From "The Shack"

been re-reading this lately. This paragraph got me. It is "God" talking to Mack. Mack is on the verge of tears and fighting the emotion.

" 'It's okay honey, you can let it all out....I know you've been hurt, and I know you're angry and confused. So, go ahead and let it out. It does a soul good to let the waters run once in a while - the healing waters.'

But while Mack could not stop the tears from filling his eyes, he was not ready to let go - not yet, not with this woman. With every effort he could muster, he kept himself from falling back into the black hole of his emotions. Meanwhile, this woman stood there with her arms outstretched as if they were the very arms of his mother. He felt the presence of love. It was warm, inviting, melting.

'Not ready?' she responded. 'That's okay, we'll do things on your terms and time.' " pg. 83


I am really not sure what else to say right now. Except that I think I can relate...

ups and downs

I have good days and bad days.

I have noticed when I wake up angry with the world and stop to pray it has really helped. I just have to STOP and remember to do it...

Today I held a baby at mom's group. It is the first time I have been to mom's group in a couple months. Just circumstances didn't allow me to go and then the loss made me want to stay away from every one!
This sweet little boy stayed sleeping in my arms. It was hard to listen to people talking about the person being pregnant next to me but I was so happy for her at the same time. I looked down at this perfect baby boy and just smiled while I tried to fight the tears. Feeling like a FOOL the whole time.

I have been hearing and seeing God, just not allowing myself to acknowledge it. The enemy and my own thoughts really throw me for a loop a lot. I LOVE pregnant bellies, I love new babies (babies period).

I have noticed that I have been doing something VERY new to me. I have been taking things day by day. Step by step. Emotion by emotion. I have been re-reading "The Shack" again. Well trying to at least. I don't think about tomorrow. I don't think about tonight or four months down the road. I try not to think about it at least. I try to just take everything as it comes.

Right now it is a battle, most of life is. I am battling my own thoughts and trying to control a situation, which I am succeeding at because it is the ONE place I can control. Or so *I* think.

I guess there is really not much to say. Just that I have the ups and downs. But I KNOW better and I KNOW God is here. That He will help me through. I realize a little that He does have enough love for me. He must.....Maybe He is trying to tell me He doesn't love me any less or think of me as a failure although I sit beating myself up. There just seems like I have so much I need to do. So many areas to improve. So there is ups and downs. There is good and bad. There are moments. But I keep going day by day. If not for me then for my son and husband. Day by day. Prayer by Prayer.

I can't believe it!

Three years ago today God gave us the MOST AMAZING gift. As of 6:40 this morning my special little boy "officially" turned 3!

wow how time has flown....

seconds after being born


all cozy



this morning opening presents:


"do I have to take a picture?"


half smile


blowing out his candle


the birthday pancake. Which he promptly freaked out at because it wasn't normal. He normally doesn't like sweets. Oops...

Foul Mood

this morning I woke up in an absolutely FOUL mood.

I was pissy and grumpy.

Then before I even left my bedroom I stopped. I don't normally do this but today I did. I stopped and thanked God. Thanked Him that His mercies are new every morning and that it goes for me too. Then I asked Him for help to not be in such a crappy mood and so pissy. I prayed for strength.

Then I felt a little lighter. I didn't feel *as* pissy as I was. Sure things are still frustrating me, making me angry and making me feel over whelmed but this morning I am actually able to stop. To stop and just breathe. I haven't been able to do that yet.

I really hope that I am able to continue this throughout the day. I take things day by day. I am not trying to look too far in to the future. I feel over whelmed at all the stuff I have to clean and do. But then I think I hear God say, "One thing at a time. One thing at a time."

so thankfully God grants us His mercies new every morning. I know He is going to give me the strength to get through the day. Through all this crap. I just KNOW it in my heart. I just have to tell my mind to believe it.

I stopped and prayed. I felt the calm. I just hope I can keep remembering to stop and pray all day. Thank you Lord. You are so good. Thank you that you haven't given up on me.

"I will be calm and no longer angry." Ezekiel 16:42

I realized something this morning

I used to think I WANTED God to break me. I wanted to be broken to the point where I could ONLY rely on God.

The thing is I think I may be there a little. But do I lean on God? I don't think so. I try but the other thoughts are so much louder. So much easier to believe.

I am thankful though that He is still here. Still trying. Still pursuing...

I have seen Him here and there during these times. I just need to lean on that again rather then letting the darkness tell me lies. So much easier to just say "do it" then to be able to actually DO IT. In the moment.

I have had problems turning to God a bit. I try to pray but I fail at that. Yet God keeps coming through and reminding me that He is still here. No matter how I feel like I can't hear Him or that I can't talk to Him. He is still talking to me.

I am pretty dang sure I am broken. Even if it is partially. I wanted it but now that it is here I am calling myself a liar. I am not so sure I really want it anymore.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'" (2 Cor 12:9)

"By Your Side"

This song resonated today.....God is here. Thankfully. I just have to strive to remember....

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go.

~ Tenth Avenue North

(Chorus 2x)

Three Strikes and.............

Yoooooooooooooooooou're OUT!

That is the constant saying that goes over and over in my own mind. This is not going to be a pleasant blog but I am hoping that by writing it I may be able to help myself. Maybe there might be someone else struggling with the same and understand. I still am not sure why I am sitting here writing this.

I FEEL like am a failure. I feel like I have let God down, my husband down, my son down, myself down and the child I could not carry to term. If you caught that, that is right I had another miscarriage. This baby I made it all the way to about 6 weeks 4 days. That is if I count it as when the bleeding first started.

I feel deflated, broken, hurt, angry, confused. Come on, three IN A ROW! What the hell! Then when I told someone about it they immediately started asking what was wrong, what is wrong with my body, why I can't carry another child to term. I said that I didn't know and asked for it to be dropped. I can beat myself up on my own without any help thankyouverymuch. I don't need any more help. I am doing a good enough job and Satan sneaks in there every moment.

I feel so numb that I can't pray. When I try praying I can't find the words. Just when I figured that I was holding it all together enough the tears squeak out. I just can't seem to keep them at bay.

My pastor this weekend was talking about grieving. I can tell you that I cried an awful lot that day. I tried to hide it but it couldn't stay hidden. He said that when he does funeral services he is glad to see those that are openly spilling their grief and tears and anger. He said it is the ones who keep to themselves and try to hold it all together that he worries about the most. But how can you NOT hold it all together. How can you try not to keep it together? I have to. I have a house to run. A house that is falling apart because I am trying to check out. He said that those who try to hold it all together are the ones who will end up having it come out sideways. That is the only thing I worry about.

I even found myself wanting to do something that would take away the pain. That will help me check out. But I can't. I have a toddler. I can't sleep at night anymore. I fall asleep angry, I wake up angry and on the verge of tears. I don't want to keep crying but I can't guarantee when they will or will not come. I really don't have an appetite but have forced myself to eat.

Then like a cruel joke my stupid belly stares at me. As I double over in pain my belly still looks swollen a bit. I was already swollen and puffing out in the belly area just prior to the loss. I am blessed to have had and have caring people on my side but I just don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore. I want to just check out. My hope is gone. I wait three months each time in between just to lose another one. Time and time again. I have said sorry so many times. I have been told that it is not my fault. How can it NOT be? It is my body. My body that is failing the baby. I can't seem to be able to bring these little angels to term so I fail God. I feel like I can't even talk to Him because I am so embarrassed. I can't find the words.

I know He has come to me a few times. I know He is there. I still hear Him. He has told me He is carrying me. That He hurts because I am hurting. But I push Him away. What kind of daughter does that? I guess you can say a hurting one.

I feel like I am out of the ball game. I feel like I just can't do this anymore. I don't want to wait another three months just to lose another one. But then part of me wonders why I even bother trying! I can't do this. I need something to just sleep for a week. You add all the emotions on top of not being able to sleep and you have me. Just on edge. My family is suffering. I don't deserve to be around them. They don't need me as a mother and a wife. I am on edge and I don't know how to come off. Part of me just wants to jump.

I really don't know where this is leading. Just a lot of hurt. Pain. Anger. I wish I could turn to God but I just don't know how right now. I do know that I find myself holding Cooper a little tighter and thanking God a little more for him.

APRIL FOOL'S!

I really find this a pointless day myself but some people do the jokes and stuff.

I am thinking that God has a sense of humor.

Today we are expecting some snow flurries. It has already hit Maple Ridge and Langley. Come on it is April!

Makes me wonder if God is up there just laughing away. Good one!

Choosing to live

The last few days I have heard a lot about dying to this world and choosing to live in Christ. I don't fully understand it to be honest. My mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts in this matter. I just can't seem to be able to understand it all.

I am pretty sure that the day I chose to accept Christ in to my heart I was choosing to live. Live in God's world. Live through His word. But lately I have been wondering if I do it.

I try to do the right things. I try to put others first. I am pretty sure I follow the ten commandments but sometimes I really wonder if I am really LIVING in Christ. I am so lost with this that it isn't even funny!

I know that right now I am going through some emotions and things that I am not ready to talk about but I am trying to fight. I am trying to trust God. To have faith in Him. However, I find myself fighting it. Giving in to the worldly thoughts, fears and worries. I go back to my old habits of worrying myself sick. I have to stop myself many times a day to pray. I am trying to get through it. I don't know how many times I have cried out to God. I can't count how many times I keep saying sorry. Sorry that I am not trusting. Sorry that I am trying to hold on. Sorry that I just don't understand. Thank God that He knows my heart. Because my mind gets in the way and muddles everything up. My heart wants all of Him. I want to live in Him, in His word.

I make goals but I don't keep them. I fail time and time again. Does He throw His hands in the air and say, "ah forget it. This one is a lost cause." Nope, He digs His heels in and holds me close as I try to fight it and run away. He digs in for the long haul. He wants me. He wants all of me. He has my heart. I trust Him more then anything in this world but my worldly mind tries to control things. To figure out and think about outcomes that are beyond my control. It needs to be all about Him. It needs to be all Him. I need God and His strength. So is that choosing to live in Him?

I want to live in Christ. I want to teach my son to choose God and to die to this world but how can I teach Him when I feel so lost myself? Guess this needs to be something I have to look up today....

I say I am choosing to live. Am I? Am I really? When I fight and when I worry is that failing? Is that giving in to this world? sigh....

told you my brain was muddled and confused!

Primetime with God - Daily devotional

seems rather fitting YET AGAIN!

by Os Hillman
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).


If you've ever been through a major crisis, you probably know what a communications "black hole" feels like. While you are in the pit of adversity, you feel that your world is collapsing, that your life is out of control--and that God is silent. The silence of a black hole is deafening. You feel isolated and alone. You question God's love, His care for you, and even His existence.

But even when it seems that God is distant and silent, your "heat shield" is still there, firm and reliable. In your black hole experience, God is teaching you to go deeper into your relationship with Him. You may think that your life is out of control and burning like a meteor, but in reality God, your heat shield, still protects you from the fiery forces that surround you.

Verse from this morning

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

Trust

So lately the big word that has been reoccurring for me is the word Trust. I don't trust easily unless I feel the right connection and then sometimes I trust too easily. A lot of the time that trust ends up being broken in one way or another. However that is what happens. We are only human after all.

Today I went up to "take the plunge" after church. For prayer to help trust God and to be patient and have the faith. This nice lady came and prayed with me. I think it is great when I get to hear people pray. You get to hear all the different ways God leads people to speak to Him on our behalf.

She had her arm behind me, kind of stopped me from falling backwards a bit as I was feeling dizzy. She asked me to close my eyes and just to picture Jesus. So I did. She asked what I felt or saw, I said that I felt His arms around me and He pulled me close to His chest. She asked me if I could feel His heart beat. I said I was pretty sure that I could. Then she asked me to listen to God. Asked what I heard. I said I heard "trust". She said that it was a big word.

So she continued to pray and talk to God. She asked that He talk to me and that I could hear Him clearly. Then she asked me if I could hear Him. I said yes. She asked what He said.
He told me "I will not abandon". She said that was a big one too. Then we thanked God for His words. She asked me to look in His eyes. She said, can you do that? I said no.

"why?" she asked

"Because He is too big for me to look at His eyes and I just want to keep my head on His chest right now."


Needless to say that was amazing. I loved it. I NEED to trust God. I need to be calm and just relax in Him. I find it hard as my mind takes over and goes in to over drive. I think way too much and have problems over analyzing things. I am taking things day by day. Trying really hard to. My life is in God's hands and it always will be. I am thankful that He pursues me and continues to love me in all my flaws.

I am trying really hard and I know my heart wants to trust but my mind gets in the way. This shouldn't be so hard so I try to hand it over to God. This morning I felt His presence as tears fell during a very powerful song. I felt tingles in my hands and warmth come over me as His wonderfully loving Holy Spirit washed over me. Whispering to trust. Telling me He is there.

I will trust. No matter how hard I have to work to fight off my own brain. A wonderful journey and feeling.

Had this come to my mind last night as I was praying

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

the trip was great!

we have been back for about a week now but I just didn't know what to write. Imagine that!

I needed that break too. I don't feel AS attacked as before I left. It was a great time with all my family. Most of the family seperated to do the bigger rides but Phil and I stayed with Cooper. We had a blast.

Cooper loved the teacups. Well, basically anything that went round and round. Mommy didn't like it so much. But it was all worth it for him. Daddy and I were burned and we arrived at LAX to go home only to find our plane was delayed due to SNOW!

He did great traveling. No major melt downs the whole time. He really liked Mickey. here are a couple pics.

safe in his carseat on the plane


round and round on the tea cups.


hanging on to daddy because it was going so fast. (I just kept my eye in the view finder. lol)


family shots.
with Mickey


with Woody and Jessie


and how can I forget Cooper's FAVORITE! He loves McQueen and Mater. He was hesitant to touch him at first. Like "could this really be real!" but then was super excited when he did touch him. That was a highlight for him as well as Daddy and I.

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

in less then 12 hours I will be waiting for our airplane. In 12.5 hours I will be loading the carseat on to the plane and getting ready to fly.

we are packed and ready to go.

Heading to DISNEYLAND! All expenses (except for spending $) are paid. I am so excited. There will be pictures when we get back. I hope Cooper likes it!

BYE BYE Blog world!!

Some words I need to focus on

and it is ME that needs to learn to just hold fast to the scripture.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

I really have nothing more to say. My mind is a muddle of mush and I don't even want to be in there! sigh......

You are NOT worthy

that sentence from the enemy rings so loud and true in my own mind right now. Tonight I tried sharing what was on my heart and everyone got up and walked out. I am sure it was unintentional and they must not have realized I was sharing but it hurt me deep. Last night a friend got up and walked out on me because of a disagreement.

I have slowly been letting my walls back down, slowly starting to let people in but it has turned out to just bite me in the ass. It breaks my heart when people walk out on me. It proves to me that I am NOT worthy.

God is fighting for me telling me I am worthy. Yet the actions of others ring loud and feel true. It hurts. It hurts bad. I can't stand being hurt. I am sure no one can really.

So standing up for myself has only caused conflict and made me to feel even more unworthy then before. I feel so hurt and lost that I really don't know what to do. I know the enemy is playing on it and having a hay day with it. I will make sure I try to reach to God but right at this moment I feel so lost that I don't know how to.

I am not worthy.

Yes I AM.

sigh..........what is the truth? God.

Risk - Part two

Sure every day we take risks. You risk getting in to the car when you go to drive some where. You risk that every night you wake up the next morning. Last night I heard some talk on risk. On taking those risks. That in essence risk = faith. So true.

I am not the type that likes to take risks. Depends upon what it is but I am not one who likes confrontation or new things. Yet usually these "new things" end up being good things. Walking with God is a Risk we choose to take. My heart wants it all soooo bad. Yet I can hear myself standing there arguing.

Risk is faith. Having the faith to do something that scares you or you are not comfortable with is sometimes a hard thing to over come. Last night I took the "risk" of going to this place where I knew no one. I knew OF three people. I was uncomfortable. I was scared. I was feeling alone. I had someone pray with me and tell me that I was welcomed and to allow myself to feel His love and feel His arms wrap around me. At the end we were invited up for prayer if we wanted it. I swear she looked RIGHT AT ME and it pierced through to my heart. Like God was telling me, "baby, get up. Go and ask for prayer. You are safe here."

"But I don't want to. I barely know these women. It is out of my comfort zone. It is stretching me too thin and I really, really don't want to be broken."

"I am stretching you so that you can see that I am here to support you. I am here to guide you and give you the peace that your heart so desperately desires. Stop fighting it and trust me baby. Trust me."

"I am scared."

"I know you are but trust me I am that risk that is worth taking. You will never regret it."

So what did I do? I stood up and went up to talk to them. Just to talk, not to ask for prayer, not to let myself be vulnerable. Not to allow the risk of showing my hurts, my pain, my fears. But GOD allowed it. I felt like a complete moron! I barely know these people. They are going to think I am psycho. They are going to think that I belong in a nut house. They are going to hate me and not want to be near me or around me. All lies from the devil. He is a tricky bugger. Makes it so that you BELIEVE his damn lies and you stay in that comfort zone, you don't let people in. You keep up those walls. You knock yourself down. After all he doesn't want you to get close to God because that will defeat him. He wants you to stay stuck. To not feel like YOU are a risk worth taking.

So I took the risk. Was it worth it? I think it might have been. Although I do find myself sitting wondering if I said the wrong words, if I blubbered like an idiot, if I looked stupid for crying. But what is God doing? Telling me to stop. Telling me that He is PROUD of me for taking that risk. I can't believe it. HE IS PROUD OF ME. Really? Why? I may not get a clear answer there but I think all these steps are a part of my journey. My little bit of hell and struggle. He is the light in this hell, the warmth in this cold room, the arms that carry me when I can not walk anymore.

I am scared. I am very scared. Fear stops me. It always has. Unless it is to protect someone else I am not worth taking that time to protect or to grow. But my heart wants to grow. It wants to take the risk. I know that God is worth it. I am slowly starting to understand that He really does love me. His arms pulled me close last night and held me. His words of kindness engulfed me. He made me to feel safe. I am safe in Him. I just have to step out of my box and take this risk. The risk to love. After all He sent His son as a step of Risk to save us. To save me. To save you. So if God really thinks that I am in fact worth it, then I need to know in my heart that God is worth it.

So I gingerly take the risk. I gingerly take the step. I am looking for the window out. I am wanting and needing healing. I can't go on much more the way I am. It can't get much worse in my heart. So as I sit here today I ask God,
help me to please take the risk that you are worth. Help to guide me. To keep me strong, to allow myself to be weak and vulnerable. To know that You are there. You will protect me. Thank you. Help me because I cannot do it on my own. Thank you for taking a risk on me. It is my turn to return the favor.

Risks are scarey.....fear sucks.....God is worth it. I am worth it. I CAN be free in Him.

Risks....

there are some that are worth taking.

more to come on this. Just needed to write it down before I forget. So much to sort out in my own head before I can even begin to make sense of it. I don't know if I ever will. But hearing a message tonight on risk hit home.

"The LORD is good, a refuge in time of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." ~Nahum 1:7