Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Little by little...still

Ever feel like you hear something just at the right time? Mine today has been little by little. I have heard it before. Have tried it before and compared to where I have been I think that I have succeded.
Then all of a sudden out of no where - BAM! It hits you. Kinda feels like a 5-ton flat bed has plowed into you. Trust me, I remember what that feels like.
If you look at it so many things in life need to be done little by little. The baby needs to grow to be strong, little by little. Healing from an injury needs to be taken slowly. When you hear something you don't want to but you know it is right it too needs to be done little by little.
The trust needs to be there. As hard as it is.
We will pull out of the spiral we are in with those baby steps. It is just so hard to remember to take those when you get so frustrated and confussed. You think, here we go again, but knowing that it is the right thing and it needs to be done.
I am really feeling somewhat lost. I need to just trust God and let Him lead my husband and I the way He wants us to go. I need to trust my husband. He is doing what is right and what needs to be done for the family. He is being the provider that so many men long to be and I need to let go of that part of me that wants to control that. I need to let him. Little by little I have to know that I don't need to be the one to control all things. I need to be the one to lovinly support him in these times.
I need to hand it over to God. Trusting that He is working on it little by little. I need to remember the scripture: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Mt. 6:34. How true is that and each day He gives us the strength to get through that day. Just read about it this morning. Sure I can worry about tomorrow or yesterday but it really won't get me very far. What about just dealing with today?
So, little by little I am taking the steps and learning. It is a long road but God has our best interest in mind and I need to just trust that. I need to take it little by little.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I talked to my doctor...

about the ultrasound. She said there is no abnormalities. His little heart and His little brain are looking good. He looks healthy. Yeah!! Keep growing baby.


This is what I read at church yesterday.

It is by faith that we believe in God and His son Jesus Christ.

Today we light this candle to represent Faith. I, myself am learning the full extent of it's meaning but it you were to go to the dictionary you would find it described as "a believing without proof; trust or confidence." That is what we have in God. That we may not see Him we still have the trust and the confidence in Him to lead us the way He desires. In our darkest, hardest times having Faith in Christ is what makes us strong.
We live in a society where it is hard to keep the Faith alive and prominent in our lives. In Matthew 17:20-21 Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." As hard as it is to just hand it over and let it be, we do it by Faith knowing that God has control. That the outcome He will provide us with will be so much greater then what we can ever do for ourselves.
I can stand here and tell you that it isn't easy but having that Faith in God is so worth it.

In Light of Advent

I am learning what Advent means. Not growing up in the church it hasn't really been until this year that I have been wanting to surround myself with information.
At church yesterday my husband and I got to light the first advent candle on Faith.
I heard this quote a while ago and came across it this morning. How appropriate. In so many ways then just the fact of it being advent.

"Faith is the refusal to panic."

I am slowly, ever so slowly getting better at the whole not panicking thing. So does that mean that I am getting better at having the Faith? I sure hope so. Cause God is really the only one I can really rely on. He comes through my life. Through my husband or my family or friends. But when I start seeing that it was Him things really do start to make more sense.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Guess what!!

It's snowing in Aldergrove. HEAVY too. I LOVE SNOW!
Yes I do drive for a living but I still love it. Come on snow!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

God's touch

The rain poured down so thick that I could barely see in front of my face. Had to stop for a light and thinking I could make it slammed on the brakes. Wheels locked and I just missed going through the intersection by ICBC. NEVER slam on your brakes in the rain. I knew that but in a moment of panic I did it anyway.
Yesterday felt like a particularly stressful day at work. Driving in that weather can be hard. Extra attention payed to other people running red lights or inches away from my back end. The radio decided to quit working as well. So if the weather wasn't bad enough I didn't even get to listen to my favorite thing. God's word. Spent a lot of time talking to Him though. My back was even extra sore that day and all around it felt crappy. I tried to make the best of it.
Then it happened. God's hand came through and marveled me with His magnificent beauty. For the first time the rain had stopped towards the end of my shift. The stress was easing a bit. Still no music though. Then as I came up to the top of an overpass my breath was taken away. There in front of me in amidst the dark clouds was a break. At about horizon level there was a thick line of clear sky. The sun still hiding behind the dark clouds it's light shone on underneath it. The light bounced into the clearing and rolled under the clouds above. Causing it to look like God had just taken a paint brush and stroked away to His hears content. Rolling over the clouds were whispers of red, purple and yellow. The sky was blue. Bright with His light. My breath caught in my chest. For that brief moment I saw His beauty once again and once again it took me away. Away from the stress and anxiousness.
Unable to stop and enjoy it I sat there raising Him. Looking towards the horizon as much as I could. Wishing I could pull over and take a picture with my camera phone. I got to a clearing and took a chance. Pulled over. But, you know it just wasn't the same. The colors, although beautiful were different. The sun sank lower in the sky. The clouds were parted more. The magical moment of that split second was gone. Only to be forever etched into my mind.
Of course, being the way I am I thought that it was meant for me to see. In that particular moment at that particular time He came to me. In my business and worries of the morning I remember and a smile is brought to my face. He is so amazing. So beautiful. There just aren't enough words for me to be able to describe what I feel. Loved.

Friday, November 25, 2005


I think I might have startled our little LB this morning. I have been thinking that I have been feeling the baby move but have not been 100% sure yet. Although this morning I bet it was little one. I was scooping applesauce into a container fo rmy lunch and I smacked the spoon on the container a few times to get all the sauce off. Right when I did it I felt a little "bump". Right above my button for my jeans. I got all excited. That had to of been LB. It was the coolest feeling. I can't wait until it is more prominent. hehehe

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Do good to everyone

1Brothers and sisters, what if someone is caught in a sin? Then you who are guided by the Spirit should correct that person. Do it in a gentle way. But be careful. You could be tempted too. 2Carry each other's heavy loads. If you do, you will give the law of Christ its full meaning.
3If you think you are somebody when you are nobody, you are fooling yourselves.

Galations 6:1-3

Sometimes this can be the hardest part of being family.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A gift from God

I was going to wait to blog any pictures until we knew if it was a boy or girl but I just couldn't wait!
This is our little one. Our LB. A special gift from God.
When it was just me and the ultrasound technician baby just calmly layed there while I talked away. Then I went to go and get Daddy. That changed everything. Daddy leaned in and said two words and the baby went nuts!! Started squirming and hamming it up for him. Rolling. Looking right at us. The perfect little angel looked so awesome. The spine looked great as did the heart. It's spine looked like a train track. The heart beating in front of our very eyes. It totally amazes me how this is such a little person right now.
From about grown to rump it measures about 15cm's. That isn't including the long legs and feet that we saw.
Thank you God for such an amazing gift. Such a blessing in our lives. Our LB. Posted by Picasa

Posted by Picasa LB's long legs

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Are we really that afraid?

I have been listening to a lot of radio when I drive at work. Some things are really starting to bug me.
On the radio a while back I heard about a group of people that got together and rewrote the bible. Quite literally actually. I think it was called the TNIV. Today's New International Version. They explained how a group of people had taken it upon themselves to rewrite the bible to make it more politically correct. Canceling out words such as He, Him, Father and His. Making it more "gender friendly". Now, I am not an expert, even a little bit, on the knowledge of the bible. But it seems to me that God has commanded us not to change His word and whoever should do so should suffer the consequences. I think there is something somewhere about it but am not sure. I think it is in revelations. So why are they so focused on making it more gender friendly when they, as Christians, are ignoring one of the plain and simple facts that God stated.
Then I heard about another man in the states that is an atheist. He even has his own following. He is actually trying to remove "In God We Trust" from coins and the back of bills. Stating that it is not right for those that chose not to follow any religion. What about those that do have a religion? What about their freedom? Why change things that have been solid forever?
Then there is the whole not aloud to say merry Christmas thing. It is happy holidays instead. What happened to the meaning behind Christmas. Also the whole Ad and BC issue. AD, After Death is now ACE After Common Era and BC is now BCE Before Common Era. We acknowledge the era as common but yet we cannot acknowledge the fact that what makes that era common is Christ?
What makes me wonder is are they really that scared? That scared to admit the fact that someone else is in control of their life? That someone higher then themselves created us and died for us. Kinda makes me agitated. Is Satan having that much of a pull today that things really need to change?
This has been in my mind for a while. Still trying to process it all. I guess for me the way to life seems like such a simple answer. God. The way to God seems even simpler, Jesus. In my little naive mind it makes sense. Even though I tend to not trust or I tend to question I find myself believing that there is no possible way that I can imagine any other being greater then God in my life. Sure some might say science. But who created that science? Who created those people to figure things out?
Just my little rambling for a while. It is sad really. Are we really that afraid?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

God's Love

"for his steadfast love endures forever." Ps. 136

This sentence occurs in this particular Psalm about 26 times. In the NIV version it is recorded as "His love endures forever".
Nothing like reading something you needed to first thing in the morning. I know that in my heart. I have been told that. It was like God was reconfirming that in me this morning in the devotional by Soul Journey.
Last night I had my moments. Had some frustrating moments of feeling purely overwhelmed. Exhausted and worried about the fact of whether or not He will be able to provide what we need in this moment. It is really coming down to the trust issues for me. Like I have said before, that issue is so hard for me to accept completely.
By reading this passage this morning it occurred to me that He will provide what we need for right now. Not what we want. Not what I want. But exactly enough of what I NEED. He will provide this for me because "His love endures forever."
Human love is one thing. The article tells of how even "Though the love that others extend may be lavish—only God’s love is unfailing." It really is sad but true if you think about it. No matter how hard you try there will come a moment in which we hurt those that we love. A moment in which we can tear one another apart and destroy that special relationship because we are human. We will hurt others no matter how hard we try not to because only God is perfect. That hurts me to my soul. That there may be a time when I let those that I love down. That I may hurt them. That they may hurt me. That in that particular moment it can all be done and over with and end.
With the enduring love of God we don't have to worry about whetherer or not He will stop loving us. He always will. We are His. His children. His love. Our earthly parents may stop loving us. We may constantlyly battle with them. We may never get to feel that unconditional love from them. However, in some way there is always someone out there that is providing that unconditional love. We just need to see who that person God has provided for us in our lives is. We need to open to them and understand that they are loving us with all their heart.
I can almost imagine it. God loves us. He loves us so much that He hurts for us. I can almost see the pain in His precious face when we turn to Him asking Him why we are going through this wilderness. Why we have to go through the hurt and the pain. I can almost see His eyes and the sorrow He feels when He tells us that we need to go through this so that we can see that we are able to handle it. That He needs us here right now at this point in time so that we can learn to rely fully on Him. I can see His eyes as they long to pull me into Him while He holds me and tells me that He is doing this because He loves me. Because it is another road to my healing and my Journey closer to Him.
Love hurts. It hurts bad sometimes. He hurts when we do. I can see it. I feel it. No matter what though His love is one that won't fail us. That won't let us down. He brings it to us individually or through others. Gives me a sense of peace knowing that no matter what I do I can still come to Him. That He won't leave me. Something I need to remember when I have those moments of doubt and am scared out of my pants. I need to just picture Him holding His arms out to me telling me to come into Him. To let Him hold me. To let Him love me. I need to let Him. Do you?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Rea had her baby!

Just the other day my friend Rea had her baby. A baby boy. I am not going to list the details cause Uncle Mitch has it all listed. So check it out here.
I am just so thankful that he has arrived safe and mom and him are doing well. Thank you Lord for the blessing of Tyson and for the health of Rea.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

On the long journey

I have come to some realization in myself the past few weeks. I realized that all my life I have been the one to defend others and to be the strong one in most, if not all, situations. If I wasn't to be that strong person and set the example then who would? How would we be able to get through the situation? I have learned to not rely on anyone. Not even myself. Thus the reason why I find it so hard to trust people at all. Even myself sometimes. Why I find it so hard to trust God. There is a part of me that needs to have that trust and love earned. I don't use those words easily. When I do say them you know I mean it. I have let people walk on me. Let them knock me when I am down. That's just the reality of what being me had been all these years.
I am tired of it. Wanting to just get up and run but at the same time wanting to let someone comfort me and take care of me. But if I show that vulnerability then how can I help anyone else? How can I help to make situations bearable or even be a listening ear when I am the one that needs to be listened to? I am the one that is weak. How can I be strong when all I want to do is collapse and just let my guard down for once?
I am only one person. Tired of running, tired of pulling the damn mask off and on again and again. Not knowing who I really am anymore. He's proud of me. No matter what I do? No matter how weak I become and how vulnerable I allow myself to be.
I have been slowly learning how to accept those vulnerable moments. To embrace them. Let the tears fall. Spent so many years by-passing them that there is just too many to keep holding in anymore. I can help someone by helping myself. By showing that I am human and that it is ok to go through the emotions.
I've been broken. Not once. Not even twice. I always thought that it would be one rock bottom then that was it. But I have found that to be false. There are many situations in which I may feel like I am hitting rock bottom because I need to just come back to Jesus. I need to reach back out to Him. I need to allow the comfort and the healing to begin in my heart. He will break me as many times as He feels He needs to. That is the scary part. Just when I think it is over and done I am drowning again. Only if I were to put my stubborn pride on the shelf and reach out to the loving, caring arms that are being stretched out to me. The ones that have no strings attached. The ones that won't turn around the next minute and be mad at me for letting myself just lose it all. Draining myself of all emotion knowing that I am in a safe place and surrounded by love and that it is ok to hurt.
It is ok for me to accept the love and have the faith that it isn't going to all go south on me. That I can and will actually do something good that I won't get disciplined or judged for.
I have a long way to go before I realize what God is saying to me. Maybe it is just me that needs to listen a little closer.
Knowing that it is human and that it is ok for me to just be me. The sad, the happy or the ugly. That I am loved no matter what. I am loved unconditionally and it totally blows me out of the water.
I am learning to embrace and capture the moments in His presence and learning to understand that this is all a process that He wants me to go through. At this particular point in time this is what He wants from me. No matter how hard it may be for me to accept, He knows it. Yet He patiently waits.
I know I have said it before but I am so glad that we have such a loving, patient Father. On this long journey that I hesitantly agree to take step by step He has my back. That this journey may be different from the next but I always have that love. If I would just learn to embrace it.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Hide - Joy Williams

To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are
To anyone who's tryin' to cover up their scars
To anyone who's ever made a big mistake
We've all been there, so don't be ashamed
Come out, come out and join the rest of us
You've been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands
Come to the One with scars on His hands
'Cause He knows where you are, where you've been
His scars will heal you if you let Him

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Sometimes I hate dreams

Sometimes dreams come true or are a look at what you need to do in your life or what needs to be done to help others. Other times the dreams are just way too far fetched to the point where we realize that they are only from our over active imagination.
Well, this morning I am having difficulty distinguishing what needs to be done about a dream I had. Not going to get into the specifics but in it there were at least ten people. You know how sometimes you can't really see the faces? You just know who they are? Well not in this case. I can name every single person in that dream. I can tell you what they were feeling even. When I woke I thought nothing of it. It was just a dream.
Yet I couldn't help but feel an emense sadness. A cry out for help. Now the thing that bothers me is who is it for? So I layed there talking to God and didn't really hear and audible answer about who needed the prayer and what needed to be said so I prayed for everyone in that dream. Lifted each person to God. The thing that disturbs me is that it is still on my mind. Many hours later. Why? Am I over thinking it or is God trying to tell me something?
So here I sit thinking it over and talking it out with God. Relifting those individuals. Deep down hoping that I am over thinking this and that everyone is ok. Just can't shake the sad feeling. The lost feeling. Feelings I can't even put my fingers on yet. The cry for help I heard but knew it wasn't said word for word. In the dream we prayed for someone. That someone fought it every step of the way. The only thing I can do is pray. What a crappy way to feel this morning. I can feel the sadness, the hurt and the pain within my heart. Ouch.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Yeah, I had to do it too....

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:

You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.

At Your Lowest:

You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.

In Love:

You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.

How You're Attractive:

You are very affectionate and inspire trust.

Your Eternal Question:

"Am I Respected?"

Sunday, November 06, 2005

My Inner Child

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.
Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.
You cherish all of the details in life.
Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

There goes my "brilliant" theory

Since I first found out I was pregnant I had boy dreams. Very vivid boy dreams Very real feeling. So I came to the conclusion that I must be having a boy. Well, my dream last night blew that out of the water! I dreamed I had a little girl. Blonde hair. I remember seeing her little face and her little hand clenched around the index finger of an adult. Now maybe, just maybe it could be a girl.
I guess God will tell me if He wants me to know before hand. I just want a healthy baby.
Ahhhh.... dreams. Sometimes they can mean absolutely nothing of the sort.
The heart rate is also 150 bpm. I am sure some of you are saying that means nothing. But still makes me think.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

There's no turning back now....

The door that God has worked so hard at opening has been one that I have been fighting stepping through. With a lot of prayer and trust that step has now been taken. As I look over my shoulder I can see the door lingering, taunting me with the false reality of the safety on the other side. Step back through this way and you won't need to be vulnerable. You can put on that mask again. I had enough. Looking away from the door I see black in front of me but beside me I see the Master Artist with a paint brush in His hand and a smile on His face. Knowing that I did the right thing I take a hold of His hand as we paint the steps to come and the future that lies before me. The future that only our Creator knows what will look like. Only He knows the colors. So I leave it in the Masters hands. I trust Him. I have taken that step and there is no turning back now.
From behind me I hear the door slowly inch closed. Day by day it inches a little further until one day I will feel it slam shut and look into the hands of my Father and see the key. The key that He used to open the door will be the same one that He will use to shut it behind us.
Stepping out of my comfort zone. Hands shake, heart quickens and head spins. Feeling His hands on my shoulders knowing that He is there to catch me when I fall. Because I will fall, I am only human. But thankfully with Him my landing will feel much softer and a little more bearable then before.
It feels good knowing that in my heart and soul I have stepped into the light that He was waiting for me to feel. The warmth that He knew was there but I was too chicken to allow myself to trust. To allow myself to let go. My grasp is getting looser. My fingers are no longer digging into the door frame. But are hanging onto God's arms for dear life. Knowing that together we will get through this and that it is ok.
There is no turning back now. As I step further and further from the door, closer to my Fathers arms into the trust and the love that have always been there but I had just been too scared to accept it. So the journey has begun yet again. Another journey with the same trusting guide at my side. A journey that may take a while. One that I may feel like I get lost in. One where I may feel alone yet I know that the One that is capable of leading me has control of the map and knows the destination in which we venture to.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Giving it up

And handing it over are two things that I have really been trying to do. To just leave it in God's hands. I don't know what it is with those two things that I find so hard to do.
I thought that with each situation I would have to do it just once. Once when it came up and that would be final. I have found that to be false. Well in my world anyway.
These things keep coming up over and over. I find myself thinking about it. Tossing and turning. Should have done this. Shouldn't have done that. If only this and if only that. You know it is true, hindsight is really 20/20.
So I have found myself giving over the same situation many times. Many times trying to pass it over to God. There really is nothing I can do to fix any of it. It is not in my control and I think that is what bothers me the most and makes it so hard. Every time it comes up I now try to stop and tell God, "I know I am asking again but please take this worry, this hurt and this stress from me." Man He must be getting tired of hearing from me by now.
The stupid thing is that I hope that others can help me to come up with answers. When in actuality it is not their problem. It is mine and I can really only expect God to come up with the answers that I need. Then I need to trust that I have given it to Him and it is in His hands and there is no safer place for it to be.
When I hurt I run to people. Have tried to do that all my life. Most of the time though they can't do anything for me. But I still run to them. In the midst of taking that first step I need to stop and turn to God. It is a lot tougher for me to do then I ever thought. I need to do it over and over again until I get it right. One day that will happen. I am just glad that He won't give up on me in the process.
So as I lay wide awake yet again this morning with the worry going through my head I turned to God. (then I came and did a blog). I asked Him if He is getting tired of me handing the same thing to Him over and over again. I got a "of course not." I guess that if I need to give it to Him time and time again I will. Until I can trust fully deep within my heart that He has a safe hold on it. I can say that I trust He's got it all but then would I still worry? I guess that is the human part of me. I am a worrier. But like I have heard before: "worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but gets you no where." So true. Tired of rocking back and forth. So here I sit giving it over yet again. Afraid still that He might get mad. That He will get tired of hearing it. But the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that He isn't like my Earthly parents. He is slow to anger. Quick to love. That I am grateful for.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Being Watched

Last night during my restlessness I was remembering some of my childhood. I remembered the feeling of being watched growing up. Not just by parents but by someone unseen to my human eye. I never grew up in a Christian home. My mom didn't agree with religion I guess. She didn't like it when we talked about going to church with one of the kids she babysat. Wasn't sure about the idea.
Funny thing is that even though I did not become a Christian until my late teens, early twenties, I grew up always feeling like I was being watched. I even referred to a God that I didn't know existed.
I remember at one point when I was younger I had this sense come over me that I was being watched all the time. To the point that I thought I needed to get changed in my closet so that what ever was watching me didn't see me change. Funny hey? I remember when it rained I thought God was crying or watering His garden. When it snowed I thought He was sweeping His home in the clouds. When it was sunny He was just purely happy. When it was dark and the moon was shining He had a light on. Sounds pretty pathetic hey? I thought angels came down to Earth on the sunbeams that I watched dance through the clouds.
I guess you could say that I had a vivid imagination as a child. Now I see it as the fact that I knew God was there. Even though I didn't know who He was. I believed someone else was watching over me and I knew nothing of the gospel or of the Savior that was sent to die for us. But my childish heart believed.
Made me see that He really was there all my life. Even though it was forced to not be thought of He was there. Even though any of my questions were ignored He stayed by my side. Even though I wasn't aloud to go to church I found Him in my own ways. Found the Father that I didn't even know existed. Lost Him for a while. He was still there but no longer was I. I was too busy. Came to Him again when I was older and while lying in my bed last night talking to Him, with my husband practically in a comma beside me, I was given the reminder that in my heart I knew that He was there.
In my heart I knew I was being watched by Him and protected. That gave me such a peaceful feeling. Opened my eyes to the fact that He was always pursuing me even when I pushed Him away and that He will still find me. Gave me a warm feeling that this same God that I knew was there when I was small was watching over us now and will be the one that my child believes in. That my child knows who it is that is watching over them. What an awesome feeling to know that when I can't be there someone else is that is able to watch and protect every step of the way. Thankful that I am being watched.