Thankfulness

Today is another Thanksgiving day for us here in Canada. I love thanksgiving and it's traditions and TURKEY. But I also love being able to stop and be thankful for things God has given.
So today I find myself wanting to share it with all.....


in NO particular order:

~God. Thankful that He hasn't given up on me, that He won't give up on me. That He understands me and my heart but continues to be patient. No matter how big He feels to me knowing that He is the Daddy that will always be able to stoop and hold me in His arms provides me some comfort.

~Phil. What can I say? This man is a wonderful gift from God. He works hard to provide for us and loves me in all my "moments". Even though some weeks are tough because he is working so much I am thankful for him and that he has a steady job in these times. That he works hard so I can stay home and raise our children.

~Cooper. This little boy is the light of my life. Going through three miscarriages in 10 months was a shitty deal. I know people go through worse but during those times and even now it reminds me what a wonderful gift my little boy is. What a blessing he is. He is so smart and I love the moments where he runs up and says, "MOMMY!" Then I say, yes Cooper. Then he looks at me with those beautiful eyes and says, "I LOVE YOU!" then takes off again.

~My miscarriages. You know, believe it or not I am thankful for having pulled through those times. It has given me a sense of understanding for others. It has opened my eyes to how fortunate I am to have one child. Although the hurt is still there I find that if I didn't go through that I wouldn't be as thankful as I am today.

~My hospital stay. I had a break down and was admitted for 5 weeks. It was a hell of a time. I started out numb and angry. Hurt and alone. Such a dark lonely time. A friend said that although I can't see it right now there will come a day I will look back on it and be thankful. I am thinking that day is here. I needed that time to grow closer to God. To understand why things were happening. Although it was a dark time I can sit here now and be thankful for it. For the love I was shown. For the shoulders I cried on. For the help I received. If it didn't happen I wouldn't have gotten the help I needed.

~My doctors. All of them, including counsellor. They are on my side. They fight for me. They understand what I believe and why I believe it. They acknowledge my belief about life at conception, they don't knock my feelings or say I am crazy, even though I try to convince them to say it because I feel it is true. I feel like they fight for me and it makes me feel like they are on my side. I have a good "team".

~All my family. not much more to say there but that I am thankful so much for them and their help.

~Friends. During my rough goes and tough times I had many friends pull through and care about me and for me. I cried on shoulders. I was held tight. I was told I was missed. I was assured that I would be ok even though I couldn't see it.

~A roof over my head.

~Clothes on my back.

~Food in my stomach and in the fridge.

~Giving back to God.

~Growing up and trying to figure out my finances properly.

~Hot water.

~Cold milk.

~Wonderful neighbours.

~A running car.

~Electricity.

~Power of Prayer. This is a big one for me and has been proving evident the last little while. Although I may not understand it and God just seems so big I am still able to pray and He listens. The power in numbers. The power that prayer has over darkness. The power it has to change lives.

~Freedom.

I think that is about it for now. I just have so much going in my mind. I am sure I missed people or things but I am thankful for everything in my life. Big or small.

So as I wrap this up and get ready to start the day of cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving dinner I know I feel thankful. I love this place and love entertaining. I leave you all with a bit of Autumn pics. Some dessert to follow this meal....

Being walked along with

Tonight I went to a ladies night with my church. The speaker was talking a lot about faith and trust. That God is walking with us. That He won't leave us and will guide us when we need it most.

Lately I have felt stretched thin a bit. I am grateful for my life but sometimes I just need a break. It is during those times that the darkness sneaks in and seeps in to my heart.

Tonight there was a lot of tears on my end. Tears I have worked very hard at keeping far away. Keeping the mask worn and the tears hidden. I just don't have the time to cry. The time to acknowledge my hurt and fears. I have many fears right now that I am not ready to publicly post and admit. Not just yet.
Tonight I heard loud and clear, "you have a hard heart and you will keep it that way." Something to that effect. I hesitantly asked someone if I could ask them a stupid question. They told me I could ask a question. I asked if that was from God. Or the Enemy or myself. They asked if I thought it was from God and I shrugged my shoulders because I was unsure. Honestly I was unsure. I know rationally that it wouldn't have been from God. But my irrational, louder mind tells me that I am not worthy. I try to believe that God is there and that He won't leave me but it is like the more I believe it the more of a battle it becomes.

My nights have been filled with dreams non-stop. Some disturbing dreams. Some with members from church trying to be supportive and praying over a lot of women. Some dark and full of fear. You know the ones. The ones where they shake you so deeply to the core that you can't forget them. That you see it when your eyes close. That the memory of the dream slips in when least expected. I don't like those dreams and I hope that I do indeed have a restful night tonight.

I know my life is blessed and I am so thankful for that. But do you ever get to the point, as a believer, that you just don't want to battle anymore? I am tired of fighting. Afraid of slipping and falling and having no one to catch me when I fall. Thankfully I know in my heart that God is really truly the only Father I can count on. He won't die on me. He won't leave me alone. He won't cause abuse or anything of the like. I struggle with needing to remember that. I need to try to remember it daily.

It is like the footprints poem. When there was only one set of footprints it was then that God carried me. I so hope that He is carrying me now. Because I feel so weak and like I really can't go on. Like I can't take another step. But I guess I keep trying in faith. Somewhere in my soul I believe. I beg that He forgives my unbelief. We all have good days and bad days. These are bad days as of late but thankfully God is good. I know it in my heart of hearts.

I am thankful for those that listened to me tonight. For the ladies God sent in to my court. Man the battle is so hard. Please God...don't give up yet...not just yet.

My "baby" started preschool today

so today was the first full day of preschool. I can't believe it. Where did the time go?

This picture was from last week, the orientation. Thumbs up ready to go


today all excited now that we were at the school. He was apprehensive this morning though.


his very first first day of school outfit. Daddy picked it out.


He even has his very own cubbie with his name on it!



I want to cry but this is so exciting!!!

Thankful

Today I find myself extremely thankful.

I am thankful for where God has me right now at this very moment. I am thankful to be a stay at home mom. Although some days I want to just quit. But really I am proud to be in the position that I am in.

I love being able to stay home and raise my son. To instill Christian beliefs and to help him understand. Nothing makes me more proud when he gets all excited when "Blessed be Your name" comes on the radio. Cooper will yell at the top of his lungs, "Blessed be name Mom! Blessed be name!" Then he will start to dance and even sing along with it. My heart swells with pride knowing that he is my son and is happy to hear such a beautiful song. That he tells me he is singing about God.

There are times where he pushed my buttons, like this morning when he battled with me for 45minutes to eat his breakfast. But he has to learn and I am the one that has been chosen to raise him. That God sees something in me that says, "She is just right for this special little angel". I feel honored.

I feel honored to be at home with him. I feel honored to stand at the sink and do dishes because I know it is making my house a pleasant place to be. That God feels like I am just right for that job. Then there is the job to make Phil's lunch. To make meals etc. I am honored that God chose me.

Yesterday my car broke down. I was on my way to Vancouver from Abbotsford, about a hour and 45 minutes to get there. But before I got on to the freeway I had this feeling that I left my hair straightener on. So I turned around and grumbled about having to go back home. I get home, turn off the car, go upstairs only to see I unplugged it already. So I found myself cursing myself for not remembering.
Then I go back down to the car, lock the front door and get in my car. I go to start it and NOTHING. Turns out that it was my starter. Thankfully Phil's van was home so I used that instead. All the while mad, frustrated and just stressing out. Then on the road again I found myself doing something totally different.

I stopped the bitching and said, "Thank you God". Thank God that it didn't happen IN Vancouver. That it happened at home. Thank God that Phil's van was home. That I had enough money for gas. That we were safe. Thank God that I have a husband that can fix it. Thank God I left earlier then needed as a "just in case".

Although I know I don't act like it sometimes I am very thankful for God and where He has me. I feel honored and priviledged that He thinks I am the one to do what He needs me to do here.

I am thankful for my life. There is also a part of me, although very small still, that is thankful in a weird way for the losses. Because they are showing me that God is here. Thankful that because of them I can relate to someone else who may be going through the same things. Thankful for my mentors who are guiding me and showing me that He is here no matter what.

Most of all I am thankful for a Father that won't leave me.

Update

well a lot has been going on lately. We just moved in to a co-op townhome. We love it. So much more space and Cooper has a bit of a backyard to play in.

I have had so many questions about God lately and have been trying to understand. The person who mentors me has been patient and kind in all of this. God just seems SO big and then I feel like there is so much more to the Christian walk then Faith and Trust. However, I have learned that that is in fact the premise of our walk. To hold on and walk in Faith and Trust of the Father who loves us so deeply.

Although I don't think I will ever understand it all I am amazed. Even though I struggle, I feel angry or hurt and stop talking to God He still chooses to bless me. To bless my family. We have been really blessed this past while and we are so thankful for it.

My inlaws buying a new couch for us for the new place. Getting money here and there. Sometimes annonymously and sometimes from a trusted friend. Friends buying us things for the new place, my wonderful mother in law helping purchase stuff like curtains and toilet paper holders. My excellent father in law making the stair well deep enough to finally fit the queen sized mattress box spring up. A dear friend helping him. A special friend helping me to unpack and move things away. Having so much help packing.

Then the other day we went for our first family walk around the neighbourhood only to find $25. Perfect! Milk money! God once again looking out for us. So even though I struggle and feel like He is not here He still finds me worthy enough to bless. He is taking care of us and He really is here.

So I trust Him with my fertility stuff and will pray it be in His hands. I just have been reminded time and time again how good God is. How He is looking out for us and loves us. That He does in fact have time for me and listens to my prayers even though there are so many other worthy people to be listening to. I am one of those worthy people to Him. I thank God every day.

God is good and patient. I am so thankful and grateful.

For some reason this song has struck me lately

More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

"Set Me Free"

So since yesterday I have had a lot on my mind. Actually I usually always have quite a bit on my mind. My mind usually doesn't stop. In fact I honestly didn't realize that following God was "simple".

I prayed for help breaking the strong holds in my life that are keeping me back. Keeping me from loving myself. Keeping me from trusting God. Keeping myself from just having faith in God and realizing that He won't abandon me. Old thought patterns have to go. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not funny enough, etc.

This is hard. Really hard. I am so used to it that it comes to my mind first and foremost. Every time. I can't look in the mirror because I don't like what I see. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child and wait for Him to leave me. I didn't do a darn thing to deserve God's love and Mercy but He gives it to me anyway. Don't ask me why because I can't even explain it.

I need to break the chains and embrace the fact that God does love me. That I am worthy to be His child. I am tired of the chains holding me back, the chains not allowing me further.

I am not sure it makes any sense. I just know that I need to break the chains that I have been allowing to hold me back. I have to not allow it anymore. I need to ask God to help me. I need His strength. There is just so much to do. I don't know if I can do it. But I know that I am tired of being held down. Of holding MYSELF back.

just so many things in my mind....

this song comes to mind. I want and need to be set free. I need the chains broken.


Fall on me (set me free) by Vineyard Worship

Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains
my filthy stains, Jesus


And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free
Set me free (2x)


Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.


And break these chains
And break these chains

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free(4x)


Fall on me
Ever so gently
Breathe on, breathe on these dry bones.

Shower me
In your love
Washing, washing my filthy stains,
my filthy stains.

And break these chains
And break these chains (3x)

Set me free
Set me free
Set me free Lord
Set me free (4x)

Measuring Up

Today's service talked about measuring up. The funny thing though is that after someone shared this morning I found myself thinking, "wow. Why can't I be like them?"

Someone this morning shared that they had told complete strangers their testimony and also talked about Jesus. I find that I get to the point where I am afraid to share because I may not be wise enough with what I am saying.
I saw pregnant mommy's and I thought, "hmm. that would be nice."
I saw a very pretty skinny lady and I thought, "Dang. Wish I looked like that."

I was measuring up myself to what others looked like or what I saw about others. Just like with my photography. I start bashing myself thinking that I would never be good enough. That my work doesn't measure up to another photographers. I don't have enough gear. I don't have enough experience under my belt.
I bash myself thinking that I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I wish I looked like so and so. But if I look I have a husband and child who loves me just as I am.
The whole pregnant thing. Well I have a healthy son and that I am grateful for.
The photography...I think it is a gift from God and I want to embrace it fully.

But the service today I felt like I was being talked directly to. I am always measuring myself with others. I don't think I am good enough to be God's child. Not good enough to be loved by Him. Not smart enough to talk about Him. I just will never be what He needs me to be and part of me waits until He just gives up and walks away.

I am not good enough.
I never will be.
Someone told me that that is just the point. It really blows my mind. The pastor today says that on a scale of 0-10 as to whether God loves us or if we are good enough there is no such thing as a 7. You are either a 0 or a 10. I have a hard time with this. So that means that I would be a 10? But really would I be? I believe in Him. I really do yet I struggle.

I went up and took the plunge for prayer. Talked about measuring up and how I felt like it applied to me. I believe the lies from the enemy. In essence I hold fast to the strong holds that the enemy has on me. The lies I have believed all my life. Today the person helped me to pray. She helped guide me as to what I could pray. She did not push me she said she would not make me pray. She said to only do it if I really wanted to break that stronghold. I do. So I prayed. We prayed together. I asked God for help breaking the lies and to believe in the Truth. I cried. I don't like going up because I don't want to cry in front of people. AGAIN the pastor had said if things like wondering if you would measure up or if people would see you get emotional. That is exactly what I think. I am afraid of people seeing me. That I won't be doing things right.

I am sure this blog is all over the place. But I don't measure up. I won't ever measure up. But God doesn't give up on me? Why? I need to believe and hold the faith. I need to have the faith. "I believe, forgive me for my unbelief." I prayed that to God today with the other lady.

Time to realize I will never measure up to my own standards and to stop holding standards that I think other people think of me. It is MY thoughts and MY beliefs. They need to be let go.

Seeing Thorns as Blessings

From my devotional this morning:

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

trying to stay focussed

on the good. Trying to remember all the good and not let all the negative slash back at me.

The issues I was told I have was good to receive because those were fixable. A couple days later my family doc called me to come in and go over my blood work. Turns out that my prolactin levels are up again. So that can also cause miscarriages so now we take another step back.

It is like we get answers and a way to solve it then this happens. I am more then double what I should be. Prolactin is a hormone that is released when ovulating or when nursing. It should not be above 23 for a non nursing mother. I was good at an 11 for two months. Now it goes up again. So it is confusing, frustrating and annoying.

There is a BIG part of me that just wants to yell and get mad at God. Yet I am trying not to and to focus on the good. Sometimes it just feels so hard.

Good in every situation

I know that God is working all things out for His good. Even the hard/bad/debilitating situations He will turn it around to work things out for good.

There was a point where I thought there was no possibility that something good would come out of my miscarriages. But I now realize there is. It has given me a more compassionate heart for those that are going through it. It gave me a chance to get some testing done. It gave me answers.

It turns out that I have a protein definciency and a blood clotting issue. Both of which are not elevated enough to cause concern about my health but enough to cause miscarriages. The good thing is that these are both treatable and there is a good chance that I will be able to have that baby one day.

I will have to take 5mg of folic acid, 100mg of Vitamin B6 and a baby aspirin every day for the first few months. Plus prior to the pregnancy. There are also some shots that may or may not need to be done. The thing in the way is money of course but I know we will work it out.

I have also injured my knee and it has required me to be on crutches. I was asking a friend if it was God that did it. My friend said that it was just a mistake and was not God's plan but that God would use it for His good. I think He is. It is teaching me to humble myself. I am starting to think that might have been the theme this past year.
We are trying to pack to move and I can't put weight on my knee yet my neighbours are offering help, friends are offering help and I have had to ask for help from my husband. I don't normally ask for help at all so this is a step for me. So yet another good thing that God is doing in this situation.

God is good and I am trying to focus on the good and thank Him for it.

it just takes one thought

Why is it that it takes just ONE thought to spiral you? ONE negative thought to get you in to the direction that you are not good enough, you will never heal, you are fat, you are ugly and it just keeps going down, down, down.

thankfully this morning I was able to recognise the thought by the time it hit the second negative one. I pushed it down and told myself NO. I worked hard to build it back up and to get it working to the point where I wasn't beating myself up. It was hard.

It started with not wanting to go to group today. Then the thought of not ever being able to heal, then how I am not worthy enough to talk to anyone because I am a bother. So I guess that was three thoughts. It just kept trying to go down. I could physically feel my mood spiraling. Spiraling down into the darkness.

It just takes one thought to get you going down and knock you down but it takes many positive thoughts to keep you afloat. Your old thought patterns are easier to cling to. They are easy for the enemy to push his finger on and keep you where he wants you.

Yet the place where Jesus wants you is so much clearer. Pleasant and loving.

it just takes one. But it is worth the 20 positive thoughts to keep you grounded. Sometimes it is just SO hard.

Devotion this morning

“‘What do you mean, ‘If I can’?’ Jesus asked. ‘Anything is possible if a person believes’” (Mark 9:23 NLT).

God will build your faith by planting a dream within you. But that dream will require a decision of faith, and then God will stretch your faith as you face delays, difficulties, and dead ends.

It is then that God comes in and delivers. God does a miracle. God provides a solution. For instance:

• In Moses’ case, God parts the Red Sea.
• In Abraham’s case, he and Sarah miraculously conceive a child.
• In Joseph’s case, all of a sudden his dream comes true and he finds himself no longer imprisoned in a dungeon; instead, he is the second in command in Egypt.

And Jesus was resurrected! God can even turn a crucifixion into resurrection, and that means He has the power to transform your dead ends into deliverance. He builds your faith through delays, difficulties, and dead ends, so that when He delivers you—God gets all the credit!

When faced with a dead end, the best response is to expect God to act. What are you expecting God to do in your life? Jesus says, “According to your faith will it be done to you” (Matthew 9:29 NIV).

When you wait for deliverance, then God gets the credit. And you can look back to see how God led you through a path of faith, expanding and increasing your trust of Him with every step. Your faith is stronger and now you can say with confidence: “I am expecting the Lord to rescue me again, so that once again I will see His goodness to me” (Psalm 27:13 LB).


-From the Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotional

1 Peter 1:6-7

Got this in a devotional today. hmm...


"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Jealousy

I am really not sure how to post this without offending someone. My intentions are NOT to offend ANYONE. I just need and want to write out what I have been struggling with. It is about loses and pregnancies so stop reading now if you don't want to go any further.


As you may/may not know I have had three miscarriages this past year. Each time one happens it takes a bit more of me with it. Total of three in 9 months was just too much. During that time I knew 9 people in my life who were pregnant.

As their pregnancies progressed I was excited yet wondered, why not me? When will it happen for me? WILL it happen for me again? Don't get me wrong I know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful little boy.

Yet as the time goes on I find myself getting jealous. All those pregnant ladies are now having babies. I LOVE babies. Most people do...but there is a part of me that gets a sharp pain when I feel my own arms aching. I am so blessed to be able to hold these babies and love on them. When I come home and all is quiet that is when the tears fall, when the pain gets me.

I know jealousy is not of God. Yet I find it catching me too. I try to pray it away. I try to push it down but sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I am thankful for people that will listen. People that understand my pain. Even I can't put it in to words some days but just being silent seems to help. Looking at my little boy helps.

I have been told I won't forget but the pain will get less. I have been debating on writing this because I don't want to offend/hurt any pregnant ladies or any of my friends. I am grateful for my friends that understand. That know when I can't talk anymore. I just don't have it in me. Yet they continue to love me and support me.

I guess this is just rambling but I did need to get it out. Don't be surprised if it comes down....

Prime Time With God - Daily Devotional

from this morning. I swear I have heard this before. As in recently.....

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways" (Isaiah 55:8-9)

2 steps forward, one step back

So lately Phil has told me that I have been doing pretty well. That I have been doing really good actually.

Yet today I have an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I just can't seem to shake it. I am tired and want to be in bed. I feel sad and lonely. Cooper has had WAY too much TV today. I feel detached as well.

Guess that is the territory that can come with depression. I just can't seem to shake it today. I am thankful that God's mercies are new every morning at least. I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Although.....

I got a call from my doctor's office saying the test results were back and my doc wants to see me. I only had blood tests done. So I am thinking he found something and maybe this will give me an answer to things. I don't know. But if you know me well enough, you know that my mind has gone in to over drive. Although I try not to worry or anything it keeps coming back to the forefront of my mind.

time to try to take that step forward back. Or at least go to bed. lol

some days are better then others for sure. I just keep trying each and every day.

Psalm 27:1

I was lead to this Psalm this morning.

"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid? "


There is fear in my heart right now but I am trying each and every day to hand it over to God. He is my stronghold and He has the strength to deal with it. I won't allow myself or the enemy to dwell on the fear. Fear is not of God. I wish this was easier though...

A bit from my devotional this morning

I really feel like God is trying to help me understand His love. I have a hard time with it but I think He keeps trying. Here is a bit from my devotional this morning from "Purpose Driven Connection" by Rick Warren.

"The Lord reached down from above and took hold of me; He pulled me out of the deep waters" (Psalm 18:16 TEV).

There are times when we all think, "I'm going under for the last time! I'm about to sink!" No matter how deep you are, God's love is there; He can pull you out of the deepest waters.

No matter what problem you have, God's love is deeper than your problem. You may be in deep despair, deep trouble, under deep stress. You may have deep problems - emotional problems, physical problems, financial problems.

Yet, God's love is deeper still.

In the last few months, you may have hit bottom...You're frustrated and you think, "I'm going under."

Where is God when you hit bottom? He's right there underneath you. He is "your refuge, and His everlasting arms are under you" (Deuteronomy 33:27 NLT).

Drop into His arms of love. Let Him catch you and support you when you have nowhere else to go.

****************************************************

I personally believe that I have hit bottom and had it pulled directly out from under me but I KNOW that God was still loving me. People helped to drive that home. I am so thankful that His love is so big. That He will always love me no matter what. I really need to get it fully in to my heart.

I am worth being loved by Him. So are you.

then I just got this too in my email....
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 58:8,9).

talk about timing...

It's been a LONG time....

let's just say that lately I have had struggles. I know everyone has. I know my struggles don't amount to what so and so may be going through or they may be worse then the guy next door but that is not the point. The point is not that you have struggles worse or less then the other person. The point is that MY struggles are hard for me. That I have been broken and thrown in to my own little hell.

The past year has been a really hard one for me. I am sure some of you may know or may gather from reading my blog. I just am not ready to go in to full details yet as to what has happened. Just that I was broken and I am hoping to continue the healing God has already started in my heart.

Last night on the way home from a dear friends baby shower I decided to actually listen to the message that was playing on 106.5 Praise FM. Chuck Swindoll was talking on "Unraveling the Mystery of Suffering". Just hearing the title peaked my interest so I decided to listen. Many times my jaw dropped and tears formed because he seemed to know dead on and it was like God was talking to me. Mr. Swindoll was talking on 2 Corinthians chapter 1.

Mr. Swindoll had some great points. I often wondered WHY I was going through what I was going through. Why the loses. Why the other stuff and how I got to where I did. He made a point along these lines.....
"When I climb up out of the grief, the disappointment, and the horror of it all then I get stabilized and wouldn't you know it, someone else goes through a similar experience. I meet them and I am able to understand.
Had I not gone through my loss, my grief, my heartache, my brokenness, I wouldn't have the inner equipment to even understand, say nothing to comfort others."

Wow! If that isn't the truth! That is exactly why I blog what I do. Why I choose to be so real and vulnerable. Why I tell real life people what I have gone through. I just never know if it may help someone or help someone realize that "hey, she went through it or is going through it, maybe I can talk to her." Going through what I have gone through and what I am going through really does allow me to be able to relate to others who may be struggling as well.

He goes on to say, "We suffer so that we may comfort others who go through a similar situation." It is hard to imagine that. The reason I am going through this is because this is where God needs me to be. Then last night just realizing that because of what I have gone through and am going through I can be a comfort to someone else. Someone that may be hurting and broken to the extent I was and am. That I may just be able to help someone else.

I am not writing this for pity or to be acknowledged. I am writing this because last night I came to a realization that God was and is with me in all of this. That if He can use me to help someone else then maybe it was good that it all happened. I haven't yet been able to say thank you but I hope to get there one day. It is still all fresh and new to me and I don't know when I will be able to thank God that this is all happening. I know, this must sound pretty vague and for that I apologize. Just understand I am not ready just yet to share it to the big world of blogging.

When Mr. Swindoll went on to say, "the suffering is of such great intensity that it is designed by God to bring us to the end of our own strength. Without an explanation, without an escape and without strength to go on you find yourself falling before God saying 'help.' 'help me.' 'help me now.' " my jaw hit the floor. That is exactly what happened. I got to the point where I couldn't go on. Although I am not sure if I did drop before God I can look back now and realize that I was in fact crying out for help. All the signs are there. Hindsight. I can see it all. Now. Not then but I can see it now. People were telling me how to go about things and that I needed to reach out for help but I still fought it. I should have listened. I was at the end of my strength. I had nothing left. No where else to turn. Little did I see that God was already offering a way out.

It is at the point where I do realize that "Broken people understand people being broken." I know that I need to keep the faith, I need to keep fighting. That Mr. Swindoll is right when he says, "faith comes when I surrender to the Father and say, 'you take this battle for me'." I am slowly surrendering. I know that I don't have the strength to do this myself. It is God's strength that will help me pull through. "God never wastes tests. They are designed to strengthen the muscle of faith to trust, to cause us to trust Him when the bottom really does drop out."

The bottom has dropped out for me. I realized too that I needed God more then ever. Sometimes when I didn't know what to do I said three simple words, "God help me." Then "God protect me." I didn't have the words or strength to go on but just uttering those simple sentences showed me that God WAS and IS there. That He is rooting for me, fighting for me and pulling me through. I hear His voice more now.

The battle is hell. It has been one hell of a year. I try to see the good of the last year but I can't see it just yet. I know one day though I will look back on it and think "AH! That is why it happened." Just knowing that for now I can be a help to someone else makes the battle a little easier. Just knowing that I was and am loved helped me to pull through a little stronger.

I take things step by step, minute by minute, day by day. I try not to think about a week from now. For now I stop and think about what is going to happen today.

sorry for the mismatched blog. One day it will all make more sense. Right now this is all I have in me.