Friday, August 21, 2009

For some reason this song has struck me lately

More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

Monday, August 17, 2009

"Set Me Free"

So since yesterday I have had a lot on my mind. Actually I usually always have quite a bit on my mind. My mind usually doesn't stop. In fact I honestly didn't realize that following God was "simple".

I prayed for help breaking the strong holds in my life that are keeping me back. Keeping me from loving myself. Keeping me from trusting God. Keeping myself from just having faith in God and realizing that He won't abandon me. Old thought patterns have to go. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough, etc.

This is hard. Really hard. I am so used to it that it comes to my mind first and foremost. Every time. I can't look in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child and wait for Him to leave me. I didn't do a darn thing to deserve God's love and Mercy but He gives it to me anyway. Don't ask me why because I can't even explain it.

I need to break the chains and embrace the fact that God does love me. That I am worthy to be His child. I am tired of the chains holding me back, the chains not allowing me further.

I am not sure it makes any sense. I just know that I need to break the chains that I have been allowing to hold me back. I have to not allow it anymore. I need to ask God to help me. I need His strength. There is just so much to do. I don't know if I can do it. But I know that I am tired of being held down. Of holding MYSELF back.

just so many things in my mind....

this song comes to mind. I want and need to be set free. I need the chains broken.

Fall on me (set me free) by Vineyard Worship

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains
my filthy stains, Jesus

And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free (2x)

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free(4x)

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains,
my filthy stains.

And break these chains
And break these chains (3x)

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free (4x)

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Measuring Up

Today's service talked about measuring up. The funny thing though is that after someone shared this morning I found myself thinking, "wow. Why can't I be like them?"

Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."

I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.

But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.

I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.

I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.

I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.

Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.

Seeing Thorns as Blessings

From my devotional this morning:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

Sunday, August 09, 2009

trying to stay focussed

on the good. Trying to remember all the good and not let all the negative slash back at me.

The issues I was told I have was good to receive because those were fixable. A couple days later my family doc called me to come in and go over my blood work. Turns out that my prolactin levels are up again. So that can also cause miscarriages so now we take another step back.

It is like we get answers and a way to solve it then this happens. I am more then double what I should be. Prolactin is a hormone that is released when ovulating or when nursing. It should not be above 23 for a non nursing mother. I was good at an 11 for two months. Now it goes up again. So it is confusing, frustrating and annoying.

There is a BIG part of me that just wants to yell and get mad at God. Yet I am trying not to and to focus on the good. Sometimes it just feels so hard.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Good in every situation

I know that God is working all things out for His good. Even the hard/bad/debilitating situations He will turn it around to work things out for good.

There was a point where I thought there was no possibility that something good would come out of my miscarriages. But I now realize there is. It has given me a more compassionate heart for those that are going through it. It gave me a chance to get some testing done. It gave me answers.

It turns out that I have a protein definciency and a blood clotting issue. Both of which are not elevated enough to cause concern about my health but enough to cause miscarriages. The good thing is that these are both treatable and there is a good chance that I will be able to have that baby one day.

I will have to take 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of Vitamin B6 and a baby aspirin every day for the first few months. Plus prior to the pregnancy. There are also some shots that may or may not need to be done. The thing in the way is money of course but I know we will work it out.

I have also injured my knee and it has required me to be on crutches. I was asking a friend if it was God that did it. My friend said that it was just a mistake and was not God's plan but that God would use it for His good. I think He is. It is teaching me to humble myself. I am starting to think that might have been the theme this past year.
We are trying to pack to move and I can't put weight on my knee yet my neighbours are offering help, friends are offering help and I have had to ask for help from my husband. I don't normally ask for help at all so this is a step for me. So yet another good thing that God is doing in this situation.

God is good and I am trying to focus on the good and thank Him for it.