Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Losing.

I am venturing out here and am going to give a little bit of information about me that I don't think I have even sat down to think about.
I, like most people - I am sure, am not good at losing someone.
When I was five I lost my dad to a brain aneurysm. At about 8 I lost my grandpa. At about 10 my mom and step dad divorced. About seven years ago I lost a very dear friend to cancer.
The first three things that I listed were all before I came to God. The funny thing is that I didn't know Him but I knew of Him and I blamed Him. He took my dad away and I never got to know him. He took grandpa and He made my parents divorce. Since then I have obviously come to my senses that He doesn't do it to hurt us. It was their time. When I lost my friend it was the first time I didn't blame. I knew that it was ok.
Yet I have recently discovered that I have let these things rule my life. Not until very recently have I come to that conclusion. I am afraid. I have a friend that has cancer. Do I go to her? No. I withdrew from her. I know I will regret it and it makes me sick to my stomach but I let my own stubbornness and fear control me. Bad I know.
The biggest fear I have is losing my husband. I cry. I shake and I feel like I am going to get sick. My heart is aching for him right now. He works so hard, he is sick and he just doesn't slow down. He puts others needs before himself. I am so afraid that God may call Him home away from me before I am ready. I don't want Him to take away the best thing that He has ever given me. Phil isn't dying or anything. I am just tired of no answers from doctors. We have to force tests. I love this man with all my heart and just the thought of not having him in my life tears me up inside and visibly on the outside.
I think that this has all come to the surface because of the dreams, well nightmares really, that I have been having. Do I disregard them? No. I fear them and let them play on my heart and mind. Do I turn to God? Yes. I beg for Him to heal the people I love. I just don't know how to ask for it. Am I scared? Yes. Do I face it? No. I try to push it all away. I run from my friend but honestly one time it may be too late then what will I do?
God, What do I do? How do I just let the thoughts go and do what my heart is telling me.
I feel Him say, "Turn to me my child."

"but how? I don't know what to do."

"You are doing it right. Talk to me like anyone else. It is ok. Tell me your fears."

"But you already know them."

"Yes, but talk to me about them so that we can mend your heart together."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I am not. I am helping to open the doors that you are tired of fighting to keep closed. Remember that I am there every step of the way. I am here. I love you and I will not hurt you."

"I love you too, Father."

Don't ask me what that was all about. Just some things on my heart that make me feel really vulnerable. Things I need to get out.

5 comments:

Michelle said...

You have so much love and warmth and compassion in you. God just wants you to share that with others, to bring peace. God wants you to be vulnerable with him so he can help. Share your burdens with him so you can let go of the fear and the pain of the past, let him take care of the future, so you don't have to. I've been trying to live in today and not worry about tomorrow, it will come soon enough.

Miss-buggy said...

It's just things that are totally out of my control. Like God is telling me to trust Him, I have no choice. Hurts I never thought existed. Maybe I just never listened before.

Sue said...

God is very thorough with us because He knows the end result will be greater intimacy with Him. That fulfills one of the desires of our heart. He is thorough because He desires that relationship with you. There is no other one like you. He waits for you.

Miss-buggy said...

I am glad He waits. I would've given up on me a long time ago. I am learning though....

Shari said...

Thanks for sharing. =)