thing! A moment forever engraved on my heart.

1 comment:

Standing Bear & Tapweh Mahigan said...

our parenthood teaches us more about being a child of God than we can imagine...