Monday, August 28, 2006

I surrender

I am sure that I have done a blog like this before but yet here I am again.
We sang this song at church on Sunday. We have done it before and it has hit me before. It has hit me again.
I have been struggling lately. With many things. One of them being my faith, or lack there of it. I have been having problems praying. Problems hearing His voice. I know that it is my own fault. I know that I have chosen to not read devotionals or blogs. I have allowed myself to believe that it is because I am a busy mom. But the time that I spend on the computer doing other things I could have been reading the devotionals, blogs or the bible. I have chosen to allow myself to be distracted. Although a fussing baby is a good excuse.
A friend of mine asked me what are you mad at Him for? I said I wasn't mad. Then in one morning I got like four or five verses given to me. When I read them I knew there was a reason why they were coming to me. I got dizzy. I got confused. I got more dizzy. A spiritual battle in the forefront of my mind. Right there in front of me going on within me. I feel that it was a battle. Then when I was asked this question I fought it. I said I wasn't mad. But then starting to think about it I realized that yes I am mad.
Selfish, mad, frustrated and worried. Worried about all the little day to day things. Worried about losing who I am and who He is. Then in the midst of the pain and the anger I feel it. I feel the whispers. I feel the warmth. I see how He is working. I see that these things are happening because this is where He needs me to be.
As painful as this place is, this is what He needs me to be feeling. This is where He needs me to be. I just need to reach to Him. I need to surrender it all back to Him. Realizing that it is only God that can ease this pain within my heart. That it is only God who can pull us through day to day, month to month. Yes, we may get help but it is only because God has put it on those peoples hearts to help us.
A friend gave me a gift bag full of diapers and on the front of the bag it said, "Prayer changes things". I cried. Yes it does change things and it has been something that I had stopped doing with my heart. I would barely do it cause I felt like I had to. God knew. He could feel the difference. The little saying on the bag made me stop in my tracks and made me smile.
I stress out, I worry. I hold back the tears and fight them. I don't allow myself to cry. I can't. I don't allow myself to feel the pain. The hurt. The anger. While I am busy not allowing myself God is whispering for me to surrender. I heard the song and closed my eyes. I fought the tears. I fought the pain. Although I feel like I did win in the end I knew God captured more of my heart at that moment. The feeling of being able to surrender. Knowing that God will take this all from me and will ease my pain. I want to surrender. I need to surrender it all back to Him. He really is the only one who can take this burden and carry me on His shoulders.
So once again, I feel that I need to surrender. I need to give it all to Him. Although I still fight. Although I am scared. Although I feel alone and abandoned, I know that He is there. Hands held open, arms stretched wide waiting for me to run back to Him. To run into those safe arms and even though I feel the pain and hurt I know this is where I need to be in my heart. Now it is just time to accept it. Time to surrender to it all. Take this from me Lord and help me to come back to You.

1 comment:

So I Go said...

loved your expression of all that seems to be closing in.. you are right when you say that only God can ease the pain within your heart, but you're on the road toward resolving the tension, and that's OK.

you're on your way. might not seem like it.. but you're on your way toward a closer communion with Him.

hang in there my friend :-)