Saturday, December 16, 2006

Cancer

That is a word that makes my skin crawl. It always has. I know that there are a few of you out there that saw that title and put up a wall and didn't want to read any further. I am one of those people. Cancer scares the crap out of me. I am a selfish person when I hear that someone has cancer cause I GET SCARED!! It's not about me. What about the person who has cancer? I bet they are scared out of their minds. I put up a wall. I decide that I can't and won't talk about it but there is a part of me that wants to reach out and be with those people. To help pray and be there. But I can't do it. The only thing I can do is pray.
I lost a friend to cancer 8 years ago. It took me 7 to finally accept and allow myself to slowly go through the grieving process. I know, this must sound pretty darn pathetic and selfish. I just couldn't do it. Everytime I thought about it I would remember his last breath. I would remember him looking at me. Every time. It never gets easier. His parents amaze me. They are so strong. I know that he is healed and in Heaven but I still have regrets and fears.
A friend of mine has cancer. They are very brave. They asked for God's strength. Not for a devine intervention to occur but for His strength. For His will to be done. Wow. I would be begging God to take it away. Stop it in it's tracks and I would be begging people to pray the same. This person is so unbelievable. SO strong and I can really learn a lot from them. They have total faith and trust in God and it blows me away. Yet here I am being pathetic and scared. I want to be there for them but don't want to have to go through it again. But God gave us friends to support us. This friend has a huge faith in God. Has trust in Him. Amazing. Even in the darkness of their life they still have the total reliance on Him. For His will to be done.
I am sorry that I am selfish and I put up a wall. I just do that. The wall helps me to not think about it. To not remember the pain and hurt. But that is wrong of me. I am not the only one that was hurt from his passing. So many people were.
I just wish that I could have the strength and faith in God that this friend has. I can really learn a lot from them. I pray for them and hold them up in faith but it just feels like I can never meassure up to theirs.
I always believe that Cancer is an evil. I always will. I would never EVER wish it on my worst enemy. Yet those I love and care about get struck down with it. Yet they get back up and continue going. Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. I pray for healing. I pray for His will to be done but He knows that secretly I just want it to all go away. My friend, you are in my prayers and you amaze me. You are a good example and I thank you. I am sorry that I am so selfish. Forgive me. You are so strong and an inspiration.

1 comment:

Christy said...

Misty, this must be hard.

One of my closest friends in highschool was diagnosed with cancer, it was so hard to stay close to him but watch him die at the same time. My uncle also died from brain cancer 2 years ago. That word scares me so much.

I'll be praying for you and your friend.