Monday, March 26, 2007

So many thoughts

running around in my head that I don't know where to begin.
I feel so lost. I think I may be angry at God too. I am tired of people being taken out of my life. Yes I do know that it is for a reason. I just never knew how much it hurt until it happened to me then I realized that it was an experience I never wanted to happen again.
Every time I open up to someone for some reason God takes them "away". I HATE it. I don't like change. To some extent change is fine and I know it is good but doesn't mean that I have to like it. Call me selfish I, quite frankly, don't give a crap right now. Sure I am selfish but it sure as heck doesn't change any of my feelings.
A special friend stepped down from pastoring our church this weekend. I cried. Then cried some more and some more. I don't know why I took it so hard. Wait yes I do. Cause I am selfish. I am inconsiderate. I know that it is time for them to move on and grow in ways outside of the church. Time for some rest for them. But CRAP!! This fricken hurts. It hurts bad. Without Susan I am not so sure where my life would be today.
A chance meeting 2 plus years ago. Brought me into her home. Under her wing. Started the journey with God. I was vulnerable. I allowed myself to let her in. Allowed myself to cry to try to heal.
I actually used to go to a counselor too. I was reffered to this place. Last counseling session I was told that the practice was closing. Fine I will follow her to her new office. Nope she is retiring. The office is relocating. There is no subsity available. Thus no more help for me. LOL. I guess I was beyond help anyway. As I was talking to her about loosing Susan I saw the look on her face change. Then she had to break it to me that she was leaving. Two people. In one week. Damn it. Damn it all.
I allowed myself to be vulnerable and God just decided that those people didn't need to be as strong in my life anymore. I think that I am pretty angry right now. I am tired of people being taken away. Tired of loosing people. It is stupid. It hurts. What kind of lesson does it teach me? Well let's see it teaches me the lesson that I learnt years ago. My problems are my own. I don't need to burden others.
Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for these wonderful ladies. I am just so hurt. I decided that I had enough. It is NOT the ladies fault. It is my own choosing. I let people in then I end up getting them taken away and I have had enough. That's it. The wall is up. The mask is on. I will always be "good" or "fine". That way there is no chance of me getting hurt. I am mad at God. There is a part of me that wants to scream and yell but I sit silent.
Sue posted this the other day.
"Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go.
Sylvia Robinson"
funny thing is that I got the same email. I got the same devotion and I decided that I needed to blog that saying. I didn't to begin with cause I was trying to figure out my own world. Letting go. Why if it makes us strong, or stronger, does it hurt so damn bad.
I find myself trying to hang on. Clinging to my wall that I have decided to rebuild. Not wanting to let go, not wanting to move on. Being selfish.
I love these women dearly. They have been a major part of my life and journey. As I said I DO NOT blame either of them. I blame myself and to be honest I am blaming God. I am embarassed to admit it. I wish both of these wonderful women lots of success. I wish for myself to get over being so selfish and inmature and move on.
Damn it change BITES.


Sue said...

Yes it does bite! I've learned that the pain doesn't take us away from God but rather draws us to Him. He wants us to be close to Him so that He can comfort us.

wilsonian said...

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, Misty...

I am so glad though that you've had the chance to learn with them, and grow with them.

Michelle said...