Tuesday, April 21, 2009

From "The Shack"

been re-reading this lately. This paragraph got me. It is "God" talking to Mack. Mack is on the verge of tears and fighting the emotion.

" 'It's okay honey, you can let it all out....I know you've been hurt, and I know you're angry and confused. So, go ahead and let it out. It does a soul good to let the waters run once in a while - the healing waters.'

But while Mack could not stop the tears from filling his eyes, he was not ready to let go - not yet, not with this woman. With every effort he could muster, he kept himself from falling back into the black hole of his emotions. Meanwhile, this woman stood there with her arms outstretched as if they were the very arms of his mother. He felt the presence of love. It was warm, inviting, melting.

'Not ready?' she responded. 'That's okay, we'll do things on your terms and time.' " pg. 83

I am really not sure what else to say right now. Except that I think I can relate...

Friday, April 17, 2009

ups and downs

I have good days and bad days.

I have noticed when I wake up angry with the world and stop to pray it has really helped. I just have to STOP and remember to do it...

Today I held a baby at mom's group. It is the first time I have been to mom's group in a couple months. Just circumstances didn't allow me to go and then the loss made me want to stay away from every one!
This sweet little boy stayed sleeping in my arms. It was hard to listen to people talking about the person being pregnant next to me but I was so happy for her at the same time. I looked down at this perfect baby boy and just smiled while I tried to fight the tears. Feeling like a FOOL the whole time.

I have been hearing and seeing God, just not allowing myself to acknowledge it. The enemy and my own thoughts really throw me for a loop a lot. I LOVE pregnant bellies, I love new babies (babies period).

I have noticed that I have been doing something VERY new to me. I have been taking things day by day. Step by step. Emotion by emotion. I have been re-reading "The Shack" again. Well trying to at least. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about tonight or four months down the road. I try not to think about it at least. I try to just take everything as it comes.

Right now it is a battle, most of life is. I am battling my own thoughts and trying to control a situation, which I am succeeding at because it is the ONE place I can control. Or so *I* think.

I guess there is really not much to say. Just that I have the ups and downs. But I KNOW better and I KNOW God is here. That He will help me through. I realize a little that He does have enough love for me. He must.....Maybe He is trying to tell me He doesn't love me any less or think of me as a failure although I sit beating myself up. There just seems like I have so much I need to do. So many areas to improve. So there is ups and downs. There is good and bad. There are moments. But I keep going day by day. If not for me then for my son and husband. Day by day. Prayer by Prayer.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I can't believe it!

Three years ago today God gave us the MOST AMAZING gift. As of 6:40 this morning my special little boy "officially" turned 3!

wow how time has flown....

seconds after being born

all cozy

this morning opening presents:

"do I have to take a picture?"

half smile

blowing out his candle

the birthday pancake. Which he promptly freaked out at because it wasn't normal. He normally doesn't like sweets. Oops...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Foul Mood

this morning I woke up in an absolutely FOUL mood.

I was pissy and grumpy.

Then before I even left my bedroom I stopped. I don't normally do this but today I did. I stopped and thanked God. Thanked Him that His mercies are new every morning and that it goes for me too. Then I asked Him for help to not be in such a crappy mood and so pissy. I prayed for strength.

Then I felt a little lighter. I didn't feel *as* pissy as I was. Sure things are still frustrating me, making me angry and making me feel over whelmed but this morning I am actually able to stop. To stop and just breathe. I haven't been able to do that yet.

I really hope that I am able to continue this throughout the day. I take things day by day. I am not trying to look too far in to the future. I feel over whelmed at all the stuff I have to clean and do. But then I think I hear God say, "One thing at a time. One thing at a time."

so thankfully God grants us His mercies new every morning. I know He is going to give me the strength to get through the day. Through all this crap. I just KNOW it in my heart. I just have to tell my mind to believe it.

I stopped and prayed. I felt the calm. I just hope I can keep remembering to stop and pray all day. Thank you Lord. You are so good. Thank you that you haven't given up on me.

"I will be calm and no longer angry." Ezekiel 16:42

Monday, April 13, 2009

I realized something this morning

I used to think I WANTED God to break me. I wanted to be broken to the point where I could ONLY rely on God.

The thing is I think I may be there a little. But do I lean on God? I don't think so. I try but the other thoughts are so much louder. So much easier to believe.

I am thankful though that He is still here. Still trying. Still pursuing...

I have seen Him here and there during these times. I just need to lean on that again rather then letting the darkness tell me lies. So much easier to just say "do it" then to be able to actually DO IT. In the moment.

I have had problems turning to God a bit. I try to pray but I fail at that. Yet God keeps coming through and reminding me that He is still here. No matter how I feel like I can't hear Him or that I can't talk to Him. He is still talking to me.

I am pretty dang sure I am broken. Even if it is partially. I wanted it but now that it is here I am calling myself a liar. I am not so sure I really want it anymore.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)

Friday, April 10, 2009

"By Your Side"

This song resonated today.....God is here. Thankfully. I just have to strive to remember....

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go.

~ Tenth Avenue North

(Chorus 2x)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Three Strikes and.............

Yoooooooooooooooooou're OUT!

That is the constant saying that goes over and over in my own mind. This is not going to be a pleasant blog but I am hoping that by writing it I may be able to help myself. Maybe there might be someone else struggling with the same and understand. I still am not sure why I am sitting here writing this.

I FEEL like am a failure. I feel like I have let God down, my husband down, my son down, myself down and the child I could not carry to term. If you caught that, that is right I had another miscarriage. This baby I made it all the way to about 6 weeks 4 days. That is if I count it as when the bleeding first started.

I feel deflated, broken, hurt, angry, confused. Come on, three IN A ROW! What the hell! Then when I told someone about it they immediately started asking what was wrong, what is wrong with my body, why I can't carry another child to term. I said that I didn't know and asked for it to be dropped. I can beat myself up on my own without any help thankyouverymuch. I don't need any more help. I am doing a good enough job and Satan sneaks in there every moment.

I feel so numb that I can't pray. When I try praying I can't find the words. Just when I figured that I was holding it all together enough the tears squeak out. I just can't seem to keep them at bay.

My pastor this weekend was talking about grieving. I can tell you that I cried an awful lot that day. I tried to hide it but it couldn't stay hidden. He said that when he does funeral services he is glad to see those that are openly spilling their grief and tears and anger. He said it is the ones who keep to themselves and try to hold it all together that he worries about the most. But how can you NOT hold it all together. How can you try not to keep it together? I have to. I have a house to run. A house that is falling apart because I am trying to check out. He said that those who try to hold it all together are the ones who will end up having it come out sideways. That is the only thing I worry about.

I even found myself wanting to do something that would take away the pain. That will help me check out. But I can't. I have a toddler. I can't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep angry, I wake up angry and on the verge of tears. I don't want to keep crying but I can't guarantee when they will or will not come. I really don't have an appetite but have forced myself to eat.

Then like a cruel joke my stupid belly stares at me. As I double over in pain my belly still looks swollen a bit. I was already swollen and puffing out in the belly area just prior to the loss. I am blessed to have had and have caring people on my side but I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. I want to just check out. My hope is gone. I wait three months each time in between just to lose another one. Time and time again. I have said sorry so many times. I have been told that it is not my fault. How can it NOT be? It is my body. My body that is failing the baby. I can't seem to be able to bring these little angels to term so I fail God. I feel like I can't even talk to Him because I am so embarrassed. I can't find the words.

I know He has come to me a few times. I know He is there. I still hear Him. He has told me He is carrying me. That He hurts because I am hurting. But I push Him away. What kind of daughter does that? I guess you can say a hurting one.

I feel like I am out of the ball game. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to wait another three months just to lose another one. But then part of me wonders why I even bother trying! I can't do this. I need something to just sleep for a week. You add all the emotions on top of not being able to sleep and you have me. Just on edge. My family is suffering. I don't deserve to be around them. They don't need me as a mother and a wife. I am on edge and I don't know how to come off. Part of me just wants to jump.

I really don't know where this is leading. Just a lot of hurt. Pain. Anger. I wish I could turn to God but I just don't know how right now. I do know that I find myself holding Cooper a little tighter and thanking God a little more for him.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009


I really find this a pointless day myself but some people do the jokes and stuff.

I am thinking that God has a sense of humor.

Today we are expecting some snow flurries. It has already hit Maple Ridge and Langley. Come on it is April!

Makes me wonder if God is up there just laughing away. Good one!