Saturday, October 27, 2007

Feeling like I don't belong.

You ever get that feeling? I am sure you do. That feeling like you don't exist. That you shouldn't be in the place you are. Feeling like even though you know and love a person that they just don't feel the same. That your opinions and thoughts do not matter.
I am tired of feeling like this. Tired of feeling like I am not heard. That I am high maintenance or a burden to this person. Feeling like they can't even look at me anymore. Feeling like people see right past me. Like I don't exist. Like I am no longer in the room. Like my opinions don't matter.
It has obviously been on my mind a lot. I dreamt about it. I dreamt about being shunned out. Being told I am high maintenance. Being told that people don't like me. That I am not welcomed. That I can not be around people. Did I say it was like I am no longer welcomed. Oh wait I did.
People you were once close with don't seem to want to have anything to do with you. Sure it could very easily be my insecurities telling me these things. The tapes telling me that I am not good enough. That I will never be good enough. Telling me that I did something wrong and that it is always me in the wrong. Playing on the sense of uncomfort when I see that people won't look me in the eyes. That people give me short answers.
It really makes me feel worthless. Makes me feel like I don't matter. That I really don't belong and I shouldn't be trying to fit in. That I will never belong and the feeling that I belonged at one point was just false.
I feel like I need to go crawl into a hole sometimes. To not step out of my comfort zone and act happy. To act like I am not hurting when I see these people. But it really is starting to get harder and harder to hide. I just want to quit all together. I hate feeling like I don't belong.
Some times it feels like everyone pushes me away but mainly lately I feel it with someone I thought I was once close to. That is what hurts the most. I just feel like I want to quit all together but I am not a someone who likes to quit. Not having what we used to have hurts but I know God has His reasons.

5 comments:

julia said...

love you girl!
in due time.

wilsonian said...

Find a way to burn those tapes, girl. They do not serve you well!

Mommy to Ander and Wife to Box said...

I felt like this just last week! I suspect everyone feels this way sometimes. I think it's important that you remember that it's their loss for missing out on the kind, sweet person that you are.

Sue said...

just typed out a long response and lost it when I went to enter. oh well, I hope you know that I love you.

LauraB said...

HUGS sorry you feel so bad!